Hey buddies…this one is rated M at the end. So no kiddos, OK?

Thank you for all the reviews. You guys seriously rock my socks off! Make sure you let me know if you like how I ended it… I wasn't sure what to do exactly, as this is a really complex situation, but I tried!

Happy reading! Boo for Mondays!

"So you are sleeping on the couch?" Shephard asked between swings.

"No," Owen connected with the golf ball and squinted as he watched it soar, "she is."

Derek placed his club in his bag and took a swig of water, waiting for Owen to continue.

"This is much more fun on the roof," Owen commented as he glanced around him at the many golfers at the driving range.

"So it's been what…three weeks?"

Owen nodded.

"And she is sleeping on the couch?"

Owen nodded again, "Can we not talk about this? It is not my favorite topic."

Derek smiled and tilted his head, "You are a much better man than I am. I probably would have told Meredith what she wanted to hear. Hell, I have needs."

"Trust me Shep, so do I. But it's not about what she wants to hear."

He paused and wiped his brow, "I feel pretty lucky, because everything else is great. We share meals, talk, go out, everything is back the way that it was...hell, maybe even better. She talks to me about a lot more now."

"I'm sure your patience will pay off." Derek noted.

Owen picked up his driver and placed a ball on the tee, "Well, we are somewhat physical."

Derek didn't say anything, he just watched Owen hit the ball and waited for him to finish his thought.

"Damn, hooked it…" he sighed.

Finally he turned to Derek and said, "I think that the hurt she feels from the cheating and the loss she felt with the abortion all culminate when we begin to get intimate. It happens fast too. Like throwing a switch."

Derek nodded, "Like I said, I'm sure your patience will pay off."

"Probably more information than you wanted huh?"

"Little bit, yeah."

"Let's just swing."

"Good deal."

Owen went home that night to Cristina. He made spaghetti while she sat at the counter. They talked about their day. They cleaned up dinner and sat in front of the television to watch Jay Leno. Cristina got up and got ready for bed then returned to the couch. Owen gave her the remote, kissed her head, got himself ready for bed and returned to kiss her goodnight.

His kiss lingered longer and longer every night, but if he touched her body she froze. Tonight was no different.

He pulled back the comforter and drifted to sleep listening to the sound of channel surfing.

Tonight had been a typical night. He was frustrated by the distance, but he had come to accept it. Cristina's hot and cold attitude toward intimacy had been becoming colder by the day. He carried on…steady and unwavering…praying that someday she might join him in bed.

But he wasn't about to bet on it.

It was the most horrible thing Cristina had ever had to do.

"Mr. and Mrs. Jeffery's, I'm sorry but despite all our efforts we were unable to save him. He died."

She said it the same way she always did, same rehearsed compassion, same soft voice, but deep down she was dying inside.

The parents did what parents always do, they looked at her in shock and asked "What?" more times than she could count.

Then the wife got angry with her and shouted. The husband cried. They collapsed on each other and eventually sat down holding onto each other for dear life.

Cristina did what she always did, she stayed with them until they forgot she was there.

Then she ran. Literally, ran to the locker room and locked the door behind her.

Her breathing was so deep that it was difficult to control. She felt trapped and scared.

But she was a doctor, she knew what this was and what to do about it, so she pushed her emotions aside long enough to control her breath and begin to clear her mind. This will pass…

Owen finished sewing up the tiny chest. Teddy had offered but he said he would do it. This case would live in his memory as one of the worst.

A car accident had brought in the family, not 15 minutes after they left the hospital. They were on their way home with their new son, David, and a car driven by an elderly woman ran a red light at 55 miles an hour and plowed into their vehicle.

The rear of the van took the impact. The side that the car seat was in was the one that was struck. The parents were fine, medically at least. Just bumps, bruises, and scrapes, nothing more.

Owen, Arizona, Teddy, and Cristina had worked on the small child for 4 hours before Arizona had called time of death.

