Author's Note: Wow, this chapter was really easy to write. Just as a heads up, snow patrol is back again for this chapter, continuing where we left off from their song Run. Lyrics are in italics, as you know by now. I hope you enjoy this chapter, as the plot thickens. Clearly, I don't own Sailor Moon. Please read and review.

Chapter 9

"Do you love her...I mean, really love her?" Makoto sighed as she folded yet another pastry, filled with Usagi's favorite filling. "That's the real question here." Among many thing Makoto was forced to oversee, the kitchen wasn't one of them. Rather, it was a fond hobby the woman refused to get rid of, often, taking over the castle's kitchen for her own personal use. The many attendant's didn't mind. It meant a day off for them, something treasured among the busy life of a servant. "If you dish out the past to her or not, I could give a shit less." She was always blunt, and sometimes very crass, still, her voice was gentle, even if her word were not. "What I care about is you, and what you think is best."

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be here." Rei ranted, leaning on the near by counter top, one that was free of flour, and other messy things. "It's not like I'm fond of spending my time in a kitchen the size of a small house." That, was a rather large understatement. The kitchen was huge, the cooking floor, and the pantry floor. By far, it was the largest in all of the galaxy, holding enough food to feed all who resided on the moon for a full few months. "I mean really though, you don't care, at all?"

A small smile, one almost teasing fell from Makoto's lips. "Do you want me to care?" She asked, quickly trying to hide it. Instead, her fingers worked wonders on another little pastry while her eyes glanced at the stove. This had always been her element, and over the years, she only got better. Then again, even the worst of cooks had enough years to survive alone in the kitchen, a feat seemingly unimaginable for some. Her eyes regarded Rei, how the woman of raven tresses studied the marbled counter as if it was something new and obscure. "Rei? Should I care?"

"Not really." Rei sighed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. "Not really a big deal, I guess."

"I didn't think so." Makoto knew that already. Still, the look in Rei's eyes, so defeated, so far gone, it wasn't a look Makoto wanted to keep on seeing. It didn't matter how long time pushed forward, Rei's heart would still only be for one person. "Then, if you don't mind my prying, what is it, that you really want? Something that you feel like you should have before all else."

"I want Minako." Rei could admit that. "But she doesn't want me. I'm tired of being second in line, or third, or forth." It was a long awaited rant, one Rei shared with Makoto often. It was the darkness she felt safe with, an open line of communication never leaving them. "Not that we all aren't, well...you know. It's just, she never comes to me, I always, always have to go to her." For Rei, it would have been enough, except for one little detail. "The only time she's come to me is if she wants more than a one on one." Rei put her face in her hands, her head was bothering her, and it would only get worse. "She's turned into a slut, I swear."

"Isn't that just a little harsh." Makoto sighed, dusting the flour off of her hands. "We've all gotten bored at one point or another, reached out and experimented. Hell, even Ami's joined in a few times and she's really cut loose. You can't say Minako's the only one." Unspoken feelings. That's what this was really about. "Hey..." Her hands, calloused from years of fighting and hard work cupped Rei's cheek lightly, her thumb tracing soft lips. "She loves you Rei. She really does, but you know she can't give in like that. If she did, it could really hurt us all, ya know?"

"So, then I get to be the target?" Rei bit out, backing away from the one person she wished would hold her right now. "I get to be the one that suffers for this?" That's what Rei always wanted when she felt like the victim. She wanted protection. "How is that fair?" She needed solace. "How can that even be remotely justifiable?"

"It can't." Makoto sighed, she knew enough about barely there admissions. "It if were, Ami would be mine." Half truths no one wanted to begin to understand. "If it were for the best, Ami wouldn't be sleeping with you either, but hey, we can't all be you, now can we. We can't all act as if we're the ones bleeding, you do a damn good job on your own." Everyone had someone they loved. However, love, and duty were very different things. To claim only one lover, it would strike down many, hurt others even more. "Hell, you think Haruka wants to share Michiru? That Setsuna can sit idly by, and watch Hotaru join in on the festivities without cringing? Do you realize how hard it was for all of us to look at her as a woman, and not a child? Can you even begin to realize how much Minako wants to pick and choose, but she can't, all because she would hurt people?"

