A Second Too Late

Part 1/3

I don't know how much more love this heart can lose, and I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds.

Exit Wounds - The script

"NO!" Kate screamed as she heard the gun shot go off. It rang in her ears, a sound she had become accustomed to over the ears, it generally was something that didn't faze her anymore, there were exceptions, but on a whole, Kate Beckett was used to a gunshot ringing in her ears. But the sound felt foreign to her as it echoed off the walls of the parking garage.

Time slowed as she saw his body tumblr forward, he hit the ground at full force, the sound would haunt her for the rest of her life.

She closed her eyes, waiting for it, willing it to come. She knew she would be next, that it would be her turn, she could only wish that she got to be the first, that she never had to witness everything that was just engraved into her brain, the sight, the sound, nothing about what had just happened was something she ever wanted to have been a witness too. She felt a single tear slide slowly down her cheek, her eyes plastered shut, waiting and willing. She couldn't bear to open them, to see the inevitable sight that would be cast open her retina if she chose to do so. So she kept them close, listened for anything that would give her sense of what was happening and when it would come.

Another shot fired, she hoped it was the bullet that would bring her the same fate she just watched the man she loved receive, but instead it was the woman who had ended his life that joined his lifeless body on the ground. She opened her eyes slowly, not wanting to face the reality that was before her. The sight before her, it made her wish that it were her skull that a bullet had traveled through.

His body lie face down on the ground; his hands at his side, life had left him before his body had even had the chance to try and stop the momentum that tumbled him forward. The pool of blood that surrounded his head grew with each passing second. She could still hear the shot ringing in her ears. She knelt there, frozen, unable to move, to think, there was nothing she could do.

She crawled her way over to his body, she was unable to muster the strength to do anything else, she was sure that if she had tried to get to her feet it would be unsuccessful, crawling was her only option. She faintly was aware of the agents and other people moving around her, them taking the body of the meticulous woman, who had caused this, away. She wasn't aware of the sobs that wracked her body. She placed her hands at the side of his body, rolling him over, seeing his open eyes. They were more blue thank she had ever seen them, piercing the depths of her tear filled green ones. She placed her hands on his chest and continued to sob. This had to be a nightmare, this couldn't be reality, it wasn't possible.

"I love you, Rick." She croaked out, through the sobs that racked her entire body, the parallels that created themselves in her mind were too much, she remembered being the one on the other side of this too soon ago, being the one of the receiving end of the comment, but this time there wouldn't be ay repercussions, it was too late.

She couldn't be sure of what amount of time had passed, she had put her head down on his chest, the emptiness that filled it, the lack of a heartbeat and rushing blood rocked her to the core. This could not be happening. They got through everything, no matter how many life or death situations they managed to get themselves in, they always got each other out.

This was a nightmare, before she knew it she would wake up in her bed, covered in sweat, but this horror would be over, just a figment of her brain, that she could push away, lock away, and pretend it never happened.

The next thing she had any recollection of was Esposito picking her up to her feet, removing her from him, bringing her his car while people dealt with his body. His cold, lifeless body.

She was covered in his blood, her hands, knees, too much blood. She couldn't pinpoint the time in which her sobs managed to subside. Now just silent tears rolled down her cheeks at their own will. She felt nothing, she was numb, there was nothing she could feel.

"Kate?" She could hear Esposito call her name, somewhere; she was unaware of his proximity to her.

She simply looked up at him, there was nothing else she could do. No words she could say, no other movement that seemed plausible. Her green eyes that usual shone, even in the tiniest bit, especially recently, were empty, a void of life, like the body of the man that had been taken away in a body bag now, just a pool of his blood where he used to lay. She was entranced by it, the way it spread itself out on the concrete. Mixing with the blood of the woman responsible for everything her life had become. It formed patterns on the gray concrete, it was as if it was the last part of him able to tell a story, his spilt blood trying to convey a message, one he would never be able to tell himself. She couldn't rip her eyes from the sight, the tears blurred her vision, but she felt the need to watch it. Watch the as the light reflected off it, as it flowed to fill a dip the ground of the parking garage, it filled every crevice, much like her hands.

