I DID NOT WRITE THIS! My friend Audrey did and she didn't want to make an account but I thought this deserved to be shared because it is good.

So here you go :)

Godammit Katniss! Why does she do this to me? It's one thing to have to watch your best friend go and fight to the death. It's another to know you could have saved her. And it's an entirely different thing to watch her love someone else. But it all falls into the same category doesn't it? Ways to torture me. Ways to make me suffer. And they've all been doing a pretty good job with that lately.

It kills me. I could have saved her. I could have stopped it. But I didn't, did I? And now I have to sit by and watch the person I love most get herself killed. And no, no, she can't just die. She has to drag it out and live and make me suffer even more.

Do you even know this burden I have to live with? No, no one could ever know, because they would have gone in there with her. I could have saved her. I could have saved her...

You know, on the first day of the games, the huge opening of them, do you know why I went and sat in the field? Because I knew she would die. The minute I saw Prim's name pulled, I knew exactly what would happen. And I was right. And I could have volunteered to take Peeta's place, and I could be the one with her right now, protecting her and keeping her safe. But instead, I'm slowly waiting for her death. I sat in the field that day because I thought she would die at the Cornicopia. And what better way to avoid it than to sit alone in the place we were together last. Well, it's not really the place we were together last. It was actually the Justice building, but that place could never hold comforting memories. Not now, not ever. And that last day, I never got to say what I most wanted to tell her. All I told her was that she was strong, she would make it, but we both knew that was a lie. How could she ever make it when people have been training their whole lives for this? But we did it so we would never have to say goodbye. Because she could never really leave me. I will never say goodbye to her. As long as I live, I will never utter those words to Katniss Everdeen. And the words I did want to say, they never came out. I was just about to tell her, I was in the middle of them. Then the peacekeeper pulled me out and she was gone. That's the last time I ever saw her. And ever will see her. But I always think of her in the field, next to me...

We could have gone that day. We could have left. Never come back. Never would have had to live through this pain. But no, we stayed. We stayed because it was the right thing to do. And God knows Katniss would never leave Prim. Not for me, not for anyone. But if we had left, think of how happy we could be, together... And that is really all I want. To be together. I remember the last time we were truly together. In the Meadow, the sun shining on her hair, happy, smiling for once. I never did ever get to tell her just how beautiful she was. the way she scowled all the time... so fierce, but full of beauty. And her braid, her braid... so simple and effortless, the way it flowed down her back... Sometimes I would look for it at school just to make sure she was there, safe and happy...

I imagine her sometimes. I try not to. It just makes me feel even worse. But sometimes, I feel her with me. In my arms. Lying there, safe and happy. The only things I ever wanted for her because she truly never got to experience them. But in those times, we are together. And I want nothing more than that! Honestly! Nothing more! I just want to feel her one more time, to see her in flesh, to be near her, to be able to protect her...

What I wouldn't give for one more day in the Meadow. Just one more day. One day to be together, to being seeing the same things, smelling the same smells, to be walking on the same ground... But that will never happen. Not now, not with where we are in life. I am here, she is there. I could be there. I could be there, right next to her. But instead I am watching, waiting for her to die. Do you know how painful that is? I have to watch the one I love, slowly, walking to her own death. And I can't do anything! Anything! And no, she can't just be the one to die. She can't just die a quick painful death. She has to be the one to drag it out, to make me wait, living every day with this horror looming over my head. And now she's left with the people who are meant to win. And we all know how this is going to end. She's going to die. And now, not only will she die, but she'll die taking care of stupid Peeta. I could be there. I could be him. And she wouldn't have to take care of me. I could be hunting with her. I could be protecting her. I mean eventually, one of us would have had to die, but I would have been okay with that. Because it would have been me. But I'm not okay with this. Not with this fake romance stuff. Everyone thinks its real, but I know Katniss. I can see it in her eyes. She doesn't love this poor fool. But then again, did she ever really love anyone? Anyone but Prim, I mean. Maybe she does love him, maybe she really does...

But if I think that way, it might just kill me. Watching him hold her, kiss her, do all the things I never got to do with her, it just kills me. And maybe that's why I can't stand it. Maybe it's because I'm nothing more than a jealous bastard. I just, he doesn't know her! Not the way I do! He doesn't deserve her! And that's why I sit in the meadow all the time, when I'm meant to be watching the Games. More than just because I don't want to see her die. I think I might almost be relieved if she did, because then I would know it was done. And who knows, I'm not completely against eating the wrong berry... it would end just like that. Then we could really be together again. But I sit in the meadow because I can't stand to see her with him. The way he loves her, I know he does... he might just pull her in. I never know what to expect with her. I wouldn't put it below her. She just might fall in love with the bread boy, the one who doesn't know her the way I do...

I just don't know. My life has become so muddled, I wouldn't be surprised if the Capitol blew us up tomorrow. Then the end would be fast. And painless. Doesn't everyone want that? May the odds be ever in your favor. When are they ever? Obviously not now, never... I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. All I know is I could be there now, I could be protecting the girl I love most.

But I'm not.

Will I ever?