Title: The Diary
Author: Steph ([email protected])
Category: Drama/Romance
POV: Sydney/Vaughn(through diary entries)
Spoilers: All of season one.
Rating: PGArchive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of
a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Sydney tries to find comfort by reading Vaughn's diary, which leads her on a journey to say good-bye.
Note: Hey everyone! Trying something a little different. Vaughn will be referring to pretty much every moment that has affected his relationship with Sydney in his entries. I haven't always described every mission or person that he refers to, so sometimes he'll just start talking about Syd being somewhere or discussing some bad guy and it may not have been mentioned before. This is just because it would have taken too much time. But I do make enough of a reference in the passage that, if you've seen the episode, you should know what I am referring to and understand what he's saying. Just wanted to make that clear to everyone. Also, Sydney tells Weiss something in here about Vaughn that never happened on the show (that we know of at least). Just wanted you to know, so that you didn't think you missed something. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know what thought J ~Steph
* * * The Diary: Part 1/1* * *
After Danny died, I thought I'd never love again.
I didn't want to love again.
I couldn't bear the thought of losing someone again.
But then I met Vaughn.
I tried...I tried not to let my undeniable attraction to him grow into something more. I tried to fight it at every turn.
Then I learned there are some things you can't fight.
He became my confidant, the one person I could be completely honest with.
And I fell in love with him...every part of him. I fell in love with his honesty and loyalty...with his persistence and ability to just listen...with his patriotism and honor.
I fell in love with him, despite my attempts not to.
The love I felt for him was different from what I felt for Danny. With Danny, I always felt like he couldn't truly love me, not completely, and I couldn't love him entirely, because he didn't know the secrets I carried. I felt like he never knew the true me.
Vaughn did. And the love I felt for him was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
Then he died.
I watched as the man I loved was engulfed by water...water that seemed so lifelike it might as well have been a monster grabbing him and squeezing the breath out of him.
I watched, knowing he had done this for me. Risked everything, lost his life, for me.
And the guilt I felt, still feel, nearly swallowed me whole.
I wish I could go back and tell him how I felt. I wonder how he felt. Did he feel the same about me? I always suspected he did, but now I'll never know for sure.
* * *
I enter the warehouse, memories of the times Vaughn and I shared here rushing to the forefront of my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut and force them back into hiding.
I take a deep breath and round the corner. For a moment, I swear I see him standing there in the caged area, as usual. I swear I see him smiling at me...offering me one of those rare smiles I treasure so much now.
But it's just my imagination. As I get closer, I realize it's not him at all. It's Weiss.
I shouldn't be surprised; he's the one who paged me. But I guess a part of me still doesn't believe Vaughn's gone.
I come to stand in front of him and fold my arms across my chest. "I told Devlin I need time. I'm not ready to go back yet."
He nods, his eyes only meeting mine for a second before moving to the floor. "I know, that's not why I called you here."
I feel my forehead crease in confusion. "Then why?"
It's not until he lifts his left hand that I realize he'd been holding something all along. He holds a thin, blue leather bound book out to me. "I thought you might like to have this."
I lift my left hand up and remove the book from his grip. I stare at it quizzically for a moment before looking back up at him. "What is it?"
He takes a deep breath. "I was cleaning out Vaughn's apartment, so that his mother wouldn't have to do it. I came across this. It's a diary or a journal of some kind. I probably shouldn't have, but I flipped through it really quickly. I noticed that he mentioned you a lot." My eyes widen and he lowers his head. "I guess...I don't know, I didn't think that it was right for it to just get thrown in some closet, never to be seen again. I think he would have wanted you to have it."
I shake my head, "Why?"
He looks uncomfortable and shifts his feet. "Because there were things he wanted you to know, Sydney. There were things he wished he could tell you, but that he knew he couldn't. I just think that now that he's gone he would have wanted you to know how he felt about you."
I look down at the book and run my hand across the smooth leather. Vaughn kept a diary just like his father had. And this book may hold answers to the questions about our relationship that have plagued me.
I swallow hard, "I can't read this, Weiss. He wrote these words believing that no one would ever read them. These are his private thoughts and feelings."
He sighs, "Look, I can't tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you the chance to decide for yourself. But, for what it's worth, if the circumstances were any different, the things he wrote in that book he would have told you himself long ago. This job is the only thing that stood in his way."
He offers me one last look before walking past me. My voice stops him.
"Weiss?"
He turns around to face me. "Yeah?"
"He understood why you did what you did, he understood why you reported his suspicions about me to Devlin. He wasn't happy about it, but he understood and he didn't hold it against you."
His face seems to relax in relief, as if he's been carrying that burden for weeks.
He lowers his head, "Thank you."
I smile and hold up the book. "And thank you."
* * *
I curl up on the sofa with my glass of wine. I made it through another day.
That's what my life has become. Putting one foot in front of the other and making it through one day to the next.
I take a sip of the wine, my eyes landing on the book that lays on my coffee table. I lean forward, placing the glass on the table and picking up the book.
I know it's not right. I can't read this. Yet there is something inside of me that yearns to. There is something inside of me that is dying to read his words, to feel close to him again...to feel closer to him than I've ever felt before.
I open the book and flip it, my fingers running across the pages filled with ink. I stop on one page and trace the first word on it with my fingertip. The indentations the ink made on the page press against my skin and I close my eyes, trying to imagine him writing these words.
My eyes fly open. The only images I am able to conjure up are the same ones that have haunted me for weeks. His body being engulfed by water, the fear and helplessness in his eyes. And then him motioning for me to get out safely. Even in his dying moments, he put my safety above everything else.
I shake my head and wipe at a tear that had escaped. I look back down at the book. I can't help myself, I need to do this. If for no other reason than to feel as if he's with me again, even if it's just for a few fleeting moments.
I open up the book and turn to the first page. I begin to read and it's as if he's sitting write there next to me, saying the words. I can hear his voice.
09/30/01
I guess I don't really know how to start one of these things. My father kept one, but I'm not really sure how he went about it. The 'Dear Diary' thing doesn't seem to be right for me. In fact, I'd rather refer to this as a journal. I'm not really comfortable with the word 'diary'.
Anyway, for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I need one of these. Something happened today...I met someone and...I don't know, I just feel like things are about to change forever.
The first time I saw her, I actually thought she was crazy. She had this stupid bozo hair and her face was coated in a mixture of dirt and makeup. I wondered how this insane woman had managed to get into a CIA office building. Then I looked at her. I mean, really looked at her. I looked into her eyes and I saw a broken woman, who was fighting with all she had to keep her head above water.
I don't know what happened, but something just clicked inside me when I saw her. I'm not even sure what it was. But, whatever it was, I suppose it was partially responsible for me turning the picture of Alice away from her. For some reason, I didn't want her to see Alice.
We talked for a bit and I realized that this woman is incredibly smart. There's no getting anything past her. She spoke with a determination and decisiveness that I knew she could more than back up. After she left, I read some of what she wrote. Not all of it, because it was, like, Tolstoy long, but I read enough. I read enough to know that today I may have met the most amazing woman to ever walk this earth. I was stunned by her strength, courage, intelligence and sheer perseverance. This woman has been to hell and back and, when most people would have let it tear them apart, break them down, she let it drive her. She walked into the office of the man who had her fiancé killed and made a declaration of loyalty, and then came to us to make a pledge to destroy him.
