The rain pattered gently against the windows of the small café and Jane and Maura ate lunch in companionable silence. It had been a rough few months, and their friendship was suffering despite Jane's best efforts.
Maura looked at Jane hesitantly, clearly debating whether or not to say the words weighing on her.
"Tell me," Jane coaxed, looking up from her meal.
"I once heard a woman tell her son, 'some people are so poor, all they have is money,'" Maura admitted, her gaze fixed on some invisible point on the horizon. "Until I met you, I was one of those people."
"Maura," Jane sighed, the sadness in her voice almost more than Maura could bear.
"It's true Jane," Maura shrugged. "I'm intelligent and healthy and that's wonderful, I'm grateful, but until I met you I was poor in every way that matters. I'd give up all my money to have what you have- to have parents and siblings who love you with this boundless emotion that drives them to do anything for you. The way that they treat you, the way that they love you, sometimes I ache to watch you all. Being around your family makes my breath catch at times because I want that so badly. I want someone to think I'm more important than social graces or manners or money or outward appearances."
"You are," Jane interrupted, her voice vehement, guttural. Certain.
Maura wanted to believe her but history did not corroborate Jane's statement.
"That's sweet," Maura forced a smile, but it was woefully unconvincing. "But maybe I just need to learn to be more grateful for what I do have, and stop wishing for things that are so… intangible. I've got friends, a wonderful home and a career I love, and a tortoise that will never leave my side. That's a lot to be thankful for."
"It is," Jane agreed. "You're very blessed. But you've got more than that." Jane forced Maura to meet her gaze by sheer force of will. The certainty in her eyes made Maura feel like bowling pins on the wrong end of a strike.
"You've got more than that, Maura," Jane continued, holding her gaze. "You've got me, you've got family now. You got my Ma, and Frankie, and Korsak and Frost. We're not just some second-rate work colleagues. We're your family. We'd go to hell and back for you every day of the week, and twice on Sunday. Just because you haven't got the conventional stuff lined up yet, and I've got no doubt you will someday, don't think you haven't got a family who loves you."
Tears pricked Maura's eyes and she averted her gaze, stunned and terrified by the depth of emotion that Jane's words evoked in her. Terrified of the sentiment behind Jane's words, in her eyes.
Maura knew she had been distant and vague as to why, but she was struggling to put their relationship in context after all they'd been through. When Jane was around, it was difficult to think, so Maura had secluded herself from the other woman as much as possible. She knew it was hurting Jane, hated that she put the cautious, sorrowful look in Jane's tumultuous brown eyes, but she didn't know what else to do.
As they ate, silence reigning once again, Jane gazed out the window, but Maura got the impression Jane wasn't seeing anything on the other side of the glass. Jane was eating a salad, and it struck Maura that Jane had eaten more salads lately, drank more water, cut back on red meat. Maura didn't dare presume it was because of her influence, but even the thought that she could so heavily influence the headstrong woman warmed her in confusing ways.
Eventually, Jane broke the silence, glancing over at Maura with a curious look.
"Hey Maur," she spoke around a large bite of tomato.
"Yes?" Maura asked, distracted by the way Jane's tongue skimmed out to catch an errant drop of salad dressing off her bottom lip.
"Why are you wearing a wedding ring?" Jane looked pointedly at Maura's left hand.
Maura felt her breath catch slightly. The question was so casual, but so completely out of left field, she honestly thought the room might have tilted slightly. She didn't think Jane would notice the small diamond, after all she'd been wearing it for weeks, but she should have known better.
"I noticed it a couple weeks ago," Jane sighed. "I was waiting for you to mention it, if there was anything to mention." There was a forlorn distance in her voice, as if she believed Maura might get married and not tell her.
"It's not a real wedding ring," Maura told her, as if that were an answer to the question.
"Ok," Jane nodded. "But you didn't answer my question."
Maura looked slightly chagrined. She didn't want to explain because, in all honesty, she was a bit embarrassed and she was also afraid that telling Jane the reason would force Maura to admit things she hadn't come to terms with yet.
"It's a sort of," she searched for the correct term. "A therapeutic exercise."
"Yeah?" Jane looked at her patiently, her expression open and kind. "How so?"
Maura was powerless to resist that look, and she wondered if Jane knew.
"Yes," Maura confirmed. "I am conducting a sort of behavioral modification therapy on myself."
"Isn't there some sort of rule against conducting experiments on yourself?" Jane teased. "Won't you skew the results or something?"
Maura smiled softly but her heart ached.
"Behavioral modification isn't an experiment," she replied. "It's a proven therapeutic method that utilizes empirically demonstrated behavior change techniques to increase or decrease the frequency of behaviors, such as altering an individual's behaviors and reactions to stimuli through positive and negative reinforcement of adaptive behavior."
"Hmm," Jane's brow furrowed. "So why are you wearing a wedding ring? I mean, isn't that the type of thing where you're supposed to snap a rubber band on your wrist when you suck your thumb or whatever?"
