I was writing this for my own speculation a while back…to visualize some things that could have happened in the temple to lead to Zuko being accepted…and wasn't planning on submitting it to anything…it's been a long time since I've wandered around , but…I decided that there wasn't enough Zuko pain around and decided it wouldn't kill me to post it…

As lighthearted and fun as Avatar is…it is about war and war does things to people that can never be undone. You have to make decisions and watch others struggle with the ones they have made. And sometimes things are just a little too clear-cut in the Avatar universe for me to be happy as I do dearly love my pain and suffering.

Not to mention…Toph got pretty petty at the end there where before she was just so insightful!

Even though I wrote this a LONG time ago and it is now AU I like it as character study even though everyone is a little OOC for I am so outa practice it ain't even funny.

No pairings really…but I like canon stuff so none of this Zutara nonsense.

Oh, and I don't own Avatar or things would have probably ended a little differently…

Please provide constructive criticism but if it evokes strong bad feelings don't hesitate to leave those either.

o.o

It was twilight.

Stars were winking into sight even as the warmth and power of the sun left his body reclaiming the energy it had lent him in the morning light.

It had been a week.

"…I'll make sure your destiny ends, right then and there. Permanently."

A sigh escaped from between his lips, visible as it hung in the air before him.

Of course he had not expected to be welcomed with open arms…betrayal cut deep. He knew that. He just couldn't help being impatient. Things were coming together…and he was a part of what was to come. For what was almost the first time in his life he knew what he had to do-knew his part in helping the Avatar realize his destiny.

It was his heart that told him he was in the right place. He had found himself among strangers and, what someday he hoped, people he could call friends. He wanted so badly to be a part of their family…to be able to remember what being part of a family meant and felt like.

His legs dangled over the edge of the temple and he thought.

About progress.

About scars.

About his uncle. Oh how he missed the old man. He would give anything, anything, to see him again if only for a moment. If only to say "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

He'd been saying that a lot lately. Every time he made a mistake…or said something that earned him a glare from Katara. In the morning he would lick his dry lips nervously and open his mouth in greeting and her glare would glue the words to his throat.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to disturb you." A whisper, grating, gravel between his teeth. He hated his voice, something which had been dried to dust and ash in the fires of adolescence since it had changed and he had stumbled, unready, into adulthood.

Like Aang.

Aang moved fast. Pangs of what at one moment in his life would've been jealousy were squelched by awe and pride. He was proud of the progress that the young monk was making and he made sure to tell him.

Away from Katara's too-keen ear.

Often Aang was nervous and it made it difficult to control the fire but a simple compliment did wonders for the boy's confidence. That and Zuko had told him that burns happen in training and it was to be expected-that you weren't training hard enough if someone didn't get singed.

It helped…but didn't completely alleviate Aang's guilt when he lost control of the flames and Zuko had to siphon them away, too quickly to harbor much control in the face of an Avatar's power, often burning his own hands as a result.

Amber eyes narrowed and he kicked his feet against the stone.

If he were better…if he himself was a better bender…he wouldn't get hurt. He wouldn't have to console Aang and hide the pain of his red fingers and palms. After such an incident he would always bow, grip Aang's shoulder in a friendly squeeze, ignore the stinging skin and tell him he would get the move tomorrow.

Cooling burn salve awaited him in his room…Katara's soothing voice and gentle hands awaited Aang. Disapproving stares were the only acknowledgment he received.

"Heh, burns happen…and anyway, these were my fault…" Aang's gaze was sheepish and aimed at the floor. "Zuko makes sure that I don't burn myself worse…"

His thoughts shifted.

"Jerkbender"

The young warrior had pseudo accepted that Zuko was going to be around for a while justifying his acceptance to his sister with "it's necessary…what's that saying? Friends close, enemies closer?" He would give the firebender a rough awkward pat on the back and whisper behind his hand: "Don't worry Jerkbender, she'll let up…eventually."

There was never any question in his mind which "she" Sokka referred to.

And it wasn't the blind earthbender.

Zuko liked her…she could stand to touch him…or at least enough to order him to cart her around. A half-grin graced his mouth. He didn't mind as much as he pretended…and she knew it.

