AN: This has been on my mind forever, but luckily it's a one-shot so that's always good news, right? I've been craving something angsty and while this isn't nearly as bad as A Lifetime With You, it didn't complete sate my appetite for sadness. T.T I just love well-written angst so I need to go find some and get a real fix. Haha.

Anyway, please enjoy!

Summary: I am your shadow in the dark, your mist in the clouds, always there but never seen. But your eyes are turned towards the light that casts away evil, a bright sun shining down. So who am I (to you)?

Warnings: Maybe some OOC-ness. Toushirou and Karin are essentially children in Bleach, which means that they probably won't ever fall in love with, well, anyone on screen. So, for the sake of my amusement, I make them two headstrong but hopelessly stupid people in love.

I am your shadow in the dark, your mist in the clouds, always there but never seen.

She knows his answer before she even asks.

With a half-hearted smile, Karin makes her way to the Tenth, waving hello to the unranked officers that greet her, doing her best to keep her dubiousness locked inside. Kurosaki Karin doesn't show weakness, but as she creeps into the room with careful steps she does her best to remind herself of that.

"Oi, Toushirou, you still doing paperwork?" It's the normal greeting and she's happy that she doles it out with her normal, characteristic circle of her eyes. She's not the slightest bit out-of-character and she almost has to applaud herself. Because she's used to playing the sarcastic best friend, always just one of the boys. She's never hated the position but there's always been one little hitch.

"If you're just going to complain, I highly suggest that you get out," Toushirou responds, scribbling his signature on a piece of paper she's sure he hasn't even read. Contrary to popular belief, the former child captain wasn't as discriminating as many thought he was, something that gave her ample reason to mess with him. She couldn't remember how many times she'd had to bail him out of a few accidentally signed mishaps, ones she's sure Matsumoto snuck in on the sly. Even after all these years, they're all still being taken for a ride by that woman.

With a grin, she replies in kind. "Wouldn't think of it."

As she goes to recline on the familiar cream couch, they sit in silence for a while, the only noise being the scratching of his pen. When she was alive, this sort of waiting would have driven her stir-crazy, making her sway absentmindedly while she tried to distract herself. But time does has done wonders as her temper is easily soothed nowadays. She finds that it's useful in dealing with these kinds of moments.

She realizes that this is probably her daily dose of weakness, as she hears him shuffling the last of today's work into folders and putting things back into his drawers. Karin has a feeling that he sees her as a timepiece sometimes because he completes his work no later than twenty minutes after her arrival, stretching once he's out of his chair as she walks over to meet him.

This is always the worst part.

"We're going out again tonight," she starts, putting her hands behind her back in a way that's supposed to be innocuous. The way he's eyeing her tells Karin that it isn't working. "And everyone's tasked me with the duty of inviting you, or dragging you by your hair. Whichever works in my favor."

It's Friday night and it's the gang's monthly partying binge. Neither she nor Hitsugaya really enjoy alcohol or hyperactive colleagues, but who turns down a good time with friends and plenty of repressed mayhem that has finally found an outlet?

But Karin knows what day it is, knows the exact moment when he'll shake his head and placate her with a regretful grin. She's memorized all this and yet she still asks him. But she knows it's all borrowed time. Sometimes she wonders why she lets herself come back here and accept rejection as if it doesn't burn her every time.

But your eyes are turned towards the light that casts away evil, a bright sun shining down.

"Tell the guys I'm sorry. I'm having dinner with Momo tonight."

She doesn't miss the slight glow to his face. It gnaws on her courage a little, makes something inside her deflate and she knows it isn't normal. Being passed on isn't something new especially when it comes to him, but it never fails to trouble her.

It doesn't escape her how he's begun using Hinamori's first name, nor does she forget that the Fifth's fukutaichou has stopped calling him 'Shiro-chan.' However, she is aware of the lingering glances, shy but powerful, fingers dancing as they brush across each other, both intentional and not. The entirety of the Gotei Thirteen isn't completely conscious of their relationship, treading that invisible line between childhood friends and lovers with the utmost care. No one is more knowledgeable about this than she is.

