Summery; Andy's life is spiralling out of control until she hits rock bottom & attempts suicide. When admitted to hospital she is involved in a hostage situation that forces Sam to shoot her. In between everything, Sarah comes to visit. How will that go? Will she survive & pick up the pieces?

Kind of AU, but not totally! I just moved some events from the show into a closer timeframe & added my own twists. I also don't think it's totally possible, but story line was good, so here goes…..

A|N; Thanks to everyone that has read & reviewed my other stories, you guys are awesome!

A|N; Thanks to jj87 & Kelly 2727, you guys are absolutely awesome! If you haven't read their work, you should!

I have a Facebook Group, called Fanfic's Anonymous, so search & check it out!

Please note; I have never attempted suicide myself, but know a few people that have, some succeeded, where others failed & this idea is based on someone who tried, & called me for help after taking a bottle of sleeping tablets. I am South African, & some of the events in this story are based on S.A. Procedures.

Disclaimer; I only own this story

Chapter 1

One little piece of paper.

One little, white piece of paper, words printed mostly in bold, black ink, with a single handwritten date and a signature at the bottom.

That would not seem out of the ordinary to anyone, but this piece of paper was everything but normal.

This piece of paper had the letter head of Guns & Gangs on it, dated the 16th, two days ago, with his signature at the bottom.

As Andy held the paper staring at it she realized that Sam was leaving soon, back to Guns & Gangs.

She felt her hand shake, gently causing the paper to draw random patterns in the air as she stared at it.

She hadn't meant to find it; she was only digging in his desk drawer to find a pen to finish her report, when her pen had finally decided to give up writing ten minutes before the end of shift.

It's not like she was snooping. Really, she wasn't!

It was lying on the top of everything else in the drawer, nestled in silence, keeper of a secret.

Until she found it.

Like the universe meant for her to find it. Meant for her to know.

What had she been told a while back? Secrets- they don't come out all neat and tidy.

Andy stood staring at the paper, her mind blank as every logical thought escaped it, leaving her to wallow in the emotions her heart was feeling.

Disappointment was there. Sadness too. Sorrow and loss mixed in to the cocktail of perpetual darkness.

Then the panic set it. Panic that Sam was leaving her, just like everyone else did. Her mother had left her when she was 14, causing her dad to leave the land of the living by seeking solace at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

Luke had decided to leave their relationship when he decided to screw around with Jo while still engaged to Andy. Technically Andy left him when she found out, but he forced her hand to do it.

And now Sam was leaving her. The only other stable thing in her life besides Traci was leaving. The person that had been there to help her through getting over Luke, the person who helped clear her dad of murder charges and helped her persuade him to go to rehab for his drinking, the only really stable person she actually had in her life was leaving.

The other person in the longest stable relationship she'd ever had was leaving.

Leaving for who knows how long.

And because he was leaving to Guns & Gangs that meant he could possibly not come back. For weeks, months years or ever.

Ever!

That thought caused a shiver to run through Andy as she was suddenly faced with the reality of the fact that she was about to lose Sam.

The piece of paper in her hand had gone from drawing patterns in the air to shaking violently as that thought hit home. Staring at the paper Andy noticed tiny droplets begin to wet the paper; tears she didn't realize she was even crying were dripping down on to the paper.

"You ok there McNally?" Sam's voice suddenly pulled her out of her revere of lost thoughts as he came to stand behind her without her even noticing his presence.

Andy looked from the paper to Sam and back to the paper. Without a word she turned towards him and walked over in three small steps slamming the paper into his chest, up against his vest, before storming off in the direction of the woman's locker room.

Sam stood in silence watching Andy flee confusion filling his face as he held the paper Andy slapped into him to his chest with one hand.

Pulling the piece of crumpled paper away he flipped it over, exhaling a deep breath as his eyes saw what her's weren't meant to.

Crumbling the paper up into a ball Sam threw it across the room in frustration.

"Damnit!" He yelled, causing a few heads to turn his way at his sudden aggravated outburst.

With that he spun around and headed to the woman's locker room bursting through the door with more force than he intended, causing numerous shrieks to come from the woman in various stages of dress.

"Whoa Swarek" Gail yelled as he stormed towards Andy who was just behind her.

"Out!" Sam yelled in response to the shocked stares he was getting from the woman.

"Um...Sir..." Traci stammered as she tried to get her shirt back over her head in a bid to hide herself.

"Out now!" Sam yelled, more anger in his voice than any of them had heard before. A scurry of woman left the room in seconds, plunging it into an uncomfortable silence as Andy rummaged through her open locker in an attempt to keep herself occupied rather than face off with Sam over a piece of paper.