I know that we will accept her and make her a part of the CIA. We'd be crazy not to. This woman can change everything.
10/12/01
Sydney and I got off to a rocky start today. She seemed to think that she knew exactly how to go about destroying SD-6. I had to tell her she had no idea. I showed her how extensive SD-6 is. I told her that it is going to be a long, hard battle to destroy them. She thought she'd be done in a couple of months and then forget this spy stuff. I hated telling her that this is a long-term thing. I felt like I was wiping away years of her life.
I gave her a smiley Band-Aid, as if that could make everything all right.
10/15/01
I met Sydney at a convenience store today. This was our first public meeting. I realized I've begun to anticipate our meetings. It felt strange being with her in public, but having to pretend like I didn't know her. This may prove to be one of the most difficult aspects of our relationship.
I offered her a Slush-O. I don't know why I did that.
10/17/01
Weiss is a prick. He seriously is. He was getting all over me today about Sydney. He reminded me that my girlfriend's name is Alice. What the hell is that about? All I was doing was reading Sydney's file...again. He asked me if I'd heard anything from her and I said I didn't expect to until she got back. Seemed perfectly innocent to me. I don't know what his problem is. Of course I know my own girlfriend's name is Alice.
Oh, Alice! Damn it! I forgot we had a date tonight! I'm late.
10/20/01
I convinced Devlin to give Sydney more time about this whole Ivanov thing. Weiss heard me and nicknamed me 'Balls of Steel'. How's that for a nice nickname? My mother would be proud. I guess he's just not used to seeing me go out on a limb for an agent I handle. Neither am I.
10/23/01
The worst thing possible happened today. I was pulled off as Sydney's handler because they want someone with more experience. Damn it! We were just beginning to get into a rhythm, we were learning how to trust each other. She was beginning to trust me. And I was beginning to...get used to seeing her.
What now?
10/24/01
I told Sydney I was being replaced as her handler. It was harder than I thought it would be. I can't be sure, but I think she may have been disappointed. I felt like I was letting her down. I felt like I was being added to the list of people who had disappointed her in her life. I was hoping to never make that list.
I was also told that Lambert would be taking over as her handler. Lambert. This guy is the biggest jackass to ever walk the earth. A conceited, selfish, chauvinistic pig. He actually made a comment about not kicking Sydney out of bed after seeing her picture. If I didn't value my job, I would have knocked his teeth down his throat for saying that about her. He doesn't know anything about her. He doesn't deserve to.
Weiss got on me about my reaction to Lambert being assigned as Sydney's handler. He said I was jealous, that I was upset he'd get to see her now and I wouldn't. That was...only partially true. I admit it. I'd gotten used to seeing her, I looked forward to it. But I was also worried about her safety. This Anna Espinosa lady is dangerous and she needs someone she can trust, not someone who is trying to ride Sydney to a promotion. If he does anything to get her hurt...
10/27/01
Sydney got me promoted. She took an immediate disliking of Lambert and refused to give the CIA anymore information unless I was put back on as her handler and promoted to Senior Officer. So I was.
I can't even express how happy I was to get a chance to see her again. She called me her guardian angel. I guess, in some ways, I am. I am there to look out for her, make sure she stays safe.
My biggest fear is that someday I will fail her.
10/29/01
She thought I was married! This whole time she thought I was married! I can't believe...how much that bothers me. Why does that bother me so much? I have a girlfriend. We are far from married, but I am attached. So what if she thought I was married?
How the hell did she know I had a fight with my girlfriend? I swear this girl has some freaky ESP thing going on. It's like she can read me. She knew something was going on. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
10/30/01
She called me tonight and she sounded terrible. I rushed right out of the restaurant and left Alice sitting there all by herself. I couldn't get to her fast enough. God help me, I couldn't get to her fast enough.
This is isn't my job. I'm not supposed to talk to her about her personal problems, I'm not supposed to rush to be by her side. I could get into trouble for this. But what am I supposed to do? How can I push her away?
I listened to her talk about how her father had stood her up and my heart broke. I can't understand why he doesn't see what I do: That he has an amazing daughter, who deserves to have everything she desires. Why can't he see that when it's so clear to me?
She was broken tonight. Everything seemed to be falling apart at once for her. Her father standing her up, a friend dying who thought he was working for the good guys. She said she felt lost, like she was losing her mind. All I could do was tell her the truth. That I believe in her and that she can't let this dark world darken her. I told her she could call me whenever she needed to. And I meant it.
I don't know what it is, but I feel a need to protect her. She doesn't need my protection. Hell, she could kick my ass. But she needs something that no one else can give her. She needs someone she can confide in; someone she can tell all of her fears and doubts to; someone who will listen and tell her it will be all right. I'm that person.
She grabbed my hand tonight. I think that's the first real physical contact we've had. I can't even explain it, but there was something there when she touched me. I felt something, something I know I shouldn't be feeling for her. I felt like she was holding onto me for dear life...and I never wanted her to let go.
11/02/01
I gave Sydney her father's personnel file today. I wish I could tell her that her father is a good man, a loyal patriot of his country, but I fear that he is not. If it turns out that he has been working against this country, I'm not sure what it will do to Sydney. She so desperately wants to believe that he is that man. Eventhough she's experienced so much in her short life, there's a part of Sydney that is still an innocent little girl who wants to believe her daddy is the bravest, most honorable man on earth. Maybe she needs to hold onto that image of him because he's already disappointed her in so many other ways.
11/06/02
Sydney liked my bogus website idea. I think she was a little surprised it was my idea. I think I showed her today that I am capable of doing more than relay messages from my superiors. I don't know why, but it felt incredibly good to receive validation from her. I guess I crave her approval. I value her opinion and want her to respect me as an agent. I never really cared what the people I work with thought about me before. But I care with her.
11/10/01
I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do with Sydney today. I had to tell her that her father might have sold secrets. I felt terrible. I felt like I was tearing her whole world a part, piece by piece, until nothing was left.
Sometimes I hate my job.
11/12/01
Sydney was crushed about Badenweiler. She blamed herself. She thought she should have done something to stop Dixon. Sometimes I wonder how she manages to get up in the morning. She seems to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. I could see this crushing her spirit, making her question everything she's worked so hard for. All I could do was tell her it wasn't her fault and that those men died as heroes. All I could offer her were empty words. And all I wanted to do was take her in my arms.
We also discussed her mother's death. She said it wasn't an accident and it wouldn't have happened if her father wasn't KGB. She wanted to report him, but I said no. Then she accused me of not thinking anything is unacceptable. It was the first time she looked at me with question in her eyes. It hurt me to believe that she actually thinks of me in that way. I'm not that man, but the job forces me to act like I am sometimes. I just hope she can see that.
11/14/01
She told her father about our suspicions when I specifically told her not to. Then she said I don't know what it's like to lose a parent and I couldn't possibly understand her actions. So I told her the truth. I told her that my father was a CIA agent who was killed when I was eight. I guess I just wanted her to see that I understand what it's like to have your world turned upside down. I know what it's like to want the person responsible to pay for his or her actions. And I know what it's like to accept the fact that that may never happen.
11/16/01
I went to the funeral for the CIA agents killed at Badenweiler today. It was as if I was back in that day again. I was that eight year old boy again, trying his best not to cry because it was frowned upon.
