I had a quick break today from writing Bumpy Ride to write this oneshot inspired by Heart. I don't know about anyone else, but when Santana said "That? Our lips barely even grazed!" it made me think that she knew there were worse things that could have been mentioned. So here is my take on the complaints, and the reasons each person decided to go to Figgins :)

Complaints

Tuesday 7th February, 12.38pm, Cafeteria, reported by Josephine McDonald, head of the kitchen staff

I don't know what's with these boys today. Girls are supposed to be the ones who get all sappy before Valentine's Day, not teenage boys. They're supposed to take advantage of all the emotionally unstable girls at this time of year, not trip up and stare over their shoulders at something at the other end of the hall.

When the third boy slides his plate of spaghetti off the end of the counter with his eyes glued to the opposite side of the room, I decide that it's time to investigate. I leave the pan of tomato sauce bubbling and wind my way out from behind the counter to get a clear view of what is attracting so much attention.

My eyes scan the crowd, almost expecting a bikini-clad girl to appear before me, but the distraction becomes clear immediately in the form of two cheerleaders. The blonde is sitting in the brunette's lap, her mouth open to bite into the strawberry being offered to her. I hear another crash from behind me as I watch her lick the juice off the brunette's fingers, her arm snaking around the other girl's neck and leaning in to kiss her softly. I don't have anything personal against two girls being together like that – but when they start causing a mess in my cafeteria through provoking teenage boys' hormones I can't just let it slide. I go to see Principal Figgins as soon as lunch is over.

Thursday 9th February, 9.07am, Parking Lot, reported by Sue Sylvester, Cheerios coach

I have always set high standards for my Cheerios. No solid foods, several hours of ruthless training every day and my own sharp wit is the reason for the many trophies in my office. So when I notice that one of my co-captains and her permanent lackey have not made it into school on time for their first class, I decide to investigate. I cannot have my Cheerios disqualified from competing for bad class attendance, and those two have developed a bad habit of skipping recently.

It doesn't take long to find the pair. Santana's car is easy to notice with its blacked out windows and flawless paintwork. It's good that her father understands the need for an excellent public image when his daughter is co-captain of the Cheerios – she can't just be driving around any old car.

One loud knock on the window is all the warning they get before I pull the door open to reveal the two girls suddenly scrambling to cover up in the backseat. Thank god their Cheerios uniforms are still mostly on or I might have been blinded for life by the sight.

"Jugs, Lackey, you're late for class and your attendance records are already as uncertain as the political climate in the Middle East. Hop to it!" I snap at them. Brittany literally hops out of the car onto one foot with a shoe in her hand, pulling her top down over her stomach to cover various incriminating red marks. Santana follows a little more gracefully after straightening her uniform inside the car. She's retying her ponytail as she steps out in front of me, looking me in the eye with a steely expression. She's annoyed at being interrupted, but that's what I'm here for – to make sure my Cheerios don't make complete fools of themselves. The least she could do is be thankful that I'm looking out for her.

"Go!" I bark, and they set off towards the school entrance. This is not good for the Cheerios. If they're like this at Nationals I will face the humiliation of coming second again because they can't keep their hands to themselves. There's only one thing to do. I head for Principal Figgins' office. A quick complaint about his lack of control of student romances at this school should do the trick. By tomorrow I'm convinced he'll have implemented a complete anti-PDA policy on school grounds – he does so hate complaints.

Thursday 9th February, 4.40pm, Girls' Locker Room, reported by Shannon Beiste, football coach

I'm just going about my own business after the last school bell has rang for the day when I find a tube of mascara on the floor outside the girls' locker room. I don't go in there too often, but I guess that it must have dropped out of one of the Cheerio's bags when they were leaving after Sue's practice. I pick it up and push the door open, thinking to put it somewhere noticeable so that whichever girl dropped the make-up would be able to find it again easily in the morning. Placing it on the desk at the front of the room, I pause as I hear a bang from the other side of the locker room. Someone whispers, and I frown. The students should all be gone by now. The only reason someone would still be here would be if they were up to no good.