"McNally..." Sam started in a calmer voice although the hand pinching the bridge of his nose was a dead giveaway to his frustration. So too was the other on his hip.

Andy carried on ignoring Sam as she took off her uniform shirt and threw it into her locker before pulling out a black sweater and pulling it on over her black under-shirt.

Ignoring him she took a step back and sat on the bench unlacing her boots. They were off in seconds, soon following her uniform by being thrown in her locker crashing into the cold metal at the back of the locker, sending a loud thud through the room.

Still she didn't look at Sam or even acknowledge his presence.

Seeing her intention of not stopping when her hands moved to undo her uniform pants, Sam turned around so that she could keep dressing, although his presence fazed her in no way when he still faced her.

"McNally...I..." As he took a deep breath contemplating his words he felt her brush past him, making her way for the door.

He hadn't even heard her close her locker door or noticed she had finished dressing into jeans and her boots, which she left unlaced in a bid to flee in a hurry.

Grabbing Andy's wrist as she passed, Sam pulled her back and swung her round backing her into the short row of lockers, an arm on either side of her attempting to stop her escape.

"I was going to tell you" Sam's voice merely a whisper in the deafening silence of the room.

"Yeah, when? When you came back in a body bag? Well don't worry about it!" Andy said tilting her head just the slightest in an act of defiance.

"McNally, this is why I put off telling you ok, I knew you would freak out, so I tried to leave it 'till the last minute. I'm not even supposed to tell you!" Sam was leaning in close enough for her to smell the minty aroma of the gum he was chewing on. Cherry mint.

"Sam, I get it ok, we're partners, but I would have at least thought that my FRIEND Sam would have kind of given me a heads up ok!" By the end of her sentence her voice began to falter, cracking in betrayal as she shifted nervously from foot to foot boxed in between Sam and the lockers.

Andy shifted her gaze downwards to meet the floor as her hand fiddled with the strap of her bag still slung across her shoulder.

"Sorry ok...so when do you leave?" Andy was whispering to the tiles now and saw Sam tense at her question.

The one question he knew she would ask and he knew he would have to answer. The question of when.

Letting out a deep breath, he tried to avert the subject when he finally answered. "I'm going after a guy, Jamie Brennan, everyone has been trying to get something to stick to him but he's smarter than the average street corner criminal"

"When Sam?" Andy all but yelled as she looked up at him, her eyes glassy and puffy from free falling tears and tears she had yet to let out.

"Tomorrow, today's my last shift" Sam said in a hurried sigh.

Hearing those words Andy stifled a sob as she ducked under his arm and made her way to the door. Pausing for a split second with her hand on the door, whatever thoughts she was having she shook out of her head as she visibly shook her head before she pushed the door open and left the room.

Sam turned around in time to see her pause and shake her head in hesitation before she walked out.

Turning around he balled his left hand into a fist before slamming it into a randomly owned locker in front of him causing a wave of agonizing rattling to reverberate through the room.

Storming out the locker room, Sam found a line of half dressed woman waiting to continue their dressing as well as a line of curious onlookers, his friends among them. Sending them all a stare, Sam ran his right hand through his hair before turning in the direction of the men's locker room.

Jerry and Oliver entered the room to find Sam sitting on the bench in front of his locker, his elbows resting on his knees, his face turned downwards.

"Sammy?" Oliver asked as he came to stand in front of Sam, leaning his shoulder on the nearest locker.

Jerry took a seat next to Sam in silence.

"You...uh...told her didn't you?" Jerry finally spoke.

"No she found the forms in my desk drawer" Sam said not looking up.

"And it sounds like she didn't take it too well, neither did your hand" Oliver said motioning to the blood that started to dry on his split open knuckles.

"Nope" Sam said dryly.

"You know we got your back Sammy" Oliver hinted.

"Yup"

Sammy knew that Oliver and Jerry would watch out for trouble magnet McNally while he was gone, but that didn't mean that fact that he was leaving was made any easier.

Jerry slapped a hand on Sam's shoulder before him and Oliver left the room in silence sensing Sam's need for a minute to pull his shit together.

"That hand is gonna hurt like a bitch in the morning" Jerry said as they made their way down the hallway shaking his head at the turn of events.

"Yeah, did you notice it was his left hand, not his gun hand? Even losing his temper, he's got himself under control" Oliver now shook his head in disbelief.

Andy made her way home oblivious to the cold wind as it blew around her. Swirling its icy clutches around her numb fingers as she fumbled with her keys as she opened the front door to her new apartment.