"I have an even better question for you..." Rei smiled darkly. "This hurts me like nothing else in the entire universe has." Sharing in each other, the amount of care and understanding it took was immense. "There are others, like me, who accept that pain, so that everyone else doesn't." Some had no romantic feelings towards others. "But what happens when love comes at a cost?" There were those who gave their bodies openly, so they wouldn't hurt feelings. "Haruka belongs to Michiru. Michiru belongs to Haruka. They are two people who will never love others, and yet, somehow, they seem to manage. They make it work. Why can't the rest of us? You tell me that."

Makoto sighed, her eyes gazing deeply into Rei's. "They can manage, because that's who they are, Rei." Detached, aloof...the outer Senshi were very different people, who shared a deep and complex bond. "We're not like that. Minako is who she is. Her love is something more obscure than just one single person. I am who I am, I love Ami. I know she loves me, but I also know she would never cast aside anyone, not even for my heart. You are you, the person who started this entire shit fest in the first place."

"Hey it wasn't like I told you to get me hooked on drugs." Rei spat, it was a stupid argument, and they both knew it. Some of it, at least, was true.

"I never told you to get hooked." Makoto shook her head, returning her her small little confections. "It isn't my fault I could smoke responsibly and you couldn't. I knew my limits, and since you decided to turn your damn bathroom into a smokehouse, what was I going to do? Leave you there? Fact of the matter is this, you were going to get addicted. It didn't matter if you were with me or not. At that point, I picked the lesser of the two evils, Rei." It was a bad idea, they both could agree, but it would have happened either way. Even Setsuna, much later, had assured that fact. "At least when you smoked around me, I could keep an eye on you."

"Our first time..." Rei sighed, the memory was vague at best. "Do you remember the day after..." At worst, it was an unspoken regret that both women, as much as they had grown over the years, could not face down. There would be no forgiveness now, the remorse for their actions a forced response out of respect.

"No." Makoto said softly, closing her eyes as a tear ran down her face. "There really is only one thing I can recall from that day. It was cold that morning. The sun hadn't even risen in the sky yet. It was cloudy, you couldn't really see the sky, and when I rolled over..." Makoto's heart clenched at the memory. She still resented Rei for that moment. "All I felt was grass between my fingertips. You were gone Rei, and the shards of glass where the bottle broke, well, you scared the hell out of me."

Light up, light up

Even now, all these years later, the one thing that had tore Rei apart, was the one thing she refused to give up. "I know..." Rei sighed, her fingertips tracing the edge of her cigarette case. "I'm sorry, I always have been Makoto. You know that, I was just, afraid." Had that been the real issue? Rei couldn't be sure, all of these years later. "I was just a stupid kid, you know, and I didn't want to think of anyone but Minako. Then you and I, when we first had sex, I didn't even remember it. I felt like I was numb. What was I going to do, wake you up and start crying?" In reality, that's what Rei really had wanted back then.

"Anything." Makoto shrugged, brushing away the stray tear. "Anything would have been better than me waking up alone." Rejection wasn't something either of them took well, but that morning had dished out a hefty dose of it, for both of them. "I really thought I could trust you Rei, even during our first time. I mean, you know, it worked itself out in the end, but it really pisses me off that you ran away back then. I can't stop hating you for that."

"It wasn't like I really had a choice." Rei did, but it wasn't something she'd admit. "I was so lost back then, you know." Her thumb toyed with the metal clasp, wishing smoking was allowed inside the castle's kitchen. "I wanted to feel something, and you gave me a lot to think about. I didn't want to act right away. I don't ever go in fists first like you do." It was a painful comeback, and Rei knew it.

"Unlike you, I know what battle I'm fighting for." Makoto snapped, squishing part of her dough in the process. "I may go in fist first, and hell, I may even get a bit over my head." She had, several times after all, none of her track record had left her side. In the past, she shunned it, but in these times, she carried her past like a badge of honor. "However, unlike you Rei, you coward, I can say I've given it my all, that I did what I felt was right no matter what. Unlike you, I don't do things halfway." It was something, odd, hearing such a retort. They both overcame hardships quite well throughout the long years they'd spent alive. Still the memories of old earth were coveted, they had began fading, no one would be able to keep them forever.

"What am I going to do?" Rei asked as Makoto chuckled darkly. "I don't see what's so funny."

