It doesn't have any actual plot, though.

+ I wrote this down on paper, but finished quite fast.

Hope you enjoy it. (:

But it was not your fault but mine,

and it was your heart on the line,

I really fucked it up this time,

didn't I, my dear?

Mumford & Sons – Little Lion Man

She tries to keep it all in. She does. Tries. But she can't – fails to try.

Her knees buckle and she can't stand any longer, can't hold. Her body falls to the bed behind her, her back tumbling down on the faint purple covers.

She shivers. She forgot how cold her bed can get, never let it bother her too much. But it does now. It bothers her.

She lets out a shaky sigh, wipes at her moist cheeks with her fingers. She can't let this break her. She's been trying to show him how much he means to her, God knows she has been. But the way he's been acting these past few weeks is confusing her. It's killing her. She would try to fix it if she could, she really would, if he would just talk to her and God, she hates him just a little bit for it.

But the fact is that she can't. She can't hate him. She can't feel the exact opposite of what she really feels.

Because she loves him.

She loves him.

His head pounds and he tries to take a sip of the whiskey resting in the glass. He can't force himself to do it. He can't, because he won't mourn over the fact that she probably doesn't feel the same way, won't mourn over it like her father did over his wife. He doesn't know what to feel anymore, but he knows that he can't do this to her. He can't find his answers and cure in the alcohol. It's not enough.

So he rather puts the glass down on the wooden table, sits back in his office chair and scrubs his hands over his face.

Do you want it badly enough to get over being hurt?

Yes. He wants it – her. So badly.

But he doesn't know if she'll let him have her.

He has to try. He has to get it over with, because he's tried not to, tried to switch off his love, but he couldn't because it doesn't work that way and he knows now that his mother was right.

Love is not a switch. When it comes to his love, it's a switch that you can only turn on. Never off.

So he decides to fight for her.

Because he still loves her.

He loves her.

She stands up, her hands trembling, every nerve in her body tingling, on fire. She grabs her gun and her badge from the side of her bed where she'd tossed them earlier, gathers her keys in her hands and wraps herself in a coat.

She's going to do this. Right now.

She's going to tell him what he told her.

I love you, Kate.

Yes.

He's panting when he steps out of the elevator, but he doesn't care. He shuffles over to her door, takes hold of the drops of courage floating inside him, pulls them together and raises a hand to knock.

He doesn't get the chance to do so.

She can't believe her eyes when she opens the door.

'Castle?' her voice is dry and heavy with tears, but she pushes them down, looks at the man standing in front of her.

He looks like he has just run all the way here from his apartment and she wonders if he did.

Something inside her swirls and she steps back, notices him watching her.

And then he speaks.

'I – I'm sorry. I shouldn't have – sorry.'

He turns to walk away, because damn it, he's sure that she was just heading out to meet someone for a drink. Well, not someone – a guy, he's pretty sure.

He feels like he's been punched in the gut and then her hand is on his wrist and she's clutching him like her life depends on it.

'What – why are you here?' He can't bring himself to look her in the eyes, so he focuses on a spot on the wall, right next to her shoulder, and she still has her fingers wrapped around his wrist and he can't breathe.

'I'm not – it's not – doesn't matter,' he mumbles, tries to pull his hand away, but she doesn't let him.

'Castle.' She sounds desperate, but he can't do this, can't tell her he loves her again and have her tell him she doesn't feel the same.

'Forget it, Kate.'

'No.' Her voice is strong and unwavering and right there and she still holds the power to make him fall in love with her more every second.

No?

'Kate, it's nothing, just let it go.' He wants to call her Beckett, not Kate, but this is the woman he loves, and he can't deny it.

Her grip gets stronger and when she speaks, he can't stop the shudder that rocks his frame.

'I won't. I can't.'

He looks a lot like he wants to run away and then there's this tiny part of him that seems stunned, fascinated by her.

She's missed that look.

'I have to know, Castle.' She sees his brows furrow in confusion.

'Know what?' She braces herself, takes a deep breath, realizes that this is the point where they break.

I'll miss you.

'Why you stopped waiting,' she whispers, her eyes never stranding away from his.

His mouth falls open and he feels his stomach clench.

What?

'Wha – what are you talking about?' he croaks out, stares hard at her.

'You're pulling away and I can't stop you and I don't – '

'Stop.' She shuts her mouth and her fingers twitch against the skin on his wrist. He's quite sure that she can feel his racing heartbeat, because he can feel it pounding in his head, behind his eyes, in his stomach, everywhere.

Tell her the truth.

'I never stopped, Kate. I never stopped.' Her hand falls away from his wrist and she stumbles back into her apartment, hits the door with her left shoulder and he winces, almost reaches out to make sure she's okay, but then suddenly she's pulling him in with her hands on his jacket and she shuts the door behind him, turns around to face him, biting her lip.

'You – you didn't?' He shakes his head.

'No.'

She allows a careful smile to spread on her face, but he still looks hurt and angry.

She opens her mouth to say something, but he beats her to it.

'Where were you going?' She looks down at her coat and starts unbuttoning it, feels him push her hands away, his fingers doing it for her.

Oh, but this is not what they do. This isn't – but it's right.

So right.

'I was actually going over to your place, but then you – '

'Do you love me?'

He asks it with a slight tinge of hope added to his voice. He doesn't want to sound so desperate, so hopeful all at once, but he can't stop his heart from doing it its own way. As much as she's hurt him, he still loves her and she's just so beautiful and he can't even breathe right now.

Really, what is air?

She gasps, her heart fluttering in her chest.

It's okay, she's practiced this and she knows her answer and she tries to tell him, but he steps away and sighs.

'No, don't – don't answer it.'

