Summary: Dean finds himself being looked after by Castiel a lot - from the minor man-flu to full heart-break - and it takes four years to realise that sometimes Cas needs looking after too.
Warnings: Strong language, mature content
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, mentions of Dean/Lisa, Sam/Jess
Author's note: I finally got around to re-writing this after hating it since it's publication. It'll be in two parts - as suggested by someone - and it'll hopefully just be better and not so rushed. So do please enjoy!

Dean meeting Castiel had probably been the best thing to ever happen to him.

It had been a bizarre twist of fate. It started with him getting monumentally drunk at his friend Ash's party, accepting a dare to go and pretend to be a stripper for Mrs Atkins down the hall in 44, that led to him knocking on the wrong door - 43 - and nearly throwing up over the man who answered. Dean managed to reign in his urge to vomit and just grinned cheekily.

"Mrs Atkins!"

The man frowned; "no, you have the wrong apartment."

"Oh... Do you um... Have you got a bathroom, because I have a sneaky suspicion that I - Dean Winchester - am going to throw the fuck up!"

Dean swayed in the man's doorway, still bearing a cheeky grin. The man nodded, letting Dean past and ushered him to his bathroom. The moment Dean saw the toilet he began heaving and dropped to his knees, hunching over it as he threw up. The apartment's owner watched sympathetically from the door, torn between letting the stranger throw up by himself or going over and offering some kind of support. His good Samaritan personality took over, and he found himself sitting on the edge of the bath-tub, rubbing the boy's back soothingly, citing words of encouragement. Dean coughed up a disgusting combination of vomit and phlegm, spitting it in to the bowl before turning to smirk at his helping hand.

"Thanks man... Sorry for... Me."

The man smiled; "it's fine. Do you need a drink?"

"Nah, I think I've had way too much tonight."

"I meant water."

"Oh... Why not."

The man nodded; "are you all right or...? Do you feel like you're going to vomit any more?"

"I think I'm all out..."

"Come on then."

He linked his arm under Dean's armpit, hoisting him to his feet before helping him through to the front room, dropping him on the sofa. He hurried to the kitchen, getting Dean a glass of water and a bucket from under the sink, returning as quick as possible.

"In case you get the sudden urge to," he smiled, motioning to the bucket. Dean nodded, taking the water.

"Thanks... Uh..."

"Castiel."

"Castiel... I'm going to call you Cas. Because I'm drunk! And it's either that or something objectifying and I don't want to throw your hospitality back in your face by pointing out you've got a nice ass. Which you do! But, you don't need me saying stuff like that. Can I crash here? I'm not gay by the way. Or a pervert. I can just appreciate that sometimes guys look nice..."

Castiel nodded slowly, not sure what to make of the drunken man occupying his sofa; "um... You may stay on my sofa if you wish. Do you have anyone you need notifying of your whereabouts?"

"Um..." Dean took a long noisy slurp of the water; "...My brother might like to know where I am. But then he'd ask questions, and get all pissy about me leaving him with dad and... You have work tomorrow Dean! You shouldn't be getting drunk! Why do you hang out with Ash anyway? He's a bad influence! Think about me for once Dean! Dean what about me? I'm all out of tampons Dean! Dean!"

"Right..."

"Ignore me. I'm a dick. I love Sammy, he's my world. But Goddamn sometimes that little shit rubs me the wrong way! So... You can call him if you like, my phone's... Somewhere."

Castiel cleared his throat, feeling a little awkward in his own home; "tell you what, you go to sleep, get rid of the alcohol from your system, and we'll call him in the morning."

Dean grinned; "sure! Thanks Cas, you're awesome, you know that? Like really... You're just, cool!"

Cas smiled meekly; "well thank you... I'll get you some blankets and a pillow."

Dean woke up the next morning with what felt like a marching band in his head and cotton-mouth. Groaning, he rolled on to his side. First, he noticed he was in a strange house, the owner of which clearly liked drab paint-schemes, and brown. The second thing he noticed was that the drab-paint-scheme-liking home-owner had left a glass of water and two aspirin on the coffee table for him. Easing his head up from the pillow, Dean reached up, taking the proffered hangover cures and quickly tossing them back, thinking up a plan of action for evicting the mental marching band. Step two: greasy fry-up. He heard a door click shut behind him and the sound of bare feet on laminate flooring padding closer.

"Oh, you've woken. I'd hoped you would before I left."

