A/N: Ahdfndjfnsklndfsklndfklsn. I doubt anyone understands the sheer amount of fangirling I do whenever I come into proximity to something Pokémon-related, especially if it's from the Ruby/Sapphire generation. It's an addiction. Anyway. Here's a quick fanfic I banged out in a couple of hours. It features Archie and Maxie, who share the spotlight as my favorite Pokévillians.

Archie has a bit of a potty mouth here, so there's your T rating. :I

And I cannot begin this story without the HUUUUUUGEST THANK YOU to my wonderful beta Belphegor, who patiently puts up with everything I send her way.

Disclaimer: As much I want to, I do not own Pokemon, or Archie, or Maxie. I do, however, own a Flareon stuffie an Oshawott stuffie, several buttons for my bookbag, an Eevee sweater, an Eevee figurine from the '90s, a Jolteon hat and a shirt with a Magikarp on it. So I guess there's some consolation there.

The Simple Things

Archie had always prided himself on appreciating the little things in life. The gentle sway of a rocking boat, sipping a warm mug of coffee as the sun crept over the still southern seas, one eye on the fishing pole dipped into the water.

Yes, Archie had always prided himself on his ability to unwind at the end of the day. And ever since that…incident two years ago, he was taking it very easy. As it turns out, being a wanted man has its perks—specifically, the ability to work around his own schedule.

Archie smirked a bit as he sipped at the cheap drink passing for coffee. Beside him, Mightyena yawned widely, baring his great fangs. The Bite Pokémon's red eyes locked on the doughnut hanging loosely from his master's hand.

Grinning, Archie turned to face Mightyena. "Ready, boy?" He wagged the doughnut in front of him in a tantalizing fashion.

Mightyena yipped, tail wagging in reminiscence of the little Poochyena he had once been. He stood, bouncing around Archie. Archie tossed the pastry high into the air. "Mightyena, use Crunch!"

Mightyena obeyed without hesitation. He leapt after the doughnut, caught it in his powerful jaws, and had devoured the treat before he hit the ground again. Licking his chops, Mightyena leaned in to his master as Archie rubbed behind his sensitive ears. "Impressive, I should've entered you in Contests—" his praise was interrupted by a sad clucking.

A Pelipper was staring at the duo with wide, pleading eyes. "Oh, no," Archie growled, "you're too fat for sweets. Shoo." He flapped his hands gently.

Shooting Mightyena a dark, jealous look, the Pelipper took off to rejoin a flock high in the lightening sky. Archie placed his hands on his hips, watching the flock wheel and dive. A faint breeze played with the ends of his bandanna "Prevailing northern winds, wouldn't you say? We'll be blown back towards Hoenn at this rate." Despite the comment, he was overly concerned with being steered towards Hoenn. The authorities hadn't caught him yet. In fact, he had greater faith in that teenager riding her Swampert up alongside his boat, announcing his arrest. Oooh, Maxie would get a kick out of that.

He maneuvered back to the helm of his cozy cabin cruiser. Before long the boat was skimming the ocean waves, speeding along with the winds. Mightyena sniffed the familiar air, tail wagging.

His master, meanwhile, was barely paying attention to the direction he was steering. Archie, who had lived on and around boats for as long as he could remember, controlled the vessel by instinct alone. Hoenn was on his mind again, as much as he hated it to be, as much as he fought against the undercurrent of memories. Team Aqua and Team Magma should have been a distant memory, but the images were as clear as yesterday. He could see the two ancient Pokémon locked in combat, a third descending from the sky to quell the battle…the stricken Maxie standing next to him, clutching the Blue Orb…his own gut-wrenching guilt, the Red Orb hot and heavy in his hands…

A bark from Mightyena jolted him back to awareness. He'd drifted too far to the left. Hastily he corrected his course, thanking Mightyena over the roar of the engine. Archie cursed under his breath, determined to stay in the present.

...

The portable antenna television crackled to life as Archie settled down in his berth with a beer and a cup of noodles. His Surskit settled down on his lap with a purr. Mightyena curled up next to him, red eyes also on the television.

Gabby, reporter extraordinaire, flickered to life. "We're bringing you an—bzzt—special report—bzzt—spike in villainous organizations—"

Archie's eyebrows flew into his bandanna. "C'mon," he slapped the top of the television with a growl, "stupid bargain sale prices…"

After a moment Gabby reappeared, her white smile nearly blinding. An imposing mountain loomed behind her in the background. "Tonight, we'll be delving into the secret histories of villainous teams and the recent spike in crimes across Sinnoh and Unova. We'll be speaking with experts from across the world—" There was a quick cut to a panel of professors, among them the famed Samuel Oak, "—as well as the brave heroes who thwarted the nefarious plans…" Archie tilted his head to the side as another panel, this one made up of young people, flashed across the screen. A girl with a green bandanna briefly nabbed his attention before Gabby reappeared. "Broadcasting live across the world, I'm Gabby, and this is our special six-o'-clock report."

Sensing his master's discomfort, Mightyena lifted his head to study Archie.

Archie rewarded his Pokémon's concern with a slight smirk. "This outta be good, huh, boy?" He settled back to watch, noodles forgotten.