I try to keep quiet as I move across the room, although it's a bit difficult. I've never been the most graceful on my feet. I avoid knocking anything over until I find the source of the noise, and then I drop the clipboard in my hand to the floor at the sight of Brittany pinning Santana against the lockers, neither of them wearing any more than underwear.

"Girls! This is a public place!" I exclaim, bending quickly to pick up my clipboard and turning around to face the opposite wall so I didn't have to see any more, slightly flustered. "Get dressed! Go home, you're not even supposed to be in school anymore!"

I hear running footsteps and the bang of a door within a minute, and I let out a sigh of relief that they're gone. Yes it's been hard for them, I've heard all about it – but this is still a damn school! I'd never let any of my footballers get away with anything like that, but I know if I go to Sue she'll just brush it aside. There's only one person I can think of to go to in an attempt to ensure this doesn't happen again – because I sure as hell don't like spending my evenings chasing horny girls out of school.

Friday 10th February, 1.06pm, Storage closet, reported by Emma Pillsbury, school counsellor

I've run out of hand sanitiser. I've been getting better after living with Will and doing my treatment, but I just can't go without sanitiser. I don't know how anyone can – it is a basic component to living a healthy, hygienic lifestyle, especially when you are in a public place all day. First I make sure all my pamphlets are stacked neatly, then I lock the door behind me to make sure no one can dirty my office while I'm gone and make my way to the storage closet. Lunch finished a few minutes ago and the hallways are almost empty already with most students in their classrooms.

It's a good thing the storage closet for all the cleaning supplies is so near my office, really, considering how often I have to go there. I open the door and step inside, and immediately wish I'd never come. Brittany and Santana are on the floor in the corner with several boxes of cleaning supplies and various items of clothing scattered around them. They're naked – NAKED! – in my cleaning closet. My cleaning closet! I can't ever use it again! Everything is contaminated, and oh my goodness, the santiser is on the FLOOR! They're struggling to cover up now, finally aware of my presence, and I started to feel lightheaded when a cleaning cloth is pulled against Brittany's bare chest. Contaminated! Everything needs replacing! There's too much to do, far too much to see! Why do they have to do this here, of all places? They're only children, they shouldn't be doing stuff like this anyway! And in the cleaning supplies closet!

I run from the storage closet, not even worrying about closing the door as I race to find Principal Figgins. He needs to know, so that he can stop any of the cleaning supplies on the floor being used before any of the students have to go home sick from all the bacteria. He has to stop this ever happening again, I can't deal with things like this.

Monday 13th February, 12.16pm, Hallway, reported by a student via anonymous note

'I object to being forced to witness public displays of affection from Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce, most recently at 12.16pm today. Not only does it go against my religious convictions, PDA has no place in a school environment.'

I sigh as I place the note with the other recent reports in a file on my desk. Five complaints in a week – this was getting ridiculous. They'd started off relatively simple – I'd dismissed the strawberries in the cafeteria complaint with a laugh, but when Sue came I knew it was more serious, although I didn't act because I knew she must have ulterior motives to report her own Cheerios. Then Shannon, and then on Friday night Emma had practically broken down over what she'd just witnessed. Whoever this anonymous student was may not have the best reasons for wanting to prevent Brittany and Santana's public displays of affection, but I simply cannot let it go on any longer. This amount of complaints over one couple is unprecedented.

I set out on a hunt for the culprits, and soon enough find them about to engage in more of the Sapphic activity that had gained so much objection recently. Watching Brittany and Santana kiss is a lot more pleasant than the slobbery affair that is "Fin-Chel", but popular opinion seems to differ on that.

I'm the principal of William McKinley! I must do what I have to in order to keep control of this rabid population of students and teachers! And so I call out, knowing that I am about to make myself a permanent enemy out of one Santana Lopez. I might as well do it with style.

"Teen lesbians!"

I always find Sue the hardest to write so if anyone has any advice on that I'd be happy to hear it :) In fact, let me know what you think of Beiste & Emma & Figgins as well while we're talking characterisation. Also this is a oneshot, so don't bother with story alerting - just review instead :D For anyone who reads Bumpy Ride as well, I'm hoping to have an update for that by Saturday night, maybe tomorrow if you're lucky and I'm inspired. Oh, and check out my tumblr: laura1004 . tumblr . com