It had been three months since she left Luke and she had spent three weeks on Traci's pullout couch before she found a new apartment not far from the barn. It was a cosy little one bedroom that was encased in glass windows almost right round. That was the selling fact. The fact that the windows let in the bright light and warmth of the sun's rays. It really felt like home, although she had a few boxes left to unpack.

Andy slammed the door closed as she made her way in throwing her keys on the kitchen counter island and dropped her bag on the floor next to it. She made her way over to the fridge and pulled out the open bottle of wine, pouring herself a large glass of the dark red liquid before she took several large sip's in an attempt to steady her nerves.

Grabbing the glass Andy made her way to the bathroom deciding a hot shower would make her feel better.

Stepping out the shower she heard the familiar shrill of her phone still in her jacket pocket that she left strewn on her bed when she went to shower.

Ignoring it until she was dressed in her pale pink drawstring pj pants with dark pink and white hearts covering it and her white tank top Andy was glad her new place had such good heating in this cold weather.

Pulling her phone out her jacket pocket as she put sat down on the end of her bed. She hoped it was Traci or her dad rather than the person she had such a heart-breaking altercation with in the locker room.

Noticing the screen held a one missed call 19-48pm, and one new message 19-50pm. She sighed heavily as she opened the messages to see a number she did not recognize. Lifting her phone to her ear Andy listened to the voicemail left by the mystery caller.

"Hi... This message is...um for Miss Andy McNally. Please phone me back, it's...it's about your mother. My name is Alice Macintosh...I'm from the cancer hospice in Vancouver. Um...thanks..." Then the line went dead.

Andy felt fear grip her as her entire body began to shake. Her mother had left her 12 years ago to start a new family and now a woman called from a cancer hospice with news of her? Today of all days?

Andy threw her phone down next to her as she stood up and made her way to the kitchen searching the cupboards until she found the bottle she was seeking. Pouring herself a stiff shot of the amber liquid, she felt it burn as she swallowed the whiskey.

Taking a deep breath, Andy took a second to gather herself as she poured another shot of whiskey before downing it in one smooth sip. Andy poured herself a third glass before making her way to retrieve her phone to make the call.

"Hello?" The sweet voice answered after a few rings.

"Um...hi...I'm...Andy..." Andy's voice was failing her again, a repeat of her earlier wave of emotions.

"Hi Andy I'm Alice I run a hospice in Vancouver, and I've had your mom here as a patient for twelve years. I'm...I'm sorry to inform you that she passed away this afternoon."

The woman rushed through her words as if to make this as painless as possible for Andy.

"I'm sorry what?" Andy asked not sure she heard correctly.

"Your mom lost her fight to the cancer, she gave me your number in case of an emergency a while back. I'm sorry for your loss. We'll be in touch about the funeral arrangements as soon as they're done, your mom left strict instructions..." Not able to listen to anymore Andy ended the call.

Sitting down on the end of her bed her hands were still trembling as she replayed the woman's words in her mind.

Her mother had been in a hospice for twelve years and she had died today.

The woman that left her for another family, abandoned her was really and truly gone and never coming back.

She left because she was sick not because she didn't want a family. She left to save her family the pain of watching her die, not because she hated them.

Not to replace them.

Andy had spent twelve years hating a woman for messing her up and for pushing her dad to drink.

Her mother's last act of love, had been misunderstood. She hated her for all the wrong reasons. Now she suddenly hated her for dying. For not coming back and saying she was sick. For leaving them to think the worst of her.

Oh God her dad.

Had he known, or had he heard?

Andy grabbed her phone and dialled her dad's number.

He answered after a few short rings slurring as he did.

"Hewoo"

"Dad. Um... Have you been drinking?" Andy shrieked. Disappointment evident in her voice.

"Wustt won"

"Dad you've been sober for six months" Andy whispered as her tears began to fall.

"...I...I'm sowwry...I wust weeded it todayyyy..."

"So you heard? Um...about...her?"

"Yeah...I'm sowwry..."

Andy ended the call as her body was filled with sobs as the tears streamed down her face.

Curling up on her bed, her thoughts ran rampant over the day's events. First Sam left her and wasn't even going to bother with a goodbye, then her mother dies after years of misunderstood mistakes, and misunderstood hatred and heartbreak, and now her dad was back to sucking on a bottle.

After a while Andy composed herself enough to get up and retrieve the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen before returning to her bed. Looking at her phone as she took a sip from the bottle, she contemplated calling Sam. He was always there when she needed him, but that was before he was leaving in less than 24 hours for an undercover op.

Maybe Traci. She should call Traci. But Traci has Leo. She wouldn't bother Traci then.

No sleep would be the best thing right now.

I'm just tired, really tired she thought as she took another swig from the bottle.

Sleep