Dear Kurt,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. I know I promised you I'd write the first day. But I just couldn't do it. In all honesty I don't know where these last 3 weeks have gone. Or where I was for the majority of them. Jackson has only just stopped calling me a zombie, apparently I haven't quite been myself. I'm so sorry. I'm letting you down.

I miss you so much. People keep telling me that things will get better, that I will feel better over time. But I highly doubt that. Time and I aren't friends right now.

There was supposed to be more time.

A few years, the doctor said. A few years. Not a few months. 3 months, 12 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes, too be precise. Why did you have to leave me so soon?

Not that I blame you. I'm sorry. I'm not writing my first letter too you very well. I hope that you can forgive me. I'm finding this hard, Kurt. I want to ask you what to write. But then I remember I can't, and it hits me again. You're gone. Taken from me. Taken from Jackson. Taken too soon.

I really miss you baby.

Please guide me. I want to do right by Jackson, bring him up just like you planned, without my "devil ways" as I remember you calling them. Oh yeah, I remember that. Can't get away from it just because you're... you're...

Oh god Kurt you're really gone.

I can't do this on my own. I need you. I need you here to make me laugh, and put plasters on the cuts Jackson and I get skateboard into the pool, and cuddle me at night.

Night time is the worst. I'm so cold without you too snuggle with. Sometimes it feels like you're still here. I rest my head on your pillow and I can still smell you. I just lay there, breathing in your scent, and hoping this is all a dream.

I'm going to try my best to make you proud baby. I promise. And I'm going to write too you every day. Every single day of forever. Just like I promised. Jackson wants to write to you too. I said I'd help him one day. He's still struggling to understand what has happened. He asked me when you're coming home from the hospital, and when I told him you weren't, it was as if he didn't even understand that you weren't with us anymore. I think he understands it now. Every now and then I'll catch him in our bed, his head laying on your pillow in the same way mine does. Sometimes we lay there together. "I miss daddy" he'll say, and I try so hard not to cry, Kurt, I really do.

I would give anything to have you back here with me. Too see your beautiful face just one more time. But I suppose all I can do is pray that you are happy. And tell you how much I love you.

I'll never forget you Kurt.

Speak to you tomorrow sweetheart.

Goodnight for now,

Blaine

xxxx