Dean spun round, finding himself looking at a dark-haired, blue-eyed man in a casual suit of black pants, white shirt and blue tie. He nodded, trying to gather his thoughts from the night before.

"How's your head? Have you taken the aspirin I left?"

Dean nodded again, trying to find his tongue; "...Um, who are you again?"

Cas smiled fondly; "I'm Cas. You knocked on my door extremely inebriated last night."

"Right... Why did I?"

"I haven't a clue, I know you were trying to get a hold of Mrs Atkins next door."

"Ok... So uh..."

"Do you need anything? Coffee? Something to eat? I know greasy food is good for hangovers but I'm afraid I don't have the time or ingredients."

Dean shook his head slowly; "um... Coffee would be great, thanks."

"It's fine... I'll be leaving for work in half an hour, do you need a ride anywhere?"

Dean pulled himself up, following Castiel in to the kitchen; "where do you work?"

"Adler's Accountants. It's on the high-street."

"Oh, um, you can just drop me off in the town centre? I don't live that far."

Castiel nodded and flicked the on button of his coffee machine; "I don't mind taking you home, Dean. I promised your brother I'd get you home safe and sound so he could kick some sense in to you."

Dean chuckled lightly; "yeah? When did you speak to him?"

"This morning. He rang at seven to see if you were still alive. I told him you were fine, if a little drunk last night. He said he'd ring your boss and tell him you wouldn't be coming in."

"Ah, good kid... Bobby's still going to kick my ass."

"Is he your boss?"

"Yeah, he owns Singer's Garage, just a bit out of town?"

Castiel smiled, pulling two cups from an overhead cupboard; "you're a mechanic?"

"Technically, yeah. I mean, that's my day job... I'm kind of a jack of all trades, master of fuck all, you know?"

"It can't be as bad as being a bean-counter. I'm not even that yet! I'm just some paper-pushing assistant until I've finished my exams!"

Dean smiled; "true, at least I get to work outside and use my hands... I couldn't be cooped up in an office five days a week."

Castiel poured the two of them cups of coffee and leant on the counter in front of Dean, smiling; "are you hungry?"

Dean shook his head; "don't mention food, or else you'll have to get changed."

Chuckling, Cas pushed himself off the counter, cradling his hot cup of coffee against his chest. The two of them shared small talk happily until Cas had to continue getting ready for work, which basically consisted of putting on socks, shoes and his blazer. Dean gathered his things and followed his new friend down to his car, sliding in the passenger seat.

"If I insulted your car, what would your reaction be?"

"I'd drive past the speed limit on the highway and kick you out, why?" Castiel laughed, pulling his seat belt across his chest. Dean smirked.

"Because this is a hunk of shit."

"I know. Can't really afford an upgrade at the moment. At least it runs."

"True..."

They got moving, Castiel kindly taking the ten minute detour to Dean's house without anything less than a big smile.

"You know Cas, you're awesome."

Cas' smile grew; "yes, you said so last night."

Dean chuckled; "yeah, well, now I'm sober and I mean it. Really! It's not like people to home drunk idiots for the night. I could have been some kind of... Pervert!"

Castiel let out his own little chuckle; "oh no, you assured me last night you weren't a pervert. After you complimented my behind, that is."

Dean's face flushed red; "oh God, I'm sorry!"

"It's fine."

"If I can do anything to pay you back. Seriously, anything!"

Cas glanced over at Dean when they stopped at a red light; "well actually, Jack of all trades, I have a sort of antique record player - given to me by an older relative. It's quite sentimental to me and it's not really working at the moment. And I daren't move it."

Dean grinned; "sure man, I can look at it."

"As soon as possible would be great."

"No problem."

The following Sunday, Dean found himself slouched against the wall of the corridor outside Ash's apartment, staring at his feet. Across from him, Ash was idly drumming on his legs as they waiting for the building manager to turn up an let them in to his apartment.

"Dean?"

The larger boy's head shot up; he grinned when he saw Castiel slowly approaching, a bag of groceries tucked against his chest; "hey Cas."

He slowly pulled himself to his feet, his legs having gone slightly numb.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Moron here forgot his keys, now we're locked outside."

Cas smiled; "how unfortunate."

"Yeah... Hey, you want me to fix your record player? It's not like I'm doing anything!"

"If you'd like... Would your friend like to-"

"-Ash has to wait for the building manager."

"Oh... Well, would you like a drink?"

Ash smirked; "nah, thanks man.

"Very well... Come on Dean."