And then I saw him. A little boy who could have been me. He was burying his father, tears streaming down his cheeks. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. I told him his father was a hero. And he was, as was mine. But those words didn't change anything for me when they were uttered all of those years ago and they won't change anything for that little boy.
A 'hero' is an abstract concept. You can attach concrete situations and characteristics to it and try to make it tangible, but it remains little more than a word. Heroes die too soon. That's what I learned. All I ever wanted was my father, the man. I didn't want a hero. I would have rather had a fallible man alive as a father, than an idolized hero dead.
11/17/01
I met Jack Bristow today. Damn, that man is scary! The guy's idea of a handshake is to break your arm.
Anyway, I met with him to discuss extracting Sydney out of the asylum. I'm really worried about her. We haven't heard anything and I think something might be wrong. He didn't want to listen to anything I said. He told me I am not wise and that I basically don't deserve to breathe the same air as he does. And the guy actually had the nerve to accuse me of thinking that Sydney gets up every morning, works as a double, in order to see me. That's how little he thinks of me. Then, to top it all off, he accuses me of pulling his file to impress Sydney. Who does this guy think he is? I am just doing my job.
Yes, I care about Sydney. Yes, I look forward to our meetings. Yes, I want her to respect me as an agent. But I have no illusions about our relationship. I know what he was implying, he was implying that I'm making it too personal with Sydney. But he's wrong.
11/22/01
Sydney returned home safely. I met with her today. She told me that Sheperd is alive. She considered lying to me, but said she can't stand lying to anyone else. For some reason, that makes me happy. I like knowing that I'm someone she doesn't feel the need or desire to lie to. I like knowing that sometimes I'm the only person she can tell certain things to. I wonder how she does it though. How can she stand going through life telling lie after lie to the people she loves? I'll never be able to understand how hard that is.
I told her I was worried about her while she was gone. She assumed I was speaking for the CIA; she said she knows they don't want to lose a valuable asset. I made it clear that I was worried about her. Me. I was and it had nothing at all do with the CIA's interests. I was worried about her safety because...I like her. As a person. That's about all I'm ready to admit. I know there's more to it, but I'm just not ready to sort out those feelings yet.
Maybe Jack was right about me. Maybe I am beginning to make this too personal.
11/27/01
I told Sydney that Alice and I broke up over Thanksgiving today. She expressed regret about hearing that, but there was something in her eyes...I don't know.
Alice. This had been building for a while. She'd become increasingly irritated by my long hours at work and my terrible habit of canceling dates or, worse, running out during a date. I think the last straw was when I left her sitting in the middle of a restaurant and went off to meet with Sydney at the pier. I could never tell Alice much about my job, but she knew that I handle different agents. I think she also knew that this agent was different. When I got home that night, she accused me of putting Sydney first. She accused me of caring more about Sydney's well-being than hers. I opened my mouth to refute what she'd said, but no words came out.
Truth is, Alice was right. I care very deeply about Sydney's emotional and physical well-being. Too deeply for my own good. And it's going to get me in trouble.
After that night, we went through the motions, but I think we both knew it was over. On Thanksgiving, she didn't go with me to my mother's and we both realized what it meant. The last thing she said to me as I left was: "I guess I knew for sure it was over when you answered your phone at dinner the other night and it was her. Your eyes have never lit up like that at the sound of my voice."
My mouth just hung open at that comment and then I realized she was right.
12/02/01
I prepped Sydney for her SD-6 lie detector test today. I also did something really stupid. I couldn't help myself. I asked her if she was romantically interested in anyone. Her score jumped up and she wanted to redo it. I told her I already had my answer. Oh God, I am an idiot. Do I want to get my ass fired? 'Cause that is exactly what will happen if Devlin finds out that...I am romantically interested in her. There. I wrote it. Now it's out there and I can't deny it any longer. I am romantically interested in Sydney Bristow. There's also a chance that she now suspects I am romantically interested in her, considering my little question.
I am so screwed.
12/05/01
Sydney thinks she failed the lie detector test. I told her that if she really thinks she failed, then we can pull her out. I told her that her life is the most important thing. Of course, she refused. I am so scared for her. I know that I shouldn't have been so quick to offer to pull her out, Devlin would kill me if he knew I'd made that offer without knowing more, but I couldn't help it.
All I want is for her to be safe. That's the most important thing to me and that's my problem. It's not for the CIA, it's for purely selfish reasons. I'm not quite sure what I'd do if anything happened to her. The scary thing is that her fate largely rests in my hands and I'm not so sure that my feelings for her won't end up endangering her life. I'm not always thinking clearly when I make decisions regarding her. I'm letting my personal feelings cloud my judgment. My need to protect her could be the very thing that causes her harm.
12/09/01
Sydney was very shaken up about Dixon's injury. I tried to comfort her the best I could, I tried to assure her that he'd be okay. But they were just empty words, as usual. I don't know if he will be okay and my saying that he would did nothing to comfort her. God, every time I look into her pain-filled eyes, I just want to take her in my arms and hold her forever. But I can't. I'm the only person she can tell these things to and I can only offer her empty words. It's not enough. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
12/11/01
Sydney left today to try to get us some account numbers that'll help with Hassan. I told her to call as soon as she got back. She assumed I met with the account numbers. I told her no...to call with or without the numbers.
I know. I know. I just...couldn't help it. The truth is, I don't sleep at night when I know she's on a mission. I try, I really do, I just can't. I toss and turn all night, wondering if she's okay. I keep imagining all of the horrible scenarios of what could go wrong and I can't fall asleep. I've become an insomniac because of Sydney Bristow. I guess I can thank her for my food dehydrator and Thigh Master. I'm now an infomercial junkie.
I can't sleep a wink until I hear her voice on the other end of the phone and I know that she is safe and sound.
12/13/01
Tonight was the most nerve-wracking of my entire life. I learned that SD-6 had made Sydney and put a hit out on her. I informed Jack and told him I wanted to extract her. He told me to wait. He thought that Sloane was bluffing and that he was just testing her loyalty. I couldn't believe he'd risk her life like that. I couldn't understand how her own father could put her in danger. I almost went against him, I came so close. But I didn't and we watched as the she made the drop without incident and passed the test of loyalty. I don't think I breathed the whole time. I couldn't.
And when the whole thing was over, I realized the possible consequences of my actions. If I had acted, if I'd had the team extract her and interrupt the drop, I would have exposed her. I would have blown her cover. I would have been responsible for her death.
I came so close. And it was all because I couldn't look at the situation objectively. I couldn't assess it properly because my feelings for her got in the way. I was so concerned with making sure she was safe, that I didn't take the time to determine what the best thing was to do. I just acted. I could have gotten her killed. If not for her father...she would be dead, because of me.
I have to stop this. I have to find a way to keep my feelings for Sydney from interfering with doing my job well. I have to find a way to separate the two. I have to...for her sake and mine.
12/20/01
Okay, so I took a giant step backwards today in my quest to stop my feelings for Sydney from interfering with my job. Well, what I did didn't interfere with me doing my job, but I know I shouldn't have done it. I know, I know, I know. It was so stupid.
