It will get better

Chapter Three

By Kurtofsky4eva

A/N: Thank you to all the folks who read and reviewed this little story and to the folks who asked for a third and final installment. (Warning for suicidal talk; rating adjusted to M.) COMPLETE.

Disclaimer: I do not nor will ever own anything Glee; you know who does.

Journal Entry:

Love… it's painful, it's beautiful… and I hate it.

Now that sounds crazy. How can you hate love?

I can hate it because it means pain in so many ways.

My dad and my mom loved me and I brought them the worst pain they have probably ever known. How?

I tried to kill myself because I was weak.

Yeah, weak and stupid and in love with a boy who doesn't remember I exist.

Love is painful because he can't love me back… and why should he? I'm no prize and I suck at even a simple romantic declaration.

I think I love you. How dumb was that? When he looked at me out of those pitying, soft blue eyes and rejected me, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Me, in that stupid gorilla suit. How lame was that?

When everything hit the fan – those words scrawled and hurled at me, whispered loud enough for me to hear and worming their way into my mind – I knew I couldn't deal.

I was so scared, scared and sick and going crazy because I knew I couldn't live with the hate. I never knew that I had caused him this kind of pain. I thought it was only the physical stuff – the slushies, the shoulder checks against his locker – but I never knew until now that I made him feel how I was feeling then.

I felt like the whole world knew I was gay and hated me for it. No one hurt me physically but I hurt him physically and emotionally. I wanted to die.

I wanted to die and I was scared to die.

I know my parents will hate me forever - people who kill themselves burn in Hell, they say - because I did this horrible thing.

I am a horrible person. They don't deserve a gay kid. They didn't do anything to deserve this and even though it's going to hurt them when I die, it's the only thing I can think of.

I can't take it anymore. I never meant to hurt him so much he had to leave our school. He's stronger than me because he came back, beautiful as ever and stronger.

He came back and I love him more than before. I think he forgave me for hurting him but he can never love me. Why should he?

I want to die… but I don't know how to do it.

I'm scared.

End Journal Entry

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Tears dripped onto the blue leather binding the tattered Journal and he wiped them off. The pain that resonated in those words made his heart ache and he could barely breathe. Swiping a hand beneath his eyes he bowed his head and swore he would never look at the book again.

Putting it aside, he got up and went to look out of the window down into the busy street. It was nearly 6 o'clock and he had to compose himself before the clock in the hallway chimed with its beautiful gong.

Shaking his head as tears threatened again, he thought over the last words he'd read. 'I'm scared.'

There were more words after that but he couldn't bear to read them. Not now, not after all these years. Time had passed and it had done its healing. Things were better… but the presence of the words on the yellowed pages had struck a chord in him and he wished now he had not seen the old blue journal in the box.

Those boxes had been stored away for years in the spare room. He had opened it at a random page and although it wasn't dated, he remembered everything that had happened.

The sound of the key in the lock brought his attention around to the sight of the door opening, he mustered up a smile and greeted his lover.

"Hey, sweetie, traffic was light, huh?"

Dave smiled at him as he placed his briefcase on the hall table and shrugged out of his overcoat.

Kurt sniffed surreptitiously as Dave came toward him. He didn't want him to know he had been crying because he wouldn't stop until he found out the cause… and Kurt didn't want to tell him.

He glanced over at where he'd left the journal on the couch, glad that it was partially sunk between the cushions. He could distract Dave and then sneak it back into the spare room, hiding it back in the box in which he had found it.

Dave's eyes narrowed a bit as he approached his lover, eyeing Kurt's slightly pink eyes and the way his lips trembled slightly.

"Yes, you know the traffic can't stop me getting home, babe." He smiled as he slid his arms around Kurt's slender waist. He didn't comment on what he suspected; he just hugged Kurt to him and inhaled the scent that had come to mean so much.

Peace, security, love – Kurt was all that and more.

He pulled back and gazed into Kurt's beautiful azure eyes. "You okay?"

Kurt nodded, a genuine smile creeping across his face as he relaxed in David's arms. Seconds later a little chuckle escaped him and he lowered his eyes as his hands stroked across David's muscular chest.

"I was reading something that made me all teary-eyed; I'm okay, though." He looked back up at his lover and saw the relief in the hazel eyes he'd never believed he could come to love.

Dave kissed the lips that he had craved all those years, sighing as Kurt opened for him and let him in. Kissing Kurt was his very favorite thing to do and he never could get enough of his taste. He pulled back to gaze at the face of his dreams, the last face he'd apologized to when he'd tightened the belt around his neck eight years ago.

Now they stood in the middle of their home, holding each other as they gazed into eyes that reflected everything they felt for each other.

Kurt smoothed a finger down the cheek of the beloved face, marveling now that he would never have believed he could have this life.

Who would have thought he would run into David one day when he was late and dashing for the subway.

.

Flashback:

"Whoa, sorry, dude, didn't mean to_ Kurt?!"

Dave grabbed onto the slender figure that had barreled into him and gaped when Kurt Hummel stared back at him from wide, unforgettable blue eyes.

"Dave_ David Karofsky! Oh, my God, what are you doing in New York?"

Dave grinned down at Kurt, trying to take in everything; Kurt was as gorgeous as ever, dressed in an outfit that was no doubt by some designer whose name Dave probably wouldn't recognize. He stood with his hand on Kurt's elbow, forgetting that he had grabbed him to prevent him from falling over.

Kurt, too, seemed to have forgotten that Dave was holding him and stared at the former jock with a happy smile on his face.

Dave grinned like a fool, a light flush on his face as he studied everything about this boy, no, man, whom he'd loved for so long.

"Damn, it's been years, Hummel!"

Kurt threw back his head and laughed, his eyes sparkling as he looked at the handsome man staring at him like he was the Second Coming. He felt his cheeks heat up and a funny little swoop in his stomach at how hot David looked in his Brooks Brothers suit. Of course, Kurt recognized it, even though he had studied music at NYADA and not fashion as he'd planned.

"Huh, 'Hummel' is it now… Karofsky?" He laughed when the color deepened on David's cheeks and he thought how good the other man looked – all big and muscular and successful-looking.

They shuffled together as they tried to avoid the bustling crowds and dirty looks from people whose path they were blocking but they didn't care. Nothing mattered but the look in both their eyes.

It was a look that said, 'Hi, hello, I'd like to get to know you.'

End Flashback

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… And they did get to know each other in a way they would never have expected way back when in high school.

Kurt Hummel and David Karofsky: both their names were on the lease to this mid-Manhattan townhouse and they had been together since that serendipitous meeting in a busy subway station three years before. They had fallen in lust, in love and into a life together that neither of them had dreamt of.

To the friends and family who had wondered and doubted and warned, they had nothing to say but that they were meant to be together. They truly believed that.

Eight years after David Karofsky tried to take his life, Kurt Hummel saved it.

The End

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