The next sigh yielded a puff of flame. It was dark, he was cold. But he didn't dare rejoin the fire behind him that Aang had so joyfully started. He was plainly unwelcome…and even though he knew he deserved their suspicion, it hurt. Teo, The Duke and Haru were curious, that much was evident-but they didn't want to risk inciting Katara's wrath.

He didn't blame them.

Another bright exhale of flame and he absently touched his stomach as it growled.

He was hungry all the time. Firebending, training in general, was hard work and left him starving. Aang ate like an ostrichhorse, three or four bowls of rice and vegetables at least, and Zuko knew that, given the chance, he would too…but that was why he was sitting with his feet dangling…

"Could I have another bowl of rice please?" All idle chatter and laughter ceased. The glare he'd received was colder than the North Pole, her blue eyes turned icy with hatred. "Ah…Never mind…it was very good, thank you." He took the bowl with him; he'd wash it later and return it.

He'd waited a week…he'd gone to bed hungry before, he could and would wait as long as it took.

Flames shown in overly bright eyes as he stood and brushed the ancient dust from his pants.

o.o

She flexed her toes digging them into the dust and earth of the temple floor. It felt good to be able to do that again. Which meant she could see too.

Unfortunately, she didn't like what her earthbending revealed.

Everyone was laughing at something Sokka had said and she'd missed it because she had been watching the firebender. Zuko had gone to train in the darkness like he did every night. It was harder for him to firebend without the sun's power. It sharpened his reflexes and made him stronger.

She liked that about him. He strove with all his being to make something of himself, to be better. Of course he had made bad choices…they all had from one time to another. It was what made them human.

Her calloused fingers caressed a tiny imperfection in the clay bowl she held. It was half filled with her third portion of rice.

Zuko was hungry…all the time. The grumbling of his stomach was there as surely as the rocks under her feet were.

She stood, tracking his movements, and strode resolutely from the fire and her friends.

o.o

"34, 35, 36…" He counted through gritted teeth as he did hot squats over the fire he'd made. Sweat streamed from his face and dripped into the fire, sizzling. At 50 he stopped and began going through his forms, stance solid and sure, the motions settling his mind.

He added fire and pretended he was fighting the waterbender. Daggers, flame blasts, explosions-high, low, twisting, jumping, he was a lively spark burning through the cold night air.

It was difficult to bend; the moon seemed to fight him at every turn just like her bender but he was getting stronger. He created two giant fire whips and swung them through the air, mimicking the fluid movements he had seen Katara do in her training with Aang.

He paused. Panting. Waiting. His imaginary opponent was gathering her water when she changed. Azula stood before him-eyes blazing with hatred. He copied her motions, the fluid circles, and blue lightning sizzled at his fingertips and lanced towards the apparition. It sang through his veins and the air.

She disappeared.

His vision swam and a let himself fall backwards onto the grass, gasping for air as his sight returned to normal.

He felt empty in mind and body. It was unsettling.

Footsteps!

Jumping to his feet, heart pounding, daggers blazing, he stood to face his would-be attacker.

"Whoa, whoa Hotfoot. It's just me."

The blind girl. The nicknamer. Toph. Hotfoot?

"Sorry, I thought…" He sat down.

"I could hear your stomach all the way back in camp." Her grubby hand shot forward. "Here." Zuko was hesitant. "It's not poisoned." It was said with a laugh and he took the bowl. "I'm not Sugarqueen."

She plopped down beside him and he glanced sidelong as he brought the rice slowly to his mouth.

"She's just worried…you know?" His heart jumped in his chest. "…Aang…he could die…we could all die." Zuko chewed. "No one wants to think that…but it's true." Swallow. "And she's confused I think…maybe they all are…" Another mouthful. "They just don't know what to make of you."

For a few minutes there was only the muted clink of chopsticks on clay. When he had finished he set the sticks together on the rim of the bowl, placing it on the ground. Something somewhere in the darkness chirped.

