Chapter 3: Our Heroine Wins. And Eats Pie.

Harri was on her back, pinned between two people. This was both good and bad. The bad part was, Harri was on the Hogwarts Express, heading back to Privet Drive.

The good part was, Harri was pinned between Luna and Colin.

The surprisingly sexy part was, Colin was in a gimp suit. Luna had revealed herself (pun intended) as a surprisingly aggressive (and surprisingly sexy) pervert. She had commandeered a compartment on the Hogwarts express, evicting a pair of sixth year students through sheer force of personality. After she'd sealed the door she told Colin to strip and to put on a show while doing it. If his dance was good enough he would be allowed to participate. It wasn't good enough. Luna had him on the floor in a gimp suit before he could protest. Harri thought he looked good like that.

The shocking part was, well, Luna. "I'm a Black through my grandmother and I've inherited a family trait. I am a metamorphmagus, though I can control only one or two things because I've only got a little Black in me." Luna shifted before Harri's curious and then surprised and then awestruck eyes. "And now you're going to get a little Black in you." It wasn't so little. And it was a good thing she'd put up silencing charms. And it was a good thing Harri was on top of Colin, for padding. Luna liked it rough. "You might as well get used to it. Once you go Black, you never go back."

...ooo000ooo...

At the Third Task, Harri had been down near the beginning of the maze, surrounded by her now quiet subwoofers and splatter shield. She had been enjoying the sights and sounds of every one in considerable discomfort, but pretty soon the air was too foul to breathe. Why oh why hadn't she learned the bubblehead charm?

Harri made her way away from the crowd and toward the castle. She was desperately seeking fresh air, but almost eight months as a teenage girl had taught her to have eyes on the back and sides of her head, alert for "accidental" touches. Therefore she was not taken by surprise when a short, pudgy man came out of the shadows and tried to grab her. In the resulting scuffle she managed to clout him a good one in the nose. He staggered back and she ran toward the castle. What a creep! Wait a minute, was that…?

In another part of the country, Peter Pettigrew appeared with a pop. In one hand he clutched his nose and in the other a pilfered plastic bag.

Unwillingly making his way toward his master, Peter dawdled and tried to think of a way to escape the punishment he knew he was in for. He noticed that in the plastic bag was... A sock? A bloody sock?

"Master, I was unable to capture Potter because her guards were too many for me. But I was able to take some of her blood. Will it be enough, Master?"

Dark Lord Misshapen-baby-thing told Peter to go ahead with the ritual. A few drops of blood were all that was needed, and the sock was simply drenched.

Peter whimpered as he cut off his hand and threw it into the stew pot with Voldemort and the bones. The blood went in next, sock and all.

As Peter lay there bleeding he watched the cauldron urgently, hoping his master would be pleased enough to keep him alive. But what was in the cauldron was... Not Voldemort. Not even human.

What sat the cauldron was a used feminine hygiene product, big enough for an elephant.

Peter Pettigrew bled to death wondering what had gone wrong.

...ooo000ooo...

The usual parliament of owls fluttered in at breakfast a few mornings after the third task. It was a week before the end of the school year.

Harri watched the owls with more interest than usual. She wasn't expecting any deliveries today, but the owls were the timing cue for another event. Trying not to make it obvious, she watched the entrance to the Great Hall.

And right on schedule a delivery man walked in. Harri had had to arrange for special delivery because owls directed to the staff were rerouted and did not make their deliveries in front of the student body. She thought it was worth the trouble and expense because McGonagall had really pissed her off: three-hour detentions every night for the rest of the year and for the first three months of the next school year, just because the crone had soiled herself at the tournament. Well, she was one of the people who had forced Harri to participate. When Harri appealed the detentions to Dumbledore, on the grounds that her method for completing the tournament was not subject to review or criticism by staff members not involved in the tournament, the old wizard simply mumbled something about "has my full confidence" and "ruined a very nice new robe".

"Professor McGonagall! Professor McGonagall! Got a special delivery for Professor McGonagall! Here you go, Madame. Your first delivery from Dildo-a-Day. 'Tools for what ails you' (registered trademark). If you'll just sign on the dotted line to confirm receipt?"

McGonagall signed, looking puzzled. The flamboyantly dressed wizard managed to escape from the Great Hall before she had opened the package. She was shocked speechless as she held up the realistically shaped, realistically colored, and realistically textured "relaxation tool". The gales of laughter from the students knocked her out of the shock and she started flinging detentions around like confetti. Harri managed to escape detention by hiding behind a larger student.

The next morning, McGonagall drove the delivery wizard out of the hall before he could get to the head table. He was a competent professional, however, and managed to launch the day's delivery so that it landed in her tea. Pointing upward at her. Many detentions were handed out that day, too.

