What Mickey's letter really said

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, Tesuya Nomura would be held at gunpoint and forced to start making KH3

I wanted to tell you right away,

About memories from the past that sleep within you,

And about the pieces that will tie you to your-

You know what! SCREW THIS! We go through this every time! It's like, "Oh, Sora, the worlds are in trouble! We need your help! Oh, please save us, hero of the Keyblade! You're so handsome and cute, and way too good for that Kairi chick!"

Yes, that last part is true, BTW. As unbelievable as it sounds, you've got a fan base across the universe. Women want you (though I still don't quite understand how that works, considering how much you pass off for a woman yourself), and men want to be you. You're like the James Bond of this universe, only much less charming. But that doesn't matter, Sora. You know why? Because you're cheap, you don't sleep with our maidens every chance you get, and you're very easy to trick into doing just about anything.

But ignore all the small talk, kid. Thing is, I rely on you! Whenever there's a crisis going on in the worlds, the only person in my Top 5 I can even consider calling is you! YOU, Sora! But you're not actually IN my Top 5! Y'know why, Sora? Because you live in a goddamn shack in a goddamn island with no goddamn electricity! You know what ends up happening as a consequence of that? I end up having to write a complicated letter that only ends up vaguely expressing the problem at hand using cryptic language and cheesy save-the-world mumbo jumbo! But what's the point? The last time I tried that, Donald and Goofy, the idiots that they are, ended up following your darkness-crazed friend Riku after he stole the Keyblade from you. And why? All because I specifically told them in a letter to "follow the one who bears the Key". If those two had any brains, they would have realized that meant to follow you and ONLY you. When I told them to "follow the Key", I - the idiot that I was- naturally assumed that meant the "key that connects everything" or the "key to the future" or some other metaphorical meaning of a key. I mean, they already knew that Riku was evil at the time! Why stick with him? Why didn't they just use their own common sense and stick with you, given the fact that you were now powerless, without a weapon, and still a loser boy/virgin. I swear, one of these days, there's going to be an official banishment/execution letter with their names on it.

So I'm not going to do that this time. Taking your brainpower and understanding into consideration, I am going to explain to you everything I have learned in these past few days that pertains to your next quest:

There are three loser Keybladers who all need you to save them from some horrible fate that they were too stupid to prevent themselves. One of them is an angst ridden version of Riku who lost his body to a perverted creeper who would one day become Xehanort, the same guy who is the cause of all our problems today. Another is trapped in the Realm of Darkness by sacrificing herself to save the aforementioned angst ridden Riku clone, the idiot that she was. The last one is some other loser boy/virgin who you've never met in person, but who used your heart as a child to heal his own heart, which was broken by said perverted creeper. Now his heart is inside your body as a result of beating up his dark half who looked like an evil version of you.

You need to save these losers, stop the perverted loser who became Xehanort, and finally get laid with Kairi. Do that for me, and I'll promise to follow you on Twitter. Provided you have internet. If not, then get yourself an owl, teach yourself to write like the straight version of Oscar Wilde, and good life to ya.

Help me, Sora [insert last name here]. Youre my only hope.

(Until chuck Norris finally responds to my friend request on Facebook)

P.S. tell Riku i said hello. And tell him to take his shirt back.

Sora, Riku and Kairi all stared at each other. Or, more specifically, Sora and Kairi were glaring angrily at Riku, and Riku was doing his best to avoid eye contact with them.

Kairi stomped her foot repeatedly and placed a hand on her hip. "Got something to say, Riku?"

Riku gulped. Making an excuse, he pointed behind his friends. "Look, it's some guy handing out Adele tickets and dirty bedpans signed by Justin Bieber!"

"WHERE?" Sora jerked and looked in the direction Riku was pointing at, but Kairi kept looking at Riku. "nice try, you little-"

But Riku was already gone, bolting back into his house, running up to his room, locking himself in his closet, crying like a baby.

The height of manly toughness. Riku.

Kairi stared at Sora, then back at the letter. Hoping to break the silence, and alleviate her friends/future love slave's feelings of shock and self-pity, she held his shoulder and told him, "I never knew he was capable of such strong words."

Sora shook his head in agreement and replied, "I never knew he was capable of fitting so many words into a single piece of paper without running out of room."

Kairi could sense the sadness in his voice when he spoke. Leaning down, she kissed him on the cheek. "for what it's worth, you're not a loser boy/virgin. You're my love slave, forever and ever."

"Thanks." Sora smiled. However, he soon realized what Kairi had actually said. "WHAT?"

Kairi's eyes widened when she noticed her slip of tongue. Blushing a deep red, she corrected herself. "I'm sorry! That's not what I meant! I meant 'friend'! You're my 'friend', forever and ever!" Kairi clasped her hands together, hoping Sora would be stupid enough to fall for her poorly constructed save.

He must have been, for it worked. Okay!" But Sora soon returned to his brooding, depressed state of mind. Looking in the distance, he reflected. "Thanks for trying Kairi, but it would take a miracle to cheer me up now."

Kairi sat down next to her longtime crush and held his hand. "Mickey doesn't hate you. He just has a lot on his mind..."

Staring at the beautiful, setting sun, Sora made a rare insightful remark about himself. "it's like a piece of me died inside..."

Elsewhere, in Sora's mind

"NOOO! How can he say such hurtful things about Sora! It's like he's insulting me in a way! I'm a monster! I can't live with this!" Putting the Keyblade to his chest, Roxas stabbed himself in the place where his heart should have been. Blood oozing out of his wound, he was dead within seconds, his body soon vanishing from existence.

"No, Roxas!" Xion watched her friend/lover/clone commit suicide. Unable to live (if one could call existing inside the mind of a loser boy/virgin with no true identity of their own living) with this sudden turn of events, she summoned her own keyblade and stabbed herself in the stomach. She died much slower than her friend(or whatever the hell Roxas was to her) did, but only by about 30 seconds. When the life finally left her eyes, and her body vanished from existence, it was Ventus who came into the fray.

"What the...". Both Roxas and Xion were dead, and all that was left behind was a seashell that in the shape of Selena Gomez's nose, and a Popsicle stick with the words "SoRiku shipping" on it.

"Oh no, they're dead. I'm alone again! What do I do now? What?"

2 minutes later

Ventus was dancing like a frat boy to songs by Jesse McCartney and Hannah Montana playing on a tv that appeared out of nowhere. He was chugging down ice cream with one hand, and shaking his fist in the air with the other. The entire time, his eyes were rolling around like a crazy person, and his legs wouldn't stop shaking to those loud, obnoxious beats that caused most teenage girls and boys to go crazy and commit murder over...

Back in the real world

Sora gulped, and shuddered with discomfort. "Make that three parts of me that have died inside..."

Kairi, clearly freaked out, shifted away from Sora a bit and removed her hand from his. "Okay..."

The End... for now