4x04

There are some things I wanna tell you.

Serena sat in the town car, those eight words playing over and over in her head. The lights of the city reflected off the window, and she considered how sudden night had come upon her, how sudden the whole day had come upon her.

I was walking, found myself at your door.

Experience- and Lily- had always taught Serena to guard her feelings when it came to men, yet the smile had come unbidden to her face when she saw Dan there, crooked grin on his face and all. Like it was three years ago and nothing since had been real. But it is real, and things have happened…Miss Carr and Aaron and Gabriel happened. Georgina and Vanessa, Tripp, Nate, Georgina again….

Georgina.

There aren't words to describe how she felt at the loft when Dan had walked in with Vanessa, let alone when the words my son fell from his lips. The surge of jealousy she felt at Juliet's possessive hold of Nate's hand paled by comparison, though Serena was proud that she was able to save her tears for when she made it into the car. The ache was a familiar one; she felt it at Lily and Bart's wedding, and again in the elevator the following summer; when she saw Dan with Lexie as Aaron fawned at her side, or when she found out about he and Miss Carr.

She's pretty sure it's how heartbreak feels.

But Serena has never been one to learn. Though she knew it was Vanessa Dan was going home to she didn't even bother to cancel room service before walking out the door with him.

Vanessa.

Looking back over the years Serena wonders if the dark haired girl has a sixth sense for when she and Dan were having an intimate moment. A half-dressed tumble from his single bed back in high school, Hey Dan, you hungry?, comes to mind immediately. Still, whatever Dan was going to say to Serena earlier that day hadn't stopped him running after Vanessa. Serena knew what she wanted to hear him say, and a thousand different ways to say it, however that fact frightened her. But that wasn't why she was heading to the loft so late.

Lily had told Serena about Milo two days before Dan showed up at her door, all smiles and flirtatious brown eyes. She hadn't pushed the issue when he brought it up; she better than anyone knew what it was like to have people hold you still when all you want to do is run. So they walked through the park and ate pretzels and ice cream, and she laughed when he managed to get some on his chin, wiping it off gently before realising she may have crossed a line.

But despite his jovial attitude, she knew Dan was burying his pain. Rufus, Lily and Vanessa staged an intervention that Serena knew would never work; Dan was too stubborn. And despite his throwaway attitude, I just got my life back, she knew somewhere inside Milo's absence was eating him alive. This was Dan, the boy who had told her they couldn't watch The Lion King because it was too sad when Mufasa died; the boy who would pick up insects from the sidewalk so they weren't crushed. He was the man who was there when her father left for a second time, the only person who didn't look at her with I told you so dancing about their eyes. There was no way he didn't care that Georgina had spirited away the baby he thought was his.

As Serena made her way up the stairs to the loft, she wondered if Vanessa would answer the door. She'd be furious, maybe, or contemptuous. As long as she isn't smug… She didn't relish the thought of confrontation, but Dan needed her (she hoped), and that mattered more.

She knocked at the door, bracing for the pinched face of Vanessa Abrams. When no answer came, she knocked again, pushing gently on the door handle,

"Hello? Dan?" Still no response, Serena opened the door slightly, "Dan?"

Silence.

"…Vanessa?" She called, half hoping there was no answer.

His voice replied softly, "Serena?" She walked into the kitchen and found him on the couch nearest the window, a scotch on the table.

Scotch? Immediately she knew she had done the right thing in coming, Vanessa be damned, "Hey, I'm sorry to be here so late, I just…." She trailed off as he continued to look out the window, not sure if he was listening. After a moment,

"Yeah, I'm sorry too."

"Sorry for what?" Serena sat tentatively at the other end of the couch, unsure how close to get.

"About today, the party. I should've come back, or called or texted." He looked down at his hands, look at me, she thinks.

Instead, "It's okay, you had stuff to deal with I guess. Important stuff." Why do you sound sad, don't be sad, you're hear for him! But it's already said, soft and afraid. She looks at her hands on her lap, playing with the fringes of the quilt on the couch. She freezes when one of his hands rests on hers, his strong hands. Strong and gentle, how is that possible?

"Important, but not more important." Dan's still not looking at her, but she's too focused on the feel of his thumb stroking her knuckles to notice, "Not more important than what I had to say."

It's still no guarantee that he feels as she does, but at that moment Serena stopped caring. He was close, so close she could feel the heat of his body beside hers and his fingers were laced with hers like they were a lifetime ago when they first met. Serena tries to meet his gaze, but he's staring to her left at a box. She can see blankets and rattles poking out the top, and her heart breaks a little for him,

"Dan…"

"It's stuff Georgina left behind. She didn't want it. That's fine, I mean, why would she, she can afford to buy him whatever he wants. Plus I bet his father could pay for anything and everything, what do they need with my old blankets and toys?" He rambles on, and Serena knows he's more hurt than she realised. Freeing her hands from his grasp, she turns his face so he's looking straight at her, brown eyes hazy with scotch and bitterness and pain. She runs her thumb up and down over the hair at his temple,

"Dan, it is okay to miss him." He's silent for a moment, takes her hands in his own and places them back in her lap,

"He wasn't mine." He says slowly, sharply, and gets up to leave. Serena stands up after him, blocking his way,

"Don't pull that on me, Dan. I know you, I know you care. You can fool my Mum and Rufus, Nate and Vanessa all you want but you cannot fool me." Her blue eyes meet his chocolate ones, and his defiant gaze falters just a little. He looks over at the box of his son's things, no, not your son, he corrects. Serena runs a hand up his arm to rest at the back of his neck, and she whispers softly, "It's okay not to be able deal with this," in the gentlest voice he's ever heard, and he can't bury it any longer.

Dan closes his eyes and presses his lips together, looking down. They are mere inches apart, and just as Serena thought he was going to push her away a choked sob comes from his lips. The sound is by far the worst thing she has ever heard in her life, and is followed by another as he takes a half a step closer and buries his face in her blonde curls,

"Oh, Dan…" Serena rubs between his shoulder blades with one hand, the other still encircling his neck, stroking the ringlets at the base of his skull. He's a mess of betrayal and misery as they drop to the floor, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist as if he is afraid she'll leave. Though she had never been a violent person, in that moment if Georgina Sparks had been in front of her Serena would have ripped her in half.

Dan mumbles something against her shoulder, but it is so drowned in sobs she doesn't catch it,

"Hmmm?" She prompts, her hand moving play with the hair at the back of his head,

"He wasn't mine…" He sounds so distraught Serena feels tears well up in her own eyes, and she turns to look at his face. Dan's brown eyes seem more swampy than chocolate, and tracks from tears make his cheeks glisten. She isn't sure what to say, so she pulls down the comforter, covers them both, and pushes him to lie down. He meekly drops to the floor on his side and she rests his head in her lap, brushing the side of his face with the back of her knuckles. Dan sniffs; he is still crying,

"I'm…I'm sorry…" He says, voice breaking.

"Shhh…. It's okay to cry," Serena answers gently, leaning down to place a chaste kiss on his temple. He grasps one of her hands, intertwining their fingers. Like a lifetime ago…

"Serena?"

"Yeah?"

"Will…will you be here tomorrow?"

She smiles, squeezing his hand, "As long as you want me here," she whispers, "There are some things I wanna tell you."