She looked down at them, they were stark red, every possible line and bump covered in the last thing she had of him. She squeezed her hands and eyes both shut, her short fingernails digging their way into her palms, her eyes ripping open a moment after she closed them. She had to keep them open, the images in her brain were too much, it was all too soon, she couldn't stand to relive them yet.

She remembered being placed in the back of the squad car, Ryan and Esposito in the front as they made their way through the city back to the precinct. She remember the recruit that brought her a set of clothes and told her they needed the ones that she wore for evidence, the ones that were covered in now drying blood. She gave her statement, going through the motions of what had happened, as much as she was allowed to share. It was all too familiar to her, years had gone by, but this feeling was something she never thought she would have to go through again, yet here she was, making her way through nearly the exact same motions.

She remember hearing the sobs of Alexis and Martha coming from somewhere in the precinct, a location she was unable to pinpoint, but they were unmistakable. She wanted to go to the girl, explain to her that she knew how she was feeling, that things get better eventually, but she opted against it. She couldn't convince herself right now that things were going to get better, let alone the daughter of the man she watched die a short time ago, the death that she would be held partly responsible for.

Instead she made her way to the break room, she needed coffee, she was exhausted, but the last thing she wanted to do was close her eyes and get some sleep, she couldn't, it was an option. She made her way to the coffee maker, tears forming in her eyes, coffee had always been their thing, always his thing to her, and now as miniscule and insignificant as it seemed, she wished more than anything that he was here for this. She changed her mind, heading for the old coffee maker of the precinct, and pouring herself a styrofoam cup of the dark liquid. She put it down on the table, hoisting herself up into one of the chairs, and pushing the cup toward the middle of the table to lay her head down. Tears spilled out of her eyes, she did nothing to try and fight or stop them, and she knew it would be a useless battle, one she didn't want to fight.

Seconds passed, turning to minutes, and into hours, she was sure. She sat there, stared at the coffee machine, his coffee machine, the dark liquid she had poured herself went untouched, growing cold, the same way his body surely had as his heartbeat stopped, the blood stopped flowing through him and poured out of his body onto the concrete of the parking garage.

"Come on, Kate," Lanie said to her as she walked into the break room, Esposito standing and leaning against the doorframe. Her arm was stretched out straight along the table, her head laid against it and her sleeve wet from where her tears had landed upon it.

She shook her head in response to Lanie. She couldn't go home, she couldn't be there right now.

"Kate, hunny, I know," Lanie sighed, walking the short distance to Kate's back, rubbing a hand along it. "But you can't stay here, we'll get you home, I can stay if you want, make some dinner, you can get some sleep."

She continued to shake her head as Lanie got her to her feet and lead her out of the precinct. She managed to break the soft grip Lanie had on her upper arm, placed there simply for support, and she slumped her body in her desk chair before she began to sob again.

Everywhere she looked there he was, she couldn't go home to her apartment he had invaded so many times, there was no where she could be, nothing in her life that didn't hold part of him anymore or didn't remind her of him in so way. He walked into her life four years ago and turned her world upside down, managed to sneak himself into every aspect of her life before she had a chance to notice and stop him. And here she was four years later wishing he were here, wishing that he was invading her personal space and every aspect of her being. Yet instead his body lay in a morgue, cold and no longer living.

She needed to pinch herself, wake up from the nightmare she was trapped in, but as she squeezed the skin on her form arm between her nails, she didn't wake up, there was no nightmare, no escaping this, it was reality, and she was stuck in it.

She made the mistake of squeezing her eyes shut, not wanting to see the looks of desperation spread across the faces of Lanie and Esposito. It played over in her mind as if she were there again. She could smell the blood that stained the floor of the parking garage, feel the cool air the prickled her skin through the layers of clothing, the concrete under her hands and knees, his blood dying her skin all over again. She tried to force the images from her brain, with no success, she felt Lanie wrap her arms around her, she forced her eyes open again, the tears poured from them. This couldn't be happening, he couldn't be gone, it wasn't possible.

