In My Life

Dashiell ignores his presents, holds his hands out to Allie. "My turn?" he pleads again.

Rick glances at Kate and she looks as stunned as he feels; she wraps Dashiell in her arms and hugs him, murmuring in his ear.

"Yeah," he says quickly. "Dash, it'll be your turn next. Okay? Let Allie get her turn."

Dashiell nods against his mother's cheek, but Rick notices he's still clinging to her, an arm wound around hers. Castle leans his hip against the bed next to Dash, gives the last of the present to his son.

"Last one, buddy. We still have all of Santa's stuff at home."

Dashiell opens the last gift, and he clutches the horse and knight to his chest, his eyes so huge. "Oh, Daddy."

Kinda puts into perspective his equally dramatic reaction over his new sister. Kate is giving Rick a look - like she gets it too - and her lips press into a slight smile.

He leans over and ruffles Dash's hair, helps him open the plastic and cardboard of the box. Dashiell takes the knight off his horse, then the armor as well, piecing it back together slowly.

"Oh," Kate says suddenly, curling her hand around Castle's forearm. "I have a present for you-"

"I think I'm set, Kate."

She laughs, but her eyes turn tender, her thumb brushes over his wrist. "Flatterer. But I love it."

He swallows hard, wishes they were alone, but she shakes her head and brings the back of his hand up to her lips, a soft kiss.

"Your gift. I put it - oh, I forget." That tendon in her forehead pulses as she frowns, her bottom lip gets sucked between her teeth.

Castle laughs, pulls Dashiell up so he can sit in the bed next to her. Dash whines at him and flips out of his arms, curling back into Mommy. Kate takes him with a wince, shakes her head at Rick when he tries to pull Dash away.

"Ha. I don't remember. I hid it so many times." She looks disappointed.

"It can wait till we all get home," he says, brushing his fingers through the hair falling down at her neck. She sways into his touch, her eyes drifting shut. "Hey, you tired, babe?"

"Mm, little bit."

"I bet," he murmurs, leaning over to kiss her forehead. "You mind everyone in here? I can-"

"Don't mind," she whispers, lifting her lashes to look at him. Smiling. Her eyes track to Ellery, still in Alexis's arms, then she shifts back to look at him. "I might fall asleep anyway."

"Go ahead, love."

Her cheek drops to his shoulder, her arms loosen around Dash. The boy glances back in surprise, then looks over at his father.

"Mommy's tired, little man. She just made your sister, so give her a break, yeah?"

"I'm awake," she murmurs, eyelids lifting, drifting shut again.

Dashiell is giving Kate a stunned look. He wriggles out of her lap and climbs into his, arms snaking up around Castle's neck, small fingers rubbing against his skin. "Mommy break?" he whispers.

"No, buddy," he laughs quietly. "Just tired. A break like naptime."

Dash shakes his head. "I not nap."

"Not today, huh?"

"Not any day?" Dash says, eyebrows going up even as his voice does.

"Not gonna happen. But nice try."

"Hey Dad?" Alexis is drifting closer, holding Ellery, her smile wide. "Dash. Want it to be your turn now?"

"Oh my turn," Dashiell says, bouncing excitedly in Castle's lap.

Kate stirs, lifts her head. "Dash-"

"I got it," Castle murmurs at her, then shifts over so that Dash is between them in the bed. "Dashiell, legs out straight. Hold your arms out. Be very still, okay?"

"Okay," he says, his voice breathless.

Castle takes Ellery from her sister, cuddling the baby for a second, dropping a kiss to the tiny forehead. When Dashiell is quiet and as still as he can possibly get, Castle carefully places Ellery in his arms. On his other side, Kate uses her hand to help prop up the girl's head.

Dashiell stops breathing, a last long inhale as he hovers over his sister.

Rick glances up and gestures to his mother, but she's already got the camera. He looks back down at Dash, nudges his shoulder. The boy startles, jostling Ellery awake.

Those clear grey eyes open and-

they're not grey anymore.

He stares. "Oh wow."

"They're blue," she says, glancing up to Rick with a startled look. "Castle."

"I thought - she looks so much like Dash as a newborn, and I thought-"

Kate slides her arm out from their son and lifts her hand to the back of Rick's neck, her thumb brushing at his skin. "She's got your eyes."

"She looking at me," Dash gasps. "Oh. My baby. Hi."

"There are cameras outside," Castle says as he comes into the room.

"What?" she says, stirring, eyelids heavy.

"Apparently someone famous had a car wreck, DUI, and now there are all these news vans camped out down there."

"We're okay," she murmurs at him.