"Eh? But you never go out with us!" She plays the angry friend, watching as he apologizes with a distant look in the gaze that meets hers. Deciding not to drag this on any longer, Karin picks up the conversation, ending it on her terms in fear that she'll say something that'll spike his attention. "Well, since I know you probably won't change your mind for anyone except a certain someone, I'll surrender. For now, at least."

She slumps exaggeratedly for effect, her face joking as her soul cries something fierce. As she makes her way to the door, waving a hand over her shoulder as she always does, his voice unexpectedly stops her. It's a deviation from their pattern that catches her off-guard. His question is so loaded that she's not sure she can answer.

"Why do you do it, Karin?"

It knocks her off her center but she maintains her cool as she takes a soothing inhale and answers, refusing to meet his sharp gaze. "What'dya mean, Toushirou?"

As he sighs, Karin knows instinctively that he's running a hand through his messy hair. "I mean, they always send you to do their dirty work, asking me to come when they already know the answer."

Ah, so that's what he meant. His simplemindedness almost makes her smile, as she peers at him with more emotion than she's usually comfortable showing. But he won't understand it, never does, and she'll never be the one that'll tell him exactly what it's saying. Instead, she opens the door and resumes her journey out, their comfortable but painfully clichéd outline firmly in place again.

"Of course I'd never leave you behind. We're nakama, after all."

So who am I (to you)?

Not in the mood for a party after her uncomfortable exit, Karin apologizes for both her and Toushirou when she passes by a few of the gang on her way out of the area. She's disheartened by their cajoling and requests, but she already knows how she wants to spend the rest of the evening. When she waves goodbye against their protests, Karin discerns exactly where she's going, as she appears in front of the familiar estate that a remote few knew she visited.

When she's greeted by the maid at the door, the woman shows the seated officer to the private study, an area she's become intimately familiar with over her relatively short stay in this realm. It's small and furnished with a small table, a few pillows for sitting, a dark colored cabinet in the corner and a wall scroll or two placed along the interior. The door's left open as the other bows and excuses herself, going to call her master. When he comes, his steps don't give him away but the scratch of his aura against hers does.

"I see you've turned up unannounced again, Karin." Grinning up at him, she's glad that he uses her first name freely now. It'd been hard to get him to agree to it before. But Karin was patient and she'd worn down enough people in her life to know that he'd cave as well, if for no other reason than to concede with some dignity.

"Good evening, Byakuya. Ready to lose tonight?"

His stiff composure belies the flash of challenge in his eyes as he says nothing, only sits down in front of her. Taking out the worn-out board with its ebony and ivory pieces, he grabs a handful of them and keeps them covered as she guesses even or odd. In the end, she's white and he's black as they begin their impromptu game of Go, an unspoken tradition that only they share.

In the beginning, she was just looking for an escape, a way to deal with her heavy responsibilities, merciless bankai training that was going nowhere, and her overall anger with the piling up of pressures that everyone seemed to expect her to carry off with aplomb. But sparring was becoming increasingly frustrating, her zanpakuto's voice and Inner World even more so, and her temper was thin for everyone and everything. But just when she thought she'd completely lose herself, Karin found the older Kuchiki sitting at a small gaming table one warm afternoon with two jars of marbles at his side.

She'd been tasked to drop off something from her captain, but since it was a holiday it was the Kuchiki's home that she was conned into going to. Against her better judgment to just leave the documents nearby, Karin sat across from him while he made one move after another, asking far too many questions. But the Kuchiki didn't seem to mind as much as she thought, as he answered each one, eventually starting over and going through the rules and basic moves with detailed descriptions. Since then, she'd been learning the art of Go and the beauty of its strategy.

"What's bothering you?" Byakuya asks finally when there's about thirty pieces on the board, figuring out that she's not playing with a clear, conscious mind. He knows how good she is, having done a number of teaching games with her and evaluating her level thoroughly. Byakuya is even generous enough to admit that, one day, Karin might actually be better than him if she took the sport seriously enough, but he doubts she will. For her this is only a game a distraction. He doesn't approve of that mentality at all.

