REMEMBER: That some of the stuff from the episodes I used will change like Kathy and Elliot do get divorced and she doesn't get pregnant with Eli ok? And I will still be using some of the stuff from the show but I am going to try and get it to work so she talks more about the present tense too! A lot of the content of the show will change in coming chapters, the car crash with Olivia and Kathy will happen but only Olivia will be in the car and the episode with Kathleen and bipolar… it's gonna change LOADS but I hope you like basically what I would have preferred happen haha!

Steff oxo

Session 12

So after Oregon I took a couple of days to get my head together before I went over to the one six where I met Dani Beck, my replacement. Elliot was in interrogation and she introduced herself as Elliot's partner and it was like a kick in the gut. I went to Cragen's office and he was telling me that it would take a while before he could shift Dani out and I was watching Elliot with her through the window and he seemed as close to her as he was to me and I stung. So I told Cragen I wasn't ready to come back, I told him that's what I had gone there to say. Then I slipped out the side door and Cragen commented on the fact that I was about to leave without seeing Elliot. I made my excuses, I really couldn't face him.

He kissed Dani. While they were partners. I won't deny that when I first found out I was jealous… furious. But technically he was single so I had no right to say anything. Even now, thinking back I feel so… so angry that he kissed her, even if I have no right too. We weren't together all we'd done was have sex and I had no right to.

The first case I worked when I got my job back the victim's name was Danielle. Elliot called her Dani a few times, it really was like I was being hit in the face.

Anyway, there was a woman, she had to have Danielle's killers liver or kidney or something. When the case was over I realised I didn't even know Elliot's blood type so I pointed it out to him. He's A Positive just like me. He told me he'd give me a kidney. I told him not if I gave him mine first.

We were back to normal then. Benson and Stabler were back but of course it wasn't to last.

Of course it wasn't to last.

Judson Tierney, was a dying man who wanted to confess all his sins before he went. Elliot took me to the centre he was at and I stayed there getting information out of him while Elliot did all the searching till we solved the crimes he'd committed. It turned out someone was in prison charged with a murder that Tierney had done. He wouldn't die until he knew that the other guy was out of prison. I stayed by his side until he went. Elliot showed up minutes later with the daughter and I left them to it.

Once out of the centre I had a bit of a cry. Some may say I got as attached to Tierney as a surrogate father in the same way he had me a daughter. Huang told Elliot that I was behaving in the way Tierney pictured his daughter should and I'm guessing that maybe I was trying to feel that, I mean I never had been in a situation like that not even with my Mom who died suddenly.

Once we got to my apartment block Elliot and I just sat in the car.

"You ok?" Elliot asked Olivia, he knew the past few hours had been tough on her.

"Yeah." She replied weakly as she took her belt off. "Thanks for the ride." As she went to open the car door Elliot stopped her by taking a hold of her hand.

"Liv…"

"I'm ok El." She said turning to look at him.

"It's ok if you're not." He said softly stroking his thumb over her hand. "Really."

"Do you want to come up for coffee?" She suggested deciding that she didn't want to talk about this in the car.

"Sure." He smiled.

I should have known asking him for coffee was a bad idea really, I was asking for trouble the second I invited him up to my apartment.

"Did you sleep with him that night?"

Yes. But not before we talked and the best thing was, he didn't go home that night. I woke up with his arms still around me and our relationship would never be the same.

"You really ok?" Elliot asked as soon as they sat on the couch with their coffees.

"No." Olivia replied her eyes filling with tears as she shook her head.

Elliot put his own mug down and put Olivia's down before pulling her into his arms. Her cries were silent but her shaking figure was all the signal he needed that she was sobbing.

"It's ok Liv." He said as he stroked her hair.

He held her for twenty minutes till she pulled away and wiped her tear stained cheeks.

"Sorry." She sniffed.

"It's ok to be upset Liv, you stayed by his bed till he took his last breath." Elliot said cupping her cheek and wiping the tears from her cheek with his thumb.

"I didn't think I'd let him in that much El but after he asked me to stay once we got Mike out of prison I sat down and I held his hand and promised I wasn't going anywhere." Olivia explained. "He was a murderer and kidnapper but I cared for him, the hours I spent with him… I let him in El." Olivia sighed softly.

"It happens Liv." Elliot told her softly.

"Yeah well enough about me how are things with Kathy?" Olivia finally asked the questioned he'd been avoiding since she got back.

"We're divorcing Liv, its happening just have all the custody crap to deal with." Elliot tried to brush it off but Olivia could see it was affecting him more than he was letting on.

"Ok. But you're a great father El, anyone would be mad not to see that." She said taking his hand.

"Liv…" he said softly. "Why did you leave?"

"I had to El." She said. "Please let's not talk about it now."

"Then when?" He snapped making her jump. "Sorry."

"It's ok. I understand why you're angry with me for leaving El but I had to ok? I know that it's difficult for you to understand but what happened with Gitano and with us… I just had to."