I gave Sydney a Christmas gift. I don't know what possessed me. I saw it and it reminded me of her. Okay, okay, so I kind of went looking for something for her. It's not like I usually frequent antique stores. I just wanted to get her something that had a past and was all the more beautiful because of it. That's kind of how I think of her, as corny as it may sound. I think that all of Sydney's experiences, all of the pain, has made her a stronger, better person. It's made her into the most amazing woman I've ever met. So, when I saw the antique silver frame, I thought of her and I bought it. God, I am in trouble.
She also apologized for calling on the weekend and I told her she never has to apologize for needing to talk. Could I be any more obvious? She has to know I have feelings for her, she has to suspect something. She probably thinks I am some pig, who wants to take advantage of her when she's at her most vulnerable. Far from it. I just want to take care of her.
01/06/02
Today was the hardest day of my career. I had to dash the hopes of a woman who has already lost so much. Sydney was telling me how impressed she was with her father's actions against Hassan in Cuba. I could tell they had really connected. She seemed so proud of him, so proud to be his daughter. The happiness in her eyes and the excitement in her voice as she told me nearly broke my heart, because I knew that I was about to shatter her perception of her father forever.
I showed Sydney evidence today, her mother's book with codes, that proves her father worked for the KGB and was responsible for the deaths of more than a dozen CIA officers. She didn't want to believe me and she looked absolutely shocked. All I could do was say that I was going to report him.
There are days I hate my job so much I'd just like to quit.
1/10/02
I asked Sydney to report her father. How could I ask her to do that? I guess...It's just that this is personal. I accused her of being selfish, of not realizing that her father killed real people and destroyed many other lives in the process. As soon as I said those words, I regretted them. I know she doesn't feel that way. I saw her eyes flood with hurt and I hated knowing I had caused it.
To make matters worse, I recorded our conversation. I knew she wouldn't want to report her father, so I recorded it to play for Devlin and to use in court. I just stood there the whole time knowing I was betraying her. And I felt terrible. I wanted to be the one person she could always trust. I don't know if I can go through with using it.
1/18/02
I told Sydney I recorded our conversation today. I just started playing it and when she heard her voice...she was shocked. I can't even describe how bad I felt. She deserved better and I'm glad I realized that before I made a horrible mistake. Although she didn't say so, I think I may have lost some of her trust in me today. I can't say I blame her. I just hope she understands why I did it. I explained to her that this is personal to me too. I told her that my father was one of the agents her father killed. She agreed to meet with Devlin after I said that.
1/24/02
I almost lost her today. I came so close to losing her today. Sydney went to Hassan's weapon silo. He gave her the wrong entry code, which resulted in gas filling the room. He said he would only give me the right code if I got Devlin to sign a paper ensuring that his family would be allowed into the witness protection program. I put a gun to his head and I would have killed him if it would have saved Sydney. I've never killed anyone before, but I would have for her. Unfortunately, Hassan knew that my killing him would surely result in her death, so I had to give in. I hauled ass up three flights of stairs to get to Devlin in time. I've never run so fast in my life; I've never been so scared before in my life. I just wanted her to be okay. Fortunately, she was.
And all of that made me realize something today. I guess it took almost losing her for me to finally admit this to myself.
I am in love with Sydney Bristow.
I'm also totally and completely screwed.
1/29/02
We just had our meeting with Devlin to discuss Jack, but things didn't go at all like I had planned. The meeting was run by Jack. And he told Sydney that her mother was the KGB agent who killed those agents. Her mother was the one who killed my father.
I sat in that room for what seemed like hours afterwards, completely stunned. Sydney had told me about her mother. She was a kind, loving teacher, who appeared to adore her daughter. I guess I should know by now that appearances can be deceiving. It's so weird to think that the mother of the woman I am in love with killed my father. How twisted is that? They look alike, too. Sydney showed me a picture of her once. They have the same smile, eyes and bone structure. I just keep thinking that the last face my father saw is one that looks so much like the face I have come to love...A face I have dreamt of, one whose features I have memorized. It's just...unbelievable.
And how is she supposed to deal with all of this? How do you go about accepting the fact that the mother you've loved and adored for years, was not what she seemed? And, to make matters worse, Sydney has to look at the face of the son of one of her mother's victim nearly everyday. This is going to tear her apart. This could tear us apart.
Somehow, it was different thinking it was her father who had killed my father. We both knew that her father was a part of this life and it just made it easier to accept. But it is much harder to accept that it was her mother. I think it will be much harder for Sydney, too. She looked up to her mother; I think she aspired to be like her. What is this going to do to her? And how is this going to change our relationship? Will she ever look at me the same again? I have to make her understand that I don't blame her in any way, that I don't hold her responsible in the least for her mother's actions. I'm meeting with her later today.
I'm back. I just met with Sydney and...I'm a complete mess. I mean, look at me? I'm writing in my journal for the second time today, when I should be working. I never do that. If Weiss ever found out about this, he'd never stop giving me grief over it.
Anyway, I met with Sydney and she was devastated about her mother. She feels like everything was a lie, the memories of a kind, loving mother have been shattered, as if they never even existed in the first place. I listened to her talk and all I wanted to do was take away her pain. She doesn't deserve this. She deserves love and honesty. Why can't she just be allowed to be happy, even for a moment?
She told me she was sorry about her mother killing my father. I wanted to tell her that it's not her place to apologize, but I knew she needed to. I couldn't find the right words to bring her any comfort, so I did the one thing I shouldn't have and the one thing I've wanted to do for far too long: I pulled her into my arms and I held her.
Right before I did it, I could hear a voice in my head saying 'No, don't, you idiot', but I couldn't help it. We both needed that. It was an awkward hug, I'll admit. I think both of us realized it was considered inappropriate and we felt uncomfortable with the physical contact that we've avoided for so long. I don't know how something can feel so strange and so completely right at the same time. It felt so right, so good to hold her in my arms. I never wanted to let go. She fit perfectly, like they were made to hold her. Maybe they were.
After the hug, she told me she wanted to quit. She said she wanted something, someone, real in her life. I told her that what we do is real, but she said look where we are. She's right. Our whole relationship is based on pretenses. I wish things were different. I wish we could be seen together in public. I wish we could be more. And, you know what? She does, too. For the first time, I got a real indication that Sydney has deeper feelings for me.
She knew I liked the Kings. She saw the pen I keep in my briefcase. I was so surprised. I didn't think she noticed any small details about me. It was like she was trying to learn more about me without asking. She cared enough to pay attention. And then she did something that shocked, delighted and then saddened me. She asked me to go to a Kings' game with her. I was stunned at first. When I got over that, I was completely ecstatic. She wanted to do something with me. Something real, something in public, something that could be considered a date. Maybe she only wanted to do it as a declaration of independence, of the freedom she'd have if she left SD-6, but I think there was more to it. I think she truly wanted to be with me. And I wanted nothing more than to say yes, to shout it from the rooftops. But I couldn't. I had to contain my happiness and tell her that she couldn't do it. As much as I wanted it, she couldn't leave SD-6 and she knew it. I couldn't let her risk her life like that.
She was offering me the one thing I've wanted for what seems like forever and I turned her down. I may be the stupidest man to have ever walked this planet...or maybe this really is love.