He feels like falling apart, but he can't move. She has him captivated still, even though he just wants to get this over with, go home and lick his wounds.

'But I want to.' His head snaps up and he can hear his pulse thrumming in his ears, tries to push it away, but she is looking at him so lovingly and he stills completely.

'Well?'

She lets a shy smile play across her face and tucks a strand of chestnut hair behind her ear. She looks up at him, sees a flicker of hope in his eyes, grabs it as a lifeline.

A beat, a stutter of a heart and then she's giving herself to him.

'I love you, Rick.'

Air rushes out of his lungs at once and his legs give up under him. He feels his weight crush to the floor and Kate's hands cupping his face as he sits breathlessly on the floor.

She – what!

'You . . . do?' Concern in her eyes melts away with her smile and she draws closer to him on her knees, his hands reaching out to grab her waist.

She nods, tilting her head to the side and he can't help but think how adorable she looks and he just wants to kiss her so badly right now.

'I do.'

She's swimming with the fact that his lately-cold eyes have turned back to ocean-blue and strokes her thumbs over his cheekbones.

'I can't – you . . . You love me? You love me.' A chuckle escapes her lips and she leans her forehead against his temple.

'Yes,' she breathes into his ear, feels him shiver, his hands tensing on her waist as he pulls her on his lap and suddenly he's hugging her tight, arms crushing her lithe body to his.

'Why did you lie to me, then?'

She barely hears him ask the question, but when she realizes what he said, she pulls back, keeps her hands at his sides to stop him from running before she figures out how he figured out and tries to fix this, them.

'How do you know?'

'Heard you in the interrogation room with Bobby Lopez.'

'The bombing case?' she gasps and closes her eyes when he nods.

'Rick, I'm sorry, so sorry.' She feels him pull away and she whimpers, chokes on a sob, opens her eyes. He's sliding away from her and it stabs her in the chest, her scars burning. She reaches out for him, tries to take his hands to at least have some physical contact.

'I can't, Kate.'

She yanks her hands away, a tear slipping down her cheek and he regrets saying it.

Kate.

'No, not – not like that, I just – I can't be touching you right now.' She looks even more hurt and he mentally curses himself, drags the pads of his fingers against her thigh. It makes her look back into his eyes, but damn it, this would be much easier if she wasn't looking at him like that.

He takes his hand away and sighs.

'Just tell me, Kate. I've asked you so many times if you remembered and every time you said no. I don't understand. If you lo – love me, then why?'

She looks away from him, bites her lip in an attempt to hold back her tears. One traitorous tear still escapes her eye, though.

'I was scared.'

'Of what?' His confusion isn't making this easy on her and she runs a hand through her hair, lets out a shaky breath.

'Of everything. I lost my mentor and I had just been shot and then you told me that . . .' She stops, looks back at him.

'What?' he grumbles, but she shakes her head, gathers the words in her head.

She has to do this right.

'I was still with Josh at the time,' she continues, 'and I didn't even know if you really meant it or if you just said it because I was dying and then after you came back, you've never said it again and I'm just so scared of us and it's killing me, Castle.'

She is fully sobbing now and she puts her hands on her face, feels the moisture flooding her skin.

'I really fucked it up, didn't I?'

He gasps, mostly because she's crying in front of him, being all vulnerable and beautiful, and partly because she almost never swears.

'Kate.'

'I know I did, Castle.'

No.

'You didn't, Kate. There's still a chance for us.'

He can't stand seeing her like this, angry with herself and crying and it breaks his heart more than anything else ever could, so he scoots closer, wraps his arms around her shoulders, holds her to him. He can feel her tears soaking through his sweatshirt on his chest and he strokes his hand down the length of her hair and up, making knots between her silky strands.

'Shh, Kate, it's alright, shh, we'll be fine,' he keeps whispering, can't stop himself from shedding a tear or two, too.

'Can you maybe just say it again?' she asks and he pulls back, sees her shake her head.

'I mean if you – if you still feel the same.' She looks so insecure and tiny and fragile and broken and he loves her, loves her with all his heart.

Ah, Kate.

'I love you, Kate. I can't stop. I love you. I love you.' She looks like she might cry again, but she chokes back the teardrops, leans close, so close that he can smell her and it's still cherries, always cherries.

'I love you, too,' he hears her whisper against his cheek before her lips touch his, small and delicate and perfect and it's all Kate.

It's sweet and passionate and she's never felt this way before, but at the same time she feels like this is so familiar and she wants more.

She wraps her fingers around his neck, tugs him closer, pulls his lower lip between hers, hears him groan into her mouth.

'Kate,' he growls and she pulls away from him, breathless.

'What?' she moans, licks her lips and shifts in his lap.

Wait. Lap? When did she – oh, it doesn't even matter.

She presses closer to him, catches his tongue with hers, feels him squirm under her.

She's hot like hell and they're kissing and she's on his lap and now he's really wondering how is it possible that he's not dead yet.

'Kate,' he tries again and she breaks the kiss, looks at him, curious.

'Would you – I mean do you want to, you know, go on a date or something?'

Smooth. It seems as though he's lost all coherent thoughts. Not that he's complaining, but he's always thought that when he first asked her on a date, it would be something more . . . extraordinary. Like she is. Because she deserves that.

She shakes with laughter, kisses his cheek, nods.

'I'd like that very much, Mr Castle.' She hears him exhale next to her ear and she pulls her head back, presses her lips to his chin, his lips, revels in the feeling of his warm breath against her skin.

'So, tomorrow night?' She grins, doesn't care that they're making out on the floor in her apartment, brushes her knuckles over his cheeks.

'Yeah, Castle. Tomorrow sounds good.'

Thoughts?

I can continue this if people are interested. (:

Ariela