When the call was made, the surgeons looked at each other…as if trying to decide who drew the short straw and would have to inform the parents.

"I'll go," Cristina said.

"I'll go with you," Arizona stepped away and tore of her mask, but just then her pager beeped.

"Dr. Robbins it's the NICU, 911."

Arizona and Cristina shared a look for a moment before Cristina nodded, "It's okay, I got it."

Owen was surprised and somewhat hurt about the ease that Cristina seemed to be taking this. He knew, however, that she was not as cold as she came off.

The room emptied as everyone except Owen and Teddy left.

"I'll sew him up Owen, you go take a break."

He shook his head, "No…no I'll do it. His parents may want to see him."

Teddy nodded and left, she knew him well enough to know that Owen needed to be left alone right now.

So Owen was left to sew up the tiny chest, disconnect the wires, and pull out the tubes. When he was finished he wiped the blood from David's body and wrapped him in a blanket from the nursery.

The parents were still in the waiting room, sitting with their foreheads together.

Owen approached them and crouched down.

"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Jeffery's?" he spoke quietly.

The man looked up.

"Would you like to see him?"

Cristina's panic attack had passed. She unlocked the door before she went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face.

Then she left. Got on her motorcycle and went home. She climbed the stairs and collapsed into bed. Owen's bed. Her bed had been the couch for the past three weeks.

Collapsing on the bed instead of the couch may have been her fatal error. She could smell him. He was everywhere.

"Hunt?"

Owen looked up from his paperwork to see Teddy approaching him.

"Have you seen Cristina? I haven't seen her since she left the OR. She is supposed to perform an angioplasty in a twenty minutes and the patient isn't even prepped yet."

Owen looked at her in confusion, "I haven't seen her. Did you page her?"

"Uhh yeah, and I used the intercom."

Owen shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you."

Teddy sighed, "I'll get Avery to do it…you off now?"

Owen nodded as he closed the chart he was working on and stacked in neatly in its place.

"Well, good job today. Tell Cristina too if you ever find her. It was a tough one."

"Yeah," Owen said as he forced a smile, "Have a nice weekend."

As Owen walked into the firehouse he felt relief. Cristina's motorcycle was parked in the garage. The engine was still ticking, so she couldn't have been home for long.

As he walked up the stairs to the loft he couldn't hear anything. At first glance it didn't even look like Cristina was home. Then he saw a curled up lump in the bed. He walked over to the side closest to her and touched her hair.

"Cristina…"

She sniffed but didn't respond. Owen remained standing and tried again, "Cristina you missed your angio."

"Three days. That is all they had with their son. Three days. He never even got to see his home. That sucks, I mean," she paused to try and breathe through her tears, "it was like he never even existed."

Owen sat down slowly and stroked her hair, "We did everything we could, you and I both know that this world is cruel." His voice caught at the end even though he struggled to keep it even.

Cristina caught the infliction in his voice and broke down. Crying like she never had before.

Owen lay down on the bed and wrapped his arm around her, but she immediately fought his grip. He resisted, "Cristina it's okay let me hold you."

Her arms began to flail so he held her wrist tightly, "Cristina-"

"NO!"

She pushed herself off the bed with all her might and made a beeline to the bathroom where she locked the door.

Owen sat up on the bed and stared at the door with a dazed and confused expression on his face.

Owen leaned his head against the door and sighed, he had been knocking on the door and coaxing his wife to open it for the last hour.

"Cristina please open the door, I don't know what to do."

Cristina was sitting on the toilet seat lid clutching her stomach. The feeling of nausea had passed, finally.

She stood up to open the door and was met by Owen, who was running as if to knock it down. She backed out of the way immediately and Owen, with nothing to hold on to, crashed into the bathroom.

His hand reached out for the bathtub to break his fall and collapsed in a pile against it.

Cristina was frozen for a moment, looking to see if he was okay. He moaned and said ouch a few times, but eventually turned and rested his back against the tub. They looked at each other and Cristina started laughing.