His faint displeasure doesn't escape Karin, as she tries to draw on stock knowledge before placing her next piece down. "Nothing important. Everything at work is fine."

"Then perhaps your social life is asunder—" he counters and captures a line of her small soldiers as she bites back a curse, "—because that is the only reason that I can think of to justify your lack of concentration and novice play."

It hurts that he can see right through her, a man that pays so little attention to her outside of these walls and sees her almost never. And yet he knows more than most, perhaps more than Karin realizes. Even Toushirou couldn't sense anything wrong with her and he was supposed to be one of her closest friends. The sudden thought of him causes her heart to constrict as she grips her chest. And unfortunately for her, Byakuya's perceptiveness is matched only by his ability to connect the dots, finding her reasons with easiness that scares her.

"It is him, no?" He never says Hitsugaya's name. It's the only bit of kindness he can offer her during these situations, as she turns her head away to glare out to the moonlit garden. She finds its dark serenity a stark contrast to her own soul, an irony that almost makes her laugh.

"What makes you say that?" She tries to put on that brave smile, but it's useless. He's only asking to be polite and she's only pretending because she knows that this lecture may be the sense she needs.

"Only he makes you look as if your very existence is an agonizing one."

"It's just a one-sided crush, one that'll go away soon, I'm sure." But it's a rushed explanation, and it tries too hard to explain what both of them already know. Karin is falling for Hitsugaya Toushirou, a man who has only seen her as a friend. A good friend, perhaps even her closest one, but nothing more than that.

"I don't love him." As sure as it sounds, she's not convinced for whose sake she's saying it.

"No, I don't believe you do," Byakuya says, nodding his head wisely as she's waiting for him to continue. He's always had more insight than her, for he was a man who had lived several lifetimes. He was her Pandora's Box, the one who held all of her terrors and mysteries. And when she hears the words that come from his mouth, she knows that she can do nothing else but heed them.

"But one day you will and then it'll be too late. Don't choose a man like him, Karin, because he may never choose you back." And as heartbreaking as it is to hear aloud, Karin's grateful for the honesty.

Hyourinmaru has been increasingly restless lately, Hitsugaya notes to himself, as he strolls back to his home after dinner. In the back of his mind, there's the sound of dissatisfaction that he finds a little worrisome, but he tells his counterpart that they'll discuss it in full later. After all, the moon is high and glowing softly at him, full and round in a way that lights up all the alleyways of Seireitei.

He takes special care to avoid overly populated places because he's in such good spirits that the contented look on his face would generate far too much gossip. In fact, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to rebuff the taunts and jeers, his parting with Momo a sweet memory that he was still coming down from.

When he turns the corner, Toushirou stops for a second when he hears the creaking of a gate, the noise loud and out of place. Ducking into the shadows, he berates himself for his jumpiness. But, as he peers past the edge of the wall to see the source of his scare, his eyes widen so large that he's surprised they've managed to stay in his head.

Outside of the Kuchiki Mansion, Karin has stepped out and onto the street, Kuchiki-taichou escorting her.

Narrowing his eyes, Toushirou can make out the two speaking, which stuns him because he hadn't even known they were friends until now. Close ones as well, if the way she was laughing and talking animatedly was any indication. While generally a friendly person to all, there were few things that Karin shared with anyone, her true personality being one of them. Her honesty was something she held within herself, saving it for those she found worthy of the burden.

And it looked as if the Sixth's captain was one of them for he wasn't untouched by her enthusiasm, Toushirou thought to himself, seeing the softness in the other's impassive manner. There was something between them that no one else was privy to, a secret relationship that they'd hidden. Beneath the surface of his consciousness, Hyourinmaru growls something loud and passionate, a cry of emotion that he hardly ever lets out. It's more than a little worrying.

"Thanks for tonight, Byakuya, I needed it," Karin speaks easily, bowing her head respectfully. Against his better judgment, Toushirou listens closely to their conversation, happy that the softly blowing wind is moving in his direction.