The third morning, a little old lady hobbled up to the head table during breakfast and told McGonagall she had an important message for her. Leaning in, she gestured for the professor to bring her head closer. "Special delivery!" she hollered in McGonagall's ear as she thwapped the teacher in the forehead with a realistically shaped but unrealistically colored model. Cackling, she ran away, transforming back into the delivery wizard just before reaching the doors.

The fourth morning, there was no delivery wizard and no little old lady. There was, however, the delivery owl for the daily Prophet. The doll had a little trouble this morning, likely because its load was heavier than usual. The day's "tool for what ails you" was a bright green, nicely matching the headmaster's garish robes.

The fifth morning, McGonagall did not show up for breakfast. In her first class of the day, which just happened to include the Gryffindor fourth years, a female prefect interrupted the class to tell the professor there was an urgent letter for her. As soon as McGonagall broke the wax seal, the transfiguration ended and the students all saw her holding a three-pronged, purple tool.

The sixth morning, McGonagall skipped both breakfast and class, choosing instead to hide in her apartment. No one was sure how the delivery had been managed, but the result was that the old woman burst screaming from her rooms, followed by a clear model bouncing along after her like a pogo stick.

The seventh morning, the last breakfast before the students went home, the delivery wizard returned. "I was so sad to hear that Professor McGonagall had to be admitted to St Mungo's," he confidentially said to Dumbledore, whispering low enough that students in the far corner of the Great Hall had to strain to hear. "It's not unheard of when people over-use our products. She should have read the instructions which suggested twelve times a day as a reasonable limit. Well, nothing for it now. I'll just leave this here for when she returns."

Arranging for special delivery had been very expensive, but worth every knut.

...ooo000ooo...

During the dildo distraction, Harri learned that Dumbledore had arranged to be buried in Hogwarts grounds at the appropriate time. She wasted some time trying to figure out how to bury him right now, figuring this was as an appropriate time as any, but finally gave it up as a bad deal. So instead she decided to crap the land for the beloved headmaster and screwer-upper of her life. She erected an outhouse right over the plot where Dumbledore was to be buried. And in so doing she discovered something disturbing. The late, lamented Severus Snape was buried right next to Dumbledore's place. In the location that a wife would be buried. Very disturbing.

Dumbledore has also been busy. He had managed to pull himself away from the Giant Tentacle Monster long enough to lay down the law. Literally. The Wizengamot had just passed a law in a closed door session proclaiming that, because of Harri's prominence, importance to the wizarding world, and utter inexperience with her responsibilities to same, Dumbledore was to be given full custody of Harri to bring her up properly in the wizarding tradition. Naturally, Dumbledore's first move was to send Harri back to the Dursleys so she could be isolated and uneducated. Harri already had a few ideas regarding Dumbledore and the Wizengamot.

Those plans would have to wait. For the summer, she was locked inside the Dursley's house and totally cut off from the wizard in the world.

That's not to say she wasn't kept busy. Harry had a revelation early in the summer. If she was forced to clean the house and the furniture and the dishes but was never allowed to use any of it, there was no reason for it to stay really clean. If she was forced to cook but was not allowed to eat what she cooked, there was no reason for the food to stay clean. Creative use of bodily waste was the order of the day.

...ooo000ooo...

Toward the end of August, Harri sat at a cheap table with a motherly older woman. Two angry men stood near the wall.

Things were not as dire as it sounds.

"Oh, I'm ashamed to even talk about it," Harri wept. She was at a police station after her great escape from the locked smallest bedroom. "It happened on the day I returned from school. I had one on top of me and the other underneath me. I screamed and screamed but no one heard. And then I was locked in my room and I didn't have any of my own clothes, only Dudley's cast-offs."

After the crap the Dursleys had put her through for the past two months, and the past fourteen years, Harri wanted some pay-back. The front door being smashed down when Luna and Colin finally found her and broke her out of her summer prison wasn't even a start. Pay-back was going to be a bitch.

Harri was reading from Dumbledore's play-book. She wasn't exactly lying but she certainly wasn't telling the whole truth. A half-truth here, a misdirection there, and let the police believe whatever they wanted to.

"So, let me see if I have this straight. Your uncle and your cousin, ah, accosted you after you returned from school?"

Harri just nodded, tears in her eyes. It was true, after all. She was barely in the house when Vernon poked her in the shoulder and said, "Listen, boy, there'll be no freaks and no freakishness here this summer. Do you understand me, boy?"

"And now you're, er, in a family way?" Harri burst into buckets of tears.

The police sergeant nodded at the burly patrolmen. "You'll go pick them up, right? And you expect them to resist arrest, right?"

Harri pulled herself together and reached into her purse. "Could you give these to Uncle Vernon when you see him? Tell him I got him a gift just for this occasion."

The sergeant handed the six-pack of anal lube tubes to the senior patrolman. "Bring one of the crime scene boys with you. We'll want a good picture of his face when you give him these."

