AN/ Hi! VANiix here, with a new story! I warn you now, the first few chapters (if my plan is correct) are going to seem a little slow. This is because I am terrible when it comes to back plot – I always go overboard with it. So please, bear with this!

Disclaimer : Naruto does not belong to me! But this story does!

Warnings : This story is going to contain self harm, eating disorders, mental disorders, some blood/gore and waaaay too much angst. I'll try to post specific warnings for each chapter, but you have been warned.

CHAPTER ONE

"There is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock"
― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell

The room was silent, considering the dark, heavy clouds outside the window and the small, frail body at the table. There was no laughter or talking, nor, it seemed, even the sound of breathing. The silence was absolute – thickening the air and stealing all life from the room. The lack of sound was dark, reflecting the mood of the seventeen year old boy hunched over a small bowl of rice and feeding off the negative thoughts constantly created in the small, dingy kitchen.

Then Naruto sighed, and the spell was broken; the windows could be heard rattling weakly against the wind, the steady dripping of a leaking faucet sounding from the open door of the bathroom. The loudest sound seemed to come from the light clinking of chopsticks against a chipped bowl, and Naruto heaved another sigh before weakly pushing the dish away, letting his head instead fall to the weathered table beneath him.

He had screwed up, again. Team Seven had been scheduled to meet up at eight that morning for some much needed practice on teamwork. And since Naruto rarely got to see either Sasuke or Sakura outside of training, he took their practices very seriously. When else would he get the chance to spend time with the two? He knew that neither of them enjoyed being seen with him, the dead last, if they could help it. In fact, they seemed to go out of their way to avoid him at all times. Hence, he enjoyed every team practice they had scheduled – regardless that it meant Sasuke would be irritated, and Sakura would take every chance to yell at the blonde, and that Kakashi would be late (which meant less time spent with Naruto) and that when he arrived the silver haired jounin would spend the majority of the practice ignoring everyone but Sasuke. It was still time together.

And Naruto, stupid as he was, had gotten up at one. In the afternoon. He had slept in, slept through his special time with Team Seven. How could he have slept through the blaring of his alarm clock? Ignoring a small voice in his head that whispered 'it's not your fault you didn't get home until dawn, stuck bleeding and broken in the alley as you were' the blonde lifted his head only to smack it back onto the table, pleased by the dull ache that immediately followed. He deserved the pain, deserved much worse for skipping something so important.

The teen wondered, only for a moment, why no one had come to wake him up. He knew that neither Sasuke or Sakura knew where he lived, but what about Kakashi? Okay, so Naruto didn't expect anyone to be worried about him, or wonder if he was alright, but the team had to of at least assumed he'd forgotten to wake up. So why hadn't Kakashi, with or without the other two in tow, come to get him up?

The thought was quickly banished. The blonde knew perfectly well why his team hadn't come to get him, so what was the point of pondering? It'd only bring him down more than he already was, and it was hard enough to crack a smile through the day.

Lifting his head, Naruto rubbed at his eyes, ignoring the aching muscles he always had after a rough beating (he figured it was some strange side effect to his speedy healing) before standing wearily from the rickety chair he'd been sitting on for the last hour. The thing was even worse off then his table, the finish completely worn and one of the front legs missing.

Tucking it carefully back under the dining table, the blonde reached for his breakfast, disdainfully eyeing the small amount of rice slowly drying in the bowl. It was almost untouched – just a few grains painfully eaten. Naruto knew he should eat it, had commanded himself several times to "man up and finish it", but the few tiny bites he had ingested had stuck to the back of his throat and threatened his gag reflex.

So the bowl was tossed onto the counter for later consumption. With a little hot water it'd be as good as new, which was a relief considering the blonde couldn't afford to toss even that small of a portion into the trash. As it stood he was already down to his last few cups of rice, and he wasn't scheduled for a refill for another week and a half. Just another thing to scold himself for – he hadn't been as careful with his rations as he usually was. He could almost feel the weight gained from his previous gluttony.