It's me...again. What can I say? A lot's happened today and, somehow, this helps me digest it all. I just met with Barnett, our friendly neighborhood shrink. Yeah, right. That lady's so cold I think I saw penguins standing in the corner of her office. Anyway, I was forced into the meeting by Devlin. Apparently, he is questioning my relationship with Sydney. He thinks our relationship may be inappropriate, as Barnett so kindly informed me. I'm thinking he wouldn't have liked that hug we shared earlier today. He's right, I guess. I suppose we have crossed a line, at least I probably have. I'm sure it says somewhere in the CIA handbook that handlers are not to fall in love with their agents. I can't be sure, but I bet it's in there somewhere. And I know I'm not supposed to meet with her to discuss her personal life, but how can I push her away? How can I look into her pain-filled eyes and not want to do something to comfort her? I'm the only one who can and I can't just pretend like I don't care. I'm not built that way.
Oh and I guess giving gifts is also against the rules. Yeah, Barnett knew about the Christmas gift I gave Sydney. I knew that one would come back to bite me in the ass at some point. It was Haladki who told her. I knew it. I kind of went after him when I realized it was him. Threatened to kick his ass. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to kick his weaselly (is that a word?) ass. If Weiss hadn't shown up, I'm not sure what would have happened.
The funny thing is though...he's right. They're all right. Devlin, Barnett, Haladki. They're all right. I am too attached to Sydney. Hell, I'm in love with her. And my first priority is keeping her safe, not protecting the interests of the agency. I know that my feelings for her cloud my judgment sometimes. I know it. But I also can't help it. I'd do anything for her.
01/30/02
Damn, I am tired. Everything I am about to relate also happened yesterday, the longest day ever. Like I hadn't been through enough, I had to go put myself through even more. I was too damn tired to write in this again last night, so here it goes.
McKennas Cole, a former and disgruntled SD-6 employee, took over the building yesterday. Sydney and her father went in to try to save their friends and colleagues. I didn't know for sure if Sydney was in there, but I could feel it. I knew she was in danger and I knew that she would do anything to save the people she cared for. As soon as I found out, I went to Devlin. I told him we had to send a team in. He told me we had to wait until we got confirmation. I couldn't believe he would risk the life of two of our agents. I couldn't believe he would risk the life of Sydney. That answer wasn't good enough for me. So, I did the stupidest thing I could do: I disobeyed orders and went there myself. I knew I could lose my job over this, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was getting Sydney out of there safe and sound.
I saw her car when I got there and I touched the hood. My heart sank. I guess I had been holding onto a shred of hope that she wasn't in there. It still felt warm, so I knew she'd gotten there recently. Then I saw a white van. I knew it was one of Cole's men. I went to it and fought the man inside. I killed him. I've never killed anyone before and I didn't have time to feel anything when it happened. But I've had time now and I'm not sure there's any way to really describe what it feels like to know you took someone's life. I know that he was one of the 'bad guys', but I'm sure he had people who loved him just like anyone else and they will feel his loss very deeply. I know what that feels like and now I am responsible for inflicting that kind of pain on others. I never want to know this feeling again. I guess now I have some idea of what Sydney goes through, almost on a daily basis. She doesn't usually use force that would necessarily kill someone, but I'm sure there have been times when she may have. It must be terrible never knowing if you just ended someone's life; I think that must be worse, the not knowing. She has to move so quickly, that she probably never knows for sure. I think that would drive me crazy. I don't know how she does it.
It didn't take long for me to find her. She wasn't a hostage, she was working to free everyone. I admit to breathing a huge sigh of relief the moment I saw that she was safe and unharmed. And then I got to work with her. For the first time, I really got to see Sydney Bristow in action, up close and personal. She was simply amazing. We had this moment when we were trying to deactivate the C-4. We both said we had steady hands and, God help me, if I didn't let my mind wander at the thought of that. Yeah, that's right, I'm mere inches away from an insane amount of a deadly compound and I choose that moment to...well, let's just say I wasn't thinking with my head. I seriously need someone to smack some sense into me.
Cole found out about Sydney before we deactivated all of the C-4 and forced her out of hiding by threatening everyone. I knew she'd go. That's how she is. She couldn't sit back and let anyone get hurt, even though she could have been walking to her death. My stomach turned into a million knots. I knew I had to do something, so I called Weiss and we brought a team in. Cole tried to get away and we stopped him. We also got our hands on a Rambaldi solution and SD-6 has no idea.
It was all thanks to Sydney. She actually thanked me for coming. She didn't need to thank me. If she only knew I'd do anything for her. I told her that hockey can wait, that what she is doing here is too important. I do believe that, but those words were hard to say. I don't want hockey to wait and I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
02/04/02
I saw Sydney today and told her that I just got a slap on the wrist from Devlin. Thank God. I'm not sure what I would have done if I weren't allowed to see her again.
I noticed she was sore after the Cole situation, but you couldn't tell because, as she put it, she was wearing a pound of makeup. After she said that, I started thinking about the life she lives. I think that pretty much represents her life. She is constantly having to conceal the pain from others. She has to act as if nothing is wrong and just go on. I don't know how she does it, but I think it's amazing.
02/08/02
I did something I shouldn't have done today. That seems to be my mantra lately. I just couldn't help myself, I wanted to make myself clear to her. I guess I wanted her to know how I feel about her, to some degree at least.
I told her I'd like to be with her in public, to actually get to look at her. I threw it out there and she smiled at me. I think she truly feels the same way. Truth is, I'd give just about anything to get to look at her in public without fearing that someone would see us. Sometimes all I can think about is looking at that beautiful face of hers.
02/18/02
I'm an ass. I seriously am. I did something today that goes against everything I believe in as a person, but something I had to do as an agent. I asked Sydney to use her relationship with Emily to plant a bug at Sloane's house. I can't get the look in her eyes as I asked that out of my head. She got so angry with me and she had every right to. But I had no choice, it was a great opportunity and I'd have been a fool to pass it up. I'm not so sure that will help me sleep tonight though.
02/23/02
Well, Sydney did what I asked. She got herself invited over to Emily's for dinner. And, once again, I did something I shouldn't have. I asked her if she was taking someone to dinner with her. I'm not sure what possessed me. What did I expect to gain from that? Did I expect her to say: 'Why no, Agent Vaughn, care to join me?' I'm a schmuck. Maybe I just wanted her to know that, if the circumstances were any different, I'd be more than happy to accompany her anywhere. Or maybe I wanted her to feel guilty about taking someone else.
Like I said, I'm not sure what possessed me. Actually, I take that back. I do know what possessed me.
Her name is Sydney Bristow.
02/25/02
Oh dear Lord, help me. I just saw Sydney looking absolutely amazing and I think I may have stopped breathing. I arranged for Jack and I to meet with her before the dinner and she came all dressed up. I blatantly checked her out. Luckily, neither one of them noticed.
She looked so beautiful. I'm used to seeing her in casual clothes, or running clothes, or business attire. On occasion, I've even seen her in the sexy clothing she wears while on a mission. Well, I haven't personally seen her, just on a monitor. And she always looks amazing, no matter what she's wearing. But today...I don't know...she took my breath away. Half of her hair was pulled back and out of her face and the rest was falling around her shoulders. She was wearing this great black dress. Not too revealing, but enough to show off her gorgeous body. She looked like an angel. I know that sounds corny, but she did. She looked innocent and pure. After all she's been through, she still has the ability to look innocent and pure. And that's simply amazing.
Then she said she was taking Will. I was surprised and jealous. I don't know Will, but, from what I've heard, he has a thing for Sydney. I didn't like the fact that she invited him. I tried to hide my jealousy, but I'm not sure how well I did.