Huh. Okay. He lifts his eyebrow and glances to the bassinet; Ellery's asleep of course. He leans over her and brushes the pad of his finger down her nose.

When he turns, Kate is curled on her side, a hand on the railing but her eyes closed.

"Tired?"

She nods.

"You get any sleep?"

"Couple hours at a time," she says, and her eyes flutter open. "She falls asleep before she finishes feeding, have to wake her up."

"She sleeps like a Castle," he says, grinning back at Kate. He gets into the bed next to her and slides his arm under her body, pulls her against him. She settles down at his sides with a long, happy sigh.

"How's Dash?" she murmurs at his shoulder.

"He's fine, babe."

"Don't think you can slip it in there just cause I'm tired, Rick Castle."

He laughs and brushes his hand through her hair.

She shrugs her shoulders, wriggling. "Stop. Making my hair greasy."

"Doesn't matter. You're beautiful, Kate."

Her eyes open; she arches an eyebrow. "You're biased."

He hums back at her. "Maybe. You did just give birth to our daughter."

She sits up a little, frowning suddenly. "You said there are cameras in the parking lot? Wait. What day is it?"

He laughs, glad she's finally figured it out. "Yeah. Getting released today, Kate."

"Oh, yay," she sighs out, shoulders slumping, her forehead coming down to his chest. "I so wanna get out of here. And Ellery - I want her home."

"Me too. Want you both home."

She sighs again, her lips at his skin.

"Brought stuff for you. And her. Had to buy some tiny little clothes."

She lifts her head and she's grinning, deep and wide. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Your dad said he'd come by tomorrow when we're home. Mother and Alexis are staying with Dash; he suddenly has this absolute fascination with my theatre. She's putting on scenes in the living room for him."

"Oh, I bet he's rapt."

"He is. It's like baseball." Castle shakes his head and can't help brushing his hand through her hair again, smoothing his palm at her cheek. She leans into him for a second and then sits up.

"Let's get up. I wanna go."

"We have to wait for the-"

But she's already sliding out of bed and taking a shuffling step towards her bag in the chair. Her fingers run over the side of the bassinet, dip down to Ellery, before she moves on to get her clothes.

Castle watches her a moment, then shakes his head and gets up to help.

Since Rick is supposed to be writing, Kate sits on the couch in the study, Ella propped on her knees. Castle left to go get something from the kitchen, but Kate can't help being fascinated by all the amazing things that make up her daughter. The little girl's so-blue eyes are still having trouble focusing on the world, but she locks on to her mother's face and stares back.

Of course, every time Dash runs in with another toy he has to 'show' his little sister, Ellery's eyes dart to him, soaking him in. Her mouth opens, little fists move.

"Hey, look. I think she likes it."

Dash gives her a pleased, proud look and dances his dinosaur across Ellery's vision.

Castle finally comes back through on his way from the kitchen, and Kate calls out to him.

"Rick."

He stops in the doorway to grin at them, then moves forward to pick up Dash and pull the boy into his lap as he sits down on the end of the couch.

"Hey. How're my girls?"

She lifts an eyebrow, but chooses to ignore that in favor of sliding her hand down into the couch cushions and pulling out his Christmas present. "I remembered where I put it."

He laughs and leans over to take it from her, eyes on the red shine of the paper. "Thanks, Kate."

"Open it."

He lifts Dash off his lap and the boy crawls up to hang on Kate's knees, peering over at Ellery and reaching for her. Kate snags his fingers before he can poke her in the eye and gives him a little nudge as a reminder.

"Well, the box is in the shape of a tennis bracelet. . ." Rick says with a laugh.

She rolls her eyes at him. "Not jewelry. Think that's your job."

"No diamonds?" he pouts.

She lifts a foot carefully and nudges him in the thigh. "Just open it already."

He smirks at her and rips open the paper in a second. It's upside down and he turns it around, reads it silently, lips moving, and then lifts his eyes to look at her with a laugh.

He grins. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in my novel?"

"It's true, isn't it?" she says back. She found it online, one of those Google ads on the side; the plaque goes on his desk like a nameplate and it just - it felt right.

"It's kinda perfect," he says, chuckling. "I mean, it's like a twist on the Miranda rights, so it's - you know."

She grins back at him. "Yeah, Castle. I know."

He leans in, manhandling Dashiell out of his way so he can slide his fingers to her cheek and draw her in for a kiss. He tastes like chocolate, and cold, his tongue and the edges of his lips.

"You've been eating ice cream?" she laughs.

He grins, looks sheepish. "Took a short break."

"Supposed to be writing in here, stud."