Owen didn't. He stared at her with a sad expression.

Eventually her laughter continued, but as she spoke the laughter turned into unmistakable anguish, "That father today, he was so devastated. The mom was mad… she was screaming and yelling, but the father was just sad."

She paused and met his eyes, "I know you wanted our child. I understand that you were grieving. I wasn't good enough for you. You stood by me and understood what I needed, but I didn't do that for you, and Owen, I probably never will."

This time, Owen's tears were the ones to fall.

"Kids, a house with a fenced in yard, summer vacations at Disney World…that stuff is not for me. But it is for you," she looked at him sadly, "and you deserve the life you want."

Owen didn't say anything.

"We have been working on our love, but truthfully that was never the problem. I will love you for the rest of my life. That part is easy," she paused, "but the only way this works is if you give up everything you want, so that I can have everything I want, and Owen…that is not okay."

Owen looked down and summoned all of his strength, "I am willing to give you everything you want-"

"I know," Cristina snipped. More softly she continued, "But I am not going to let you."

Owen sat up straight and looked directly into her eyes, "I want you to imagine yourself without me."

Now it was Cristina's turn not to say anything.

"You keep trying to leave me. First because I cheated on you, and I can understand that. Now you are trying to leave me because you love me too much? Cristina stop! I love you. I don't know what else could possibly be more important. Do not fall on your sword for me. That won't help either of us."

Cristina's tears fell silently, "I want you to have children, I want you to have the life you deserve."

Owen sighed and looked at the ground and back up at her, "Imagine it."

Cristina looked away and wiped her eyes.

"Imagine me with my 'perfect life'." He paused to allow her time to think.

"Does it hurt? Does it hurt to think of me with another woman? With another woman's kids? With another woman in my bed? Does it hurt?,"

His voice became louder as he continued, "Because it hurts me! It hurts me to think of life without you, life with someone else. It hurts because it isn't right. You and me Cristina, WE ARE RIGHT."

Cristina's tears increased as she clutched her stomach.

"Owen- Owen they…" she was sobbing now. She felt the panic of earlier return with a vengeance.

He reached out a hand and placed it on her knee slowly. He wasn't sure what was happening in her head right now. The last week had been more hot and cold than he cared to think about, but this was unexpected and completely uncharacteristic.

Cristina did her best to slow her breath, but her sentences still came out in small bits, "He's gone…you didn't even meet him…you wanted him."

Owen let his tears fall with her when he thought of the child he never met, "I did."

Cristina looked over at him and he realized how terrible she looked. Her entire face was red and her eyes were swollen. He had gone through this feeling of guilt and loss long ago, maybe now Cristina was going through it.

"People think I am cold," Cristina continued through her tears, "my friends even think I am cold. They say it like it is a good thing…but they have no idea. I'm not. I am not cold when it comes to you…and I want you to have your life Owen, I want you to have your perfect life…and when I see you with your perfect family it will hurt like hell. But I can't give that to you so-"

"Stop."

Cristina took a ragged breath and looked down at him.

"You can give that to me. We can give that to each other. I am not going to try and convince you that you want to, but the simple fact is…we can have that. But it is your decision."

Cristina put her head back in her hands.

Owen pushed himself up off the floor and stood over her with his hand lightly touching her shoulder, "Come on, let's go sit on the couch. You need a glass of water."

She made no move to get up. So Owen gently lifted her up and led her to the couch. He poured her a glass of water and set it down on the coffee table. He sat on the couch facing her and touched her hand.

"Owen, I am afraid to have a child…for so many reasons. I know what I did was my right, but…" she paused and pulled away from his hand.

He put his hand back in his lap and braced himself. He expected her to say something about not wanting a child, or not wanting to lose her career.

Cristina exhaled, "you deserved so much more than what I gave you."

Owen tilted his head in confusion.

