A/N: This fic continues the story of Kaidan and my renegade Stella Shepard from the one-shot "Step Inside Love", and it'll stray from canon at some points. I'm giving Shep and Kaidan over six months together before she dies, not one. And, there will be a post-ME2/pre-ME3 reunion.

English is not my first language and I don't have a beta for this fic yet. If you're willing to help me with this, let me know. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Disclaimer: If I owned Mass Effect I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me.

(Lennon/McCartney)

Chapter 1 – Pools of Sorrow

Kaidan had already given orders for the surviving marines to scan the area, set up a distress beacon, make a list of the crewmembers who hadn't yet been accounted for, triage the wounded, protect the perimeter and set up camp. All he had to do now was to wait for the last escape pod to arrive — the one that would be bringing Shepard and Joker to the relative safety of Alchera's surface.

He saw it landing minutes later, a bit far from the others. It worried him that the landing had been a bit too rough. Hadn't Joker taken control of his pod to make it land more smoothly? Kaidan knew how much the Normandy's helmsman avoided using the auto-pilot as much as possible. Maybe… God, was it possible that Joker hadn't made it? That Shepard had failed to save him? No. Shepard was unstoppable, infallible, unerring. Perhaps Joker had suffered some kind of injury, maybe had a few broken bones or something. Yeah, that was probably it.

Kaidan was a hundred meters from the pod when he saw its door opening. No one climbed out of it, which made him feel uneasy, so he sprinted towards it with Liara on his heels. When he looked inside, Joker was the only one in there and he had his face buried in his hands, even with the breather over his nose and mouth. Kaidan halted abruptly at the door feeling his heart clamping in his throat, his stomach turning, his head spinning…

"W-Where's Shepard?" he managed to ask, though he knew all the escape pods had already landed and if she weren't inside that one...

Joker lifted his head slightly, letting his tear-streaked cheeks show, but did not make eye contact with Kaidan or Liara as he answered, "She didn't make it."

Kaidan yanked him out of the pod by the collar, his biotics flaring dangerously. "What do you mean she didn't make it? She's your CO and you disobeyed her direct orders to abandon ship. She went after you, to save you! Now you're here and she's not?"

"T-There was another blast when she got me into the pod and… she got… she got spaced," the helmsman explained, shaken and disheartened but not afraid of the sentinel.

Kaidan noticed Liara was about to intervene, but before she could do it, he let go of Joker's collar and fell on his knees. It was like all his strength had left his body. "Her suit… Oh, God." He couldn't even say it out loud. Knowing that she would drift helplessly in the darkness for about six hours until the oxygen reserves in her suit would wear out and then she would choke to death was… heart-wrenching to say the least.

Liara seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and her eyes shimmered with tears. They had absolutely no means to go looking for Shepard and if there was a feeling worse than that of their utter incapacity, it was what she must have been feeling, lost in the void. Maybe she would unseal her suit and let the vacuum take her. Painful, cruel, but fast. Unfortunately, that thought didn't bring Kaidan any solace.

He took a deep, steadying breath, got up, squared his shoulders, dodged the blue hands that were attempting to comfort him and intentionally knocked Joker over as he strode towards the other survivors. Being the ranking officer now, he had to take charge and make sure everyone would live until rescue came.

Almost six hours later, they were still waiting for Alliance shuttles to pick them up, but the situation was completely under control. Everyone had their assignments, Dr. Chakwas had the wounded stabilized and Kaidan wasn't needed anymore, so he climbed into the only empty escape pod he could find — the one that had been damaged the most in the landing and wasn't being used as shelter by the surviving crew; the one that should've brought Shepard back to him. Crestfallen and slumped on the floor, he watched the clock on his omni-tool reach that time limit that meant the woman he loved was gone forever. The pain was too much and dark energy flowed freely around him as his sobs filled the ruined pod.

The next days were all blurred in his memory by terrible migraines that kept him in the Alliance med-bay in Vancouver. When he left the hospital bed, it was to take part in the worst official appointment he had ever had to attend – Commander Shepard's funeral.

Her surviving crew was all there, aliens included, but he couldn't bring himself to speak to any of them. It was all too painful — the empty casket where her body was supposed to be, the large picture of her standing proudly in her dress blues with all her medals, ribbons, stars and commendations pinned to her chest, Captain Anderson and Admiral Hackett speaking of her heroics and her commitment to duty and Joker... The damned stubborn helmsman had been invited up there to speak in behalf of her crew.

Kaidan didn't want to hear what Joker had to say, but he couldn't just leave in the middle of Shepard's funeral. The helmsman was talking about times Shepard had risked her life for her crew — humans and aliens alike. Not all the times, that would take too long, but one for each of them. Right then and there he realized he was wrong to blame Joker for her death. The truth was that she could've died when she had taken that damned polonium round for him or when she had jumped over Tali to protect her from a thresher maw acid spit. Shepard was like that — willing to risk everything for one of her own, not because she had a death wish, but because she believed she had to atone for the bad choices she had made in the past, for her time running with a gang on Earth, for Torfan.

"Aye aye, ma'am." Those were the last words he spoke to her, while Joker had been defying her authority in the Normandy's final moments. That was another reason he had been so pissed with the helmsman. Kaidan had defied and second-guessed Shepard before, but at that critical moment he had chosen to obey her. If he had been brave enough to defy her again, maybe he would have managed to get her into a damned escape pod, or maybe he would have died with her, or for her. Either way would have been better than this, than living without her.

After the funeral, Anderson told him he would have one more week of leave and then he would be getting a promotion and would be assigned to another ship. He hated how life kept going. Nothing had stopped even for a second because she had died.

The next day, she would turn thirty and her former crew went to have drinks in her honor before they disbanded for good. He didn't go. The whole day he spent staring at the small box that contained the gift he had gotten her for that occasion. A damned diamond ring. The very thing he had thought would bring him endless happiness was now source of unbearable pain. He knew that before they get married they would have to come clean with the brass about their fraternization and he would probably be transferred to another ship, but it was all worth if it meant they would be together in the end. More than anything he wanted to give her hope that the madness of their lives would be over some day and they would be able to settle down, to have a normal life and a family.

He grabbed the ring, crushing it in his clenched fist until it was almost cutting through his skin as he went to see his parents. The last time he had visited them it had been during shore leave, a couple of weeks after he and Shepard had defeated Saren and Sovereign. First, they had had to heal a few wounds and broken limbs, do infinite amounts of paperwork, give interviews, receive medals and all that official bull, of course. Then, they had finally had some time off and he had taken her to Vancouver with him to introduce her to his parents.

His mother had been totally out of line talking about marriage and grandchildren, his father had given them disapproving glares because they were breaking Alliance regs, his younger brother and sister had embarrassed him with stories and pictures from his childhood. For him, it had been stressful and overwhelming and he would rather be fighting geth; but Shepard had loved it and had had such a bright smile on her face and a genuinely happy glint in her eyes that he had decided he could endure his family any day if it meant she would have that look on her face.

"I've always wondered what was like to have a family. Thank you for bringing me here. It was wonderful to spend some time in a real home," she had told him when they had finally left his parents' home.

That had been six months ago.

"I'm sorry, son," his mother said, hugging him tightly.

"Here, Ma. Take this. Do whatever you want with it. I just… I don't want to return it, but I can't look at it anymore," he replied, giving his mother a small box with the engagement ring inside.

When she realized what she was holding, her eyes filled up with tears. She pulled her son closer and he lowered his head to rest on her shoulder. One more time, he allowed himself to cry for the woman he loved and the life they could've had together.