Chapter One: The Hangover

Tony Stark had a really bad hangover. "Ooooh… my head…"

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine Pepper." Tony suddenly realized something. "Wait… you're not Pepper…"

"Ummm… no… are you all right?"

Tony tried to lift his head up off the table to see who he was talking to. He soon put his head back down, once he realized that the evil angry hangover gnomes were armed with machetes and railguns. "Yeah. I'm totally fine. Who are you again?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name's Emily."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Tony Stark." Quietly, he prayed for her to stop talking.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you Tony. Um…" It sounded like she was shuffling through papers in front of you. "Sorry, I'm a bit nervous. This is the first time I've ever met someone through the SuperBridge before.

Tony did not have enough coffee to deal with this. "I… is it April already? I cannot have been drunk for that long, but this sounds like an April Fool's Day prank. Would you mind telling me what the SuperBridge is?"

"You… don't know?"

Tony knew women. He knew the sound of a voice when a woman was on the brink of tears. And he may be an arrogant jerk at times, but never let it be known that Tony stark let a woman cry. So, evil angry hangover gnomes be damned, he raised his head.

He immediately looked back down.

Then he looked up again.

Then he looked down again.

He was sitting at a table, in a fine restaurant, with a maggot-ridden corpse dressed in a wedding gown. He was surprised he didn't notice the smell… but then again, he probably smelled like expensive vodka.

He took a sniff, and was repulsed to discover he smelled like oranges. Why did he smell like oranges? He didn't even want to know why he smelt like oranges.

"Um… Tony?"

He held up a hand. "Hold that thought Emily, and please don't cry."

Alright, time to ask himself the age old question; W.W.T.D. What would Tony do?

Well, number one is fight off the threat with his amazingly fantastic suit of one-of-a-kind super armor.

… He wasn't wearing his amazingly fantastic suit of one-of-a-kind super armor. Which was disturbing because he knew he had it on when he went to the pub.

No, focus, one thing at a time.

Number two, seduce the threat with his raw manliness.

He looked up again. And then back down. Seduction was not an option. In any event, it was probably the threat he was trying to avoid.

Step number three… call Rhody or Pepper. He whipped out his phone, and remembered he'd crossed Rhodey's name off of his auto-dial because of the disagreement about the War Machine Armor and the hot girl…

He swallowed his pride and called Pepper. Desperate times.

"Hello Tony?"

"Pepper? Hi. Good…"

"Morning. Good morning Tony."

"Right. What did I do last night?"

"I take it you're sober now? You'll get the report once you get home… assuming you can. You're not in a hostage situation again, are you?"

"What? No! That only happened once! Listen, I'm sitting at a table across from a…" Look up. Back down. "… older woman. In a wedding dress. I need to know everything I did last night, and in particular whatever Superbridge is."

He had to wait a moment for Pepper to ask J.A.R.V.I.S. "According to the website, Superbridge is a dating organization that connects to every dimension in… every dimension in the multiverse to find the perfect match for you."

Tony grimaced. "Alright, weird, but not necessarily cause for panic even if it is true. Is my tracker still working?"

"Yeah, according to your tracker…"

Tony waited for what he thought was a reasonable amount of time before asking. "Pepper, where does my tracker say I am?"

"In the middle of a black hole."

"A BLACK HOLE!"

The room went silent, and Tony felt every eye on him. Looking around he saw that one set of eye belonged to the grim reaper.

"I'll send Reed Richards to pick you up. And Dr. Strange."

"Pepper do not –" The line went dead. "Hang up."

Tony closed his phone and considered his options. Option 1) He was dead and this was hell. Nice to know his tracker got reception in hell. Option 2) He was in the middle of a black hole, and this was all a delusion he was experiencing as his brain was being turned into spaghetti. Option 3) the ridiculously expensive, made-it-myself, so-simple-a-monkey-could-use-it-completely-foolproof-or-your-money-back tracking device installed in his right molar was broken. Option 4) … he was dating somebody from another dimension.

So… all things considered, he would rather it be option 3, but if it was option 4, he could cope.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Tony said, lifting his head up and smiling a rakish smile. "I… have a little bit of short term amnesia." If this girl was from another dimension, he could breeze through this without having to resort to necrophilia, or making a zombie cry.

"Oh, I understand if you were drunk." Emily smiled.

"Okay, cool." Tony smiled. "So, uh… are we really in some sort of superbridge between dimensions?"