Face somber, Naruto turned and left the kitchen, heading to the bathroom for a much needed shower. That was one of the few things being close with the Old Man was good for; he always had running water, hot and cold, and electricity. The blonde was just worried about what was going to happen when Sarutobi passed on – a painful thought, but necessary none-the-less. Would he still get these privileges? Or would he be forgotten, left to rot in his dead, useless apartment?

As he walked, the teen stripped himself, tossing his worn, ratty black wife beater in the general direction of his bedroom (not a separate room, much to contrary belief, just an offshoot of his living room) and leaving his stained, even older pair of neutral grey sleeping pants on the floor where he'd dropped them.

Naruto undressed just in time to catch his reflection in the bathroom mirror; heavily scarred over his entire body from the neck down (apparently his numerous attackers at least partially understood discretion. Other than the marks on his cheeks, there were few scars on his face or neck), painfully thin forearms and heavily outlined ribs, along with a sunken but still noticeably bloated stomach (the blonde blamed this on the extra intake of rice this month, not his weak, failing organs) gave the teen plenty of reasons to hate looking at himself.

And so, after a moment of disgusted inspecting, Naruto turned away and hastily started the shower, swallowing thickly around the sick feeling at the back of his throat as he stepped under the spray of water.

Almost immediately the tension left his thin shoulders and the small ninja sighed in relief, his eyes slipping closed as he took a moment to simply enjoy the warmth his body always seemed to lack before he continued getting ready.

As he showered, and then consecutively dressed and readied himself, Naruto wondered where his teammates might be. He'd prefer to catch Kakashi to apologize, but he knew that unless the jounin wanted to be found, he'd stay missing. So that left Sasuke and Sakura. The blonde knew if he ran into Sakura, instead of apologizing he'd get to spend several hours being beaten and yelled at, but he also knew she'd be much easier to find. Unlike Sasuke, the pinkette spent her free time with her many friends, always doing something or other. And how hard could it be to find a group of teenagers hanging out?

The blonde was still worrying over this as he headed for his apartment door, but instead of just stepping out he stopped as he neared the exit, hands clenching into fists at his side and neck muscles tightening. He was wearing his usual outfit now, his 'costume' (there was a reason he had chosen such an obnoxious colour, after all), and that meant donning his usual character. It took him longer than normal, a fact that would have worried him if his thoughts weren't so preoccupied, but finally the bright, carefree smile was in place, his eyes squinted and therefore hidden, his steps loose and his gait wide as he stepped through the door and continued out onto the street. The only testament to his discomfort the tense muscles in his neck.

Naruto spent the better part of three hours trying to find either Sakura or Sasuke. He'd even spent awhile searching for Kakashi, useless as it was. Not only had he not come across any of his teammates, but he still had no idea where to look. He'd searched every training ground, the market place, the Hokage's tower. He'd even sneaked through the old Uchiha compound, guilty as that made him, to see if Sasuke was haunting his old residence. No luck.

On top of that, he'd almost been attacked – twice. Being attacked in and of itself was nothing new, it was that the attack attempts had happened during the day. Most people either ignored him or gave him dirty looks when the sun was in the sky. It wasn't until darkness fell that the population grew braver, and therefore crueler in their punishments to him.

Still, Naruto knew that regardless of the witnesses a day-time attack would surely draw, he would find no help in the walls of Kohona. For a brief second, the blond entertained the idea of one of his teammates (or maybe all three of them!) showing up during one of his many beatings and being outraged at what they saw. Getting angry for him, disrupting the crowd to make sure he was alright.

He shook the thought away. Even if one of them did happen to stumble upon an attack (and even care. Naruto was pretty certain they'd simply turn away, unwilling to waste their time on something so trivial), the teen wouldn't want them risking themselves for him.

