I touched his white collarshirt. My finger went over a very little and hard-to-spot red stain. I knew what it was, I had seen a few of them before. My heart, hard as steel, wavered even if I didn't let it show on my face. I put the shirt into the laundry machine with the other laundry. I added the powder, shut the lid and pressed the button, making the machine roar and start washing the clothes. The fabric twirled on the other side of the window, and my eyes followed the roll without a flinch. I was destroying the evidence, I knew that, but there was no use for it since I wasn't going to say anything about it to him. I could tell that he was getting sloppier; he didn't cover his tracks as well as he did in the beginning. I'm quite sure that I didn't realise it in the beginning since I'm not as intelligent as he is, but he has started to underestimate me and my wits. I knew. Oh I knew.

Gregory was having an affair. It was clear as daylight to me these days. I don't know if I would be happier not knowing.

I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the mechanical cube. I was not going to whine about such a little thing after what I've been through. I've survived from so much, it'd seem so idiotic to say anything about a little heartbreak. I couldn't give them the pleasure of seeing me hurt.

Who are they? Why can't I seem hurt? Suddenly I felt confused.I was hurt so why couldn't I show it? Who would think I'm pathetic and weak? Who am I afraid of?

Loneliness. I don't want to be alone. If I say something to him, it gives him the reason to leave me. I couldn't or else I'd end up alone.

I owe him so much. So many happy days he has given to me. I'd be disrespecting everything we have if I did something like that.

I'll take it. I'll take all this shit as much as I can and I'll hold him up on my own expense. Until I break.

Why? Do I love him? I've loved him, but do I love him anymore?

My head overheated and my defenses crumbled down. He hasn't looked at me in the eye for three weeks. He hasn't touched me for four. We haven't spoken to each other for five days. He stopped leaving messages to me long ago. There was nothing left.

So I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness, for the love, I've already lost..?

I slumped against the shaking laundry machine. It was no secret that I was dependant of Gregory and his existence. He didn't need me. I could leave. I could leave.

The realisation made my head snap up. I stared at the wall before me with some kind of relief in my heart. He wouldn't really mind if I left and he would manage just well without me. If I were true to myself, I had been living alone for long time now. I could manage without him even if I hadn't believed it. There was nothing more between us so it was time to let go of that idea of possible love remaining.

I forced myself to stand straight again but without the weight of an idle debt.

"I am free," I whispered. My voice cracked when it struck me harder than ever. I felt like I had been pulled away from the old world into space where there is nothing familiar. The place was cold, giant and scary but also empty. From emptiness it all begins, and I imagined how I'd rent my own apartment, away from the city. I could move away, perhaps to the French part of Canada, where I could speak my mother tongue without worry. I could forget about the awful America and its annoying accents. I could get a new job, one at a construction company perhaps. I could make new friends, go to bar with them just like Greogry did. I wouldn't have to be alone. But I'd have to leave Gregory behind.

Am I strong enough to be the one to leave? Most likely he has almost forgotten my existence, I might not need to leave a note. I can't leave my new address, one word from him and I'll come back, crawling and begging to be forgiven. No more, no more can I do such a thing.

In the end I left the house half-cleaned, passport in my pocket and wallet in the other.

I'm free.

Pfft. Guess who's back. Oh god. I can't even say I'm sorry. Goddamn... Nowadays I'm more Tumblr active. buttfulmavinness is the URL. I might do these more. Possibly. But I've absolutely given up on SWFM. Hell no. It went so deep it couldn't be saved. Especially with my motivation. Not to mention I lost like ton of my fics when I gave up on my school laptop. You can also find me in Archive of Our Own. buttfulmavinness there too. I'm thinking about posting these there too. Uh yeah, that's about it. Okay, yes I am so fucking sorry goddamn. So ashamed. Even tho I don't sound like it. Hi. Bye.

P.S. If anyone's interested in Destiel, I recommend GoodQuestion's Alibi, it's an FBI AU. I'm betaing it currently from chapter... 7? Onwards. Yeah.