Emily nodded eagerly. "Yeah. A friend of mine recommended it to me." She bit her lower lip. "Um… do you want to go through with this? I mean… I know some guys don't like… the whole 'I'm dead' thing."

"Yeah, being dead tends to be a turn-off for most guys." Tony agreed whole-heartedly. He was relieved that this wasn't turning out as bad as he thought it might.

"But you don't mind?" Emily asked hopefully.

Tony was flabbergasted. Who in his right mind wouldn't be a bit disturbed by the maggot that was currently crawling down from her neck and burrowing into her collarbone.

"Of course you don't." Emily laughed. "The form we filled out had us check whether we wanted living or dead matches, right? What am I saying. Let's just carry on with this."

Tony blinked. They filled out a form? And it specified whether you wanted a living or a dead couple? How comprehensive was this dating service, and how drunk was he when he took them up on their offer?

She picked up a bunch of cue cards on the table in front of her. "So… how did you win your second peace prize."

"My second peace prize?" Tony asked. "But that was the one with the…" His eyes widened. Looking down he saw that he had his own cards on the table.

ICEBREAKERS:

Ask me… About my pet maggot.

Unbelievable. So apparently they'd supplied Icebreakers for their couple on their forms too. And he'd chosen the incident with his second peace prize? How drunk did he get last night?

"You know…" Iron-man suppressed a shiver as he met eyes with the corpse again. "That's a long story, for another time."

"Okay." Emily smiled. "Why don't we talk about something else then… hey, do you want to know how I met my pet maggot?" She held out her hand and showed it off, as it balanced on her finger like a bird.

The unflappable Iron-Man found himself speechless. He'd only been speechless acouple of times in his life, and those situations had not boded well for him. He just prayed Richards would get here soon.

Dalek Sec looked at his icebreaker sheets. His mission to understand human culture in order to destroy it had led him to this trange place between worlds. He was not recognized here, and he could study human mating habits without interference.

But the questions on his sheet were strange. "WHAT IS A NARGLE!"

"A nargle is a little insect that likes to hover around people and muddie their thoughts." Luna Lovegood said, smiling dreamily at the pepper pot alien sitting across from her.

"WHY HAVE I NOT SENSED THEM?"

"Oh, you need special glasses to see them." Luna took out her copy of the Quibbler, and offered the Dalek her cut-out glasses.

Dalek Sec wheeled his eye around in a near panic. "NARGLES! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! THEY FEAST UPON MY MIND!"

"Oh, don't worry." Luna said. "They won't feast upon your mind just now. I'm certain that they only muddle minds who are easy to muddle, otherwise people would notice, don't you think?"

"HOW DOES ONE EXTERMINATE THESE NARGLES!"

Luna considered. Then she took her necklace of Butterbeer corks off, and placed it around Dalek Sec's eye stalk. Sec would have protested, but he realized the Nargles, while not exterminated, were repelled from him.

"… THE NARGLES ARE SURROUNDING YOU NOW."

"Oh, that's alright." Luna said. "I'm friends with the Nargles. They'd sooner muddle a Crumple-Horned Snorcack then myself."

"WHAT IS A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORCKACK? EXPLAIN!"

Mittens the cat was having the time of her life. "What would you say if I told you, that I was declawed?" She asked.

Perry the Platypus smiled at her. "I would say that, though your outer claws have been removed, you are still as sharp and beautiful as ever."

Mittens purred with joy. She was so lucky to be dating a secret agent.

"Excuse me for a moment my darling." Perry left the table and kissed her extended hand. Mittens giggled giddily. He made her feel like a princess.

She watched as Perry approached another table where a pharmacist was sitting down across from a rather stout woman holding a teddy bear with a fish head. The pharmacist immediately took notice of Perry.

"Perry the Platypus, what are you doing – OW!" Perry slapped him silly with his tail, and flipped him onto his back.

"Oh, such a cute widdle pwatypus!" The girl said, cooing over Perry as he left.

"Shouldn't you be on my side?" Dr. Doofenschmirtz said from the floor.

"Why Heinz, are you suggesting that the cute widdle animal was at fault?" She glared at the doctor.

Perry, meanwhile, returned to his table where Mittens waited. "I'm sorry about that. Secret agent business. Now that that's done, why don't we continue elsewhere? The night's still young…"

Mittens could have fainted from the suave manliness Perry was giving out. "Your dimension or mine?"