"I will. I - yeah. I was thinking. Ice cream helps."

"Need some inspiration?" she murmurs, moving to protect Ella as Dashiell climbs into her lap.

"Yeah. Always up for inspiration." Castle grabs Dash, pulling him off. "But you're on probation."

She crooks her finger at his jaw, slides along his stubble to tap at his lips. "Not what I was getting at, Rick, but thanks. Needed that ego boost."

He laughs, but lifts his head to look at her. "You're not serious."

She rolls her eyes. "Hormones."

"Let me know. I can be persuasive. Even against hormones."

"Daddy, this bor-ing. Play with me."

Kate laughs, reaches out to scratch the back of Dashiell's head. "Okay, baby. You know Daddy has to write. Come show Ellery your Black Knight."

"And my dragons! She gonna love my dragons."

"Of course. And the dragons."

She stirs, the weight of darkness lifts; her eyes open.

"Kate?"

"Wha-?"

Oh, oh the - yeah. "Ella-?"

"She's hungry."

"Didn't hear her cry," Kate mutters, rolling over onto her back to peer up at them. The bed is so warm; she rubs a hand over her eyes and struggles to sit up.

Castle is holding Ellery against his chest; he shakes his head. "She didn't cry. She kinda - uh - made some funny noises."

"Is she okay?" Kate's awake now; she lifts up and raises her hands for Ellery.

"She's fine. I meant - it was funny to hear. Little - sounds. I can't explain it. But I looked over at her and she was awake."

"Were you awake?" Kate says, cradling Ella against her for a moment, making sure she's with it enough to not fumble the girl.

He nods and crawls over them to get into bed. "Just finished writing. Gonna crash, babe. Sorry."

Kate brushes her hand over his back. "No problem. Sleep."

She's just putting Ellery back down when she hears something in the living room. Straightening up, she stops to listen, but it doesn't come again.

Castle is out, heavily asleep, so she heads for the hall silently, stepping over the threshold. When she gets to the couch, she still can't place what she heard or where-

"Mommy?"

Her head swivels to the staircase. Dashiell is at the top, little face peering through the bars of the baby gate, hair mussed with restless sleep.

She sighs and heads up the stairs for him, unlatching the gate and scooping him up. "Having a hard time staying asleep?"

"No sleep," he mumbles, rubbing his face into her chest. She winces and adjusts him up a little higher, then kisses his temple.

"Want me to lie down with you?"

"Please, Mommy."

"Will do, my man."

"My baby sister sleep?"

"She is, yeah."

"I not sleep too good."

"I know, sweetheart." She cuddles him, fingers at the back of his damp neck, walks down the hall with him towards his room. They were trying to get him into a big bed and out of the crib before Ellery was born, but maybe they should've waited. Too many changes at once. Of course, she was expecting to have a few more weeks for the transition.

In his room, the darkness is so absolute that Kate has stand there for a moment, waiting for her eyes to adjust. Dashiell sighs heavily and pushes his face into her neck, his arms coming around her, fingers curling in her hair.

"You okay, Dash?"

He grunts, and then his mouth cracks open into a wide yawn at her collarbone, tickling her skin. She laughs a little, huffing out a breath, and strokes her hand down his back as sight slowly begins to fill in the edges of the room. She checks his pullup, but it feels dry.

"You sleep, Mommy?"

"Not as much as I want to," she says with a little laugh, brushing her lips over his forehead.

She heads for his little bed, sliding them both under the covers and curling up around him. Dash is at the wall while her back presses against the side rail they installed to keep him from falling in the floor. He lets go of her to snuggle against his pillow, throws an arm around his teddy bear, but he stays close to her, his breathing already getting heavy.

Kate puts her palm to his back, bearing down until she hears him give a great big sigh, like pressure releasing, and she can practically feel his body melt into the sheets. His eyelids slump closed, his mouth opens, and he is so very close to sleep.

She lifts her head and glances around for his weighted blanket, finds it thrown down at the end of the bed. She uses her foot to draw it up, then slowly pulls it over his back, replacing her hand. Dashiell murmurs and his eyes flutter open; he stares at her for a long moment, and then his lids slam shut again.

Kate breathes out slowly, stays absolutely still. His weighted blanket does the trick, and within a few minutes, she can carefully slide out of his bed.

She stands in the doorway for a long time, watching over him, but he doesn't wake.

Kate stares at the slow - agonizingly slow - drip into the carafe and closes her eyes, inhaling the rich aroma. Oh so good. She needs it. Badly. She can barely stand on her feet-

"Mommy."