"And what do you make of me?" His voice was the rasp she'd grown used to hearing, dusky and rough, like the earth she so loved, though now it was tremulous. His heart was thudding painfully in his chest. Toph smiled a bit at his nervousness, Zuko's heady pulse loud in her body.

"I think you've always been honest." Thudthudthudthudthud. "And that means something to me." The frantic beat slowed and returned to normal. The extra rice fortified him almost as much as Toph's words. She was truthful and that gave him hope. She stood to leave and he handed her the empty bowl.

"Thank you." He said.

"Anytime." She paused as he remained sitting. "See you later." She stuck out her tongue and felt the ground tremble with a silent chuckle.

o.o

It was dawn.

Agni's light lanced through the open windows of Zuko's barren room illuminating the glinting dust that hung heavy in the air and kissing the paintings of his mother and uncle with a soft golden luminescence.

It had been a few days since his talk with Toph and things had been steadily improving with the group…save Katara. He grinned in spite of that. Toph had surprising insight and this had strengthened his relationship with her.

He breathed deep, a warm calm settling over him, and began his morning meditation. Though Aang should have been sharing this time with him Zuko decided to let him sleep. The monk had mastered a difficult form yesterday but was still frustrated with his stance. He couldn't seem to find the balance between his feather light airbending, the solid earth or the fluid water. Fire was different…but the same. Zuko smiled as he thought of the things his uncle had tried to teach him about all the elements sharing things with each other, offering to teach if one only had the mind to listen.

"He'll get it." Zuko said to himself, breathing deeply and centering his mind while gathering his courage.

'She'll be awake. She's always awake, cooking breakfast.' More so than any other morning he was nervous. He would say something today. No one else would be awake. The Duke and Teo were almost as bad as Sokka when it came to waking up. And he, Haru and Toph only showed their faces when they smelled food. Scrubbing a hand through his messy hair, thinking absently of a bath, he winced as he too late remembered his sensitive palms, yawned and tied his belt, stepping into the empty bright hall.

He strode to the open area that had become the center of their life at the temple. Sure enough, she was there, struggling with the remnants of the fire. It had been a damp night and even after removing the moisture from the wood it wouldn't catch. She was so engrossed in her struggle she didn't notice him approach until he cleared his throat in an attempt to not startle her. Lips pressed tightly together and face screwed up into a signature glare she turned to him.

"What do you want?" Venom spread along the words and he gulped even as he came to kneel next to her. Amber eyes fixed to the wood he breathed deeply. 'Why is this so hard?' Laying a hand, still raw and sore from his last session with Aang, on the branches he brought them gently to life.

"I just wanted to say good morning." And he left. She glared after him willing herself to hate him more.

"They took everything from us…all of us…" It was her reminder, her mantra, the words were angry and whispered between clenched teeth.

o.o

"Katara's not watching today?" Aang glanced around. Usually she would park herself firmly on the edge of the training field, water skin full and waiting. It was almost midday and Zuko had decided that before lunch was enough time to go through a few forms and try to refresh his pupil's stance.

"I guess not…probably making the food." In truth that's exactly where she was…surprisingly Sokka had talked her into making "delicious meat" as he put it, instead of making Zuko squirm. Now he could really focus. "Your stance is your root." He began, taking on his Uncle impression and walking around the circle. "If your opponent breaks your root, he breaks you." Aang giggled and Zuko smiled, now that the young Avatar wasn't so tense maybe he could focus on perfecting his stance. "Now, let us practice." Aang hunkered into a passable stance and the firebender came at him. "Don't let me break your root!"

The sparring continued until Toph wandered in and announced it was lunch.

"He get it yet?" Zuko swiped a sweaty hand across his forehead.

"Yeah…yeah…he's doing great." Aang had floated away to tell Katara of his success.

"Gonna teach him lightning?" Zuko paused, blanching slightly at the forward question. "He's gonna need that…and be able to redirect it like your uncle. He taught you that, right?"

"Yeah…he did…"

"Good 'cause she'll do it again and so will your dad."

"I know…"

"After lunch then? I wanna watch."

"Sure…probably a good time…the sun will be waning, it'll be easier to guide the lightning." His stomach growled loudly and he groaned as he heard Toph's laughter.

