A/N - So this story popped into my head about ten minutes ago, so I just wrote it! It's H/P pre-established relationship. Mild spoilers for season five, so if you haven't seen that be warned! Anything written in italics are flashbacks, not necessarily in the order that the event happened. Anything in non-italics is the present day and happens in order. Anything present day happens during the one day. Planned to be just a one-shot, but if people want to see more of this story I've a few things I could write! Read and review! Criticism is welcomed too!
Cold. Limp. Lifeless.
"Don't touch me," Emily snapped and flinched away from him. "Please, don't touch me."
"Em, sweetie," Hotch said as he held back his tears. "You've got to eat."
"I'm not hungry." Emily shook her head.
"Em..."
"No," She yelled at him, pushing him away from her. "Please just leave me alone." She cried as tears streamed down her face. She hated looking at him. Hated it. It made her heart feel like it was being ripped out all over again.
"Look at her perfect little dimples," Emily cooed over her one week old child. "She looks just like you, you know."
"Mmmm. No, she looks like you," Hotch chuckled in response. "Look at those eyes. Those are all you."
"My eyes," Emily nodded. "Your everything else. She looks a little like Jack I think."
"A little," Hotch agreed. "She's so beautiful."
"Please, just a few bites," Hotch begged her. "You haven't eaten in two days. You need your strength."
"For what?" Emily asked him angrily. "What do I possibly need strength for? Get out of my sight."
"I'll leave some of whatever I make in the fridge for you," Hotch said quietly. "You should take a little nap or something. You look tired." He said as he slowly backed out of the room. He closed the door behind him before leaning back against it. His tears were burning in his eyes, waiting to fall but being forbidden. Why did Emily have to keep going into that room? The pink walls, wooden baby furniture, teddies and toys everywhere. That room broke his heart because their daughter would never call it her own.
"Dad, can I've something to eat?" Jack said quietly from the top of the stairs. "I'm hungry."
"Sure thing buddy," Hotch said a little hoarsely. "How do scrambled eggs sound?"
"Sounds nice, Dad," Jack said as he led his father down the stairs. "Is Mom coming down for some today?"
"No, she's not too hungry," Hotch said as he turned on the stove. "How was school today?"
"Fine," Jack shrugged his shoulders. "We learned our six times tables. Oh, and we painted our cans."
"Wow, that's great buddy," Hotch smiled at Jack. A forced smile. He couldn't bring himself to smile a genuine smile these days. He could remember the last time he smiled sincerely though.
"I love this baby-grow on her," Hotch grinned at his little girl who was donning her 'My Daddy Loves Me' night-time wear that Dave had bought for her. "The statement could not be more true."
"It's nearly too small for her," Emily said as she rocked the little girl back and forth. "She's almost six months old so she's just growing out of the 5-6 month wear."
"Little girl got her Daddy's tall gene," Hotch smiled as he took the happy baby from her mother. "She's still a little sniffley."
"It's just a cold. The doctor said she's just fine," Emily smiled as she rubbed the little girl's cheek. "She's such a cutie when she smiles."
"She's got her Daddy's dimples," Hotch smiled widely as he slowly and gently rested her in her crib. "Night Princess, I love you." He whispered softly before kissing her forehead, taking just a moment to enjoy that baby smell he loves so much. "I'm so tired." He groaned quietly as he stretched out. "Think we could leave sex for the night?"
"Only if you promise it's just tonight?" Emily winked at him as she crawled under the covers. "I'd hate to think that having a baby has made me undesirable to you." She teased him.
"I promise it's just tonight!" Hotch chuckled softly as he followed her into the bed once he had undressed. "Just tired after work. Long day. You will never be undesirable to me. I love you."
"I love you too," Emily smiled into the almost darkness as she cuddled against his chest.
"Is Mom still sad?" Jack asked sadly, then digging into his food.
"She is," Hotch said as he slowly ate his own. Food was something he recently felt like he could give up for good. He had no appetite, no desire to eat.
"When's she not going to be sad?"
"I don't know, buddy," Hotch said quietly. "I think she might be sad for a very long time."
"Is it because Abi died," Jack asked him, his eyes brimming with tears at mention of his little baby sister.