"Rei, what do you really want? That girl who shows interest in you, or Minako." That indeed, was the real question everyone wanted to ask, but few dared. "Fusayo is from my planet, she would feel the same way, wanting you only for herself. Still, we all have started something not easily stopped. If Usagi beckoned you to her room, would that girl let you go?" It was twisted really, how funny fate could be. "Better yet, would you stay loyal, and not go to the side of others? Could you cut your lust for all of us, and put it aside?"

"I...I've no idea." That's what was so alluring about Rei. How destroyed she really was. How broken they all were, the test of time having worn into all of them. "Am I really that jaded that I wouldn't?"

As if you have a choice

"We've all changed." Makoto shrugged. Although she had suspected Rei would not stay loyal, and would be driven by temptation, there were always chances she could be wrong. "Just as we thought Setsuna was rather odd for her views and actions, we too are becoming odd. Change is part of our world, it always has been I guess, but now, when you think about it, Setsuna's life has always been this way. Sometimes I wonder how she didn't go insane, but what we've done, that's how she didn't. She adapted, just like we have. If what we all share, if that's good or not, I just don't know yet."

"Come on, we haven't changed that much, have we?" Rei knew she had. She changed in terrible ways. She could admit that. "I know I have, but the others...and you too? No, we couldn't. I mean, Usagi's still Usagi, right?"

"Rei, think about it." Makoto forced herself to do away with baking again, pulling a bottle of deep red wine from the cooler near the fridge. "As you've gotten older, you've wanted so much. You even started call things yours. As if you think you own them. People, and their feelings, they don't normally work that way." Makoto also selected two large, thick goblets, forgoing the immaculate wine glasses that covered six shelves in the cabinet. Crystal simply not made for the two of them. "You've gotten more aggressive when threatened too. Other things, like your fighting, that's gotten stronger. I feel like we will evolve over time, that we will change even more. We are what we are, and I think that part of it, well, I don't think we can control some of the changes."

"I've always been hotheaded though." Rei eyed the red liquid, and savored the slow actions that Makoto took to get the cork out. "Don't forget, I wasn't a half bad fighter either. And you, hell Makoto, you've always been able to take care of yourself." Greed, lust, that's what changed in Rei, and they both knew better than to go there. Saying it wouldn't help anyone.

"I've grown three inches since adulthood hit me." Makoto told Rei harshly. "People don't normally grow after they should stop." Makoto, handed Rei one of the filled goblets, knowing what would happen. "That isn't cheep vodka...you should be nicer to it." Rei did what she always did. Swigging the beverage as if it was the last water in the world.

"Don't play with me." Rei sighed as she placed the empty wooden goblet down, and snatched the chilled bottle, refilling the void that she'd made so quickly. "I know you have a point to this, so give it to me already. I don't need another teacher who can't teach." So many of them tried to speak with Rei, but very few could get past her sharp tongue. "I don't need a prophet who can't do their job the first time, either." The problems Rei had were shared by many of them, and although it was hidden well, they all knew better than to step on the toes. Pots calling the kettle back would never fix anything.

"What if I don't want to say it?" That was always the problem, the defining moment that normally caused all the walls to shatter, just like that glass bottle from so long ago. "What if what we started, was because of things unsaid? Things we'd never done, or want to let go of? Why would I break that cycle? Why should I be the one to do it...why don't you?"

"Because your the one...you the person who walked into my life, acting as if you could take my pain and turn it around. Your the one who claimed that job." Rei gulped the rest of her wine again, and pushed herself away from the counter with anger that was well contained. "Your the one who slept with me, while I was screwed over in the head no less."

"And you let me!" Makoto roared, her emerald eyes shimmering with her own frustrations. "Even after all of that, you told me that you cared, that you didn't want us to end...so I didn't let go of you. I still haven't you idiot, none of us have. Still, we can't all be what you want us to be for you simply because it's easier. We all have out own moral obligations, I've got my emotional ones too. You aren't alone, and yet, you choose to keep yourself as far away from most of us as you possibly can. You want to know why Usagi is still Usagi? It's because she still has all of us, whenever, and however she needs. You and I, we can't ever have that, we can't ever take what we want, and forsake everyone else. But you sure as hell try, don't you?"