"Come on Hotfoot…lets go eat…"

"Are you going to give me some of yours?"

"Depends on how fast you get me there, onward Hotman!" She pointed towards the rumble of the group and squealed when Zuko grabbed her and shoved her under his arm, streaking for the fire. "What…?"

"No time for comfort Miss Earth Rumble Champ!" She laughed and smacked his arm.

"Put me down!"

"Put her down." They stopped dead, the former prince's feet skidding slightly in the dust. Katara was in front of him water in her hands and ice in her eyes. The rest of the group was in a half circle behind her.

"Whoa, Katara…"

"Quiet Toph. Put her down right now." He complied slowly and took a step backwards away from the diminutive earthbender. "What were you doing?"

"She asked me to carry her."

"Oh really?" The water turned sharp and pointy, not at all what water was supposed to be. "Why was she screaming?"

"Now you just wait a minute Sugarqueen." Toph all but shouted into her face. The ice daggers melted. "First of all I can take care of myself. Second, he's telling the truth, we were just having some fun. And third, I don't scream." The seconds stretched on and Zuko swallowed nervously.

Momo chirped from his perch on Aang's head and broke the silence.

"So…who's ready for some chow?" Sokka marched back to the fire and everyone followed leaving Zuko alone with Toph and Katara.

"Be careful." She spat and whirled away, flinging her water behind her and splashing his feet. It was cold.

"I'm sorry Hotfoot…I should have thought-" He cut her off.

"No…this was my fault." Turning he patted her head sharply. "Sneak me some lunch?"

"Heh…I'm not called the blind bandit for nothin'."

o.o

Toph was true to her word. Lunch came to him quicker than he thought it would.

"It's awkward back there…so I took some to go." She handed him a bowl heaped with rice, vegetables and meat. She bent a bench from stone and pointed her chopsticks in the direction of his heartbeat. "I thought you'd be back in the training circle."

"I was practicing."

"Yeah…I can smell the lightning." They ate in thoughtful silence, Toph listening to his steady pulse. "Nervous?"

"…yeah…"

"She's gonna come watch."

"What!"

"I didn't say anything, Aang told us he was training with you after lunch." He slapped his forehead with a palm.

"She won't let me teach him…she doesn't think he's ready…"

"Do you think he's ready?"

"I think he's the Avatar." Her blind gaze was as incredulous as unseeing eyes could be. "Yes…I think he is ready. More than ready…as the Avatar he should be able to attain the balance required for it. And besides…creating it isn't the scary part." He took a resigned bite and she punched him hard in the arm, laughing as he pounded his chest to keep from choking.

"Ha, you shoulda seen me as a teacher!"

o.o

"Your mind and heart must be clear. You must be calm and focused. Only then can you separate the two energies Yin and Yang and produce lightning." He was nervous. Aang was nervous. They had an audience and they were staring. Katara's eyes seemed to drill a hole in the back of his neck like a badgermole digging through a mountain. He used the words his Uncle would use…but had dropped the voice. There wasn't enough pride left in him to sustain a blow like them laughing at him even if it was done to reassure his tense apprentice.

"Wait. Lightning?" Katara was in front of him, jabbing a finger into his chest with a staccato rhythm. "No. No way are you teaching him that, it's too dangerous and he isn't ready!"

"Katara." Aang's voice was quiet and she turned. "I need to learn this…The Fire Lord won't go down easily. I need all the help I can get and there isn't much time."

"He'll need to learn how to redirect it too." Zuko pointed that out and then stood calmly, waiting for Katara to let him go on. Flinging her hands into the air she stalked to the side of the ring, standing beside Teo who gave her a toothy grin. Zuko cleared his throat. "I'll show you first and then we'll practice the motions together." The monk nodded and Zuko summoned the lightning and watched it arc over the trees. "Remember…you do not control the lightning…you are just its guide."