"Watch it, you freak," a passing citizen growled as the two collided, and Naruto grunted as he twisted to the side, quickly side-stepping the heavily muscled man as he rubbed his now sore shoulder, eyes purposefully glued to the ground. He heard the stranger snort behind him, but the blonde didn't stop, didn't let the smile fall from his lips, didn't let anyone see the surprised, nervous flinch before darting away.

His train of thought now completely ruined, the teen focused yet again on trying to find his elusive team. What could they be doing on a Thursday that kept them so thoroughly well hidden Naruto couldn't even sense their chakra?

"-Ruto! Naruto!" came the call from behind him, and the blonde blinked before turning around, searching for the caller. When he noticed Iruka running towards him, Naruto's smile turned genuine, and he lifted a hand in greeting.

"Iruka-sensei!" He screamed back, diligently ignoring the hateful stares he received for speaking out as he waited for the older man to reach him.

"How are you, Naruto?" the school teacher asked between heavy breaths as he stopped beside the boy, placing a hand on the teen's shoulder to lean over as he caught his breath.

"Awesome as always, Iruka-sensei! Just looking for Sasuke-teme or Sakura-chan! What're you doing?" as he spoke, the two started walking, unconsciously heading towards Ichiraku's as they wove through the crowd.

"Oh, the usual. Some rowdy children skipped classes today, so I just finished speaking to their parents. Are you hungry? You still don't seem to be eating enough." Iruka had removed his hand from Naruto's shoulder, but he was frowning as he looked down at his previous student. The teen had felt much too thin.

"I'm always hungry! You know that!" the blonde laughed, a loud, rambunctious sound as he skipped ahead a few feet, away from his sensei's grasping fingers. "Wanna go to Ichiraku's? Your treat, yeah?" Iruka couldn't help but laugh along with Naruto, shaking his head even as he agreed.

"It's amazing how often I pay for your meals, Naruto! Don't you save your mission earnings?" Naruto ignored the condescending tone in the older man's voice, ignored how the teacher obviously considered him slightly stupid, ignored how badly he wanted to spit out how much he hated gorging himself on a meal he would otherwise consider enjoyable, and simply laughed.

"Why would I do that when I got you to pay for me?" the blonde asked as they arrived at the ramen stand and each took a seat, Iruka nodding politely at the owner and Naruto waving cheerfully as they got comfortable.

"I still have no idea how you manage to eat all that food and weigh what you do." Iruka commented, raising an eyebrow and noticeably eyeing the young male beside him. The teen had to bite his tongue as he stared blankly ahead, momentarily lost in a memory.

He had been eight, nine years old when Iruka had first offered to buy him lunch, and Naruto had been so happy to spend time with someone, so happy at the prospect of the first proper meal in weeks that he had eaten several bowls, ignoring the ache in his stomach, thinking only of feasting to hold him off until his next meal. The brunette had been amazed at the amount of food eaten, but the young boy at the time had left feeling sick and had promptly emptied his stomach of his entire meal. The blonde had sworn right then that no matter how hungry, he'd never eat that much again.

Until Iruka had opened his big mouth and spread around town just how deep Naruto's stomach seemed to be. Then the boy had been stuck, unwilling to upset his sensei about what had happened (he'd been so guilty for weeks over wasting Iruka's money like that). And so had been the start of his apparently never ending hunger. Now, whenever he went out, whenever he was tempted to order one bowl and be done with it, he thought of Iruka and the disappointed look he was sure to have, and the blonde would cave, forcing more food than his body could handle into himself just to keep up appearances.

"Jealous, sensei?" the teen asked as he came back to himself, grinning over at Iruka as a steaming bowl of ramen was set in front of him. It was quickly devoured. Naruto knew from past experiences that the faster he ate, the less gorging himself hurt. It was when the food started to digest that forcing himself to continue eating became almost unbearable.