"I don't need this." Rei whispered as she stormed out of the kitchen, and down the long hallways of the castle. She past the dinning room, all dressed in cream colors and etched in golden beauty, able to comfortably seat hundreds of people. She stalked past the grand ballroom, where many parties always brought merriment late into the evenings. She fumed as she passed so many other rooms, all of them belonging to Mamoru and Usagi. "I don't want any of this." She whispered, her eyes burning with salty tears. Without thinking, she walked briskly up the long castle stairwells. Passing so many guest rooms, even more small living quarters, and the second level of the castle kitchen, along with a small dining room, one that only sat twenty chairs. Just enough for close friends, and even closer family. Finally, she reached Usagi's bedroom, their king gone away on Senshi matters.

Rei was about to knock, but halted her hand as soon as she heard laughter from beyond the beautiful white door, one with the silver handle. "Minako's in there..." Rei sighed, unwilling to let her presence be known, laughter so fleeting when Mamoru wasn't around. "It figures...Usagi's never alone." If it was her voice filled with melancholy, or her thunderous heartbeat that raged within her, Rei was unsure. Still she knew that she had attracted attention from knowing eyes.

Even if you cannot hear my voice

"They're partaking in some tea." Ami said softly, holding a rather thick tome. "Should be expected really, what without Mamoru around. Even the baby misses him." Ami had likely been the one to age the most gracefully, her stern eyes had gained light, and soft understanding. The girl who worked in sterility most of the time, had easily become unclean as a woman. She had no reservations, no reasons to apologize. Ami, one of the few of them to cast aside any and all regrets. She, just as her mother had been before her, a woman both imperfect, and silently rebellious. "I would have gone too, had I not been taking down the logs."

"So, you heard the fighting between me and Makoto then. Sorry, it wasn't for others to hear." Rei crossed her arms. Ami only took logs for two things. Her medical records, and ledgers books for castle funds. By the size and shape of the book, it had been the latter. "I guess next time we fight, it should be outside."

"You two argue often." Ami laughed, shaking her head slowly. There was always less than civil banter among the group, harmony was never truly achieved. Not by everyone at a single time. "I would not worry, many don't pay the slightest attention to it. Even if we do hear you, we know it's best not to interfere." It was refreshing, to have such a boisterous family, the one thing Ami hadn't ever truly had. "Doing so, especially when you are involved, is never a wise idea."

"Do you believe it then?" Rei wondered if anyone did.
"What exactly are you referencing?" Ami had heard the entire conversation, and she feared what the real question would be.
"Everything...from what Makoto said to me, can you believe it?" Rhetorical, indeed, but painful none the less.
"She does love you, dearly." Ami answered, her eyes downcast. "Just as she loves me."
"Then what about you?" Rei pressed farther. "What do you feel, for her...or anyone for that matter?"

"I already told you. It is not good for me to get involved between the two of you." She sighed when she felt Rei's eyes burning into her. "You've been drinking, you are clearly upset, and I know you both well enough to know that explosive temperaments will result in hurt feelings. That is simply how you two work. It is not my job, nor my responsibility, to choose sides." Ami wanted to walk into her study, shut the door, and finish her work for the day, instead though, she merely extended an invitation. "I understand that I am not the most sought after individual for your nocturnal affairs, but Makoto will be joining Haruka tonight, and my bed will be cold. My room is open, should you wish to seek me out." With that, she turned around, walking away to put the tome away. Work, it could wait until a new day found the sky.

I'll be right beside you dear

Rei hesitated for a moment, looking at Usagi's door. Muted whispers, and faint cries of needs told her what they were doing. Minako always went to Usagi. Always, without waiting for the woman to become lonely. "Why can you do that for me?" Rei felt her tears fall as she stood, glaring into the door, knowing that from beyond, Minako could feel Rei's pain. The woman, well, she was from Venus, her heart could feel love, even if that love was filled with suffering. Rei, lonely, and without any warmth knew she would find herself at Ami's bed later that night. Both of them refused to apologize for transgressions, but perhaps that was their own sin, both immoral, and evil seeping into the cracks that broken hearts couldn't mend.

Rei didn't know if she should tell the young girl everything, or if she should continue life as it had always gone, but for now she didn't want to think either. Instead she began to follow Ami, knowing that it solved nothing, but healed everything, even if only for just one night.

More later