She feels the hand at the back of her knee and glances down. Dashiell peers up at her, frowning in the light filtering through the kitchen.

"Hey, my man."

"Where my baby sister?"

"Asleep. With Daddy."

Dash presses his cheek against her in a rare moment of stillness, and Kate leans over to cup the back of his head. His hair has gotten longer; it falls into his eyes. She scrapes it back as he looks up at her.

"Just you and me," she murmurs, her chest constricting at the burden of his sleeplessness. He's too much like her.

"What you doing, Mommy?"

She crouches down and scoops him up, puts him on the counter to sit in front of her, his body bracketed by her arms. "Waiting on my coffee, little man. I need it to wake me up."

He glances over at the coffeemaker, reaches out for it, but Kate snatches his hand back.

"No, baby. It's hot."

"Can I have?"

She wrinkles her nose. "Uh. Well. I don't think you'll like it. Very strong taste. Bitter. I can make you something else?"

"Something like you?"

Her mind races - fits and starts - as she tries to come up with a substitute for-

Hm. That could work?

"We can make you some hot tea, baby."

"Hot tea?"

"Yeah, just like coffee, but not as strong."

She reaches over his head to open the cabinet, hunting for tea bags, but she finds a container of Sanka instead. Actually, that might be a better idea because it's actually coffee. Decaf and instant, and she can make it pretty weak too. The tea might be pretty strong for him.

"Okay, look. This is instant coffee, Dash." She brings it down in front of him, shaking the container. "But it's much better for kids. You'd like it."

"Yeah," he breathes out, his smile lifting at the corners of his lips. "I have hot tea."

She grins and places a smacking kiss to his smile. "Well - okay sure. Hot tea. Let's make it. You and me, little man."

She microwaves a mug of water for a few minutes - barely warm that way - and then places it and her own mug on the counter in front of Dash. She pours coffee for herself, replaces the pot, and reaches for the Sanka.

"Here, little man. A small spoonful. And drop it in."

Dash sticks his tongue out and carefully scoops the fine grounds into the spoon. It trembles as he holds it over his mug and then he drops it in slowly. Kate grins to herself, waits on him to finish.

"Okay, good job, baby." She brushes her hand down his arm. "Leave the spoon in it. Let's do mine now."

Dash claps his hands together and sits up straight, wriggling on the counter. "What first?"

"Milk first." She lifts him off the counter and sets his feet on the floor. He follows her to the fridge with a hand in her pocket, his cheek at her thigh. She pulls out creamer, grabs the sugar shaker from the cabinet too.

"Can you carry this?" She hands him the carton of non-fat vanilla creamer. Dash takes it, holds it against his chest tightly as they head back for the counter.

Kate lifts him back up and sets everything in front of their mugs. "Creamer. Hand it over."

He does, wriggling with delight, and she pours it in until the black fades to rich, dark brown. "See? Can't measure it, but it has to look brown like this. That's just right for me. Want some for you?"

"I do it. Hot tea."

She hesitates, but gives it to him. He holds it in both hands and balances it over his mug.

"Careful, careful," she murmurs, hands hovering to help just in case.

He pours and she has to swoop in, rescue the creamer to keep it from flooding the counter.

"Whew, good job. Okay. That's enough for you. See?"

"Same color?"

"Close enough. Your hot tea will look a little different from mine, baby."

"What next?"

"Sugar. Just a little."

She pulls a clean spoon out of the drawer at her left, gets a small amount of sugar and lets him help her pour it in. Then she hand-over-hands his sugar into his mug as well.

"Okay, grab your spoon. Time to stir."

He leans over and they both begin stirring their coffee together. This is the quietest and most intense she has ever seen him, staring at his instant coffee as he stirs with complete concentration.

When they're done, she tosses both spoons in the sink and puts her son back down on the floor. She takes both their mugs and nudges Dashiell towards the dining room table. "Ready?"

"We drink hot tea?"

"Yup. Come on."

He follows her to the chairs, clambers up on his knees in the seat, hands on the table as he waits for her. "Hot tea," he says with relish.

Kate sets his mug in front of him and sits down, leaning forward. "Okay baby. Try it."

She wraps her own fingers around her coffee mug and holds it to her lips, takes that first long sip, feels it burn down her throat. So very good. She sighs and opens her eyes to find Dashiell watching her intently.

He moves for his own mug, wraps his fingers around it, brings it to his mouth. No hesitation; Dashiell just gulps it down. When he pulls back, his grin is so wide that Kate's heart flutters.

"Ahhh," he says, and she realizes he's modeling his behavior after hers.

"Good baby?"

"I like hot tea."

"Yeah, it's pretty good, huh?"