"You'll consider what I said earlier, right?" The question is vague, but there's a prickling sense of reality that has the younger captain straightening his back at the words. And by the terse look on Kurosaki's face it's something serious, most likely some decision that she's going to toss over and over again in her head. He's dying to know what it is.

"There's no need," she responds with a shrug, looking at him with determination that runs in her family. "I've already made up my mind and I agree with you. It's time to let go." Of what? Hitsugaya bites on his lip to prevent him from saying the two words. He doesn't want to get caught eavesdropping, not by these two.

"Then I wish you all the best, Karin." When he sees Byakuya pat her head softly and her reaction of swatting his hand away, Toushirou feels something startle itself awake in the back of his mind, stealing the air from his lungs. He has to fight down a surge in his reiatsu thst'x only compounded by Hourinmaru's unease. As he moves away from them, he knows that he has much to discuss with his friend.

I am displeased with you, Master, Hyourinmaru rumbles in that deep, mystic voice of his. In the confines of their shared realm, the snow is falling down like a blizzard, angry and torrential, a show of Hitsugaya's previously unacknowledged turmoil.

"With what?" he asks, genuinely confused by the other's behavior. Known for his loyalty, the ice dragon was watching him with haughtiness unbecoming of his old age and visage. He holds him in contempt, but for what the white-haired man can't even begin to wonder.

While I tend to agree with you on most matters, I am not happy with your most recent ventures, he explains, coming to stand before his wielder. Tonight he was an equal instead of the subordinate he pretended to be. I don't believe you've chosen correctly, and for that I cannot keep silent any longer.

"You must speak more clearly, Hyourinmaru, because you're making no sense and today I don't have the patience." It's a disrespectful gesture that has him cringing inwardly because of it. But that meeting he saw between Byakuya and Karin was on a loop in his head. His thoughts are open books to the creature before him, the part of his soul that was more his friend than partner in battle, and for some reason the other looked pleased for a flash of a second.

The dragon doesn't mince words with him. You are jealous of their relationship.

"I'm not!" Toushirou denies, glaring fiercely.

And yet you're angry over it. But why, Master? Is it because you did not know, or because she did not tell you?

While not a formal part of their friendship, Toushirou considers himself one of the privileged few who got to listen to Karin's deepest thoughts, the concerns she was afraid others wouldn't understand. Likewise, he's found himself sitting next to her in the dead of night on occasional when a few of those wayward insecurities creep up on him, staying awake until the sun came up.

He swallows his anger in hopes of finding clarity. "I'm not concerned over Karin and her other friendships. They are hers to have, and as her friend I support her without prejudice."

You say it so easily, Master, but your heart screams otherwise. The old spirit gestures to the harsh blowing of the wind that becomes howls of fury and the snow that turns to hail in only a second's time. And for a moment Toushirou is struck dumb by his own reaction, not realizing just how affected he was by the news.

With a casual toss of his head, the young captain looks his zanpakuto in the eye with a prideful glower. "I care about Karin, yes, I'll give you that. But it's Momo who I've chosen, the woman I decided to love long before Karin was even born. How can you betray me by convincing me of something else entirely, Hyourinmaru?"

You are only a man, Master, one who holds time and rational thinking over love and bonds, he soothes, as if calming an infant. While he may bow to this boy's whims on occasion, Hyourinmaru is more than aware of the other's shortcomings, of his contradictions against his own future. For Hitsugaya is a man who does not believe he deserves to be happy, choosing to suffer for others so that they may find their own dreams and live them the way he cannot.

It's because of this that he's unable to see that this strong and growing affection for one girl has merely been transferred onto another. In anyone's eyes, Momo is the safer choice of the two after all, the easier one to get along with and eventually settle down beside. Therefore, she's the logical choice because she is the girl who has been there since the beginning.

But deep in the recesses of Toushirou's mind, he knows that Karin is the right choice, the one who doesn't need him next to her every waking moment, doesn't need him to protect her but wants him there anyway. And it's for that reason that Hyourinmaru cries out from the depths of his Inner World, letting out the despair his master doesn't even know he hrboras. Somehow the guardian is able to embody all of those doubts into one all-encompassing question.