Grinning, Dean followed Cas in to his apartment. He'd almost forgotten what the inside of Cas' home looked like, also forgetting not everyone lived like Ash and actually had furniture, and floors you could see.

"I never said last time, nice digs, man."

Cas smiled; "thank you. The record player's in my bedroom."

Dean nodded, smirking slightly; "oh is it now?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

Dean chuckled; "of course you will."

Castiel frowned; "I'm sorry?"

"Nothing. If Sam was here he'd slap me and tell me I was confusing porn with real life."

"Confusing porn with...? Oh... Maybe you are a pervert after all. I assure you, this is no vain attempt on my behalf to try and seduce you. I am now however apprehensive of your intentions."

Dean laughed; "don't worry, I'm really not a pervert! Besides, you're not my type."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I like boobs. Boobs are good."

Castiel laughed; "well, I'm happy for you. Now, my record player?"

"Yeah, sure man, lead the way."

Dean sat on Cas' bedroom floor - which thankfully was carpeted - whilst Castiel put away his shopping and started making himself some dinner.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" he asked, poking his head around his bedroom door. Dean glanced up from looking at record player's needle. He grinned.

"Sure dude."

"You're not allergic to anything, are you?"

"Just healthy food."

Castiel laughed and went back to the kitchen. Dean had just finished fixing the record player when Castiel shouted him. Brushing down his jeans, he marched through to the kitchen, grinning when he saw a pile of mini-burgers piled on a plate.

"You made burgers?"

Cas smiled and pulled two beers from the fridge; "I did."

"Dude, you are freakin' awesome!"

"So you keep saying."

Dean followed Cas to the sofa, sitting comfortably in the corner, still grinning as Cas handed him a beer and put the burgers on the coffee table in front of them.

"I'm trusting you to be a big boy and not ruin the upholstery."

"Can do... You're a way better friend than Ash! I have to feed myself at Ash's! And... You have furniture!"

Castiel laughed; "intriguing."

"He has bean-bags. I thought he was joking back in high school when he said he wasn't having any real furniture when he moved out..."

"What does he sleep on?"

"He has this water-mattress thing? Not that he even sleeps on it. He crashes on the floor most nights. He only really uses the bed for sex, which he gets an alarming lack of."

"Whereas you have trouble keeping the girls away?"

"Exactly!"

Castiel and Dean became firm friends almost instantly. Finishing their evening on Cas' bedroom floor listening to Led Zeppelin LPs and drinking beer. Dean finally left when Ash knocked on the door requesting to have his friend back. Cas and Dean quickly swapped numbers and planned to go out for a beer at some point in the near future.

A beer one Sunday, was followed by a beer the following Sunday, and the same the Sunday after that, and quickly the two men had a routine. Dean soon found himself visiting Castiel more than Ash.

One Thursday, Castiel had just gotten home from work and was just going to hop in the shower when there was a loud, frantic knock at his door. Sighing, he pulled it open, his mood instantly changing when he was met with a distraught looking Dean.

"Oh God, what's wrong?"

He pulled Dean inside, frog-marching him over to the sofa and sitting him down. Dean loud out a deep sigh, looking up at Castiel with big sad eyes.

"Sammy's going to Stanford."

Castiel frowned, perching on the edge of his coffee table; "ok? That's good isn't it?"

"He's moving nearly 2,000 miles across the country just to get away... I'll never see him! He'll forget about me! I nearly raised that kid and..."

Dean began choking on his own sobs, torn between crying and breathing. Castiel let out a soft sigh, wrapping Dean in his arms, rubbing his back.

"It'll be fine, Dean. Sam loves you, you're his brother. You'll see him when he comes home, and he certainly won't forget you! He idolises you!"

Dean spluttered in to Cas' shoulder; "I wish that were true, Cas, I really do."

"Dean, I wish you'd believe me once in a while."

"I wish I could too."

Castiel smiled meekly and held Dean at arms length; "look Dean, I'm going to grab a shower, I really need one - some new intern spilt coffee on me. Why don't you, order some take-out, whatever you fancy, and grab some beers... And then you can show me the wonders of Godfather II?"

Dean choked on his laugh, smiling widely at his friend; "thanks Cas."

"Don't mention it. No chick flick moments, right?"

"Right."

Cas pulled himself to his feet; "you know where the menus are, I'll keep it short."

Dean smirked; "don't cut down your shower time on my behalf, I know you love to soak in all that steam and rub those oils and lotions on you."