"It is," Hotch said in a whisper. "Mommy is still very upset. She misses Abi very much." He said as tears slid silently down his cheeks.
"I miss her too Dad," Jack said as he began to sob. "Why did she have to go to heaven?"
"I don't know," Hotch said as he stood up and moved over to Jack. "Sometimes... Sometimes bad things happen, and people just die. Abi was such a little angel that I think God wanted her back. He didn't think heaven was nice enough without her." He said as he picked up his son and hugged him tightly. "But Mommy Haley is taking good care of her for us."
"Can you and Mommy make a new baby?" Jack asked into Hotch's shoulder. "I wanna be a big brother again."
"You're still a big brother, buddy," Hotch said softly as his tears began to stop falling. He couldn't be the one to break. He needed to be strong for his son, and for Emily. "Just because Abi isn't here with us anymore, doesn't mean you're not still her big brother."
"But I wanna be a big brother to a baby who is here," Jack frowned as his father put him back onto his seat.
"I know you do, buddy," Hotch sighed as he sat down too. "I just don't think that we're going to have another baby." He said in as gentle a tone he could muster. Upsetting Jack further is not on his schedule for the day.
"Ever again?" Jack asked shocked.
"I don't know what to tell you, Jack," Hotch said honestly. "When you become a Dad one day, you'll understand how much love you have for your child. When your baby dies, it's very, very upsetting. I don't know if Mommy and I will want to have another baby."
"You left work very quickly today," Hotch smirked as he walked into his living room. Emily had all but ran from the office the moment five o clock hit. Usually she'd hang back a little later, until about six, but not today. What was even odder is that she didn't come up to say goodnight to him. Despite their relationship still being a secret, she always came up to say goodnight.
"I know. I had to go somewhere," Emily replied as she looked up from her laptop.
"Want to tell me where?" Hotch asked, pulling at his tie and dropping it over the side of the couch. "I figure if you are angry at me for any reason, you wouldn't have come over."
"Of course I'm not mad at you," Emily smiled. "Just figured I'd use that key you gave me last week." She winked at him. "I left early because I wanted to pick you up a present."
"Oh yeah?" Hotch replied, sitting down next to her, placing a quick kiss to her cheek. "What kind of present? Am I allowed unwrap it now?"
"A good kind of present," Emily chuckled as she turned on the couch to face him. "But you can't have it now."
"Oh, I like the sound of this," Hotch smiled devilishly. "Are we talking about the kind of present that I might like to unwrap in the bedroom, when Jack is peacefully sleeping?"
"Nuh-uh," Emily shook her head. "If you're good, I'll let you unwrap it in say... About seven months. Might even let you name it."
Hotch froze, his heart beating madly. "Are you...?" He trailed off, searching her face for some kind of tell tale sign. "Em, are you pregnant?" He asked her slowly.
"Just under twelve weeks, apparently," Emily said a little nervously, uneasily waiting for his response.
"We're having a baby?" Hotch asked in shock, a wide smile spreading across his face. "Really?"
"Really, really," Emily grinned and nodded as Hotch lunged at her, hugging her tightly. "You happy?"
"God, I've never been so happy in my entire life!" Hotch chuckled before kissing her passionately.
"I can't live here anymore," Emily said to Hotch as she sat on the corner of their bed. "We need to move."
"We can't afford to," Hotch replied as he leaned against their bedroom door. "With the economy the way it is, nobody is buying. If we did get someone to buy, we'd be taking a major loss."
"I don't care," Emily replied calmly, quietly. "I don't care about the money, Aaron. I can't live here anymore. I can't sleep in this room. I can't keep sleeping in the room where our baby... Our baby died. I can't." She said as tears began to roll down her cheeks.
"I'll call the realtor first thing tomorrow," Hotch decided quietly as he moved over to the bed and sat down beside her. "Put the house up. We can start looking for a new place straight away."
"I want a divorce," Emily said weakly. "We only got married because we were having a baby together. Now without her..." She trailed off.
"Marry me!" Hotch said as he got off the couch and down onto one knee.
"What?" Emily asked laughing.
"Marry me," Hotch repeated, a glint in his eyes. "I love you. More than anything. If we're having a baby together... I want us to be a proper family. I want to call you my wife. Mrs. Hotchner. Let's buy a house together, and get married. Make our family real for our little boy or girl."