"You were his dad, and- and-" her tears began again.

"You keep saying his," Owen said quietly and looked away. "How far along were you? Did you know the sex?"

Cristina shook her head and muttered through tears, "No…just a guess."

Owen nodded, "I thought it was a boy too."

She turned to face him and saw the tears in his eyes. She reached out to hold his hand.

No words would ever fix this. No words would ever be enough. All she could do is hold his hand.

"I just don't want you to hate me. How could you not? What if we have a child?" she asked quietly. "How is this next child better or more deserving of life than the last? Why would this one get to live while I decided the other one didn't?"

Owen shook his head, "If we decide to have a family Cristina we would have to move past this. The child we lost is the only reason we are talking about this right now, we have to believe that there is a greater purpose…"

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"I'm not talking about God necessarily but- just- I mean there is a reason things happen."

Cristina looked up, "I am not good enough for you."

Cristina stayed silent for a while, so Owen decided to break the silence.

"There was a time that I was no good for you. Remember?"

Cristina nodded.

"I wanted nothing more that to have you in my life. I had hurt you so badly in every way possible, but I still wanted you."

Cristina allowed herself a small smile, "Take care now…"

Owen smiled in response, "Yeah…I loved you so much that I had to come up with words to protect you…but I guess my point was that you were so important to me that I changed."

Cristina rested her head on her hand, she was exhausted. Owen handed her the glass of water and continued as she sipped it slowly.

"Cristina…before the ambush I was a gung-ho soldier, a stud…best at everything I did. It all came easy to me. I knew all the medicine, all the tactics, all the leadership skills. Asking for help wasn't something I did, it was what others came to me for."

He paused and took a sip from her glass before putting it back on the coffee table.

"After the ambush I tried to be that guy. Deep down I knew I couldn't…but I never had a reason to change. Until I met you. You were my reason…hell, you probably saved my life."

Cristina was starting to understand where he was going with this.

"I miss who I was, I miss being a bad ass that no one would mess with. I miss being the best…but you are more important. You saved me, and for that…I changed. You think I wanted kids when I was in the desert? Hell, I hated when Beth talked about that. I never wanted kids until I met you."

"The love we have together made me want a family. The way you looked at me when we would make love…Cristina there is no way I can put that kind of emotion into words."

He paused and took another sip of water, "So I think the decision you need to make is not will you change but…. am I worth you changing for? Do you love me enough to think about having room for my life in yours?"

The words themselves were rough and callous, but the tone in which he said them softened their blow. She considered all he had said; life without him, watching him with someone else, someone else building a family with him. It almost made her sick to think about it.

She swallowed and took a deep breath, "I am sorry I hurt you."

Owen took her hand in his and placed his other hand on her shoulder, "Me too."

She continued, "I can't promise anything right now because I am a wreck…"

He squeezed her shoulder and let her continue.

"But if you would have walked out that door when I told you to, I would have been devastated." She grasped his hand like it was a lifeline, "Please don't leave."

Owen kissed her temple and smoothed her hair, "I won't, you can trust me. I won't leave you."

Owen paused before he asked his next words because he wanted to be sure she was listening, "But will you leave me?"

Cristina kissed his hand and looked up at his eyes, "No."

Owen looked down and swallowed hard, "You have already tried a couple times," he paused, "I'll go all in. But I don't want to get hurt either."

His voice was raspy as he was trying to control his emotions. Cristina was in an unusual place…she was the one doing the reassuring. So she did the thing that helped her the most when she felt vulnerable, she kissed him.

The kiss was soft at first, but when Owen let out the breath that he had been holding a painful moan came with it, and Cristina deepened the kiss, trying to absorb the pain he felt.

His hands wrapped around her body and held her tightly. His touch was not light and hesitant, but strong and desperate. His hands moved from her back to either side of her face as he pulled her lips from his.

