Author's Note: Yes, I got the idea for this while I was watching a video with audio from Mean Girls.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games or Mean Girls. Also, don't have sex. You will get pregnant and die.

Katniss sat in the cave, with a nearly-naked Peeta. Peeta was currently suffering from blood poisoning, and it seemed like he was going to die.

"I just have to wait it out until tomorrow. Then, I can go to the Cornucopia to get something for Peeta," Katniss thought to herself. Then, a doctor approached the two. "Are you a doctor? Thank God! Peeta's -"

"Yes, I am. My name is Dr. Aurelius. But, that's not why I'm here," The doctor explained. "At your age, you're gonna be having a lot of urges. You're gonna wanna take off your clothes and touch each other -"

"WTF? I thought I was in the Hunger Games, not health class," Katniss thought to herself.

"...You WILL get chlamydia, and die," Dr. Aurelius explained. Katniss tilted her head.

"I'm in a deadly fighting match for my life, not sex ed class!" Katniss yelled as she threw a rock at Dr. Aurelius' head. But, she missed, because Dr. Aurelius was climbing into an awaiting hovercraft. Peeta slowly regained consciousness.

"Who was that nice man in the lab coat?" Peeta weakly asked Katniss. Katniss covered Peeta's mouth with a choloform-soaked rag.

"Shh... Go back to sleep. It was a hallucination of yours," Katniss said soothingly to Peeta. Like that was going to get ANY sympathy from the viewers back home.

Over a Year Later...

Despite being in a big revolution where many people died for the freedom of Panem, Finnick and Annie's wedding brightened up many people's spirits in District 13.

"Now, would anybody like to say anything to the happy couple?" Plutarch asked everyone. A familiar doctor took to the stage.

"What's he doing here?" Katniss thought to herself.

"Don't have sex. You WILL get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up. Just... Don't do it, promise?" Dr. Aurelius explained. The wedding guests grew silent.

"Uhh... Was he on the guest list?" Finnick asked everyone.

"Last time I checked, no," President Coin said.

"Aren't you supposed to be at a hospital or something?" Dalton asked Dr. Aurelius.

"Okay, everyone take some rubbers," Dr. Aurelius said as he pulled out a basket filled with... Condoms. Sadly, his advice went ignored, because Annie got pregnant and Finnick died.

Ending Note: The part about Annie and Finnick ignoring Coach Carr - I mean, Dr. Aurelius - is sad, but true.

Review if you want to see more Hunger Games humor.