Cas barked out a laugh; "excuse me? I hope you're not confusing the two of us, Dean. Whatever lotions I may have are half-empty whenever I let you shower here!"

Dean turned round, grinning over the back of the couch as Castiel made his way to his room; "hey, I can appreciate chick stuff sometimes."

"Just order us some pizza, assbutt."

The day Sam left for Stanford, Castiel found himself babysitting a distraught Dean, making sure he didn't die from alcohol poisoning. They were sat at the bar of the Roadhouse, Ellen tutting and shaking her head as Dean moaned about his life, knocking back drink after drink until she'd decided he'd had enough. Cas sighed, slipping down from his stool.

"Come on big fella, let's get you home."

Dean moaned; "no. There's nothing for me there! Just an empty house!"

Castiel frowned; "let's go to mine then?"

"Can we? You'll never leave, right Cas? You're not going to leave me, I don't think I could handle you ditching me too."

The smaller man smiled meekly, managing to drape Dean's arm over his shoulder; "I wouldn't dream of leaving you, Dean. Who else would tell you how full of shit you are?"

"Everyone leaves me in the end I suppose... First mom, then Sammy... You'll be next."

"Not unless you're planning on having me bumped off. Now come on, I can't carry your fat ass out to my car without your help."

Ellen leant on the bar, smiling; "you're good to him Cas, he's lucky to have you as a friend."

Castiel smiled back; "thanks. Want me to text you when we get in?"

"Nah, I trust you, you'll get him home safe."

Dean managed to drag himself out to Cas' car, leaning on Castiel for support, slumping in the front seat. Getting him out of the car when they pulled up outside his apartment building was not so easy. He'd nearly fallen asleep and needed a couple of sharp slaps across the face to be roused back to consciousness. Dragging him up to his apartment and in to the bathroom had been some kind of miracle, but Castiel soon found himself looking at a familiar sight - Dean slumped over his toilet, throwing his guts up.

"Cas! What did you do to me?" Dean demanded, coughing. Cas smiled meekly, rubbing Dean's back.

"Nothing."

"I was fine! Then I drank that thing and now-"

"-I gave you salt water, to induce vomiting."

"Why?"

"To get it out of your system. I don't want you sleeping with a blood system full of alcohol."

"But why?"

"I would like you to wake up in the morning, Dean... Did it occur to you I won't be able to take you leaving me?"

Frowning, Dean barely managed to lift his head, looking up at Cas; "what?"

"You're my friend, Dean. My best friend, and probably only friend... If you left then... I'd be alone. Again."

"Aww, shit Cas, I'm sorry!"

Castiel smiled, grabbing a wash-cloth from the sink, wiping Dean's mouth; "it's ok, Dean. Just don't leave me."

"I wouldn't dream of it... You're still a dick for making me throw up, though."

"You'll thank me for it in the morning... You all done?"

"I believe so..."

"Good, come on then, hero."

Castiel pulled Dean to his feet and helped him to his bedroom, pushing him down on the bed and starting to untie his shoes. Dean chuckled and fumbled with the buttons on his shirt.

"I hope you're not planning on taking advantage of me, Cas. That would be very unethical of you."

Cas smiled, throwing Dean's shoes to the side, starting to help Dean with his shirt; "damnit, foiled again... One day, Dean, you're going to let me fuck you in to the mattress."

Dean laughed, trying to sit up; "I told you you wanted a piece of this ass!"

"That you did. Come on, we'll have to wait for another day when you let me get in to your pants."

Dean wriggled out of his jeans and pulled himself under the covers; "I may be drunk, but I know when you're being sarcastic!"

Cas smiled and began getting himself ready for bed; "and I may be gay, Dean, but I'm not attracted to every guy that I see."

"But Cas! Look at me! I'm adorable!"

"You're a pain in my ass!"

Dean snorted, curling up to a pillow; "you wish I was a pain in your ass, I know you want to ride me like the wind!"

Castiel laughed, smiling fondly at Dean before climbing in to bed beside him; "go to sleep Dean. I'll try to not to hump your leg."

Dean snorted again, but quieter as he quickly drifted off to sleep. Castiel sighed when he heard Dean's soft snores. He often joked with Dean about his feelings towards him, managing to laugh off the idea that he was in love with Dean, spending most nights wishing he actually wasn't in love with Dean. Wishing Dean was at least bisexual so he didn't feel as stupid and hopeless as he did. Wishing that one day he'd find a guy that would knock him off his feet, a guy he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. He spent many a night dreaming off the man he'd eventually settle down with. He never had a name. But he always looked like Dean.