Tony watched as a cat walked out, alongside a green platypus wearing a fedora. They seemed to be talking to each other, but he couldn't understand the purring. "This is the weirdest date I have ever had."

Emily dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this, am I?"

"Oh, no." Tony said. "Honestly, you're the most charismatic corpse I've ever met."

She smiled. "Okay, so what do you do for a living?"

Tony grimaced. "I… design weapons." He decided on telling her stuff that would make him seem less attractive. He made himself seem attractive all the time, so how hard could it be to go against the grain? "Weapons of mass destruction." He elaborated. "Do they have those where you come from?"

Emily shook her head. "I don't think they do."

Great. "Rockets? Do you know about fireworks?"

"Oh, so you make fireworks!" Her smile returned. "I love fireworks! Especially on a nice moonlit night, sitting on a blanket on a hillside with… a significant other…"

She brushed her hand on Tony's, in a way that was probably meant to be seductive, except that there was nothing on those fingers but bone.

And a wedding ring!

"Oh, you're married!" Tony was grasping at straws now.

"Oh, no." Emily looked sadly at the ring. "Till death do us part after all. This ring is only a reminder of the night that I… passed on." She looked at him wide-eyed. "Would you like to hear the story?"

Thankfully, the waiter arrived at that moment. He was a kid with a strangely prominent cowlick walked up to the table. "Excuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to come with me for a while?" He smiled at Emily. "Don't worry, I'll have him back to you in no time."

Tony nodded, and got up to follow the kid. Anything to get away from the corpse bride. The kid grabbed him by the arm and walked him determinedly towards the exit. "I'm Tintin, a friend of Dr. Strange."

"Oh thank heaven." Tony said.

"You really should watch how much you drink Mr. Stark." Tintin muttered. "Dr. Strange will take you back to your home. As it is, keep an eye on the angel statues."

"What?" Tony looked up, and realized that there was a statue of an angel crying into its hands in every corner of the room.

"Don't worry about the ones in here." Tintin whispered. "Worry about the ones outside…" Suddenly, a loud crash came from the back of the café, and a blonde-haired man came out, tied up and in his underwear.

"Hey! Theif!" He yelled.

"Time to go." Tintin pushed, and Tony didn't need any more encouragement. He'd just realized how Tintin was dressed like waiter.

They rushed out of the café, and Tony was speechless again. "Welcome to Superbridge station." Tintin said as they ran.

The sky was like a game of Halo; a huge segmented ring circling up and over, across the rainbow colored sky, then back down again. The bridge – the Superbridge – was lined with houses and apartment buildings. One part of it even had a skyscraper, that extended out from both the top and the bottom of the ring, making it look like the letter Q. There were stations of some sort at each segment of the Superbridge, that generated miniature black holes. They looked kind of like the hypothetical Rosenbridge generator Jane Foster was talking about.

"Tony." Tony was drawn back to the present, by an amused Dr. Strange. "I'm glad to see you've found him Tintin."

"He was at station three." Tintin said. "The dating service area."

Strange shook his head. "Only you could sign onto a magical dating service in a drunken stupor Tony."

"Obviously you're forgetting about the Haddock incedent." Tintin said, hastily taking off his waiter uniform and putting on a blue sweater and tucking his pant legs into his socks.

"So, this is real?" Tony asked. "I'm really a member of a dating service that hooks people up between dimensions?"

"Yes." Dr. Strange said. "It is a most unusual place. But we can't dwell on this now. Let's get you home."

"Tony!" Tony spun around, and saw Emily waving at him, running towards her like a zombie about to eat his oh-so-precious-mulit-billion-dollar-brains.

"You don't have to tell me twice!" He ran away with Dr. Strange to wherever the way home may be. He hoped he was never caught here again.

A/N: This is the beginning of my attempts at writing a crackfic. There will be crack pairings by the plenty, with couples from every story I know and no pair couple will have a pair who're both from the same universe. I'm going to be having some fun with this.

Most characters you should know; Dalek Kaan from Doctor Who, Luna Lovegood form Harry Potter, etc. If I've given a name, then you should be able to look up who I'm talking about. However, for the more obscure references; Mittens, Perry's date, is from the movie Bolt. Emily is from Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. And Dr. Doofenschmirtz's date is DNAmy from kim Possible.

A better title for the fic is pending.