Watching it all, and with his lack of experience in such... complicated matters, Link could only come to one conclusion.

And that was, Pipit was a bastard.

As much as he liked his friend, whom he had always looked up to as a child, he couldn't help but think that. Of course, he would never dream of saying that out loud.

Actually, Link didn't really know what to think. How the heck had he even gotten mixed up with... all this anyway?

Imagine his surprise when he saw the pudgy and somewhat obnoxious Cawlin loitering by the dining hall, looking so dejected. It was almost as if Link could read the elipsis of his thoughts. The boy needed help.

It was an inbred part of his personality to explore and help people, even before Batreaux appeared on the scene. Indeed, the only reason he was spending so long running around the Academy was because of a rumour he'd heard about the dormitory. If only he could find some paper...

But all thoughts of that disappeared from his mind as he walked past the mop of blue hair crouched in the corner.

"Hmm... Should I give it to her...? Should I not give it to her...?"

Link couldn't help sighing inwardly and also turn cold on the inside; a girl problem was not within his area of expertise when it came to helping people...

"...Uwah! Link, it's you! Don't sneak up on me like that! I have a serious dilemma on my mind right now. And you're distracting me!"

"Dilemma?" prompted Link, eager to assist. Besides, he could smell the golden scent of Gratitude on the air...

"What? You wanna hear about it? Hmph! Normally I would never, ever tell someone like you... But these are dire times... Come to think of it, you might be just the person I need! You seem to be pretty good with the ladies..."

Zelda's beautiful smile swam into view, along with the giddy grin of Peatrice... and Link's stomach turned nervously... What was he getting himself into? He was not prepared to counsel, he had never been much of a talker, especially in that department! Monsters, no sweat. Girls... another story.

"Ugh, I can't believe I just said that. But whatever! Let's do this! Link, I have a task for you!"

...Tasks... ok, he could do that... Side-quests were his calling in life, he was sure of it!

"So listen up... Your mission is to take this piece of paper to a certain person! It's a very important piece of paper! Make SURE you deliver it."

Goddess, this was making his head spin. Paper... paper... paper! It was as if someone was highlighting that word in red whenever it came up in someone's speech!

His eyes darted sideways towards the lavatories... No, he couldn't possibly use that paper... could he?

And as Cawlin began to reprimand him with increasing intensity and hysteria, Link's heart swelled with sympathy and boredom. He couldn't possibly take this love letter... not when Cawlin had so determinedly made him promise never to, 'under any circumstances, EVER allow it to be used as toilet paper!' He just nodded mutely and ran off at the earliest opportunity in the conversation, almost unable to believe that this letter might actually contain heartfelt words from Cawlin. And as he hurried away, he quietly hoped that Cawlin might get his happy ending, as tiresome as the guy was.

Really, to make life simpler, it would have been easier just to give the damn letter to the Mystery Toilet User, as he had so dubbed the desperate voice from the restrooms. But he had promised Cawlin to be faithful, and he never broke a promise. Never. Karane wasn't difficult to find; she was always in the sunlit classroom, confusing Link with her random questions about Pipit. They seemed so off topic sometimes. If he had been wiser at the time, he would have realised why the upperclassman kept coming up in her speech.

"Oh Pipit... How can I get you to notice me?" sighed the older girl. Things were beginning to become more and more obvious to him...

She started as she turned around to face him. He almost dropped the letter in surprise.

"Uhh, what's the matter? Do you, uh... need something?" she asked anxiously before muttering to herself. He hesitated slightly, before holding out the carefully folded parchment.

"Huh? A letter? For me..? Could it be from Pipit?"

And as the conversation went on, all hope for Cawlin began to sink rather rapidly. After commenting on the lack of penmanship, she began, to Link's shock and horror, to read the letter aloud. Why would she read something so personal to him? Gradually, the hope and excitement fell from her face, causing him to shuffle uncomfortably.

"Hoo boy... So, yeah... I have to say, he really put his heart into it and everything... I don't know... Maybe I should consider going out with Cawlin."

He started at the earnest way her blue eyes met his, searching his expression for any opinion. What the heck would he know on the matter? He was just the messenger!

"Hah! As if!" she laughed.

Link's sympathy for the lovesick squire was growing steadily by the minute, when she sighed wistfully.

"I wonder what Pipit would think if he knew about this..."

At her musing, he quickly took his leave and hurried back to Cawlin. He could almost see the crystals...

"What? You actually did it? You gave the letter to Karane...?" screeched the boy in scared disbelief.

Link bit his lip in annoyance. All he did was what he was told! The golden gems began to fade from view... And as Cawlin began to argue with himself about the next course of action, he began to wish he had never got involved with the whole affair. The difficulties of unreturned affection...

It was all too much for Link. After all this running around, all he wanted was a hot bath. But it seemed fate was against him, as he ran into Pipit standing just outside the bathroom. And once again, curiosity and a desire to see this through drew him forward.

"What's up, Link?" called the older boy jovially. His face fell when Link tried as casually as he could to relate the event of that morning. He had never seen Pipit so unsure of himself as he arms fell limply at his side.

"I-I see... That's interesting... Wow... Erm... Wh-what do you think she intends to do...?"

"Beats me."

"So you don't know? Well... That's going to bother me until I find out..."

Somehow, Link predicted that if Pipit's decidedly forceful hand got involved, someone was going to get hurt...The older boy blushed suddenly.