MUCH TIMES PASSES

After his third attempt knocking, Castiel let himself in to Dean's apartment. They were supposed to be planning Sam's home-coming party, but he couldn't get a hold of him. He wasn't answering his home phone or cell, Bobby said he hadn't turned up to work, and he was getting worried. He could hear the faint sounds of The Beatles coming from Dean's room. Marching straight in, he found Dean curled up under his duvet and a pile of blankets, face flushed red and his floor littered with screwed up tissues. Cas frowned.

"Please tell me you blew your nose with them!"

Dean glared; "of course I did! If I got a boner I'd probably kill myself! I don't have the blood to spare!"

He quickly digressed in to a painful sounding coughing fit, quickly grabbing a tissue from his bedside table, coughing up some phlegm and other nasty sounding things. Castiel smiled affectionately.

"Have you got the man-flu?"

"Fuck off. I'm dying!"

Cas nodded and began picking up the tissues - careful of where he touched them - and put them in the bin, before pushing Dean to sit up at the head of the bed, comfortably propped up by pillows.

"If you infect me, I will come after you!"

Dean smiled, wiping his nose on a blanket; "I'll be long dead. This sickness will actually be the end of me. Tell everyone I loved them, and tell Sammy he's a stupid moose."

"Oh shut up."

Cas left Dean to moan about his hard life to himself as he rooted through Dean's kitchen cupboards for cold medicine. Finding some he quickly set about filling a hot-water-bottle, taking them in to Dean before rushing out to get some chicken soup. He spent the rest of his day sat at Dean's bedside, making sure he took his medicine, feeding him bits now and then, and generally trying to cheer him up from his miserable state.

"Why are you looking after me?" Dean moaned, cuddling his water bottle like it was his precious child. Cas smiled.

"You'd do the same for me."

Dean chuckled; "no I wouldn't. I'd sit by your door, poking you with a long stick until you got better."

"Well... The thought's there I suppose."

"I bet you'd love it if I poked you with my long stick."

Castiel laughed at Dean's attempt at being seductive; "don't kid yourself, Dean. I've seen your stick."

Dean pouted; "you're cruel! You don't insult a man's junk!"

"You implied Ash was lacking in junk!"

"Well... That's different!"

"How?"

"I haven't seen Ash's! I was just joking! You've seen mine and you're not joking."

Cas smiled, patting Dean's arm; "I've heard size isn't everything."

"Only guys with small pricks say that."

"Suit yourself."

Dean smirked from beneath his blankets, waggling his eyebrows at his friend, before quickly reaching out and punching his arm.

MORE TIME PASSES

Castiel was woken from what was supposed to be a blissful lie in on one of his rare days off by loud incessant knocking at his door. Groaning, he dragged himself to his feet, and pried open his front door. He was almost bowled over as Dean barged in, babbling something he couldn't understand. Sighing, he sleepily propped himself up against his wall.

"Please tell me this is important, or I'm going to have to kill you," he yawned. Dean stopped pacing and stared at Cas with wide eyes.

"It's Lisa!"

Cas sighed, nodding; "yeah? The yoga-teacher?"

"Yeah."

"...What about her?"

"Remember that weekend we had?"

"Yeah, you had bendy sex for two days and then never called her."

Dean nodded nervously; "yeah... She called me."

"Have you woken up to tell me you have another bendy sexy weekend planned?"

"Fuck I wish! ...No Cas... She's pregnant!"

The words hit Cas like a brick to the face. He'd always lamented he'd never have a life with Dean, but a child - possibly being his - being born was harsh realisation that he definitely wouldn't. He managed to swallow down a dry gulp.

"Is it... Is it yours?"

Dean scuffed his shoes on the floor; "she said it could be... She's not sure about dates... But Cas! I could be a dad! I always thought I'd never amount to anything, and now... I could be having a kid and... Oh my God!"

Castiel was still feeling heartbroken as Dean paced back and forth worrying about his home not being child friendly, about how his mother would have loved to have had a grandchild, how he doesn't want it to grow up without it's father...

"I think I'll get back with Lisa."

Another knife in Cas' heart; "what?"

"I mean, I know I was never really with her but... Our kid doesn't deserve to grow up without it's dad there just because of a mistake! I mean, I'm sure I used protection but... Accidents happen and... I want to be a good dad!"