...

The wind howled without end outside, pebbles and dirt clogging the windows of the modest cabin. A Numel lifted her head, blinking slowly and with evident concern.

"No need to fear, Lady," a cool voice spoke above her, "I am certain the storm will subside shortly."

When Lady did not acknowledge his words of assurance. Maxie looked up from his writings with an arched eyebrow. He relinquished the iron grip he'd had on his pen for the last two hours. Or has it been three? Maxie frowned at the clock on the wall. Whatever the time, it was getting late. Besides, time didn't matter much to a man who rarely ventured outside anymore.

"Time for dinner." He announced aloud, ignoring his sore muscles as he stood.

Maxie's pale brow furrowed as Lady ignored him, still staring at the door with rapt attention. Numel weren't known for being the most clever of Pokémon, even a young trainer knew that, but that didn't mean they couldn't sense danger when it approached.

With calm movements Maxie reached down to his belt, grasping one of his Pokéballs firmly. He'd never been a true battler—unlike Archie he preferred brains to brawn—but if push came to shove he'd show any intruder why he'd been the commander of Team Magma…

The door burst opened and at the same instant a pretty white fox materialized in front of Maxie. "If you were looking for refuge, I suggest you try somewhere else."

"Geez, Max, not even gonna let a man take a piss? I never thought you could be that cruel."

Maxie froze, stunned by the amicably gruff voice he hadn't heard in nearly two years. And still, after all these years, this voice never failed to put him on edge. "Archie." he recovered from his shock and sniffed, "what are you doing here?"

"Like I said," Archie's voice was muffled as he tore off his leather gloves with his teeth, "I need to take a piss." Next he removed his goggles, looking around Maxie's humble abode with interest.

Maxie crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against his desk. "You came all the way through a desert storm to use my facilities?"

"When a man has to go, a man has to go. Besides, my pecker would probably be ripped to shreds out in that storm." Archie shrugged as he crouched to rub Lady's snout, for the Numel had approached him with great curiosity. He smiled down at Lady with immediate affection. At the same time, Ninetales settled down on her hunches, no longer considering Archie to be a threat. Maxie glanced between Ninetales and Numel with a pinched expression.

"I envy your ability to connect with Pokémon," Maxie murmured in a tone which suggest anything but. "However, I have never known you to be cordial with mine."

"I never had a problem with your Pokémon," Archie returned, "it was their trainer and his pompous ass I never liked."

His pulse quickened slightly with irritation. Maxie tightened his already balled fists. "I'm in no mood for your antics, Archie."

"A pity," Archie sighed, "you must be getting too old for antics."

"I'd rather be old than fat."

The retort made Archie scowl and he stopped petting Lady. "I'm not fat."

"It's obvious you've been thriving on a diet of noodle packets and cheap beer." Maxie smirked as Archie looked down on his gut, which was admittedly larger than the last time they had met. "How did you find me? I've been hiding from a third of the Hoenn police force for two years, and you just waltz into my house?"

"Simple. I asked a kid if he'd seen any redheaded monsters lurking around, and he pointed me in this direction."

Fat as he was, Archie still had reflexes enough to duck when a thick leather-bound book came flying his way. He grinned as he straightened. "What a hothead! Did the big kids take your lunch money in kindergarten and now you're taking it out on the world?"

Maxie's brown eyes narrowed dangerously. He considered Archie very carefully, pondering whether punching him in the face would be worth it. After all, Archie was taller and heavier, and far more adept to physical violence. If they were to break out in fist-to-cuffs…for a long moment he stood shaking, fury and common sense waging their own personal battle within him. At last common sense won out. He sat back down at his desk with a heavy sigh. "Why are you here, Archie? One doesn't trek back through Hoenn, specifically Route One-Eleven, just for the sake of using my bathroom."

Archie collapsed down in a spare chair, the fragile Fortree wood groaning under his weight. "Did you see that report last week?"

"Yes." Maxie replied, wondering where this was going.

"We got a mention." There was a sad half-smile on Archie's face.

"If by mention you mean being lambasted as 'psycho eco-terrorists', then yes, we did get a mention."

"They called me a psycho," Archie corrected, "you were just scary. Still are." He'd watched the report with a knot in his throat, as expert psychologists, scientists, and even Pokémon rangers had been called upon to testify on how inane the goals of Team Aqua and Team Magma had been. They had twisted his words, his ideals for a better world, into utter nonsense.

Not that they'd been any kinder to Maxie.

"Some crazy shit people get involved in these days, huh?" He attempted a smile. "I mean, Team Galactic looked to be a bunch of nuts. Who was their leader anyway? Circe? Cyprus?"

"Cyrus." Maxie corrected. "Yes…Team Galactic made us seem rather benevolent, didn't they?"

"And Team Plasma!" Archie's laugh closely resembled a Mightyena's bark, "they were about as subtle as a Mach Punch to the face! They just keep getting crazier and crazier, don't they?"

"Indeed. Not that we and Team Rocket were the best role models." Maxie observed. He made a steeple out of his fingers, keeping his gaze away from Archie. Lady had curled up at her master's feet, her warmth seeping through his tired bones. "I think I'm getting too old for this, Archie. The world is passing me by."