Before she left, I told her she looked pretty. I think that was the understatement of the year. She smiled when I said that. This big, beautiful smile and my heart ached because I knew that I wasn't the man who would be sitting beside her that night...That I might never be that man. I watched as she left me behind to go to another man and I wondered if Will knows how lucky he is to be able to share those times with Sydney.
03/04/02
I don't know what to make of this. Rambaldi drew a sketch of a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Sydney. She doesn't want to believe it looks like her; she thinks it's impossible. I don't know what to think, but I have a very bad feeling about this. I'm scared for her.
03/10/02
I had to tell Sydney that she is being investigated by the DSR. There was a prophecy attached to that picture and they believe it could refer to Sydney. I know that whatever it says it can't be good or they wouldn't be acting like this. I think she's in serious trouble and I don't know what to do.
03/11/02
Sydney agreed to be tested, physically and mentally, to determine if she is a match for the woman in the prophecy. I couldn't do anything. All I could do was watch. I felt so helpless. So useless. They're going after Sydney and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
03/12/02
I met with Sydney today, at her request. She doesn't want to feel helpless about this situation. In true Sydney fashion, she wants to take control. She thinks they could be reading the prophecy wrong, so she wants to find the original code key. And she wants me to help her. She said she needed someone she could trust. I can't even explain how happy it made me to know that I am that person for her. She asked me to break into the Vatican with her. And this is what I said: 'Yeah, I'll break into the Vatican with you'. She's the only person that I could say something so ridiculous to and have it sound so incredibly normal. I can't wait to work with her...In Italy of all places, probably the most romantic country in the world. How the hell am I supposed to concentrate on work when I am with the woman I love in such an amazing setting?
03/15/02
It was incredible working with Sydney. We worked together during the Cole takeover, but this was different for some reason. I really got to see how she takes control of a situation and I got to see her kick some ass, which, by the way, is about the sexiest thing I've ever laid eyes on.
While there, I kind of...well, I kind of asked Sydney out. I mean, I did it really smoothly; I told her that my favorite restaurant, Trattoria de Nardi, is actually in Rome. I made it seem like the food is so good that we just had to go there. The truth is, the food is amazing, but I just wanted an excuse to be alone with Sydney. Of course, we didn't have time and we couldn't take the risk, but I sure wish we could have.
We promised to go to that restaurant the next time we're in Rome. I hope there are a lot of next times and I think she does, too. I'd love to be with her in one of the most romantic places in the world and just be able to spend time with her, no worries.
I'm back...I can't believe this is happening. They've taken Sydney into custody. Turns out, they were reading the prophecy correctly and Sydney is a perfect match for the DNA anomalies that Rambaldi says the woman has. The prophecy says that the woman will bring about great destruction. They think it's referring to Sydney.
How is that possible? Don't they have any idea what she's done to help this country? How could they possibly think that she would do anything to harm it? They don't know her like I do. But my word won't do a damn thing. I have to figure out a way to help her and fast.
03/16/02
I met with Jack today. He said that they could hold Sydney without charges for the rest of her life. This is unfathomable. All because of a stupid prophecy that was written 500 hundred years ago. It has absolutely no merit. No one can convince me that Sydney is anything but a patriot for her country. I know her.
03/18/01
I came up with an idea to get Sydney out of this. It was driving me crazy. I just had to think of something. And then it hit me. The prophecy said that the woman had never seen Mt. Sabacio. So, I figured we could break Sydney out and send her to Italy where she would see the mountain. Then that would prove the prophecy is not about her and it would clear her name. Jack thought it could work and we made plans to break her out.
Sydney was upset with us at first, thinking that turning her into a fugitive would make matters worse, but we explained that they could detain her indefinitely. I then put her in the trunk of my car and drove her to the point where she would take off to meet the plane. She asked me if I ever thought the prophecy might be right. I could honestly tell her that I hadn't. I told her that I didn't because I believe in her...and did she think I would throw just anyone in my trunk? I added that last part in to lighten the moment.
I do believe in her. I believe in her more than I've ever believed in anyone or anything in my entire life. And, I'll admit, that's scary. It's difficult to have that much faith in someone because you are constantly waiting for them disappoint you, make you realize that you were wrong to believe in them. But I don't think that will happen with Sydney. I've seen her do unbelievable things and I know that I've placed my faith in the right hands.
03/20/02
Sydney didn't make it to Mt. Sabacio right away. She drove her car into the water because the cops were chasing her and then stayed underwater until they left. She breathed using the air from the tires. That helped her realize that her mother did the same thing during her supposed death. She thinks or, rather, knows in her gut, that her mother is alive. She thinks the prophecy refers to her mother and she wants to find her.
She called me in the middle of the night when she got back and we met to discuss finding her mother. I wore a white t-shirt and leather jacket to my meeting with Sydney. Not exactly my normal business attire. No, I was not trying out for "Grease". I just...well, Sydney never gets to see me in anything but a suit and tie or jogging clothes. I kind of wanted her to see that there is a relaxed and, dare I say, cool side to me. And, if I do say so myself, I look damn good in that leather jacket. Plus, what should I have done? Throw on a suit in the middle of the night?
Anyway, Sydney wants to find her mother and she asked for my help. I told her that I don't have a neutral point of view on this and that I don't have access to the CIA information she needs. I had to tell her I couldn't help this time. It was a difficult thing to do. I know that she needs to do this and I really can't help her, but it was still hard for me. I want to understand why she needs to find her mother. It's a difficult thing for me to reconcile. I know she has questions, but all I can think of is that her mother killed my father. I'm torn between supporting the woman I love and honoring the memory of a man I adored.
04/01/02
Damn it! I knew this would happen at some point. There's a man in her life. Noah Hicks. Former SD-6 agent. She admitted to me that they once dated. I could tell it was much deeper than she let on. She said that she kept it under the radar, because SD-6 discourages fraternizing among agents. You know what I said to that? So does the CIA. Yeah, that was the green-eyed monster in me rearing it's ugly head. I guess I just wanted to remind her that if it wasn't for this job then we could be so much more. I think she wants more, I really do. I guess, now that Noah's in the picture, I didn't want her to forget that...forget me.
Noah Hicks. What the hell kind of name is that anyway?
04/06/02
I met with Sydney today and, just as she was about to leave, I asked her how her operation went with Noah. I just couldn't help myself. I tried so hard not to ask, but I just had to know. I stammered and was nearly incoherent. She must have been wondering what was wrong with me. Truth is, I didn't give a damn about how the operation went. Well, I did, but that wasn't my reason for asking. I wanted to gauge her reaction to the question. My heart sank at her reaction. She gave me this great big smile and I just knew they had rekindled their relationship. It made my insides burn thinking about another man kissing Sydney, holding her, making...okay, let's not go there. Damn it.
I think I may have lost her without ever really having her.
04/09/02
I met with Sydney today and something just wasn't right. I knew something was wrong and I asked her to tell me, but she said she was fine. She lied to me. I can't remember when she's ever lied to me before. Something was wrong and my only guess is that it had something to do with Noah. She's shutting me out. She used to be able to confide in me about her personal life, but she doesn't feel comfortable talking about Noah. Is it because of the feelings she suspects I have? Surely, she must realize by now that my feelings extend beyond agent/handler and friendship. I've done enough and said enough to at least make her suspect. Maybe she was sparing me. Whatever the reason, I don't like how it feels to be shut out of her life. I could tell she was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help. That's a feeling I can't stand and hope not to repeat.