Is it because you think you love Momo that you are loyal, or are you loyal because you truly love her?

In the end, Toushirou has no answer.

When Karin made her declaration to Byakuya, she'd thought she'd go about it slowly, extracting her existence from Toushirou's overtime. Perhaps she'd begin by staying away from the Tenth, delegating some of her duties to others under her command, perhaps even missing her nightly visits. However, things don't go as she plans because one day she's beside him and the next she finds that she can't be there at all.

In a rush order, she's sent out to lead a squad to the World of the Living, an emergency some place in Europe where the barrier around a small but peaceful town has literally ripped at the seams. And while the Twelfth has managed to prevent its complete destruction, the damage is done long before they can get assemble a few groups quickly enough.

They send some of their best but captains aren't necessary here, only a few lieutenants and some experienced squad members. She's one of their most skilled, as low as her numbered rank is, a conscious decision since she chooses not to stand out more than she needs to. So when they dispatch her the following afternoon, she neither has the time to refuse nor the luxury to do so. After a literally five-minute briefing, a number of their best lower-ranked and even a few unranked shinigami are under her direct orders, as she leads them into the fray.

It's a slash-and-go affair, repetitive and easy, but it's one of her longest times being away from Seireitei since her death. The hollows have already spread far and wide by the time they arrive, and they know no one is going home until they've gotten them all. She and her teammates are grimy, hungry and sleep-deprived during the two-month period, as they slumber and guard in shifts.

Eventually they decide to break into and travelling in smaller groups to cover more ground. And even though it's easy enough getting rid of them, the psychological aspect of their occupation takes its toll on all of them, as they return nearly nine weeks later to heartfelt congratulations, soft beds and warm food for their bellies.

However, Karin is their leader and thus she's got responsibilities even after the combat is done. She ends up spending her first night writing up the report, cursing her ingrained habit of completing her work on time. It's annoying but she has the rest of the week off so she can't really complain. Besides, she's mostly done and all of her physiological needs have been taken care of. Looking up at the moon high in the sky, she figures it's well into the late evening now; her body's internal clock is readjusting to normal waking hours.

But of everything that's happened in the last few weeks, Karin doesn't expect what occurs next.

The door slides open, the roll of the wheels loud in the silent office. And while she doesn't look up or greet him, she's well acquainted with the person coming to stand in front of her desk, her heart pumping just a little more quickly in response. They haven't spoken in a while and she can't help but wonder if he's even noticed she's been gone. But with a swift shake of her head, Karin deems that line of thought is nothing other than a nuisance. She vowed to make a change and she'd never go back on it, not when it was for her own good.

"You look well," Hitsugaya says after a long while, the quiet of the quarters not hostile but not welcoming either. It's indifference and he knows immediately that this wasn't what he wanted to see.

"As do you," she answers back, but when she refuses to lift her eyes from her report, he knows she's avoiding him. It grates on his patience because he's been wondering about this reunion for weeks now. This is nothing like what he wishes. The words he wants to say are stuck in his cowardly throat; he can't tell her about the hell he's been through because of her absence.

How do you tell a girl you've taken for granted that you think of her first when you wake up and not the one that you're supposed to have feelings for, that the day seems brighter because you know that she'll be in it? How do you tell her she's the one who puts the entire world into perspective, saying things without thinking and yet just a single word holds more weight than any wise man's ever did? How do you tell her that even when you're with another, before you sleep it's her that you're thinking about seeing the next day? They say that falling in love with your best friend can be either the greatest experience or the worst tragedy. Toushirou learns firsthand that it's a little bit of both.

"Look at me, Karin." He purposely uses a commanding tone to wind her up so that she'll respond with the anger. "Don't you have something to tell me?"