Maura smiled. "That is one method of behavioral modification," she agreed. "Although applied behavioral analysis has moved towards a focus on the observable relationship of behavior to the environment, which tends to lead to more productive results."
"Maura," Jane reached out and placed a gentle hand over Maura's. "Just tell me."
"It's silly," Maura blushed and averted her gaze.
"What's silly is you thinking that anything you say could change the way I feel about you," Jane countered softly. Maura looked up and met her gaze, swept under the tide of kindness and warmth radiating out at her.
"I wanted to see what was so great about it," she admitted. "So that I could come to terms better with never having that for myself."
"It?" Jane looked at her quizzically. "It, what?"
"Marriage," Maura sighed. "Love. Romance. The whole Nora Roberts package."
"Well I don't know who Nora Roberts is," Jane's lips quirked, and Maura suspected she did know. "But that's ridiculous, Maura. You're gonna have that. You're gonna have everything. Some guy is going to come and fall in love with you and you'll have as many little egg-heads as you want and it's gonna be great. I'll be their crazy Aunt Jane and teach em' how to throw a punch and weasel out of trouble."
Maura grinned at the thought of Jane teaching little curly haired girls how to throw a punch and out-run any boy on the playground. Her pulse skipped a beat when she realized the children in her mind were Jane's- her and Jane's daughters.
Maura's face fell and Jane squeezed the hand under hers, wrapping her thumb underneath until she was clutching Maura's smaller, smoother palm.
"Hey," Jane's voice was soft but stern. "Look at me." She waited for Maura's hesitant gaze to meet hers. "You are amazing. There isn't one thing about you that should change. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it's not going to. You deserve the best Maura, and I believe you're going to get it. You gotta believe too."
It was difficult not to believe Jane. The look in her eyes was so honest, so earnest, it made Maura want so badly to believe her. But she knew, she knew she couldn't have what she really wanted. And second best would be too painful to bear.
"Until then," Jane realized Maura didn't believe her. "You've got me. We sure as hell aren't the white picket fence gang but you've got us. You can wait on the guy, Maura. You can be picky- you could have whoever you want."
Maura was struck by the truth of Jane's words. She knew she was cared for by the tight-knit group, was aware they considered her a friend, but to have Jane call them family, to throw love in there so casually, it made Maura pause. And Jane's last words, that Maura could have whoever she wanted- made Maura's verbal filter go into overdrive in an attempt to keep her thoughts from spilling all over the tiny table between them.
"Whoever I want?" Maura asked. She could tell by the shadow passing over Jane's face that the detective was thinking about Ian. It was ironic, because until the scowl on Jane's face, Maura hadn't even considered him. He was a long-lost love, and the things she felt for him seemed like another lifetime.
"Yeah," Jane's voice was gravelly. "I know he left Maura," her jaw clenched. "But he didn't get it. He didn't see that you're worth more than anything else he could be doing- that with you by his side he could've saved the world. But more than that, he could have saved himself."
Maura tilted her head to the side, acutely aware of Jane's hand tightly holding hers.
"You really think I could have anyone?" Maura whispered, knowing it was masochistic to ask but unable to help herself.
From anyone else it would have seemed like fishing, but from Maura the genuine doubt made it clear that she had never really understood her own worth.
"Yes," Jane practically swore. "Anyone."
"And," Maura swallowed harshly. "What if the person I want doesn't want me back?"
Jane looked surprised, sitting back in her chair slightly to survey Maura. Their hands separated, Jane subtly pulling hers back into her lap.
"Then tell me where he lives and I'll set him straight," she replied, her lips quirking.
Maura ducked her head, smiling. This was one of the many things she loved about Jane. The teasing, the laughter, the fierce protective streak so easily evoked.
"What are you going to do?" she teased. "Bully someone into loving me?"
"Hell," Jane scoffed. "If he's met you, I'm sure he already loves you. Maybe he just needs some help admitting it. Apparently that part can be scary- although how anyone could be afraid of you is beyond me."
"Hey!" Maura protested, although her attempt to scowl was interrupted by her wide grin. "I can be quite intimidating. You've seen me wield a gun."
"Of course you can," Jane placated her teasingly. "In fact the guys are always talking about how terrified they are of running into you in a dark alley."
Maura giggled, and Jane's face split with a blinding smile.
"But seriously Maura," Jane's gaze was soft but piercing. "You're gonna find it. Now tell me where this bozo lives so I can set him straight. How come I've never heard of this guy, by the way?"
Maura knew she could allow the distance from the last few months to drown her, could let this turn into a melancholy moment, but if Jane was going to push that aside, so could she.
Feeling a boldness she'd never known before, Maura licked her lips nervously. She could feel, more acutely than at any other time in her life, that she was standing at a crossroads.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I… She felt the familiar verse whisper through her mind.
"Fine," she nodded confidently. "I'll give you the address."
Jane looked shocked but she hid it as best she could. "Should I write this down?" she teased, and Maura could tell that this time she was joking to cover her nervousness.
"No," Maura replied. "I think you'll remember it."
"Ok," Jane said.