Harri went with the social services lady quietly enough. She'd have to stay with someone for a few days but she wanted to drop out of sight and go to Luna's house soon. She'd have to think of a way to make it look like Petunia was responsible for her disappearance.

After the baby was born Harri would use a potion that Sirius had given her from the Black library along with a little bit of Vernon's blood she had obtained and, lo and behold, Vernon would be the father so far as any muggle paternity tests were concerned.

Yes, pay-back was a bitch. And soon enough Vernon was going to be someone's bitch.

...ooo000ooo...

Harri stayed with Luna after September first. Colin had to return to Hogwarts. The two girls managed to get away from the school due to pregnancy. Dumbledore had resisted but Harri's talk with the board regarding her disruption to the school and the entire wizarding world last year and veiled threats of more of the same, combined with Luna's not at all veiled threats to publish certain photographs of Dumbledore and the Giant Tentacle Monster, managed to mute Dumbledore's influence.

Luna's father had been surprisingly understanding, or perhaps simply oblivious. When Luna told her father that she was going to be a daddy, he simply nodded and told her to be a good male role model for the child. He had allowed Luna to stay at home with Harri this year because "no daughter of mine is going to get some young lady knocked up and then just abandon her to a cold and uncaring world."

...ooo000ooo...

Late in the fall, Luna and Harri performed a practical Charms and Transfiguration examination as part of their home schooling. They did some work under Muggle London, then transformed each other into ugly old crones and visited the Ministry building.

Venting a Muggle sewer line into the Ministry ventilation system wasn't difficult at all. Harri had wanted to have sewage running down the walls, but concealing the source would have been too difficult to conceal. This was better. The smell filtering through the underground building was vaguely disgusting and it would tend to make people sick.

Fair enough. The ministry made her sick.

...ooo000ooo...

The blessed event occurred in late March. The obstetrician who had been taking care of Harri had seen plenty of teenage mothers with no father in sight. He was glad that young Harri had a friend to stand with her. Though the friend seemed a little strange. She was sure that the child would be a girl "because neither of us has a Y chromosome to make a boy." And then, during the delivery, Harri's profanity and threats were very common, but not usually directed against another girl. "If you ever put it in me again I'll rip it right off!"

Minutes after the little girl was born, Harri groaned and then… there was a boy lying on the delivery bed.

Luna waggled her fingers in front of the doctor's and nurse's faces. "You did not just see a girl turn into a boy."

The doctor frowned disapprovingly. "You know the Jedi mind trick doesn't really work, don't you?"

Luna simply shrugged. "I did the Jedi mind trick and now you're convinced that the girl who just delivered a baby turned into a boy. Are you sure I haven't done anything to your memory?"

Assured that the baby was perfectly healthy and did not need to stay in the hospital, the teens made their escape. Because she was "obviously" the new mother, Luna got to ride in the wheelchair, whee-ing the whole way. Poor Harry had to hobble along after even though he felt he had just passed a bowling ball through his urethra.

...ooo000ooo...

Harry and Luna had spent time with Colin every Hogsmeade weekend and over the Christmas break. They visited him in Hogsmeade for the last time in late April.

"I'm sorry, Colin, but I have to break up with you. Now that I'm a boy again, it would be just too weird to go out with another boy." It was going to be weird enough, explaining to their daughter that Luna was the father and Harry was the mother. Fitting Colin in would just be too difficult.

Colin didn't take it well, not at all. He cried, he begged, he offered to change into a girl. Harry held firm, though Luna was getting intrigued by the possibilities. "Let's say you change into a girl. Would you be willing to wear a collar and handcuffs and call me Mistress Luna?"

Feeling tired by the drama, Harry and Luna went back home to their family. Mr Lovegood couldn't exactly be trusted to take care of a baby, but they had brought in Dobby, who was more than delighted to bond to Harry's family. And even though the elf was clearly insane, he was less insane than Mr L.

In bed, Luna pointed out one thing that she missed from Harry's girl days. "I'll never again be able to eat Harri pie."

"Then I'll just have to eat for two," Harry mumbled.

...ooo000ooo...

Epilogue

In his dark, dank lair (his family's basement rec room; he'd turned off most of the lights and the dehumidifier was broken) Colin brooded. He'd been dumped. Cast aside. Traded in for someone better. Er, different. Not better. This would not be allowed to stand! He would win her, or him, back. He would watch her, er him, learn everything about her/him. And then he would take her back!

Colin Creavey closed his eyes. Creepy Dark Lord Stalker opened them.

Author's Note: Colin's transformation in the epilogue is a nod both to the birth of Rorschach in The Watchmen and to the birth of Voldemort in clell65619's Harry Potter and the Acts of Betrayal (story 3807777 on FFN), which I read before Watchmen.