Toei reuses its characters and their situations a bit too much to please me. ::grrs:: Anyway, I don't own Digimon, 'they' do.

While writing this, I was listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack...the most fitting piece was 'Breaking of the Fellowship', track 17. I listened to that most of all, and every time it got to the vocals, it perfectly fitted what I was writing.

Redeem Myself
by Rb

I know that for what I've done, there can be no forgiveness. For the sins I've committed, there is no absolution to be granted. I deserve every bit of pain and misery that I feel.

I was sheer evil, a force that cared about nothing but getting stronger. I didn't care who or what got in my way. I killed...I killed anything I could, not for a sadistic pleasure or for any purpose at all, besides getting strong. I always wanted to be strong. I was weak, and then I was strong, but I wasn't strong enough...

And then, I had strength...but I'd sold my own soul to achieve it.

What good is strength without a purpose to define it? To be strong for the sake of being strong is worthless. I know that now. I wish I'd learned it sooner.

I wish I'd never been born. I wish I'd died long ago. What good is living, if you're stuck as you were? If you never have a chance to redeem yourself, if you're stuck living out the same old path...living over your memories, seeing the pain on people's faces. It's no way to live. There's nothing to live for if you're stuck like that.

I want to be more than what I was. I can't change the past, I know that. I wish I could, but... I know that the only moment I can change is right now. I want to become more. I want to do something good. I want to protect something beautiful. I need...I should have died long ago. Somehow, I need to justify my existance.

I want to change myself. I'm trying to change myself. I can't do enough...I need something in my life which I can point to, say "look, I know I was evil, I know I did so much wrong, I know that I can never be forgiven...but at least, I did one thing which is good." And then I can die peacefully, because I'll have had one thing in my mistake of a life that I can be proud of.

I can't have forgiveness. I know I don't deserve any of it. To grant me it would be to layer over all of my past...I yearn for it, but I will never deserve it. These scars define me too well. I am past forgiveness. I can't...I can never forgive myself, so how can I ask it of anyone else?

But please, please, will I ever be purged from my legacy? Will I ever be able to be anything more than what I was? Please tell me I can -- otherwise, what's the use of living? Why must I stay on, if my existance only brings everyone pain?

I must redeem myself. Somehow.

It's so much harder to be 'good' than 'evil'. When you're evil, you don't need the approval of anyone or anything. You can do whatever you want, and you simply don't care about anything besides yourself. When you're good, you have to care. And that hurts so much, so much more than anything evil you do...to see the pain and fear on the faces of the people whom you love.

If there is anyone out there, anyone at all who can grant my prayer -- listen to my one wish, please? Let me protect something beautiful. Let me help someone who needs my stgrength. Let me do one thing, just one thing, which I can be proud of. Let me redeem myself in the only way I can.

And then... I can die peacefully.

-owari-