"You like it, Mommy?"

"I love it."

"I do love it too."

She leans forward, presses her hand to the back of his head so she can kiss him. "Love you more, baby."

"All the time."

She rubs her thumb over his cheek and he wriggles under her touch.

"You didn't say it, Mommy."

"Say what, baby?"

"All the ways."

"Oh, sorry. Mommy's not awake yet. Love you. Always, baby."

He smiles, ducks his head as if he's suddenly shy, then he climbs up onto the table and monkeys over into her lap. She has to shift her mug away to keep it from spilling, her other arm grabbing Dash with a laugh.

"What're you doing, wild man?"

He kisses her cheek loudly and leans back against her arm, his dark eyes so bright on hers. "I do have hot tea with you, Mommy."

"You do. And we can do this again, if you want to. Then you and I can make some breakfast."

"Yeah!" He grins and then cuts his eyes to the living room. She turns to see Castle bringing Ellery out of the study and her smile grows wider.

Dash tugs on her and she glances back to him.

"My - my baby has hot tea?" he says, and his face looks reluctant, his whole body poised on the edge.

Kate squeezes him tighter, drops a kiss on both of his cheeks. "No, my man." When she pulls back, a surprised pleasure flits across his eyes. "No. Just you and me, Dash."

Dashiell's chest puffs up and he wraps both his arms around her, face against her cheek, giving her a wet kiss.

"Just you and me," he echoes. The joy in his voice is unmistakeable.

When Castle finds Kate again, she's on the floor of the nursery with Ellery in her lap; tears are pouring down her face, soaking her shirt.

"Kate," he breathes out, dropping to his knees beside her, hands brushing her cheeks.

She shakes her head at him, gives him a weak smile, blinking as it spills over her eyes.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?"

She clears her throat, reaches a hand up to wrap around his wrist, kisses his palm. "I'm okay."

He cups her cheek and kisses her softly, eyelids and cheeks and nose. "Don't seem okay."

She sucks in a shaky breath, curls her fingers tighter around his arm.

He glances down at Ellery, but she's asleep, oblivious, her little mouth open against the mint green and brown polka dots of her blanket. He wonders if he should put Ella in the crib up here while he takes care of Kate.

She shakes her head against him. "I'm really. I'm okay."

"Talk to me, Kate."

He sinks down on the floor beside her, tugging her against him. She comes slowly, her arms scooping up the baby and sharing Ella with him. He cradles Ellery's head, laces his fingers through Kate's under the baby.

When he glances over at Kate, she's managed to stop the tears, though her eyes still shine.

"I love this room," she says after a moment.

Castle glances around in surprise, trying to see whatever it is she does. It's Alexis's old room, her bed still here and pushed to one side. The pink and purple crib stands empty on the opposite side; the walls Alexis and Rick painted a pale lilac - Allie's idea. His daughter also framed a couple of family photos, and already one his mother took in the hospital is up over the crib.

"You - okay. I'm glad you do," he says carefully, looking back at Kate. "Alexis wanted you to love it."

"My mom and I painted my room the summer before ninth grade," she says softly. "Same color."

Oh. Oh, he didn't - it was a surprise from him and Alexis, and he remembers the look on her face when they showed it to her. He didn't realize what it meant.

"Kate?" he says and squeezes her fingers under the baby.

She turns and her whole body collapses into him, her face against his neck, fresh tears.

He shifts until he can wrap his free arm around her, hanging on. "Kate, love, talk to me."

Her lips move against his skin, her words are wrenched from someplace deep. "I miss my mom. I want my mom."

Oh, God. Oh Kate.

He struggles to keep Ellery balanced even as tries to curl Kate into him. For once, he has no words, nothing he can say. But-

"Kate. I'm so sorry. I would do anything-"

She takes in a sharp breath and shakes her head. "I know. I know. I'm - I'm crushing the baby." She pulls back, her hands going to Ellery, cradling the girl against her chest.

Castle adjusts his hold on his wife, keeps her close, his fingers curling in her hair and pulling it back from her face.

She gives him a better smile this time, even though it still looks shaky. "I'm not falling apart. I promise. I'm just. A little overwhelmed."

He leans in to kiss her forehead, murmuring, "You're a mom to a daughter now. I understand."

She nods. "And I - I love her so much. My mom would love her."

He takes a long breath and glances down at Ella. Still asleep. He strokes a finger over the top of her head gently.

Kate leans into him suddenly, mouth at his. "Rick. I - thank you. Thank you for my little girl."

Oh, Kate. "I love you. You've given me everything, love. You never need to thank me."