04/11/02
Today I found out that Sydney was in danger and there wasn't a damn thing I could do. She was in the same place as the Snowman and I had no way of getting in touch with her. I know the Snowman's reputation and I feared for her life. The time I spent waiting to hear from her were the longest hours of my life. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she got in touch, but I wasn't ready for what she told me. The Snowman was Noah and she had killed him. I can't imagine what this is going to do to her; I just hope I can find something helpful to say.
04/14/02
Sydney was very upset about killing Noah. I told her that he was one of the bad guys, but that didn't help. She still cared for him and he turned out to be another person who wasn't what he seemed. She's feeling lost again. The life she lives is starting to wear her down. The lies, never knowing who to trust, is starting to affect her. I can't begin to understand what it must be like to live her life. I'd give anything if I could just make it a little easier for her. I guess the best way for me to help is to show her that I am the one person she never has to doubt, that she can always trust me.
04/22/02
Sydney came up with a plan to draw Khasinau out and she wants me to help her. She says she trust me. I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing her saying those words.
04/27/02
Sydney and I traveled to Denpasar. She was supposed to meet with Sark and switch the ampule. Things didn't go exactly as planned. Sark wanted to compete against her in a native fight. I told her to stick to the plan, but she didn't listen. I couldn't believe it when she held her own against him. But things took another unexpected turn when Dixon showed up. I had to create a distraction to get Sydney out of there. Then I went after Sark to get the ampule. I tied him to the fence and ignored Weiss's warning to stay with him until he was secure in order to go find Sydney and make sure she was okay. By the time I got back, Sark was gone. I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do about this one.
04/28/02
Weiss ripped into me today and I can't say that I blame him. He took a bullet for me and told Devlin that it was his fault that Sark got away. He's totally fed up with me. He told me that I'm starting to let my feelings for Sydney affect him and he's tired of it. He said he didn't want to trivialize my feelings for her by calling it a crush. A crush? Can you believe that? I past crush...eons ago. I guess he can't see that I am in love with her. I suppose that's a good thing. I told him I don't know how to be Sydney's handler and not make it personal. His answer: Find a way. Like it's that easy. I can just click my fingers and, poof, it's not personal.
He just doesn't understand. I didn't go looking for this, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to fall in love with my agent. Hell, my life would be a lot less complicated and stressful if Sydney was just another agent. But she's not. She's different, she's special. And I can't pretend that it is isn't personal. It's as personal as it gets.
But I suppose I should try for her sake and mine to make it less personal. My mistakes are beginning to add up and it's only a matter of time before they are costly.
I'm back. I just met with Sydney and I tried the 'not making it personal' thing. It didn't go over real well. I tried to be all business, total professional mode, but she saw right through me. She knew something was wrong. I acted cold towards her and I said everything was fine. I'd never felt farther away from her. Is that what I am supposed to do? Is that how I am supposed to act around her? Because I just don't think I can. I crossed the line miles ago and there's just no going back.
05/05/02
Will Tippin now knows about Sydney's double life and the CIA is trying to come up with a way to keep him safe. She hates that he's in this life now. And she's so torn up about how he'll think of her now that he knows. She doesn't think he'll ever trust her again. She said it was like he was looking at a stranger. I told her that he is seeing the real her for the first time. If Will knew what I know about Sydney, he would realize how lucky he is to have her in his life. If he knew about all of the good she's done for this country, all of the strength and courage she's had to muster amidst terrible pain, then he'd realize that the woman he calls friend is one of the most amazing people to ever walk this earth. It didn't take long for me to realize it.
05/07/02
I met with Sydney today to discuss Will's kidnapping. She is so scared for him, that much I could tell, but there was something more. Something in her eyes and voice. She wasn't telling me something. I knew something was wrong. I told Weiss that I suspected that she was planning on trying to get Will back using other means. And I knew she couldn't tell me because she doesn't trust the CIA after the safehouse was compromised. We obviously have a mole. I know that she wasn't keeping the information from me because she didn't trust me. It wasn't about me, but it still hurt. I still felt shut out.
I couldn't believe what happened next. Weiss reported my suspicions to Devlin. He betrayed me. I was stunned. He thought I was putting Sydney before the agency. I guess...he's right. I just can't believe he did this. I guess I understand why, it's just going to be hard for me to trust him in the same way again.
05/09/02
I found Sydney and I told her I knew that she was going to give Khasinau the other blank Rambaldi page in order to get Will back. She was surprised I found her. I told her how I went to all of these different places. I guess I would have just kept going until I found her. I think she was surprised that I remembered all of the places she's told me she goes to think. If she only knew that I remember nearly every word she's ever said.
Then I told her about my father. I told her about he questioned missions in his diary, but that he never had the nerve to tell the CIA director. His blind devotion to the job killed him. I guess...I don't want to end up like him. Devlin doesn't want me to help Sydney, but I know that it is the right thing to do. I won't turn a blind eye. I told her I'm in, I'm willing to do whatever she needs me to do. I could lose my job over this...I'll probably lose my job over this, but it's something I have to do.
05/10/02
We are leaving for Taipei tomorrow. We are going to destroy the lab and the circumference, as Jack hands over the page in exchange for Will.
I don't know...something doesn't feel right about this. I have a bad feeling about this operation. I want to tell Sydney, but I can't disappoint her. She needs me. It's just that...I remember reading my father's diary years after he died. I read the last entry, about his last operation, the one that he would die performing. He wrote nearly the same words as I just wrote. He had a bad feeling, something in the pit of his stomach. But he went anyway because it was his job.
After reading that all of those years later, I remembered my last moments with him. He came into my room that night and sat by my bed. I pretended I was asleep; I have no idea why. He sat there and told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. There was something different in his voice; it was like he was saying good-bye. My father was a wonderful man, but he was never very good at expressing his emotions. That was the only time I ever heard him say those words to me. I don't know why I didn't open my eyes and say them back to him. I regret that to this day.
This may seem morbid, but I feel like it's something I have to do. If I don't come back...Well, maybe Sydney will read this someday and know how I felt. I want her to know that I don't regret one moment that we spent together or one thing I did for her. In fact, I treasure it all.
I have only one regret about our relationship: We never kissed.
I would have told her everything I felt without saying a word in that kiss. I've actually imagined how it might happen. I pictured us in Rome, eating at Trattoria de Nardi. We'd eat this wonderful food and have a great conversation about everything and nothing. And we wouldn't be worried about anyone seeing us. We would only be concerned with each other. I could feel free to look at her all night long, to take her hand in mine. Then the moment would just happen. We'd kiss and I'd let her know exactly how I feel about her without saying a word.
That's how I imagined it could happen. Maybe it still can, maybe it still will, but...if not...well, I just hope she knows my only regret about our relationship is that we never kissed.
I hope she knows how I feel. I hope she knows that I love her and that I always will.
* * * *
A tear slides down my cheek and hits the last word on the page, causing the ink to run. I slowly close the book and clutch it to my chest. I hold the book closer against my chest, close to my heart and take a deep breath. I can smell him. The scent that was uniquely his fill my senses and it's almost as if he's here.