"Well, you were old to begin with. And the world is gonna pass you by regardless if you insist on holing up in some godforsaken shack in the middle of the desert." Archie tried to keep his voice jovial and mocking, but there was a definite strain in it.

"We wanted to change the world for the better. Even if your plan was stupider than mine," Maxie flickered an eye in Archie's direction and waited for him to get riled up. When the brawny man didn't, he continued. "We never wanted to destroy the universe. We never wanted to take Hoenn under complete control…we awoke legendary behemoths, yes, but we never intended to enslave them…unless I'm giving you more credit than you deserve."

Archie shook his head. "The sea is my freedom. Kyorge is the sea. What sort of seafarer could I claim to be if I enslaved Kyorge? And yet…we—I—came that close to…" he buried his head in his hands, sickened by what he had done.

"We came that close to destroying the world." Maxie whispered.

Archie looked up at him sharply. For the first time, for the proper, real first time, he studied Maxie. By Arceus, this man was getting old. Wrinkles that hadn't been there two years ago had etched themselves into his face. He was thinner than Archie remembered, with sunken cheeks and hollow eyes. His red hair had lost much of its fire-like shine. Another first thought came to Archie, and he blurted it out before he had time to compose it. "Don't go dying on me!"

A glimmer of the old, irritable Maxie broke through the wrinkle-laden mask. "What?"

"Well, Giovanni's been missing for five years. Ghetsis is alone on the run, and Cyrus is as good as dead or worse…" A cold chill ran down Archie's spine as he thought of the fate of the young leader of Team Galactic, "if…if your old ass were to up and have a heart attack in this damn cabin, I wouldn't have any more reason to visit the mainland anymore, and worse yet, I wouldn't have anyone to talk too about having a teeny-bopper kick my ass from here to Sootopolis city, would I?"

In his sudden panic he had stood without realizing it. He took a moment to catch his breath, to begin again about how boring life would be if his archnemesis weren't around, when a low chuckling stopped him.

Stunned, Archie sat back down.

Maxie was laughing.

More specifically, Maxie was laughing at him.

He'd never heard Maxie laugh before, and yet he wasn't surprised by the sound of it. It was the high, hiccuping kind, the sort that got irritating after a bit. Archie folded his arms across his massive chest. Nothing could have hidden the miffed and embarrassed look on his face.

Maxie pressed a hand to his mouth in an effort to stifle his obnoxious laughter. "Archie, how old do you think I am?"

"Er…I dunno. Old?"

"I'm forty, Archie. I've only got two years on you. And between the two of us I don't think I'm the one who needs to be concerned about heart attacks."

Archie arched his eyebrows and took to staring at the ceiling. Maxie watched with interest as a slight tremor ran the length of Archie's body, indicating an urge to laugh, or cry, or maybe a little bit of both.

Maxie folded his hands together. Well. Times certainly have changed. Is Archie about to cry because I laughed at him? The idea was amusing at first, but then became steadily more horrifying the longer Archie stared at the ceiling.

When the silence was finally broken, it wasn't by either of them. It was Lady, who yawned loudly and puffed white smoke from her nostrils. She stood, tottered over to Archie, and began to rub her head against his pant leg. He leaned down to pet her, still avoiding Maxie's eyes.

"You were serious."

"No shit, Detective Obvious."

"Archie…you never gave me a satisfactory reason for your being here."

"I got blown back," Archie muttered gruffly, "so I thought I would just check up on you."

"And use my facilities."

"Yeah," He stood and stretched, "still gotta take that piss."

The silence was pervasive as Maxie reread what he had written that afternoon a dissertation on Fire-types and the weaknesses they possessed to Water-types). Archie, meanwhile, was in awe of Maxie's immaculate bathroom.

When he finally recovered from the idea of a man keeping everything so tidy, he returned to find Maxie engrossed in what he had written, so absorbed he didn't even notice Archie pulling his gloves and goggles back on.

"Max. I'm off."

The redhead looked up sharply, eyes narrowing at the image of Archie standing by the door. "Archibald. Try not to get arrested out there. It'd be a hassle to come watch your execution."

"I'm flattered, Maxie. You truly have a gift with words."

Maxie didn't reply, save for a very rude one-fingered salute. Archie grinned wickedly and wrenched the door open.

He shut it again promptly, hacking and spitting out sand and pebbles. From his desk Maxie smirked, but that smirk that quickly morphed into an expression of horror when Archie announced it was too rough to travel just yet and Maxie's place was as good a place to crash for the night as any.

Archie beamed as Maxie slowly raised his head to glare at him. It was the grin of a child poking a caged Raticate, and boy oh boy, was this redheaded Raticate riled.

Yes, Archie was a man of simple pleasures indeed.

Hardenshipping levels spiking, Captain!

I don't...I don't even know what the point of this was. I just started tapping away at the keyboard and hoped what I wrote sounded coherent. This might have had a point or a plot at some point, but I digress. I think I like two criminals taking potshots at each other just fine.

~Chaos

Hope you all enjoyed!