"Heh…again? Maybe a little slower?" Aang scratched the back of his head and grinned a lopsided grin. Zuko's hands moved slower as he created the lightning and let it dance around is fingers. Beads of sweat shone on his forehead and he released the blue energy into the sky. "Okay…I think I can do that…" Zuko chanced a look at the crowd. Sokka's mouth was an 'o' of surprise and The Duke wore an expression to match. With his eyebrows raised Haru elbowed Teo lightly. Face an angry mask, Katara glared. Aang copied Zuko's stance and waited for his Sifu.

They began together. Zuko wasn't surprised to see the beginnings of blue lightning but whereas the firebender's lighting soared from his fingers Aang's blew up in his face. The force of the explosion drove him backwards across the ring. Katara was at his side before Aang even sat up.

"You!" She pointed angrily at Zuko. "What are you trying to do?"

"It's okay Katara, I'm fine, see?" A puff of air brought him back to his feet and he dusted himself off.

"Whoa! You're better than blasting jelly!" Teo shouted, laughing. One look from Katara was enough to send him and The Duke back to their exploring.

"That happened to me too." Fingers tingling he rubbed them lightly. "A lot."

"Maybe I just need to try again…" Brows knit in concentration, Aang preformed the move again.

And again.

And again. All with the same result. Zuko promised him he was doing the correct motion…just that something must be bothering the airbender.

"Your heart and mind must be clear."

"I know, I know! You keep saying that!" Aang was frustrated and daylight was disappearing. Toph yawned, picking her toes, and Sokka resumed polishing his blade and talking with Haru. Katara hadn't moved. 'Her face will get stuck that way.'

"You'll get it, maybe tomorrow but my fingers hurt…" Zuko assured as he sucked briefly on the tingly-sore digits.

"Err, I won't get it tomorrow, or the next day!" The lightning crackled around Aang's hands and Zuko crouched into a stance ready for whatever was coming though he didn't have a clue what it was. "I'll never get it because, because!"

"Aang...it's okay, just…calm…" the energy was bigger than before and Aang's grey eyes went wide and dark with fear just as an explosion of fire and smoke sprang from his hands. All the pent up anger and rage of an Avatar raced towards the surprised onlookers, coming within inches of their faces before it roared away, soot and hot air brushed past dusting them in black. Katara screamed and ran for Aang, water pouch opened and ready. But she needn't have worried…he was unconscious but mostly unscathed. Her fingers drifted over his soot covered body, checking for injury and finding his burned hands. Toph's face had drained of color and she rubbed her eyes vigorously, smudging the black all over her face. 'Zuko.'

He had realized what was going to happen. All Aang's fear and uncertainty and frustration had channeled into his bending. Zuko siphoned the resulting explosion trying to direct it over the cliffs of the temple and away from everyone else but unfortunately towards himself and he wasn't able to completely control the fire. This was unlike anything he had ever seen from Aang before. This was firebending at its worst- fueled by anger, frustration, and fear. This was an Avatar's strength and power. It scared him. He screamed.

Zuko couldn't feel just how bad it was, but he was aware enough to feel his skin blistering along his arms and the pain burning its way, white hot, into his mind. His chest felt as though it was on fire. Someone shouted, himself? And his mind and heart raced. 'Aang? Oh gods, Aang! Is he all right…? Am I all right? Oh Agni…please, oh gods…it's going to scar…' The pain was making him dizzy and breathless. Vaguely he heard Toph shrieking, screaming. 'She does so scream…' he thought, giddy with hurt, back to her words before lunch as he fell to his knees and then stomach, lurching onto his back. He felt numb and hot and sick and his thoughts didn't make sense. Everything was spinning as he turned sideways and threw up, touching his hands to the sun warmed stone made him reel in agony. This was worse than anything he had ever felt before-worse than his face, worse than being blown up by pirates worse than that all-over cold ache of swimming in arctic waters.

From where she was crouched next to Aang, hands gloved in glowing water, Katara glared sideways at Zuko…her piercing, unseeing, blue eyes stood out in her blackened face as they forced themselves into his world.

"You shouldn't have tried that with him…he wasn't ready!" He was panting, gasping, breath shallow and fast. Cold. When he had been so hot before. Seeping…stealing his sight as his pain filled awareness was painted black with ink.