Cas smiled meekly, hoping his pain wasn't visible; "you'd be a great dad."

"You're just saying that... I'm going to go to Lisa's! Hopefully she'll want to start a family properly! Oh my God! ...I'm going to be a dad!"

He gave Cas a quick pat on the shoulder before darting out of the apartment. Castiel shut the door, sliding down it and buried his face in to his knees. He imagined Dean and Lisa. He imagined them together, in a nice suburban house, with a child. They'd probably have a dog too. And a terrible family car. He could see it perfectly; Dean, Lisa, the baby, Sam, Jess... He wasn't there. There'd be no room for him in Dean's new happy family life. His eyes stung with tears as he began to realise he was going to lose the only person he really had in his life. He sniffed loudly as tears made their way down his cheeks, clinging on to his chin before dripping on to the floor. He was startled back to the real world by the phone ringing. He dragged himself over to the table it sat on, slowly bringing the receiver to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Cas? It's Sam. Is Dean there? He ran off saying something about Lisa being pregnant, and he left his phone."

Cas sniffed again, and shook his head; "no, he's gone to Lisa's."

"Oh... Did he tell you about Lisa? I didn't really, hear anything."

"Lisa's pregnant, there's the large possibility it's his... He's gone to see if she wants to make a go of playing happy families."

"Oh wow, really? Dean could be a dad?"

Cas choked slightly, it hurt even more when Sam said it; "yes."

"Damn... Cas, are you... Are you, crying?"

"Maybe... Kind of..."

He could almost hear Sam's frown down the phone; "what's up?"

Cas let out a long sigh, trying to gather his thoughts; "I think it's... It's the realisation... I always knew this would happen, but... It just really, hurts, you know? Some woman has sex with Dean for two days and she gets to start a family with him! I love Dean for nearly four years, I do everything I can for him, and I get to sit back and watch some, whore make him happy! Tell me Sam, where's the fairness in that?"

Sam huffed loudly; "it sucks, Cas, I know, but... You've got to get over him, man! Four years is a long time to pine over someone! Get out there! Find your own happiness!"

A large sob fell from Cas' lips; "I have, Sam. Right now he's asking Lisa Braeden if she wants to be a proper family."

Sam sighed, almost feeling like crying himself; "I'm sorry Cas. There's nothing we can do..."

"I know... You won't tell Dean, will you?"

"I've kept it from him for three years now, dude, you think I'm abouts to tell him now?"

"Thank you... I have to go now... There's chocolate ice cream in my freezer that needs crying over."

He didn't hear Sam's response as he dropped the phone back in to it's holder, making his way to the kitchen, grabbing all the junk food he could fit in to his arms, retreating back to bed.

Cas was looking over some papers from work when his phone rang. It rang a lot these days, especially with his promotion he now had a team to lead and a lot of people needing his help. Sighing, he lifted the phone to his hear, muttering his usual greeting.

"Castiel Novak."

"Cas, it's Sam! Forewarning, Dean's coming over! Ben's not his!"

Cas dropped the papers he was holding; "what?"

"The other potential father hounded Lisa to get a DNA test! Turns out Ben's not Dean's! They had some kind of argument, he's on his way!"

"Why-why are you warning me?"

"So you can get your celebrations out of the way before he breaks the news himself! He won't be too happy at you grinning that he's not a dad!"

"Oh..."

"Word of warning, he's upset about not being a dad, not about losing Lisa."

Castiel was about to reply when Dean's frantic knocking sounded at his door; "he's here... Thank you, Sam."

"No problem."

He put the phone down and went to open the door. Dean looked as overwrought as he had the day he'd found out Lisa was pregnant. He slipped in to the apartment, glancing around at everything.

"Dean..."

He spun round, eyes almost bulging; "he's not mine!"

Cas tried to act surprised; "huh?"

"Ben! He's not mine! I... I'm not a father! ...She let me get attached! I've been a dad to a kid that's not mine for six months! I've been living a lie for twelve! She... I can't believe she... Cas! What am I going to do?"

Cas sighed, thinking he'd be happier knowing Dean was single again, but seeing him as upset as he was was heart-wrenching; "Dean..."

Without saying another word, he gathered Dean in his arms, letting the larger man break down and cry on his shoulder. He'd barely seen Dean in the twelve months since he'd gotten together with Lisa, and now out of nowhere he had his old job back of looking after Dean when he was at his lowest. He couldn't help but wonder if Lisa had done all the things for him that he used to - greeting him with a cold beer and head rub after an especially long day at the garage; standing over him and rubbing his back as he threw up after inevitably drinking too much; fishing out the celery from his chicken soup when he was ill because he hated it...

