Sorry guys I've been so busy it's not even funny. Feel free to kill me or do what ever you need to do in order to get out those feelings of hatred for not updating with a new chapter as quickly as I should have. So this will be chapter 16 of the story, moving into the same day, but ending it I guess. This damn note is long so I'll end it here ^-^;

Day 4: All That I Have

Edward's P.O.V

It means not much to me any more to give into these feelings that roam tirelessly through my mind. Feeling lost, alone, and abandoned. The want and need to be saved by someone who has already given up their life for my own. The basis of exchange has been broken for selfish needs that have now consumed my heart and soul.

Is it wrong to want what it is that will make me happy, even though it feels as though it is at the expense of another? Should I grab the hand that is reaching out towards me? Even though I know it will only waver for so long?

The questions plague me daily, and I can no longer fulfill them with the answers that they so rightfully deserve, the answers that will soften the screams and finally let me live in the peace that I desire. The peace of my own private haven shared with the only person who really cared about me.

Yet I know that he is alone right now, feeling the same pain and regret as I do. He's the collateral damage to my destructive ways and there's no way for me to save him. I can't even save myself.

But then he smiles.

He makes me feel as though there is nothing wrong in the world as it melts behind deep onyx eyes and gentle all knowing glances in my direction. The same passion and happiness I witnessed even in his greatest moments of distress never seem to fires lighting his eternal soul never seem to fade, not with time, not with hardships, and never with the daily stresses of life.

I've been nothing more than a teenager to some, and lonely kid with a rough life to others. But to him, I've always been his equal.

My stature is shorter, my experience is less, I have very little to offer as an individual, but none of that seems to matter to him. It's not what I don't have that he seeks, but what I have always had, that he cherishes. Sometimes it makes little sense to me, but for some reason, it never seems to matter anyways, and then I smile.
I glance over his soft expressions and feel life come back into my own soul. I feel passion grace my own features and pull me into the safe and secure arms of happiness. I let the impossible shatter reality for what seems like seconds, but that's all it takes in such a cold world. That's all it takes to feel free again against the restraints of time. Everyone is constantly seeking for something in their life, maybe to provide something of greater value or to show more self worth. I've done the same for years, and yet I've never felt more complete than I do at this moment.

Even though I'm hurting.

Even though my heart is bleeding.

Even though I know that I'm still very insecure.

There's this warmth about me, that makes me know that I don't need to search any longer. That I can finally find peace with myself and the world. I can never forgive myself for the sins that have happened in my past, but maybe I can finally move on...

Definitions in my mind seem to be blank, and I am no longer aware of whether or not the thoughts that I have are selfish or normal, but something is telling me that it's right. Feelings without negative connotations are seldom found in my relentless mind, but this time is different.

Everything is different.

Spellings, meaning, understandings, perceptions; all shifting the same tongue, as if to mark the beginning of a new language, to spell out belief and hope on small tablets to put forth into the world and say, "Come now, exception and friendship is to be shared with all." I'm probably blowing all of this easily out of proportion, but how can I know this if I've never had such a whole feeling before?

Excited again like a child, I feel myself rising out of my pit of sorrows and again to the surface where there are people like me out there. I've never seen them, nor heard their name in the wind, but I know that they're there. Years of processing have made it illogical for people not to be understanding.

Maybe this time, I can try to start again. Maybe this time I can stare down the creature that I've fed for all these years and rise above the hate and animosity that I've felt for myself. Maybe, just maybe, I can lift off the layers of dead skin and find myself again. Or, maybe, just maybe, I could be crushed under the pressure and never come back.

I'd rather die trying than die from suffering and self pity.

HEYO
So this was really short, but I had to put something out there to feed you guys because I really feel like shiet for not posting for so long. Please don't hate me?
Read and review, it makes me happy.

Happy Reading,
~Eri-chan