Forty-Second Session

"I keep thinking I should bring Maura here. I mean, like I did Ma."

"You can if you want to," Dr. Adler remarked.

"I don't actually want to, that's the thing. I feel like I'm supposed to."

"Did you go with her to see her doctor?"

"No… So I shouldn't feel any pressure? Okay. That works." Jane looked at the pictures on the wall. Per usual, Dr. Adler didn't interrupt her when she was quiet. "It's weird talking about sex with her."

"Sex is a difficult topic for many people."

Jane snorted, "No kidding. Maura doesn't have a lot of hangups, but it's still weird."

"For you or for her?"

"Both. She keeps telling me that I'm over thinking all this, which is really rich coming from her."

Dr. Adler smiled. "Do you want to have sex with her, Jane?"

"God, yes," Jane exploded. "I really do." Squirming in her seat a little, she added, "I'm kind of … Um. Itchy." When Arthur didn't say anything, she added, "It's been a while."

"So what's holding you back, Jane? If you know you want to, and you know she wants to…"

"Oh, she does. She said so."

"Then where are you?"

Jane sighed again and squirmed more. "I don't know how it works."

Arthur blinked, "We went over this-"

"Oh I read the books, and they were helpful, but I haven't done it! God, it's like being a teenager again. Was it this hard for you?"

Of course, he shook his head. "No, but then again, I've know I was gay for a very long time. And I never had sex with a woman, so I didn't have to unlearn behavioral patterns."

Jane groaned and allowed herself to slump in the couch. "I'm brave, right?"

"Yes."

"So how come this is so scary. I mean, it's sex. I know she likes me, I like her, and I know I want to do this. And so does she. So I should just … man up, right?"

"You're afraid she's into something you'd find icky." That surprised Jane. Normally Arthur waited for her to come to her own answer before offering an opinion. But he was right. "Jane, Maura told you she wants you to be happy, didn't she?"

"Yeah."

"I find it highly unlikely she'll want to do anything you're not comfortable with in bed. It's just like any new relationship. The first time is going to be a little awkward until you sort out what you like and don't like with them. But no, Maura will not be pulling out dildos and handcuffs for your first time, or possible ever."

Jane tried like hell to fight the blush creeping up her neck. "Thanks."

"You don't have to sleep with her if you don't want to."

"But I do," shouted Jane. She stared at Arthur from her slouch. "Kiss the girl?"

"I was going to say make out like teenagers on the couch and see what happens, but sure."

It was impossible for Jane not to smile a little at the idea of making out with Maura for hours.

Forty-Eighth Session

This time the silence felt good. It was quiet, comfortable, and relaxing. "Yeah," Jane finally said, having thought about the entire question and its layers. "Things are going really well." The goofy grin Jane had been wearing, off an on for over a month was still plastered to her face.

"That's good, Jane."

"God, you must be a really good poker player," she joked.

"You'd think, but apparently I have a lot of tells."

"That's funny."

"You know if you want to cancel a session, you can."

Jane blinked at the suggestions. "You think I'm all helped out?"

And Arthur smiled, "I think that it's up to you, Jane. You came here for a specific goal. Which I dare say we helped you achieve. Is there further benefit to coming here? Only if you want there to be."

"See, this is why I hate this stuff."

"Do you want to be here?"

"I … kind of do. But I don't think I need to come every week anymore."

That didn't seem to surprise Arthur. "I thought you would have switched to every other week long before now, actually."

"Well it's the case stuff… Is it okay that I tell you about the case stuff? I mean, that case last week with the kid was rough stuff."

The doctor sighed a little, "It was rough. It's the kind of thing that sends me home to hug my girls. But actually that's the sort of reason I became a psychiatrist."

"So what? Helping me through a case giving me a nightmare is more your speed than helping me come out?"

With a waggling finger, Arthur pointed out, "You aren't out, you're just having a lesbian relationship. And no, helping people who live in high stress situations handle their issues is my speciality. If you'd been an accountant-"

"Ew!"

"- then coming to terms with your sexuality would have been just as personally difficult, but perhaps less so professionally."

Jane grunted softly and thought about that. "It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. I spent all this time worrying about how it'd change me, except really I was already changed and I just had to accept the fact that I was me. Still me. I am me. Just a me that sleeps with Maura." She rubbed her lower lip. "I feel kind of free. And like it's my birthday and Christmas. All the damn time."

Smiling, Arthur nodded, "That's a very good sign."

"You think?" Jane grinned and looked at the window. "I think I still need to keep coming. Maybe not about the gay and sex stuff, but." Jane sighed, "I have things in my head I can't tell Maura. Stuff that scares me."

"Worse than Hoyt?"

"God, I hate when you're perceptive." She folded her arms across her chest and looked at Arthur's feet. "What if he has another apprentice? He almost killed Maura, and if I thought that'd hurt before, now it'd be like someone ripped my heart out."

Again with the nodding. "So you're pretty sure we'll have stuff to talk about?"

"Smart ass." But Jane smiled. She had grown to like Arthur's teasing. "Do I get a cake in four weeks?"

"If you'd like, I can bring in cupcakes."

"I'll bring 'em in. God, I wouldn't've thought I'd make it a year when all this started. I didn't think I'd last a month. And now I'm thinking this was the smartest thing I ever did. Second smartest." When Arthur looked surprised, Jane smiled. "Telling Maura how I felt was the smartest."

"Which you wouldn't have done without me."

"Oh, now who's full of himself?" Jane laughed, "Seriously, though, yeah. Thank you."

"You're very welcome Jane. See you in two weeks?"

"Sounds great, Doc."