"Olivia…" He shifted closer to her. "When I said to you that I loved you I wasn't lying. I am madly in love with you."

"El…" She whispered.

"Are you going to tell me you didn't mean it when you said you loved me?" He asked in complete disbelief.

"No." She replied shaking her head. "But we can't happen El." She said. "Our jobs, your family… too many people would get hurt including us."

"I love you Olivia I could never hurt you…"

"I know." She interrupted. "But I'm scared I'll hurt you."

He pressed his lips to her before she could say anymore. He snaked his arms around her and she did the same back not wanting to let go for anything. When they finally broke for air he pressed his forehead against hers.

"You could never hurt me Liv, but, it's a risk I'm willing to take to be with you… while you were gone… I was so lost without you Liv… so lost. I need you in my life, I need all of you." He explained tearfully.

"El." She whispered cupping her hand on his cheek making him look her right in the eye.

"I need all of you too." She whispered and he crashed his lips hungrily to hers once again.

So there you have it, the start of our relationship. It was passionate, dramatic… but what else could you expect from me and El.

I still remember him saying he needed me and I told him I needed him too. I still need him. Every day my pregnancy develops, I have new symptoms, I feel the baby move and… and I realise just how much that need hasn't shifted at all.

I have a new partner at work now, his name's Nick and he and I get on quite well considering. I am touchy with him though, I won't let him in and I know he's frustrated by it but I think he tries to be understanding.

I still remember back to the start of my relationship with Elliot and wonder what would have happened had we not got together that night, but of course we did and we were happy.

Of course this is real life and not a fairy tale.

The next two weeks were perfect. We went to work, he came back to mine and we'd have wild passionate sex and then we'd go to sleep and the cycle started again. We talked about everything during those weeks, my leaving, his divorce, everything that happened with Gitano and it was perfect except that no one knew about us.

We'd been together about four weeks when we started working this case where a husband apparently rapped his wife. I believed the victim and Elliot wasn't so sure. The couple were going through a custody battle and the more information we found out the more Elliot believed the husband.

"You don't bate a judge!" Elliot said as they left the court house.

"Valarie Senate was raped end of story." Olivia replied.

"You seem awfully convinced of that." Elliot snapped.

"And I think your current situation is colouring your judgment…"

"My current situation?"

"Well you don't normally empathise with the suspect." Olivia hissed.

"It's not empathy! It's outrage! The guy never touched his wife…"

"Until last night Elliot, you saw the bruises." Olivia replied.

"That doesn't prove rape!" Elliot snapped.

"Is that your gut talking?" Olivia replied staring at him over the roof of the car.

"Miles Senate never abused his wife or his daughter but he gets punished for it anyway?" Elliot questioned. "How is that right?"

Olivia didn't have an answer for that.

It was the first time we had a personal argument at work since we'd been together and it shook me.

Later on during the investigation her turned around and told me "I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man." He meant it in the partner sense I knew that but it still stung like a bitch because he was right, eight years at special victims with Elliot he was the longest relationship I had with any man.

"When did you start working for the defence?" Casey asked after Elliot mad a point about the victim being inaccurate.

"The moment you were more interested in an easy close than the truth." Elliot replied simply.

"My only interest is being an advocate for rape victims, now I thought it's what we do here." Casey hissed the anger etched on her face.

"Mhm." Elliot shrugged.

"It's what we all do." Don replied hoping to stop this situation getting out of hand. "Olivia can re-interview the victim while you dig discreetly into her background." Don said. "Make sure there are no surprises."

"So now we're putting victims on trial." Olivia sighed angrily. "Good to know." She added sarcastically.

"Well a statement with this many red flags no good cop would over look it." Elliot replied.

"Especially not one with a dying marriage and a history of violence." Olivia snapped.

I was out of line in saying that but I was angry, we've always been there for the victims and all of a sudden Elliot was jumping on the bandwagon of the suspect and I didn't like it.

Now, now he's gone I wish often that I could take away all the horrible things I ever said to him. I know it's stupid to dwell on the bad things but… but the longer it's been since he's gone the harder it is to remember just the good times. There were a lot more good times than there were bad especially in the coming months from this situation but … I do remember them all but not as much as I remember the bad and it kills me… sorry I don't mean to cry… let me get back on track.

After that conversation Kathy called me. How awkward that was, I thought but when she asked me to meet her in central park I couldn't say no, I needed to know what she wanted from me.

"And what did she want from you?"

For me to convince El to sign the papers already.

"And did you?"

Yes. Not after making sure it was what he wanted though, it made me feel like he didn't want to be with me because he hadn't signed the papers to divorce his wife you know? I felt like I was used or second best and that wasn't ok with me.

I thought point proven we couldn't be together and when he took me home that night I told him we should end it before it went too far but he said we'd already gone too far.