"I don't understand! I swear he even looked like me! I was a good dad, Cas, I really was! And now I'm some loser with no one to love them..."

Cas could feel his gut clench; "like me?"

Dean looked up, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve; "what?"

"Like me, you mean?"

"What? No! Why would, why do you think you're some loser?"

Cas sighed, stepping away from Dean; "because I am, Dean. I haven't been on any kind of date since college! In the past twelve months the only people who have contacted me are people from work and Sam! I spend every night by myself watching terrible TV, eating take-out. I lost the will to actually cook a meal a few months ago... I'm resigned to the fact I'm going to live and die alone."

"Cas! C'mon man! I'm here for you!"

"Where were you five months ago when I sprained my ankle?"

Dean frowned; "you sprained your ankle?"

"I had to take a week off work, hobbled about on crutches for a month... Sam and Ash came by now and then to help me..."

"Wow, dude, I'm sorry-"

"Where were you to celebrate my promotion with me?"

"You got a promotion?"

Castiel nodded; "a few weeks back. Sam took me to the Roadhouse for a drink. You were invited. You didn't answer your phone."

"Look Cas, I'm so sorry! But... I was busy! I had a kid to look after!"

"I know you did, Dean... But I went from having you to not having you and... It was really hard! I don't know how I'd have coped if your brother hadn't stepped in."

Dean felt another tear begin to roll down his cheek; "Sam's a good guy... I so, so sorry Cas! I really, truly am! I promised I'd never leave you... I'm a dick, a real, total dick-wad! ...Please let me make it up to you! I know I don't deserve it, but please Cas!"

Cas let out a long sigh, tears beginning to prickle his eyes; "I don't want to... I really don't. I want to be able to let you go, move on with my life... But as much as I really don't want you, I need you..."

He went to slump to his knees, but was caught by Dean, wrapping his arms around his waist tightly, keeping him on his feet.

"Come on, Cas. What can I do? Anything! I need you too, man! I've lost so much, I need something good!"

"If I asked you to leave and never come back, would you?"

"No, I know you wouldn't mean it... Nothing could make me leave."

"What if I told you I was in love with you? And had been for five years?"

Dean frowned; "what?"

"Will you leave now?"

Dean paused, staring in to Cas' blue tear-filled eyes, blinking his own tears away before shaking his head; "I'm not leaving Cas! Knocking on your door by accident was the best thing that ever happened to me! I'm not letting you die alone."

Castiel buried his face in to Dean's neck; "don't do this to me Dean."

"No Cas, don't do this to me! I know I'm a dick - you never hesitated to tell me all the time - and it only took five years but, fuck... I love you! I need you! You were always there for me, man. I always knew there was someone special out there for everyone... You were with me the whole time!"

He gently carded a hand through Cas' hair before pulling his head back so he could look in to his eyes. He smiled meekly, stroking his thumb across the smaller man's cheek, swiping away a tear.

"Please believe me Cas... I love you. I... I want to be with you, all the time! I want to take care of you for once!"

"...Really?"

"Really! Damnit, Cas, let me prove it you!"

Castiel stared in to Dean's eyes, blinking away any more tears that threatened to form; "...Make love to me, Dean."

"Huh? What? Really?"

"Yes. Please?"

Dean paused, his eyes raking over Cas' almost hopeful look before sighing loudly; "Cas, I can't."

Castiel frowned; "why? I thought you loved me."

"I do! But... I can't do this, Cas. I can't just have sex with my best friend, just because you asked! It doesn't feel right, not like this!"

"Very well... Could you leave, please, Dean?"

"Cas-"

"-Dean. Please. Get out."

Letting out another sigh, Dean composed himself before slinking out of the apartment, collapsing against the wall when the door was shut behind him. On the other side of the door, Castiel was doing the same, sliding down the wall to his ass, burying his face in his knees. He'd never had a confession of love before, and how it had happened wasn't how he'd imagined. He took several deep breaths, blinked away tears forming in his eyes before pulling himself back up on shakey legs, gathering the papers he'd dropped.
Outside, Dean dragged himself down the hall to Ash's, knocking loudly. The door swung open and Dean practically fell inside, marveling at how nothing had changed in all the time he'd been gone.