"... Oh! I mean, uhh... It's not like there's anything going on between me and Karane, you know? We're just friends..."

Wow... He had never seen someone so in denial before... Did the guy actually care that much for her? Or was it just natural jealousy? If someone else has it, you want it too all of a sudden, even if you don't actually need it...

"So it's not my business who she goes out with. I don't have much to say about it."

Good, thought Link quietly. If he didn't want her, then let some other guy have her. If he actually did love her... well, that was Pipit's problem, not his. As he got ready to excuse himself from the conversation and head into the baths, Pipit began to think out loud again.

"But you know... I do have a duty to make sure that everyone is living up to the high ideals of our knight school, right?"

Link nodded dutifully as the other boy continued. Listening was one of his strong points. Stepping up to a friend wasn't.

"I mean, ideal love is unfettered and passionate. Anything less than that can't really be called love at all, you know what I mean?"

Link's spider-senses were tingling... and he didn't even know what those were...

"So I should just step in and make sure that she's found a true love that aspires to the highest ideals of our fine educational institution, right?"

Typical Pipit. Masking his true feelings behind patriotism and honour. But seriously; if she wanted to go out with Cawlin, let her do it. And let me have a bath... Link thought tiredly.

"And what about me?" cried the boy, gesticulated more excitedly. "I have the right to experience an unfettered and passionate love too, don't I? You understand, don't you Link? I'm not wrong about this, am I?"

Finally, Link decided to intervene with a more direct approach.

"You like her?"

"Wha-what? Don't be ridiculous, Link! I don't even understand how you can make such a wild accusation!"

At this point, he was going to respond with a straight-forward 'Well, don't get involved then,' when the other boy continued. Typical. It seemed Link never got a chance to speak his mind. Never.

"Well, either way... I don't suppose you'd mind asking her what her decision is going to be, would you?"

And the dutiful hero postponed his bath and hurried back down the stairs. At least all his adventuring had given him well-developed hamstring and calf muscles. He wouldn't have been able to handle all this running before.

He was halfway across the corridor towards Groose's room when he heard all too familiar voices.

"You're the one who sent the letter, right?"

"Y-yes..."

"Tee hee. It was a wonderful love letter. Thank you!"

Goddess, she was going to say yes then? Link wanted to run away; it was awkward enough, spying at them from the doorway (why would you pick an open classroom for this kind of discussion?) but if this turned into a lovefest, he was out of here.

"It wasn't... that... great... And, um... Wh-what's your ... answer?"

"My answer? Ah... my answer..."

Link's heart dropped. The hesitation... that was a definite 'You're great and all, but ...' Even Link knew that, and he was love-illiterate. The poor guy.

"Oh, please! Please go out... with me!"

Boy, that kid was desperate...

"Wait!"

As Link's head spun towards the doorway where Pipit was standing with an extremely impassioned look on his face, he couldn't help but think how like a soap opera this was. This perfect timing... it was almost programmed...

"I think you should go out with me instead! I mean... er... I want to ask you out!" blurted out Pipit.

"What...? Hey, hold on there! What are you trying to pull all of a sudden?"

Link quietly agreed. He supported Pipit with Karane more than Cawlin (she was way out of his league...) but he seriously could have said something way earlier before the whole letter business started. They could have saved a lot of pain for all parties involved.

"Errr... I want to go out with... Pipit..." murmured Karane, the glee poorly masked in her face.

"Ha! See that, you fool? I knew she would choose me! She's been checking me out for weeks! Uhh, wait a second..."

And all sympathy for Cawlin at that point disappeared. The pudgy boy turned rapidly towards Karane.

"Wait... Really?" he cried hysterically. And at that point Pipit walked slowly towards her, 'Hesitant and Humble Hero' style. Link was very familiar with that walk. Very familiar.

"Truly? You choose me?"

"Yes! I'm so happy. Thank you..."

"This can't be happening..." groaned Cawlin, before running from the room with a heartfelt "Aaaaaghhhh," tears streaming down his face.

"Link!" called Pipit.

The Gratitude Crystals re-materialised in front of his eyes...

"When you told me about the letter, it was at that moment I finally realised. I realised that... I love her. I thought to myself, 'I can't let anyone else take her from me!' If you hadn't told me, I might never have even noticed my own feelings for her."

So... jealousy vs. love then? The guy didn't even know if he loved her before the rival showed up! He seriously should have just given the letter to the Mystery Toilet User... If only Zelda were here, she could have set the two of them up without any casualties... and he suddenly felt a heavy sadness in his heart at the absence of his beloved friend...

"I'm so grateful. I don't know how I can ever thank you!"

"Don't mention it..." mumbled Link, catching the glittering crystals and pocketing them quickly. He wanted to make a fast gettaway and wash his hands of this stupid matter.

"Hee hee! Thanks, Link. Because of you, I have an amazing boyfriend!" smiled Karane. And as she continued on in her rapturous praise, Link couldn't help but think...

"But I feel kind of bad about Cawlin, you know?"

...Pipit was a bastard.

My little attempt at parody, hehe. One of the funniest sidequests I reckon. And as much as I was more supportive of Pipit and Karane, Cawlin got zero compensation, hey? Beta-read by Silvara again.

Oh, and sorry for disappearing off the blogosphere and not replying to reviews/reviewing myself. But Lent and all, you know :P