...

LANGUAGE CLASS: FINAL EXAM

Name: Light Yagami

Test Writing Prompt: Prompt #2—My Biggest Family Catastrophe

Brainstorming Page:

It would really make my đȺɎ life if Hideki Ryuuga would kindly find a hole and please die in it. Not only would it make me unbelievably happy, but it would also make my job a lot easier.

(Whoever is grading this, please don't read into that.)

Final Draft

Normally, I'd be writing this essay the proper way, the way that the person grading it desires it to be written. But, because I am currently bored out of my mind with the completely ridiculous prompts to choose from—this is supposed to be a college essay, not something you would possibly be assigned to write in the fourth grade—and because my grade in this class is already above one hundred percent anyway, I am going to write this the way I feel like writing it.

So, I am going to be completely honest with you.

My family consists of Sayu (my sister), Sachiko (my mother), and Soichiro (my father).

Despite my father not being home as often as my mother would probably like, my family generally functions well enough; I am not involved in an incestual relationship with my sister, and my mother is willing to believe whatever comes out of my mouth—even if what I tell her happens to be complete and utter bullshit.

(I know this, because most of the time I do tell her bullshit.)

My father, as I said, is rarely home, and that is because he is the Chief of the National Police Agency. He thinks very highly of me, because he knows that I am smarter than most of the police officers who work under him.

(But I know that I am smarter than all of them.)

So basically, my family life goes quite smoothly most of the time.

That being said, it really comes as no surprise that our biggest family catastrophe occurred when I invited over my good ol' buddy Hideki Ryuuga to meet Sachiko and Sayu, and to stay for dinner.

Let's just say that, after what happened that night, the next time Ryuuga comes over for dinner, it won't be because he's going to be eating with us—it would be because he is what we are going to be eating.

So, before getting into the whole "catastrophe" part, allow me to explain just a little bit about my friend Ryuuga.

Ryuuga is a person who is completely lacking in the common courtesy department. While intelligent, the only thing he knows about manners is the dictionary definition of the word, and if his ability to walk was dependent upon his social graces, he would have to be lugged around in a wagon. Or a stroller.

So, when the first thing he did after barging into my house barefoot was walk up to my mother and say, "If that aroma is whatever you're cooking for dinner, then there is an 82 percent chance that the food will be of very dissatisfactory taste tonight," I knew it could only go downhill from there.

And it did.

Sayu came downstairs to meet him, and she commented excitedly, "Wow, that's so cool! You're name is Hideki Ryuga, just like the pop-star!"

And do you know how that freak of nature replied? He told her, "Hm, I suppose so. It's also quite fortunate that Hideki Ryuga—the pop-star—hasn't been killed off by Kira."

The expression of horror on my poor sister's face. She was so frightened!

Apparently, we can now add "scaring little children" to the list of what Hideki Ryuuga does for personal enjoyment. He is a freak of freaks, and a bastard of bastards.

After making my sister deeply uncomfortable, and placing a frown across my mother's face that would last on and off through most of the evening, Ryuuga crouched—yes, crouched, with his muddy bare feet underneath him, supporting his wiry, little body—on top of our coffee table.

(Yes. On our fucking coffee table.)

I could tell that my mother was trying to figure out how to politely request him to please not do that, but we were saved by the beeping of the oven's timer. Well, maybe "saved" isn't the right word to use. It was more like, it advanced us to the next stage in our disaster evening.

My mother cooked for dinner a ham roast, which is incredibly salty. Hideki Ryuuga has this unnatural addiction to sweets and sugar, so as you can imagine, this was not to his taste.

He took one bite of the meal my mother had so kindly provided for him and said something along the lines of, "Hm, I was right, as always. This food is, indeed, very unpleasant. However…a bit of sugar can make even the most disgusting of foods taste at least mildly edible."

After staring at him for what felt like hours of shocked silence, my mother finally nodded mutely in Sayu's direction. In a voice that would have been a whisper had it been any quieter, she said, "Why don't you go and get the sugar for him, then, dear?"

Wordlessly, Sayu scooted her chair back and went into the cupboard to retrieve the sugar as our mother had requested. She set it down in front of Ryuuga.

And, do you want to know what that little, goddamn shithead did?

As if my mother wasn't already upset enough (not to mention offended), he upturned the bag of sugar until there was such a tall mound of sugar on his plate that it was no longer possible to see the food. It was just like saying, "You food is so bad that it needs THIS MUCH sugar to taste good. =]"

(I cannot believe that I just used a computer emote in a college essay.)

But that's not even the whole story. On top of that, he stared at my sister with such an intensely-concentrated expression upon his face that, if I didn't know him better, I would have thought he was planning to rape her.

(Well, maybe he was planning that. It isn't like I know the guy that well.)

All through dinner, he talked with his mouth full—he talked mainly about his favourite desserts when he wasn't busy insulting my mother on her (admittedly, somewhat lacking) interior decorating skills—and held everything in between his index finger and his thumb.

Ryuuga has not been allowed to return to my house ever since.

In conclusion, I live in a high-functioning family, and I would love it very much if someone happened to beat my friend Hideki Ryuuga to death with an apple.

(Of course, my earlier statement about him dying in a hole would make me just as happy.)

Wow, I don't even know how this idea came to me. It didn't take more than 45 minutes to write, and it isn't as long as the topic would have let me make it. But, I sort of like this one. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it! Please tell me what you think! Thank you very much for reading.

~Ratt Kazamata, 1/15/2012

Post Script: I've been spending a large amount of time lately adding a lot more fanfic to that giant Death Note fanfic recommendations list I have on my profile, if anyone is interested in checking it out.