Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
I didn't invent "the princess and the pea" either…
A/N: This is an answer to Practical Magic's Princess & The Pea Challenge for Harry Potter. I used HC Andersens version of the tale, but I doubt that it's recognisable anymore. Warnings ahead for alternative universes, boys doing naughty things to boys and probably a bit OOC-ness. Rated R for bad language and mentions of sex. More notes in the end. *The Princess and the pea*Once upon a time there was a prince, who wanted to get married. Unfortunately he had very high standards; it had to be a real princess, and since the king and queen was a bit old fashioned it had to be a pureblood. His parents introduced him to many a pureblood girl, but the prince could always find faults in them, they weren't real princesses for starters… After many months of unsuccessful matchmaking the king and queen got tired of their picky son and sent him off to find a bride he could tolerate. The prince travelled round the world to find a suitable girl, but wherever he went there was something that wasn't right. There where plenty of royal families, and plenty of pureblood ones, but there was always something wrong with the so called princesses. He could always find some small fault. One had knobbly knees, one had a muggle mother, yet another wasn't even of royal family, and countless princesses were plain ugly. Eventually he had to give up and turn back home, and he was very sad, because he really, really wanted a pureblood princess to marry.
The prince returned to his country and his parents' castle and life went on as usual until one night in early February. A storm had blown in from the sea during the day and by nightfall the rain poured down heavily. The weather went from bad to worse, and soon it was a full-blown thunderstorm. The wind howled and rattled the painted windows of the castle, and lightning-bolts criss-crossed the clouded sky. Late that night someone pounded on the front gate of the royal castle. The old king – who had a bit of a sleeping disorder – opened the door. Outside stood the most miserable creature you could imagine, half-drenched from the rain, with robes ragged and torn, and a most inappropriate fleck of dirt on the nose. And yet the person claimed to be not only a pureblood, but also of royal family.
"We'll see about that…" thought the old queen, who always slept very lightly and had been waked by the noise. She told her husband to question their guest since he had always kept careful record of all pureblood-families still alive and sent a house-elf after some warm blankets. She herself went to prepare one of the guest bedrooms. She removed all the bedclothes and put a small pea in the bottom of the bed before covering it with 40 comfortable mattresses and then making the bed as usual with the finest bed linen. The house elves where then left to find a suitable night-gown and also a ladder so that the guest could get into the bed without further adventures.
The queen came back to find the king and his guest in a thorough questioning about distant cousins and magical relatives. Since she figured they ought to have all the information they needed by now she rescued the poor thing from the kings fierce questioning and let another house-elf show the way to the bedroom.
"Well?" she asked the king as they where alone again. He grinned.
"Pureblood!" he cried happily, "at least ten generations pure magical blood, and we don't even seem to be related."
"That's excellent news!" the queen chirped. "I can't wait until we tell Prince Draco."
"What is it that can't wait?" a sleepy voice asked. The person talking was a young man with beautiful but currently rather messy blond hair. He was wearing only a black silk-bathrobe with the royal crest embroidered on the pocket and he looked almost like he was still asleep.
"We have a surprise for you my son." the old king said and smiled.
"A young pureblood came here late tonight to seek shelter for the storm." the old queen beamed. At this the sleepy young man perked up and forced open his sleep-swollen eyes a tiny bit.
"A real pureblood?" asked Prince Draco hopefully.
"We believe so my boy," the old king said proudly, "I questioned him myself."
"Now all we need to do is find out if it's pure royal blood." the queen said.
"I really…" the prince said and yawned, "I really hope it's a real princess this time."
"There, there," the queen cooed and hugged him, "we're not really sure yet. We can only hope that he pass the test."
"So… Where is this…" he yawned again, "…this princess?"
"I made the bed in the second guest-room for him," the queen said proudly.
"Now let's get some sleep," the old king muttered "you'll se her, I mean him, in the morning."
"Good night Draco." the queen said and watched her son slowly make his way back to his room.
"My big boy." she sniffled and dabbed the corners of her eyes with an embroidered napkin, "He has grown so much." The king put his arm around the queen and looked thoughtfully down the corridor where their son had disappeared.
"Maybe we should have told him that the… That she's a he?" the king said.
"Oh but we did," the queen said light-heartedly, "we sure mentioned it anyway, he can't blame us for not listening. He'll find out in the morning anyway."
"I guess you're right." the king said and started to escort his wife to their bedroom.
