A/N: SO this would be my first non-drabble fic. I realise I'm super later to the Cheerio!Kurt and Anderberry siblings AU's but HEY I like writing them so so be it~

Rating is for later chapters, this one is basically just a lot of ~feelings~ (it may go up in the future though, I'm really not sure).

Honestly can't think of what I should be writing here, so I'll let you get onto the fic. Feel free to review (and by 'feel free' I mean 'I might flail and die so please do') and pick out any horrible typos and grammar eff ups, I'm too afraid to venture into the world of betas just yet...

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise isn't mine.

"So, we're getting coffee after school today, right?" Kurt said as he slid into the seat next to Blaine, putting down an apple onto the table with one hand and fiddling with his phone with the other.

I told myself I would do it today, Blaine reminded himself, glancing up at Kurt and bitting his bottom lip, now or never, now or never.

He was shaking. Not enough to be obvious but enough that it felt to Blaine like there was an earthquake, like he couldn't control his own body and at any second it might smash into a million pieces. Somehow this urged him on.

"Yeah, of course, if you still want to." Blaine said, meeting Kurt's eyes. He felt sick. He just wanted to kiss him but he was one of his best friends and they would probably never be best friends after this, not the way they were at this moment.

Kurt smiled and turned to his phone. The break in eye contact helped Blaine remember the words he had been practicing in the mirror for so long.

"Kurt, I have to tell you something." Blaine closed his eyes, but he knew Kurt was looking at him again. "It's just something I have to say."

Blaine felt Kurt's hand soft and cautious on his shoulder. "What is it, Blaine? Tell me," Kurt's voice cooed.

Kurt's mind was screaming no. No, no, don't tell me. I don't want you to say it, please don't say it-

"I love you."

Blaine took in a long breath and opened his eyes finally, if only to look at his hands. He felt relieved, so incredibly relieved. He'd said it, he'd told him. God, was he smiling? I must look so stupid right now, Blaine thought, but couldn't seem to care. Words were flowing easily from him now. "I love you as more than a friend. I love you, Kurt. I – I want you, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Yeah." His voice was so shaky but he was so happy. A weak laugh escaped him. To hear the words and know Kurt was hearing them to! He had finally, finally, told the truth. He thought he might faint with the giddy rush that went through him.

Then he looked at Kurt.

They were under the bright lights of the cafeteria yet his face seemed dark. His eyes were furtive as he looked from his phone to his fellow Cheerios in the distance, as they laughed and imitated something Rachel had done.

Blaine hadn't noticed when Kurt had withdrew his hand from his shoulder and brought it tightly around himself.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked, his voice small. He felt small, so very small compared to how he had half a moment ago.

"I think I have Cheerios practice. I can't do coffee today." Kurt stood up, "I'll – I'll see you around."

"No – Kurt – Wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Blaine cried, his hands reaching out after Kurt as he slinked out of his seat and towards the door.

Blaine felt hot tears spilling forth from his eyes before he knew it was going to happen. The lump in his throat felt so large and painful he thought he would choke. The sickness came back to his stomach. He wanted to slap himself, he wanted to scream. He wanted to run after Kurt and make him understand. He loved him, he loved him. Oh… but now he hated him too. He hated himself and he hated Kurt because his heart was physically hurting. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see anything for his tears. He clutched at his chest and his begged for the pain to go away. I hate him, he thought, why did he just walk away like that? How can he do this to me? I hate him.

Just when he thought he really was never going to be able to draw breath again he felt arms around him, not Kurt's, he could tell instantly, but Rachel's. Hearing slowly came back to him as soon as he realised he'd lost it. "Shhh, Blaine, come on, let's go," he heard her hum to him soothingly, "I'm taking you home. We'll have hot chocolate and watch Bring It On, your favourite."

Thankfully his legs were moving underneath him although he wasn't sure how he was controlling them. Blinking through his teary eyes he saw people staring. Rachel kept yelling at them to make way. But none of them were Kurt and Blaine wasn't sure if he was still awake.

Kurt sat in his car, the most private place he thought to flee to, with his head in his hands. Why why why why why? He chanted in his head, as if the repetition would work as a spell and undo what had been done. Why had he encouraged him to talk, why had he said 'Tell me' like that? He didn't want to know. Oh, who was he kidding? He already knew. He'd known since summer. He didn't know when the suspicions had started but he had been sure when Blaine had told him, one drunken night at the Anderson-Berry household, that "you know, I don't think I can date anyone because you, Kurt, you are just too perfect and no one will ever compare".

Still, knowing and being told are completely different things. Now he was expected to react, to say something, to... love him back. This wasn't like that summer night where he could just laugh and say "I'm one lucky boy then, aren't I? I get to have you all to myself. And you're pretty perfect yourself, by the way".

But now everything was ruined and they couldn't be those perfect friends anymore. Kurt couldn't fall asleep with Blaine on the couch and snuggle into him and feel so, so safe, especially knowing there wasn't anything expected of him, knowing that Blaine would never ask anything of him.

But today Blaine had broken that and he was asking – yelling really, it seemed to Kurt – "So, you know I'm in love with you. Now what do you think?"

It was the one question Kurt never wanted to answer.

When the tears had finally stopped falling from Blaine's eyes he had become silent. He was cocooned within a blanket and staring emotionless at the television as he held the mug of hot chocolate limply in his hand. Rachel, curled up next to her brother, watched him worriedly.

"Why don't you drink your ho cho?"

Blaine stirred, as if he had been somewhere else. He blinked at Rachel and then at his drink, and brought it to his lips. He took a sip and jerked back from it.

"Too hot," he said flatly.

Rachel sighed. This was not her brother she was looking at, this was a broken shell of him. The sight tore at her heart in a way that made her acutely aware of how much empathy she was actually capable of, and it kind of hurt. "Here, I'll blow on it for you. It'll be cool soon enough." She took the mug from his hands.

Blaine seemed to notice the movie they were watching for the first time. Startled, he grabbed for the remote.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't want to watch this." He muttered glumly.

"But it's your favourite! You've told me so at least a thousand times."

"Do you even know what this movie is about? Cheerleaders, Rachel. Cheerleaders and a relationship between the main character and the best friend's brother. Don't make me watch it. Why did you think it was my favourite in the first place?"

"Oh. Oh! I'm – I'm so sorry, I didn't realise – we can watch something else. How – how about Hairspray? You said you liked Zac Efron!"

Blaine looked tired and beaten but he smiled a little at his sister's empathy. It wasn't everyday you got to see Rachel tripping over herself for someone else. "Yeah, Hairspray, okay."

She handed him back his mug and got up to change the DVD. When Blaine seemed to be paying attention to the movie she said something about ice cream and excused herself to the kitchen. Once she was alone she got out her phone and quickly texted Kurt: Are you okay? Will you be at glee club practice today?

It was only a few moments until he responded and Rachel took that as a sign he wasn't paying attention in class.

I don't know and I don't know

Rachel huffed and went through her contacts to a name she had never texted before. Wes.

Code Black. And it's bad.