He knows how cruel he sounds right now, coming virtually out of nowhere after Karin returns. Even more so, he understands why she has her guard up. Because she thinks he's always seen that pretty mask she put on, smiling jokingly and keeping her infinite cool in the face of his elation and subsequent fall for Momo. It's been a long time coming, she'd say with a laugh, petting his hair like the first time he saved her. But even then, he was sure he'd known exactly what he was doing; he was pushing her away with only a distorted sense of self-preservation to keep him warm.

At the time, he'd thought loving Hinamori had been a step in the right direction, like finding an oasis in the desert. What he hadn't learned yet was that his place in this universe hadn't even become real until the day Karin died, her first step into Soul Society bringing to life a purpose he hadn't know he was waiting for. And as the silence rings between them, Toushirou knows that he's still far and away from it but so much closer than he ever was before.

"We both know you love Hinamori." It's an automatic response that stings even as she says the words even when she expects it. Because he's humming treacherous words that have power to hurt her and he doesn't even seem to realize it.

"I do." Or maybe he does. After all, he speaks them so easily.

Gripping her hands into fists, she hunches over the edge of the table, head fallen forward as her arms brace herself. It was one thing to know about his love for another girl, but it was something else entirely to hear him say it. She hates the fact that he could admit it to her while knowing how she feels about him, without showing even the slightest bit of remorse.

And yet Toushirou finds a way to take away the pain while hitting her twice as hard. "But, I know I love you more."

"You're lying." It's her first reaction, her truest one, as she feels happiness that's not supposed to exist and anger that's always consumed her so readily. It's a change of heart without reason, enough to put any woman with half a brain at anxious attention. But he tears through her so quickly that she's surprised she can still argue.

"It's true. And you love me too."

"No, I don't."

"Maybe not yet, but you will."

Hatred finds its way to her face, her features twisted into a loathing snarl reserved for him and him alone. Damn Toushirou and his sureness, as he stares down at her and meets her with composure that has her growling. She isn't a puppet or a toy, nor does she fit into the perfect little world he sometimes tells her about, a time after his retirement that's all about peaceful living and calm after an eternity of blood baths.

That's not what she wants for herself because she's young, much younger than him or any of the other officers, and she's got so much more to do before she can even consider falling into such a dull life. They don't match, not even a little in their timing or their wants, but she'd learned to love him anyway, letting herself do so the moment that boy stepped onto the soccer field and took care of her in that bizarre, round-about way of his.

When he doesn't move to speak, she decides to do the same, packing together her materials before going out the door. She leaves him in the dark room, needing to reorder herself and work out her next strategy. Now the blacks and whites of their relationship are gone, turning shades of gray because he's awakened to a new world of possibilities she's afraid to even consider.

As she leaves, he doesn't chase her, knows that she needs to find the answers just like he did. As he puts out the lamp and exits the room, Toushirou knows that nothing will ever be the same from this point on, that their friendship is on the line and may be unsalvageable if the both of them can't strike an equilibrium again. But falling in love takes time and right now time is something they have. It's a second chance, and the two of them will learn to fall in love with each other at equal paces, side-by-side, just as they were always meant to.

I am your shadow in the dark, your mist in the clouds, always there but never seen.

But your eyes are turned towards the light that casts away evil, a bright sun shining down.

So who am I (to you)?

You're the only love worth fighting for.

AN: Done! This was just something I've been trying to get off my chest. It's almost-romance, but mostly that feelings of not quite being in love but very aware that two people are about to fall for one another. This came about because at the end of the last episode of Bleach (for now...?) there was a HitsuHina moment that made me go, :/. Honestly, nothing against that couple but they're really boring. I don't care how 'canon' it is. Besides even if they got together, they'd probably have to kill Momo off, just like how they killed Masaki, Hisana and Gin. (Seriously, Kubo-sensei just wants to sacrifice all the couples to further the plot.) :P

Anyway, umm, no sequel. I have no idea what this was (which is pretty much every piece I do LOL) so any insights you guys have, comments or questions (if you're anonymous, I'm not sure how I can answer you though...) are welcome. Review/Favorite/Alert at your leisure. Haha!

Thanks for reading everyone~