"And I don't think he will mind anyway," the queen said, "not after the incident with that farm-boy, and he wasn't even a pureblood!"
"Please!" groaned the king "Don't remind me."
----
Soon the castle was quiet except for the queens' snores, but Prince Draco couldn't get any rest. Something was nagging at his sleepy brain, something about the princess, it felt like it had been something important. He tried to replay the conversation in his head but he couldn't remember exactly what had been said. Soon he was wide-awake and unable to think about anything else but the princess.
"Ah sod it!" the prince growled and crawled out of bed again. He put on his bathrobe, slipped his feet in his bunny-slippers and sneaked out. Soon he stood outside the guest-bedroom hesitating with the hand on the doorknob. It felt a bit wrong to sneak into a lady's bedroom at two o'clock in the morning, but he hadn't let thoughts like those stop him in the past, so why should he start listening to his conscience now?
The prince quietly opened the door and tiptoed inside, trying not to make any noise. He could hear another person breathe in the room, sighing heavily and turning in the bed every so often. She didn't seem to sleep very well. Not even the sound of the rain against the windows could disguise the obvious sounds of discomfort. The windows had no blinds or curtains so he waited a couple of minutes for his eyes to adjust to the little light that the cloudy night offered. That huge black shadow in the middle of the room had to be the bed. It appeared to be much bigger that the other four-posters in the castle, but that could be a trick of the eyes in this dark room. He walked slowly towards the bed with the vague intention to watch the sleeping princess for a while, but his plan proved to be totally useless since the bed was absurdly tall. He couldn't look over the edge even if he was standing on the tips of his toes. Damn his mother, he bet she had done this just so he couldn't get to the girl before the possible marriage. Prince Draco felt offended by his mother lack of trust, what did she think, that he was going to sneak in and ravish the poor girl? The difficulties only encouraged him more, if his mother had ordered all this to be done he was definitively not going anywhere until he had got at least a tiny glimpse of the princess! He tried to jump up and get a quick look, but the only thing he managed to do was to bump into something and make enough noise to wake the dead.
"Wha… who's there?" a nervous voice stammered. The prince cursed under his breath and tried to stay absolutely still. He closed his eyes and hoped the princess would think that whatever had made that noise was gone now.
"I… I can hear you breathing." the voice squeaked, "Who is this?" The prince cursed some more but decided to reveal his presence as the princess already knew someone was in the room and surely would hear him if he tried to escape.
"It's me" he said "The prince."
"Oh," the voice said, "What are you doing here, trying to sneak a peak are you?"
"Uh… Well… Actually…" the prince stammered before realising something, that had definitely not sounded like a girl, or a woman, or anything vaguely female. It seemed a bit rude to ask, but…
"May I ask you a question?" he finally blurted.
"Sure"
So he asked the question he had itched to ask ever since he got in there.
"How on earth did you get up there?"
"Oh," the voice chuckled "There ought to be a ladder somewhere down there, I believe you smashed into it earlier..."
"Ah…"
"Something else you wanted to know?"
The prince hesitated for a moment. "I'm coming up." he said before busying himself with the task climb up the ridiculously tall bed. He found the ladder after some groping in the dark and started to rise it against the bed.
"There's something you ought to know…" the voice above him said nervously.
"Uh-huh?" the prince said and cursed silently as the ladder fell, knocking him in the head on the way down.
"You probably knew already but…" Prince Draco got the ladder up against the bed more securely, started to climb, "…I'm a male." and promptly fell down with a loud crash.
"Excuse me?" he said weakly.
"I'm a man!" the voice cried. "A bloke, a chap, a guy, a boy, not a girl…"
"Okay, okay!" the prince shouted, "I understand what you're saying. It came as a bit of a chock that's all."
"Oh…"
Prince Draco chewed his lower lip and pondered this new aspect of the matter for a while. He was positively sure he was in the right bedroom, since he had checked all the others on the way here. This was indeed "the princess". What now?
"Oh bugger it all" he growled "I'm coming up anyway."
As he finally reached the top and crawled up in the bed the other man had managed to find the bedside lamp and light it. The so-called princess sat up in the bed and had pulled the covers up to his chin, clutching the blankets as if his life depended on it. The tiny lamp hanging from the ceiling cast odd shadows in the room and illuminated the mans red hair, giving it a coppery shine. He looked positively frightened.