I can't believe everything I just read. I knew, at least I thought, he had deep feelings for me. I hoped that he loved me, but I never dreamt that he loved me so deeply and was devoted so completely to me. His risked his job and his life numerous times for me. And this last time...He had doubts, he had a bad feeling about it, but said nothing because he knew I needed him. He lost his life for me.
How do you get over something like that? I'm not sure I ever will.
But I know Vaughn and I know he'd want me to try to get past this. All he ever really wanted was for me to be happy and safe. I'd envisioned that someday he would be the one who made me feel that way. Now, I know it will never happen and my only regret is the same as his: We never kissed.
I can't believe he actually imagined how it might have happened. It sounded perfect, I only wish I'd had the chance to experience it.
I wipe at the tears streaming down my face. I know now what I have to do. The only way I'll ever be able to move on is if I say good-bye. And I know just how to do that.
* * * *
I sit alone in Trattoria de Nardi. The restaurant is beautiful. It's been designed to look like an outdoor cafe. The high ceilings are painted in light blues and whites to give the impression of a sky. The walls are done in an off-white stucco and wrought-iron balconies decorated with cascading flowers adorn them. The floors are made of rust-colored stone. Rich textured fabrics in dusty rose are draped over each table, which are illuminated by beaded candle lamps of various colors.
It's simply breathtaking. It's no wonder Vaughn loved this place.
Vaughn. I keep picturing him across from me, his eyes twinkling from the candlelight, his smile relaxed. This is how it should have been. If only.
I came here to say good-bye. I couldn't think of another way that would have seemed right. This is where we planned to come one day; this is where Vaughn dreamt of kissing me and letting me know how he felt. This would have marked our freedom. The only way I can move on is if I say good-bye to that dream and Vaughn in the process.
My eyes scan the room filled with couples, as I sip my red wine. The room consists entirely of couples, my table being the only one with a vacant chair. I watch as the candlelight plays across their smiling faces, as they caress hands across the table. They're all in love and happy. I wish I were the same.
Maybe I can't do this.
I'm just about to take another sip of my wine, when I hear a soft whisper come from behind me.
"Hey."
I'd know that voice anywhere, but it's impossible. Right? It's not possible. I desperately want to turn around and confirm what I've only dreamt of, but I am frozen in place.
The words fall out of my mouth automatically, the familiarity of them not lost on me. "Hi. How did you find me?"
I hear him slip into the chair behind me. I want to turn around, but I can't. Maybe I'm afraid he'll vanish if I do.
There's a smile in his voice as he speaks, "You told me a couple of months ago that when you feel the need to disappear, you go to the observatory. But the observatory was closed. And then I remembered you said the pier calms you down. But you weren't there. And you weren't at the bluffs and the palisades, either."
The words now emblazoned in my memory ring in my ears. It must be him. Only he would know of that conversation. But how could it be? How is it possible?
I inhale deeply and speak, my voice trembling, "You didn't really go to all those places."
"Yeah, I did," he replies quietly. "And then I remembered you liked the train station, too. Normal people going to their normal jobs."
"I can't believe you remember that," I say in a voice barely above a whisper.
I hold my breath, as if waiting for the moment when he disappears. Maybe I'm dreaming; maybe I'm reliving our conversation.
"But you weren't there either," he says.
Oh God. Is he really here?
"So I wracked my brain and then I remembered our promise to come here someday." He pauses and then adds in a husky voice, "I wouldn't have dreamt of missing it." I hear him take a deep breath. "I knew if I waited long enough you'd come and you did."
I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears stinging against my eyelids. It's really him.
I still can't bear to turn around. Fortunately, I don't have to, because he's by my side before I could have even moved a muscle. I slowly raise my eyes up and meet his. The candlelight makes his face glow and his green eyes sparkle. He smiles at me and I know...I know it's him.
My mouth hangs open, as he slides into the chair next to me and moves it as close as possible to mine.
"Hi," he says softly.
My only response is to throw my arms around his neck and hold on for dear life. I never want to let him go. I nuzzle my face against his neck, the scent that is uniquely his once again filling my senses, only this time he's really here.
I slowly pull away from him and look into his eyes. For the first time, I notice love shining back at me. How come I never noticed that before?
I place my hands to the side of his face and then slowly move closer to him, until our lips meet in a soft, tender kiss. It's better than I ever imagined it could be and we say everything we feel without saying a word. It happens just like he imagined.
We slowly part and I realize that tears are streaming down my face. He lifts his thumb up and gently wipes away a tear from my cheek.
I have to swallow hard before speaking. "What happened? How is this possible?"
"I was saved and then captured by The Man's goons. They kept me until a couple of days ago. They didn't hurt me and hardly pumped me for information. I'm not really sure why they kept me. They were very cryptic, only saying that I will prove useful in the future."
I look away. This isn't the time to tell Vaughn about my mother being The Man. There will be plenty of time for that.
I raise my eyes back up to his. "So, why didn't you just come to my house or call me? Why did you go looking for me in all of those places?"
"You're still a double agent, Sydney. And I'm still presumed dead. I didn't know what was safe and I couldn't risk it. I didn't know where to go. I'm not sure the CIA will even have me. All I could really think about was getting to you. I checked those places and then I thought of this place. Something inside of me told me to come here."
I smile slightly, "I'm here because of you. I read your diary or journal, as you prefer it. Weiss gave it to me."
He lowers his eyes, seemingly embarrassed. "Oh, so you read that, huh? You probably think I'm some sort of obsessed freak now then."
I touch his face and force him to meet my gaze, "Just the opposite. I finally see the real you, Vaughn. I finally see the love and devotion for me in your eyes that was there all along." I pause and then say softly, "I love you."
His smile widens. I can tell he's been waiting for far too long to hear those words. "I love you, too," he whispers and then presses his lips to mine again.
After we separate, I speak first, "You doubted the mission, Vaughn. What happened to you was my fault. I felt so-..."
He smiles and lifts his hand up to move a piece of hair out of my face, interrupting me in the process. "Don't, Sydney. Don't blame yourself. I would have followed you anywhere, no matter how I felt. I couldn't let you go alone. But none of that matters now, because I'm back."
I try to smile, but I can't. "When I thought I'd lost you...I was a mess. I guess I never realized how much a part of me you'd become until you weren't there anymore. I don't ever want to let you go again."
He smiles at my words, but his expression soon turns serious. "You know, what we're doing right now, it's dangerous, Sydney. You still shouldn't be seen with me. We don't know who knows about me being alive and my affiliation to the CIA. I shouldn't even be here right now...with you, like this."
My eyes scan his face before I begin, "I don't care, Vaughn. I don't. I know what it feels like to be with you, but not actually be able to be with you. And now I know what it feels like to be without you. I've seen both sides and I don't ever want to go back to either one. I want this, I choose this. I'll risk it. I don't care what we have to do, I don't care if we have to hide it, I'm not letting you go. I won't live my life without you again."
His lips curl up into a gentle smile. Oh, how I've missed that smile.
He chuckles softly and says, "Glad to see things haven't changed while I was gone. You're still as stubborn as ever."
I laugh, but it is quickly stifled by his lips meeting mine again.
We sit there for what seems like forever, just enjoying the feeling of finally being with one another.
Tomorrow, we'll have to face the challenges of our newfound love.
But, today, we'll simply enjoy the fact that we got a second chance to experience it.
******************************THE END********************************
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. ~Steph