Several bowls later, and a much emptier wallet in Iruka's case found the two outside the stand, waving good-bye. The blonde already felt sick, sweat dripping down his back and his throat thick with the need to relieve himself, but he forced his feet to turn and start casually ambling down the street, turning down random side alleys until he was completely lost but completely alone. Then, with a groan that sounded way too much like someone dying, Naruto fell against one of the walls, the bricks digging into his skin through his clothes as he leaned over and heaved, his entire body convulsing.

Almost immediately half-eaten food burst past his lips to stain the concrete below him, and the taste was just as salty coming up as it was going down. The teen had tears streaming down his face, not only because of the pain but also because of the guilt, eating slowly away at him, taking more and more every time this happened. And yet he couldn't stop; noodles and beef and egg, all partly chewed and still resembling their original mass and colouring climbed up his throat and jumped past his lips, as if even the food was unwilling to be a part of him, someone so obviously used and broken.

What felt like hours but was probably only moments later found Naruto kneeling on the ground in front of his lunch, throat parched and burning, his stomach churning unpleasantly as he spit the last little bit from his mouth. His arms were wrapped painfully around his torso, as if to contain the ache held there, and the blonde groaned again, his head leaning to heavily hit the wall beside him as his eyes slid closed. He'd have to avoid Iruka for a few days now – there was no way he'd be able to look the man in the eye after this.

His body was just beginning to calm down when the teen heard the shout at the end of the alley. Eyes darting open in fright, Naruto spun around, breath caught in his throat. There was the man from earlier, along with what seemed to be two of his friends, and the teen's heart tried to force itself out of his ribcage when he realized they were heading towards him, their intentions obvious in their eyes.

Immediately he turned and sped away, breathing ragged as he darted through alley after alley, refusing to stop or slow down as he took precarious corners, hoping to find somewhere safe. The last thing he needed was to spend the rest of his day sore and bloody, waiting to heal. Hell, he was still sore from his last beating.

"Naruto!" For a moment, the youth thought his assailants had caught up, and he spun around hastily to try and pinpoint their location – to know where he had to be running from. But it was only Kakashi above him, sitting languidly on a rooftop, and Naruto tried to hide the fear in his eyes as he quickly threw on a smile, scratching the back of his head as he waved and nervously chuckled.

"Kaka-sensei! I was just looking for you!" He knew by the momentary narrowing of one eye that the silver haired jounin had noticed something off about the young teen. Naruto just hoped that something was small enough to not be of importance.

"Really? That's nice. Actually, I was told to find you as well. The Hokage wants to see us." Apparently it was, since Kakashi didn't mention it.

"What's Jiji want? I thought we weren't to be scheduled another mission until Monday?" out of the corner of his eye, Naruto noticed the three men turn around the corner, and although he made no motion to acknowledge them, his shoulders tightened and his smile turned brittle.

Kakashi noticed. "Naruto, did you prank the citizens again?" He asked, sighing as he waved an apology over to the men. The blonde's eye twitched, and his jaw clenched momentarily, but then he was laughing as he slammed his eyes shut (after all, the jounin was good at reading people, and the teen couldn't be sure he managed to completely reign in his irritation at the comment) and he once again scratched at his head.

"Mah, Kaka-sensei! I swear it wasn't me this time!" The next sigh was so loud Naruto was positive it wasn't a sigh so much as a deep exhalation of breath containing all the disappointment Kakashi seemed to have just for him.

"Just make sure you apologize later, Naruto. Now come on, the Hokage wanted us there hours ago." The three men were already turning away, although the teen knew that they'd be waiting to finish the job as soon as they could.

"Hours?"

Naruto jumped onto another rooftop, easily following Kakashi through the village towards the tower looming over them. The blonde knew he should be talking, should be laughing and carrying on, but he had an awful taste in his mouth and his throat was still burning from the stomach acid, so he stayed silent, for once glad that the silver haired teacher rarely paid attention to him.