Cristina resisted at first, but when he made eye contact she stopped. His gaze showed pain, weakness, need, desire…

It was her turn to exhale in pain, "Owen-"

He crushed her lips to hers and pulled her onto his lap. His kisses were deep and rough and his nails scraped against her skin underneath her shirt. His touch conveyed one simple message: I need you.

She reached underneath his shirt to touch his skin. It was her way of giving him permission, and he took it. He lifted her shirt and his mouth latched on to her skin.

His tongue and teeth moved quickly over her skin while he flattened his palm and pressed it down between her breasts.

Cristina moaned and reached for his pants, and she was able to undo the button and zipper before he pressed her down into the couch. His breath was ragged as he continued to kiss her neck. His hand, frustrated with the zipper on her pants, pulled hard at the fabric.

Cristina heard the fabric tear and arched her back to allow Owen to push her pants down. Then with a flick of his wrist he shoved her panties to the side, and positioned himself between her legs. Then he paused.

His hand splayed out along the side of her face and his eyes searched hers for any doubt. He saw none. His voice was hoarse but his words were strong, "I love you."

He pushed into her slowly and deliberately. Cristina arched her hips into his. He pushed her pants lower and she kicked them off of her feet, then she wrapped her legs around his back and locked her ankles together.

Owen buried his face in her neck and breathed in her scent. His hands gripped the couch and he pushed into her deeper and faster over, and over again. Her back arched and her legs pulled themselves apart as he felt himself beginning to lose control.

Cristina felt him harden and squeezed herself tightly around him. "Please-" her voice was small, "please don't stop."

Owen looked into her eyes and it pushed him over the edge. As he came his finger brushed against Cristina and he brought her with him.

He collapsed on her, laying his head on her chest. She held onto him tightly as she caught her breath.

Neither moved for an immeasurable amount of time, they just listened to the others' breathing.

Owen moved his head and rested his chin between her breasts. She stared down at him.

"Are you back on the pill?" he asked quietly.

Cristina shook her head and stroked his hair.

"Do I need to make a run to the drug store?" his voice gave no hint of judgement.

She shook her head again.

Owen sat up and brought her with him.

"Cristina- I didn't mean right now. I want you to be sure."

She took a deep breath, and pulled herself closer to him.

"Look- we're not trying… but I am willing to take a risk this time."

He looked at her with his head tilted. His face expressed a slight fear.

Cristina rolled her eyes and smiled, "I'm answering you Owen. Yes. Okay? Yes, you are worth it."

His face broke out into a grin.

Cristina shook her head unable to maintain eye contact, but inside she was thrilled to see the joy on his face after so many months of nothing but pain. "Seriously, I had to spell that out for you?"

He kissed her through his smile, "Come on, admit it…I'm adorable when I'm slow."

She chuckled and accepted his quick kiss, "Okay I get that you are happy, but we are not trying."

Owen shook his head, unable to rid himself of his smile, "No… no, we would never do such a crazy thing."

They sat their grinning at each other like "idiots" (or at least that is what Cristina thought), before Owen stood up and pulled her up with him.

"Come on," he said.

"Where are we going?" Cristina asked in mock annoyance.

Owen grinned, "Food. You gave me a workout."

Cristina grinned, "Can I at least put on a pair of pants that zip?"

In response, Owen picked her up and slung her over his shoulder as he began to walk towards the stairs.

"Owen! I'm half naked…put me down!" Her voice was loud, but Owen could hear the smile underneath the insistence.

Owen grinned and started to descend the stairs.

"Owen…Owen…OWEN!"

As he reached the landing he put her down on the stair above it and leaned over her, "You know what…I think I need to burn a few more calories before we gorge ourselves with spring rolls…"

Cristina smiled and touched her nose to his, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

His lips descended on hers again, but this time... he took his time.

That is all she wrote for this one guys! I have a couple ideas for different ones, but we will have to see where the storyline goes. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me on this story. Your reviews have kept me going!

Hope you liked it!