"Oh come on, I'm not going to ravish you. I was expecting a princess you know…" the prince snapped harshly, before continuing in a somewhat gentler tone "I hope I didn't wake you up."
The redhead shook his head.
"Um… No. I couldn't sleep actually. I think there's something under the mattress. Feels like trying to sleep with a rock in the bed."
"I can't feel anything" the prince said and tested the bounciness of the mattresses. "But I'll beat up the house elves for you in the morning." he offered.
"Uh... No thanks, no need for that." the redhead said nervously and twisted the blanket between his fingers.
The prince crept closer and sat down next to the redhead leaning against the headboard. He took a good long look at the other man.
'Wait a minute', the prince thought, he could have recognised that red hair anywhere. Ronald Weasley, annoying violent git. 'Royal? My ass…' The other man cringed under the Princes disgusted glare.
"Um.. Nice to meet…" the redhead tried.
"You?" the prince snarled "Didn't we use to go to the same school?"
"Uh… yeah. I'm Ron, and you're Draco, right?"
"PRINCE Draco!" screamed Prince Draco.
"Oh.. okay, Prince Draco, whatever. I guess I'm supposed to be Princess Ron then." said the other man with a lopsided grin.
"You can't be a princess!" the prince roared.
"And why not?" asked Ron and crossed his arms.
"Well you're a boy for starters." Prince Draco yelled.
"That doesn't stop you from being a fucking queen!"
"What do you mean?" the prince said and narrowed his eyes dangerously.
"Oh come on!" sighed Ron "You flick your hair all the time, you actually have fashion sense, you used to check out the other boys at school in the shower… Need I continue? You are so obviously gay. And why else would you set up impossible guidelines for your future wife? A pureblood I can understand, but a pureblood and a real princess. And a good looking one too? Come on, we both know that most pureblood girls are uglier than trolls."
"I'm not queer!" screamed Prince Draco in falsetto.
"Yeah right…" Ron yawned and started to pull his night-gown over his head, "Is it hot in here or what?
"I like girls," Draco whined, "I just have high standards! I can't help…"
Then his eyes fell on Rons bare chest and every conscious thought fled from his head. The flickering light from the lamp made the muscles on Rons chest and stomach stand out in relief. Prince Draco stared, and stared, and stared until he finally realised what he was doing.
"Like what you see?" Ron asked coyly.
"I'm not queer!!!" the prince yelled and desperately tried to get away from both the other man and his own unwelcome thoughts. Unfortunately his thoughts seemed to be locked in 'Bad X-rated-mode' and the bed was too soft and squishy for him to get anywhere anytime soon, he was stuck.
"I'm not queer…" he whimpered and pounded his fists into the mattress debating with himself whether he should try and jump down from the bed and risk a fracture, or stay and risk something much worse. He didn't trust himself right now.
"Oh just shut up" the 'princess' said, grabbed his prince by the shoulders and kissed him hard.
----
In the morning the queen asked her guest how he had slept. Ron looked rather sheepish and blushed as he answered.
"Um… not very good actually."
"Oh… How come?" the king asked innocently and pulled out a chair for him. Ron winced as he sat down and the queen kindly offered him a soft pillow to sit on.
"Eh…"
"Take off your skirt." the queen demanded and Ron shyly removed the clothing on his upper body. His pale skin was covered with fresh bruises. (Some of them oddly similar to bite-marks) The old queen squealed with delight. Only someone a real princess could have such delicate skin that he could actually feel and get bruises from a single pea through 40 mattresses. Surprisingly not even Prince Draco had any complaints about the accuracy of the test. The prince had found his "princess" at last!
Prince Draco and Princess Ron married the very next day. Everyone agreed that it was a very romantic wedding. Truth to be told the "bride" wasn't technically a virgin anymore but no one really asked and the groom didn't seem to mind. When the old king retired Draco was made king and he and his beautiful queen lived happily ever after except for the occasional fighting and steaming hot make-up sex.
The pea ended up in a museum and you can go see it yourself if someone hasn't stolen it…
The end!
A/N: This story is dedicated to the ever-growing crew on the SS Prince and Pauper. I can't write smut so you'll have to imagine all the naughtiness on the tall bed…
In this universe both Draco and Ron come from royal pureblood families and they went to school together. If you didn't guess, Ron actually passed the princess-test, even if I believe Prince Draco was responsible for the sore bottom and much of the bruising. :)