"Yes..." Emily said simply, after a few moments.
"What?"
"Yes, yes I'll marry you!" Emily laughed as Hotch sprang back to his feet and pulled her into a tight hug.
"Em..." Hotch said as he felt tears burning his eyes again. "You know we didn't just get married because we were having a baby. We love each other. Please... Don't tell me you want a divorce. I know things are really hard right now, but... One day it'll be better, and... We're meant to be together. I know it sounds like a bad cliché, but we complete each other."
"Every time I look at you I see her," Emily said as she leaned forward and rested her forehead against her hands. "Your dimples and dark hair. Your lips, and nose. I can't look at you without seeing her."
"I know it's hard," Hotch said sincerely, emotion making him choke on his own words. "I know that it hurts more than any physical pain you could imagine. I'm feeling it too. I lost my baby girl too, Em. I can't lose you as well. You're the love of my life, and if I lose you too... I don't think I'll survive that. I'm barely scraping by as it is."
"It just... Hurts so much," Emily cried as she sat back up and turned to face him. "I miss her so much, Aaron." She said as she hugged against him and buried her face against his neck.
"I miss her too," Hotch said as tears streamed down his face. This was the first time they had spoken about what happened just one month ago. This was the first time that Emily had actually let him in, told him exactly how she was feeling. Yeah, he could read her emotions and behaviour on the situation, but she was finally letting him in again. "So much."
"I want her back," Emily sobbed against him. "It isn't fair. She was fine. She was perfectly fine and then she just died."
"I wish I could bring her back for you," Hotch said as he clung to Emily. "I wish more than anything I could bring her back and let you hold her again."
"It's my fault," Emily stated as she pulled back from Hotch. "I... I must have done something wrong... I didn't wake up during the night to feed her... I... I should have woken up."
"Em, she didn't cry out," Hotch said seriously as he grabbed her hands and pulled her back closer to him before she completely pulled away. "She didn't cry out." He repeated. "That's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You heard the doctor, she died of SIDS, there's never any warning, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. It was just horrible misfortune. I didn't wake up either."
"She died on her own though," Emily said as more tears began to fall. "Nobody... Nobody was holding her... Or with her." She said weakly.
"She died the most loved little girl in the world," Hotch said firmly. "She died peacefully, and happily, in her sleep. We were here with her, just a few feet away. She knew how much we loved and adored her. You need to trust me when I say that."
"Babe, turn it off," Emily groaned as Hotch's alarm began shrilling. "Before it wakes Abi up."
"Sorry!" Hotch apologised with a light chuckle as he turned off his alarm. "Sounds like we didn't wake her."
"We?" Emily teased. "It's your alarm sweetie."
"Yeah, yeah," Hotch replied as he kissed her on the lips. "You should have woken me last night, I would have taken some of the changes and feedings."
"What?" Emily asked, suddenly wide awake. "You didn't get up with her?" She asked as she bolted up into a seat position and looked over to the crib, silence filling the room. "I didn't get up with her." She said as she quickly pushed the covers off her and went over to the crib to check on Abi, Hotch right behind her.
"Abigail?" Hotch said in no more than a whisper as he picked up his daughter. "Call 911." He instructed Emily immediately as he realised his little girl, his beautiful little girl was cold and blue.
"I'm tired," Emily said after a long period of silence. Exhaustion was setting in after her little emotional break just there.
"Maybe... You could sleep in here with me tonight?" Hotch suggested quietly. "We haven't shared a bed since..." He trailed off, not needing to finish the sentence.
"I can't sleep in here," Emily shook her head. "You know I can't. You could try and squeeze onto the couch with me though, if you'd like?" Deep down, Emily knew Hotch is right. Despite all the pain and hurt they had encountered over the past month or so, their love for each other still remained. It was now a little damaged, a little battered and a little bruised, but it was still there.
"It'll be a tight fit." Hotch said smiling weakly as he stood from the bed and held out a hand to her. He worried for a moment that she had changed her mind as he saw uncertainty cross her face. But she took his hand, her small and soft hand fitting perfectly in his large one, and he led her downstairs with hope in his heart that come morning things would be a little better.