The teen again wondered why the Old Man was calling him. Since the jounin was there as well, Naruto assumed it had something to do with their team – but like he'd said to Kakashi, they weren't even scheduled to be scheduled another mission. So what was going on? Was he going to be reprimanded for missing practice today? It seemed highly unlikely that his sensei would go to the Hokage for something as seemingly trivial as that (although Naruto would understand. He, of course, felt like he'd done something terrible).

But what else? Maybe Sarutobi simply wanted to talk about their previous mission? Or possibly about the chuunin exams(1) – it'd only been a few weeks since those, and a lot had happened during that time.

The blonde nodded to himself as he came to this conclusion, ignoring the funny look Kakashi sent him for it. Yes, that had to be the reason. Old Man wanted to talk about Gaara and the weird snake man – Orochi-something or other? - and Naruto's group had been thoroughly involved with both. Hell, Sasuke had the mark to prove it.

Still, why couldn't it wait until monday? Shaking his head, the youth shrugged to himself, leaping to yet another rooftop. Whatever, it's not like he had anything else to do today. Besides, of course, finding his teammates to apologize. This would actually make his life easier.

"You okay, Naruto?" the teen twitched in surprise at the comment before looking wide-eyed at Kakashi. "You're shaking your head an awful lot." Naruto could have hit himself. Of course he had been caught doing something so totally not normal.

"Sorry, sensei! I'm thinking about ramen and all the different kinds, and what I should have for dinner tonight!" ignoring the fact that the blonde doubted he'd be going anywhere near Ichiraku's for the next few days, he didn't have enough money to do so even if he wanted. Kakashi didn't need to know that.

"Ah. Carry on then." And the jounin turned away, an exasperated quirk to his brow as the two reached the Hokage's tower and leaped towards one of the open windows.

Naruto made a face at the older man's back before he, too, jumped in through the window, only to come face to face with the Old Man himself.

"Jiji!" he cried out, grin firmly back in place as he flew through the air to land in front of the desk, one hand up in the air as a greeting. "What's up?" Sakura, standing to the right of him, seemed almost livid at his blatant disrespect. Naruto laughed nervously in her direction. Now he'd get hit for twice as many reasons.

"I'll assume Kakashi is late for the usual reasons, but why did it take you so long to get here, Naruto?" Sarutobi's voice was dry and irritated, and the pipe wedged in between his lips quivered as he spoke. The blonde only laughed in response, shrugging his shoulders and purposefully ignoring the silver haired jounin. "Well, no matter. But please, do try not to follow in your sensei's footsteps. It's bad enough dealing with one late-comer on a regular basis. We don't need to make that two.

"I didn't call you here to lecture you, however. There's a situation -"

"Where's Sasuke-teme? Isn't this a Team Seven meeting?" Naruto grunted as Sakura's fist came down on the top of his head, and he grimaced as he rubbed at the tender spot.

"Don't cut off the Hokage, you moron!" she reprimanded, before turning to bow apologetically to Sarutobi. The Old Man simply smiled placatingly and continued.

"That's actually why you three were called here. Sasuke's missing." The silence that followed the Hokage's announcement was even worse than it had been that morning.

(1) – Just want to point this out here. In the actual Narutoverse, I know that Sarutobi dies fighting Orochimaru during the chuunin exam arc – I didn't like that. Well, I didn't really care one way or another, but he sort of forced himself into this story, so he's still here! Yay! Tsunade might also make an appearance, regardless of the fact she's now not technically needed. So hey! Twisting stories to make them your own = awesome!

AN/ So! Chapter one completed! I told you it starts off really slow! The second chapter (which I already have planned) is another slow building one, more backplot and angst and shit. The third chapter (which I also have planned) is when it starts getting good! So don't be too harsh yet, okay?

Also! Reviews/comments are appreciated, as always! Give me your opinions! Is Naruto too self-depreciating, or not enough? What did you think of other characters?

~ VANiix