He came in and we talked about what had happened and what we'd argued about and he told me just how scared he was about losing his kids and I held him while he cried about it and then we went to bed.

Things could have been ended right there and then but he was a stubborn son of a bitch.

"What happened with the case?"

He killed her. Set her on fire and she lived for a couple of days before dying. The next day after I saw Kathy we were a little bit back to normal. He felt guilty because he hadn't thought the guy would escalate that far but I told him we were both in that room and we both heard him say he wanted to kill his wife.

I got to shoot with plastic bullets for the first time. Kick from the gun's exactly the same did you know that? I liked being able fire my gun without killing, it was… I don't know it was different to say the least I'd always been fearful of firing my gun knowing that I could cause someone's death with just a pull of the trigger, but when it came to firing plastic bullet's I didn't think twice in firing three shots.

Anyway we went to visit the wife in the burn unit when we left Elliot told me he had something he needed to do. He went to deliver the divorce papers. I went back to the office and found out that our victim wasn't a victim at first, she wasn't raped.

I was upset that she was dying and still lied to me, I went over to his and he told me he'd signed the papers, he was really getting divorced and I asked him if we were ok.

He told me he just needed space to disagree with me so he didn't feel it would cost us our partnership.

I had him take me for breakfast and it was the start of moving forward for us.

Things were great from there, at work we were Benson and Stabler and at home we were Liv and El and it was perfect near enough.

Around six weeks later though he almost gave me a heart attack when he was thrown through the interrogation room window by a guy high on PCP. Scared the living daylights out of me though I had the pleasure of tazering the bastard even if it didn't keep him down.

I was shit scared but once I was in the ambulance I was able to show him that. Tell him I was there, kiss his head, really be the scared girlfriend I couldn't be when he was first strapped to the gurney.

Don came to get me from the hospital because we had a case and Elliot was going to be on the desk for the next few weeks, once I could I promised him I'd make it up to him when he got home. That kept him happy enough to agree to being on the desk.

It was a bit strange working without Elliot again but he was on bed rest at my apartment… which meant I got to go home to him which was nice and it was fresh you know being able to go home and say 'honey I'm home' for the first time.

Of course I ended up in the hospital the next day so it's not like it makes much difference.

"Why were you in the hospital?"

Breathing in some dangerous chemicals in some rat hole apartment block, a kid got cancer from the stuff, it was horrible. It caused our oxygen levels to drop so I had to be on oxygen for a long time and it also dropped some levels of something in our blood and I had to stay in overnight and for once I didn't argue.

Next day I went straight into work, in my scrubs not thinking about Elliot. When I got home Elliot was furious, no one had told him that I was in the hospital and when hazmat confiscated my clothes they took my phone.

Elliot came into work. Someone had been filling him in on the case and he was really supportive that I was not giving up on the case. Bless him.

So that really is pretty much the start of a very complicated personal relationship between Elliot and I. It wasn't ever perfect but now… now it's all gone I wouldn't have asked for it any differently you know?

"So that's it?"

Of course not. That was just the beginning.

Work was work and home was home. We managed to keep the two completely separate. We stayed with each other at night as much as we could and at work we remained professional and unattached as possible… at this point we hadn't even kissed in the car or touched each other anywhere on the job we were Benson and Stabler the whole time.

It wasn't until Elliot almost lost his job that I probably went too far and almost gave something away.

He was accused of murdering a suspect after giving the kid a chase and having to fight him to the ground.

I wasn't about to let Elliot's career get thrown away, there was no way he killed anyone and I don't know if it was my duty as a partner or my duty as a girlfriend but I made sure that I fought everyone who dared think he was guilty.

Melinda proved his innocence thank God. But after the whole thing Elliot paid Kathy a visit.

"Why did he visit Kathy?"

He wanted to come to an amicable agreement about the kids. The whole thing… almost losing his job, almost going to prison… he just wanted his family back or his kids anyway.

She agreed to give him a decent custody agreement and that's why now I live with Elliot's kids two weeks out of every month, I promised Kathy I would keep Elliot's custody agreement and I have been doing. I mean the kids love it and now that I'm finally back at our apartment, where we belong… I think it makes us all feel better. They're really supportive with the baby too, they can't wait to have another little brother or sister… I know the sex now… I haven't told anyone else though, not Kathy or the kids, she's great too surprisingly.

Kathy and I were always civil after the divorce, when she found out we were together and I will get to how she found out she was a little dry but then I don't know how or when but she warmed to the idea and when Elliot died she was the one who wanted me to stay in her life and the kids life and … and I'm really glad she wanted that because otherwise I don't think I would have fought her on it if she said I was to have no contact with the kids.

I really think having them and Kathy around me as well as Don, Fin and Munch has made this whole thing a little easier, sure I cry every day, especially when I'm alone in our bed at night but then… then I get on with my life and I'm in the process of really trying to live, I know Elliot would have wanted me to live really live my life for him and for our baby.