"Dean! Long time no see, buddy!"

Dean forced a smile; "yeah, I was in the building, kill two birds with one stone... How've you been?"

"Not bad, man, not bad... You?"

"Oh you know me... Making terrible mistakes," he laughed, bitterly. Ash frowned and marched over to the fridge, pulling out two beers.

"Anything you wanna talk about, man?"

Dean shot Ash a quick smile as he took the offered beer and collapsed down on to one of the bean-bags, still littering the floor; "how did I become such a fuck up? I'm such an idiot! You know? Life was great, I had you, and Cas, and Sam... Awesome people, a decent job... Then fucking... Lisa! Two guys in a short time frame. I knew I used protection!"

Ash chewed his lip awkwardly; "dude?"

"Ben's not mine! He's some douche... Matt, or Mike, or something... We did a DNA test and all I found out was the kid I grew to love isn't mine! And I've been making a life with this woman for a year! And she asked me to stick around!"

"Why didn't you? I mean... You love the kid, right?"

Dean let out a long sigh; "he's not mine, and it kills me. That little bundle of awesome has absolutely nothing to do with me... And I hated the life. I hated getting up early to go to work. I had to get a new job so I could work regular hours and it sucked! And Lisa would moan, all the time! About stupid shit! I never saw anyone! I missed Cas' promotion dude! I missed Sammy's engagement party... I haven't seen you in fucking forever... She kept me from all of you! She went out and had a fucking life! She had friends. And I had to sit around and watch the baby, that wasn't even mine! I'd love to stick around for Ben, be a dad to the little guy... But I don't want... That life! And I don't want Lisa."

"Wow... Lots been going on, then?"

Dean took a large gulp of his beer; "and to make it worse, I think I've lost Cas. I just... Ditched him! For a year! And then come back and expect everything to be fine... I suck as a human being... Is their poison in this beer?"

Ash looked at his friend sceptically; "no."

"Damn... Got any bleach lying around?"

"Dude, what the Hell happened?"

Dean let out a long sigh, glancing around at the unchanged walls of Ash's apartment; "... Did you know Cas was in love with me?"

Ash coughed suspiciously, refusing to look Dean in the eye; "...We all did, man. Me, Sam, Ellen... Everyone."

"What? Why did no one tell me?"

"Why would we tell you? You're straight! We thought it'd just make things awkward! He's loved you since forever, dude. It's kind of sad really. You should have seen him when you broke the news about Ben, he was fucking heartbroken!"

Dean frowned; "why didn't he tell me? This wouldn't have happened!"

"Dude, are you telling me you're gay for Cas?"

"Not... I don't... I don't know, Ash. It's Cas! I can't remember a time without him. He was there for me through everything. All the shit I put him through and... And after all this time the stupid bastard has been in love with me... I feel like I've just kicked him in the face."

Ash sighed, taking a quick swig of his beer; "just apologise. Tell him, you're a fucking idiot, and you love him back and... I don't know."

Dean grimaced; "yeah, I did... He asked me to have sex with him."

Ash spat out his beer; "what? Seriously!"

"Yeah... I said no and he kicked me out."

"Why did he kick you out? Why did you say no?"

"I'm not having sex with one of my oldest friends after basically ignoring him for a year! It didn't feel right! I love him, I'm sure I do... But I'd rather do it right. I don't want to just jump in to bed, especially after everything that's happened!"

Ash frowned; "you tell him that?"

"Didn't really get chance... Hey, do you have a pen and paper?"

"Love letter, old school, like it!"

Dean scowled; "it's not a damn love letter! I want to explain, and he's not going to listen to me so... Pen? Paper?"

Ash pulled himself up and began rummaging around; "got some round here somewhere... Ah-hah!"

Dean rushed over, taking the pen and notepad from Ash, leaning on the kitchen counter as he tried to get his words down. After several scrapped drafts, he finally had it written out, all five pages of it, grinning slightly as it was the longest essay he'd ever written.

"Well, Ash. Thanks for the reality check, and the beer, and the stuff... I think I'm going to go moan to Jess about how I'm a dick, she'll have good advice."

Ash smiled meekly; "it was good seeing you, man. Don't be a stranger!"

They gave each other a quick manly hug - slaps on the back and shoulder punches included - and Dean left, pausing outside of Cas' door to slip the letter underneath.

AN: I'll have the ending up shortly! I'll try to do it right this time. And thanks for the reviews and ideas and whatnot, you guys were awesome!