With a deep, shaky breath, Maura recited Jane's address.
Each number, each word, made Jane's eyes grow wider. Her lips parted but she didn't speak. She seemed to be having trouble breathing.
The silence between them grew, and though Maura was desperate to say something, she remained quiet.
Jane swallowed once, then again, as if trying desperately to clear something from her throat. Maura bit back the almost overwhelming urge to apologize, to take it back, to babble on incessantly with explanations and reasons and excuses.
It was the longest minute of her life, sixty seconds that stretched on for what felt like days.
"Jane," she finally whispered. Jane was staring but not meeting Maura's gaze. Her eyes were all over Maura's face, and when they landed on her lips Maura flushed. "Please say something," Maura begged.
"I uh," Jane's voice was gravelly and low. She cleared her throat. "I don't know what to say, Maura."
"Tell me what you're thinking," Maura pleaded.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Jane shook her head.
"I'm your friend," Maura couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. "No matter what happens between us you can always tell me anything."
Jane's dark eyes found Maura's and the tempest of emotions there made Maura ignite. The look in Jane's eyes was a challenge, a dare to look away. Maura held her gaze.
"If I tell you what I'm thinking," Jane's voice rasped, curling like smoke between them. "We're gonna have trouble being friends."
Maura's mouth went dry and she licked her lips. Jane's eyes got impossibly darker. It felt far too hot in the little café and Maura resisted the urge to squirm in her seat.
"Tell me," she urged, surprised at the huskiness in her voice.
Jane leaned forward over the table, her face only inches from Maura's. Her hot breath fanned Maura's lips as she spoke.
"If we were in private right now I'd have you naked and screaming my name by now," she rumbled. The words washed over Maura like fire, sending a shudder through her body. Her eyes closed of their own volition.
"I want you so badly I can barely keep my hands to myself," Jane added.
"So don't," Maura's eyes opened.
"If I touch you," Jane shook her head, sat back a bit, setting the tension between them back to a low simmer. "You're going to come before I stop, and we've got work to do."
Maura's entire body reacted to the casual threat, and for a minute she calculated how quickly they could make it somewhere private.
"It'll have to wait," Jane dabbed at her lips with her napkin. "Until tonight."
Trying to control her breathing, Maura clenched her hands in her lap.
"Can I touch you then?" she asked. Jane's eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. Maura liked the distinct feeling that she had caught Jane off-guard.
"I really don't think that's a good idea," Jane warned, but her body was leaning almost imperceptibly closer in the small space. Maura slipped a sandal off under the table and without warning ran her bare foot up Jane's calf, sneaking under her wide trouser leg.
Jane jumped in surprise and grabbed the edge of the table.
"Jesus Maura," she hissed. Maura laughed and Jane shot her a withering glare.
"Alright," Maura whined. "Tonight."
The word hung between them agonizingly charged with all the things they couldn't say, couldn't do.
Jane nodded once and fished for her wallet, breaking the moment. They left the café a moment later and Maura became distinctly aware of the withdrawal of Jane's physical presence. Normally Jane would usher her through a door with a hand on her back, bump against her playfully before opening her car door, find any small excuse to touch her.
It occurred to Maura that those small touches hadn't diminished or disappeared when she withdrew, and now she was hyper aware of their role as some sort of platonic foreplay.
She craved Jane's touch, even a brush of her arm as they exchanged files, and the rest of the day passed in agonizing slowness. Maura tried to focus on her work but each time the door to the morgue opened she felt her breath catch in anticipation.
Jane didn't have any reason to come downstairs but normally she fabricated an excuse to see her friend for a minute or two. Her absence made Maura's eagerness skyrocket. By six when Maura still hadn't heard from Jane, she decided to go upstairs.
In the bullpen, Frost and Korsak were chatting from their respective desks. Frost looked up when Maura came in.
"What's up Doc?" he laughed. Korsak chuckled and Maura sighed exaggeratedly, flashing both men a smile.
"I was just looking for Jane," she replied.
Korsak rolled his eyes. "Ms. Cranky-pants went to the vending machine a few minutes ago. She's been stomping all over the place since lunch so I wouldn't get in her way unless you've got some chocolate hidden in that dress."
Maura smiled but confusion swam in the pit of her stomach. Why was Jane angry?
"Rough case?" Maura asked. She knew all of the cases were difficult but she wondered if something particular was getting to Jane.
"Nah," Frost shrugged. "She said it was personal." Korsak made a kissing noise and Frost laughed. "My money is on Steve Kampfer in Tech Crimes. He's been after Jane for weeks now."
Maura felt an emotion that it took her a moment to identify. Jealousy. She didn't like it, and she tried to push it aside.
"Maybe I'll see if I can help," Maura smiled at the two men.
"At your own peril, Doc," Korsak warned.
"Noted, thank you," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Night, Dr. Isles," Frost returned. Korsak echoed the phrase as Maura made her way to the vending machine.
Why hadn't Jane mentioned that she was dating someone? What did she want with Maura if she was in a relationship?