Never let me go

He's been trying again, trying to find a way back into my life he sees me starting over moving on, he sees me with Doug and he hates it!

I don't know why he doesn't just let me go and leave me to start over, once he even told me that he loved me to stop me from moving on, but the minute I gave myself to him again, he let me down, used me and controlled me just like he always did.

It was never about love, at least not for him; he just didn't want me to be happy without him, which is really messed up because he could never commit to me, at least not properly.

Although we aren't together and haven't been for so long now, he still can't leave us in the past I kid myself by thinking that I can as whenever he's near me my heart pounds, I end up feeling nervous and I know that deep down I still have feelings for him. I end up stuttering when I speak to him, why else would I do that if I didn't have feelings?

But I won't let him in and no matter what I feel on the inside; outwardly he will never know what im feeling. Is it wrong of me to still want him to try? Even when I have no intention of giving him another chance, I sometimes think that I'm just as messed up as he is.

He keeps popping into the deli to check how Doug and I are getting on….or so he says. But I know it's just an excuse to see me, to try and get me back.

I bet he's kicking himself for firing me now; he could always keep an eye on me before. I was absolutely gutted at the time but now look where I am, I'm my own boss; who would have thought it? He done me a favour in the long run, it pushed me to make something of myself.

I've tried to deny it but I still feel a connection between us, I think that we will always share something together, people don't know Brendan like I do, there is another side to him that he never lets people see, the side where if he loves you, he'd do anything for you; that's my favourite side of him.

But I needed to move on so when Doug came up with this idea of online dating I thought it would be a great idea, I'm so easily pleased it's unbelievable. He was great Doug, he helped me set up an account; I wasn't really any good at things like that, my profile was amazing, I sounded like a right good catch me! I would have never been able to do that, but Doug, well; he was dead clever!

After a few days I already had nine messages from different guys. Doug and I sat down together reading them and looking at their pictures seeing if there were any decent ones, I had to fancy him after all.

And there he was: Liam, 29, athletic build, dark hair and dark eyes.

I really didn't know why he needed to be on here, he was gorgeous. His hobbies were: playing sports, cooking, reading and clubbing. He seemed genuinely up for most things.

So after a few days of mailing eachother, Liam had asked me out on date. He seemed a really nice bloke and we had a lot in common, he even liked cooking which was one of my true passions, apart from Brendan Brady of course.

Doug checked his profile over for me just in case, although this was his idea he still didn't think a lot of internet dating. I started to feel excited about meeting up with him and although I was nervous this was going to be good for me.

We arranged to meet in town at 7:00pm this Saturday and with Brendan almost stalking me these days, it couldn't come quick enough.

Saturday night

I jumped out of the shower around 5:30pm and started to look for something to wear, Liam had told me to dress casual so I put on my blue denim shirt and my best pair of chinos, done my hair and put on my CK aftershave; I looked okay I guess.

I asked Doug round for his opinion and he even said that I looked good; I was ready by 6:00pm which then gave me enough time to get the bus into town. I told Doug that I would text him to let him know I was okay and stuff, bless him; he did worry.

I was sat waiting at the bus stop when out of nowhere I felt him sit next to me

"Looking nice tonight, Stephen"

Oh my god, Brendan was here.

"What do you want Brendan? Stop stalking me!"

He's just trying to mess with my head, I know he is; that's what he does isn't it? He asked me where I was going and although I tried to keep it from him he just kept going on and on so in the end I told him, I told him that I met someone online and that I was going on my first date, I felt bad afterwards; he looked upset I could see the pain in his eyes which of course made me upset, although I never showed it.

"A bit dangerous Stephen?"

I told him that I didn't need him telling me and that I could look after myself. He didn't hang around much after that.

"Anyway Stephen I'd love to stay and chat but you know, places to go people to see; so to speak."

And before I had the chance to say anything he was gone. I thought about turning back, going back home but the bus turned up and so I got on. Hopefully the rest of the night would make up for what just happened with Brendan.

I arrived at the pub about 6:45pm I was a little early and didn't expect Liam to already be there, but he was. I was kinda hoping that he wouldn't be so I could have a few drinks and calm my nerves. It turned out okay though, he was a lovely fella, easy to talk to and he made me feel relaxed straight away.

He had a gorgeous body; you could tell he worked out a lot. We had a great evening talking and laughing; I felt a little tipsy but I wasn't drunk and I definitely wanted to see him again. I text Doug to let him know that everything was okay; I knew he'd be worrying.

Liam asked me if I wanted to go back to his for a bit which he said was only around the corner, of course I said yes; I always saw the good in people and I had no reason to doubt him. I used the loo before we left and whilst I was in there, my phone beeped, it was from Brendan

"Are you okay Stephen?"

I didn't want to reply but I did otherwise he would have just kept on texting me so I put back:

"Yeah, fine."

Then I switched my phone off.

Liam was waiting by the door of the pub; I looked at the clock before leaving it was 10:15pm. I told Liam that I had a nice evening but I wouldn't stay too long at his as I wanted to get the last bus home which would be about 11:30pm.

Liam snapped a little:

"Well you've got ages yet, so you're not going home now!"

I felt like I had to explain myself to him, so I told him I was watching my kids in the morning and that I didn't want to stay out too late. Maybe I should have left then; I didn't like how he'd snapped at me. We'd been walking for about ten minutes and we kinda drifted off to some secluded part of town down an alley way.

I felt funny and started to tell Liam that I'd changed my mind and that I was going to head on back, the next thing I knew he grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall which felt hard and cold and the impact hurt my back, he put his hands around my neck squeezing them tightly, I tried to break free but he punched me really hard in my ribs, for a second he reminded me of Brendan.

God he was strong! I tried to shout for help but he covered over my mouth, he took off his belt and told me that if I didn't keep quiet he would kill me. I felt the belt go around my neck; tears streaming down my face. I begged him:

"No please, just let me go!"

He pulled down my trousers and boxers and told me to turn around, I didn't want to but I was scared; so I did as I was told. I turned around and he told me to bend over as I did I felt the belt around my neck tighten, I closed my eyes as I heard the zipper on his jeans, the belt suddenly got looser around my neck and I turned around to see Liam getting the beating of his life, it was dark and I couldn't quite make out the figure of the guy who was saving me, then I heard him shouting at Liam; I'd recognise that voice anywhere, it was Brendan, he was here!

I pulled up my trousers and pleaded with Brendan to stop, Liam was out cold on the floor but I was glad, he was just about to rape me. I was crying, I felt sick and I'd looked better. Brendan came over to me, put his arm around me and helped me to his car which was not far from the pub.

We sat there in the car just talking, I asked Brendan how he'd found me; he told me that he'd watched me all night and that he followed me in his car from the minute I got on the bus. He said he was worried and that he needed to see for his own eyes that I was okay. The text he'd sent was just a test to see what I'd say to him.

I thanked him for saving me, for being there for me. He held me in his arms, his hand running through my hair. Us being here together felt like we'd never been apart and if we're so wrong together then why does this feel right? Why do I fit perfectly with him this way?

He didn't take me home, we went back to his. To be honest, I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to be with anyone else but him, I knew that now.

We got inside and he led me to his room, we lay down together on the bed still fully clothed, Brendan holding me tightly in his arms. It's funny how he seemed to know exactly what I needed, I felt safe with him. I tried to burry all my feelings for him, but the want I had for him was so strong and now my feelings have resurfaced again there is no containing them.

He kissed me softly on the lips and told me to rest, I'm here with him again and I wouldn't want it any other way. And I know now more than I've ever known before that he'll

never let me go.

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