Lanie and Esposito brought her to her apartment, opening the door for her as she poured herself into it, curling her body into the chair in her living room.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay, Kate?" Lanie asked her. "I don't mind."
"No, Lanie." She managed to croak out, her throat raw, and her words quiet, as if not to disturb the silence.

Lanie walked over and gave Kate a small squeeze to her shoulder.

"Call if you need anything, any time." She said, giving her a longing look before she nudged Esposito out of the apartment.
"Are you sure it was a good idea to leave her alone?" He asked as they got into the elevator of Kate's building.

"She will be fine, she's strong, and she's smart, she wont do anything rash. If the girl wants to be alone who am I to try and change her mind or tell her no, she just lost the love of her life."

Esposito nodded, not being able to imagine the pain and hurt that Kate was going through, and surely she was blaming no one but herself.

She shut off all the lights in the apartment, the dark was better, just a simpl glow from a candle that sat on her side table, she didn't have to face everything in the dark, she could pretend this wasn't happening, that she hadn't just watched the life drain from the man that she loved, in the dark. She had traded the clothes they gave her at the precinct for yoga pants and an old sweater from the academy, it engulfed her, much to big for her small frame, but it was better that way, she could hide in it, wrap her entire self in it and think about anything that was the world in front of her. She poured herself a small glass of rum, it sat next to her untouched, alcohol wasn't the answer, she knew that, and she knew it wouldn't help, nothing would make her forget. She sat in the chair, swirling the dark liquid around the glass, becoming mesmerized by the pattern of it. But she couldn't even look it for long, it looked nothing like the blood he lost, but it reminded her of it anyways. That was the worst part, remembering all the blood that spilled out of his body. There was so much, too much. She swore her hands still had a tinge of red to them, even through all the scrubbing she had done at the precinct. She had scrubbed her entire body until it was raw, hoping she could scrub away the thoughts and feelings that consumed her being.

Kate Beckett appreciated her life more than anyone she knew, she had been so close to death, had so many brushes with it in the past that she was thankful for every moment she got to spend alive, but she couldn't help a small part of her that wished so much she had met the same fate that he had this afternoon. Things would be easier, and she knew, as much as she shouldn't wish she weren't dead, she couldn't help it. In that brief moment, after she watched his lifeless body hit the ground, she was sure this was the end. They say you see your life flash before your eyes in the moments before your death, and that's what happened, she watched the life drain out of the body of the man she loved. The man she never got to tell she loved, the man she kept the secret of knowing his love for her from, she couldn't help but regret it all. Regret the secrets and the lies, and being the reason they never got their chance, the reason they missed their shot.

She put the glass of alcohol down on the side table and blew out the burning candle, leaving her in pure darkness. Her blinds had been shut tightly, no light from the city that surrounded her able to peak its way into her apartment. She dragged her feet to her bedroom, she didn't know how late it was, didn't really care. She left her phone on the table where Lanie had put it next to her before leaving her, she wouldn't need or feel any sort of want to check it. She would be up at the brink of dawn and off the precinct just like every other morning, she had to, any sense or normalcy in her life, she would cling to it.

She crawled under the thick blankets of her bed, pulling them up to her chin, as if to shield her from the harsh extremities of the world. She felt numb, the feeling spreading through out her entire body, to the tips of her fingers and toes. She hoped that maybe, just maybe in the morning she would wake and this all would be some horrible nightmare she had been unable to wake herself from so far. That it was all in her mind, and she wouldn't have to face it, though she doubted that would be the case. She couldn't help that wish tomorrow, when she finally managed to pull herself from her bed and got herself to the precinct somehow that Rick would be sitting in the chair he claimed as his own next to her desk, a warm latte waiting for her on her desk, greeted by his warm smile and eyes. She could hope, hold onto the possibility that it could happen, and if not she could bask in the memory of what it used to be. She would fight sleep as long as she could, stare at the ceiling, try to void the day's events from her brain, but she was sure it would take her eventually, it always did. She would hope that when the inevitable took over, ripping her consciousness away, that she didn't dream, because she was sure that it would not be happy, and she didn't want to have to relive the day in her dreams, the wounds were too fresh, still raw, she had refused to accept the fact that he was gone, the last thing she wanted was to have to watch him be ripped away from her all over again.