Chapter 5: Our place

'There's a ledge we should sit on together.'

I spent my life becoming invisible. In the woods, moving soundlessly from tree to tree. In the Seam, trying not to attract any notice. Making sure that no one really sees you is the surest way of being left alone.

The Hunger Games changed all that. Everyone sees me now. But no one sees me as clearly as Peeta. To him I seem to be a light in the darkness.

Listening to the humming fence, I want. I want to hunt. I want to be out there where I'm invisible. I want to be Katniss-from-before-the-Games again.

'The fence is electrified,' Peeta points out. I whip around and react.

'I know. You told me. And I can hear. I'm not an idiot.'

I turn towards the fence and what lies beyond as it starts to rain. I want to sit on a ledge out there like before, without the emptiness of the place next to me troubling me. Right now even Peeta would do to fill it. I can't have what I want. I can't get that Katniss-from-before-the-Games back, because the Games are in me now. Poisoning me. Like night lock, but much, much slower. Drawing out my agony. Forever reminding me of what I have lost.

'We had a place,' I can hear myself say. I instantly hate myself for it, yet, I continue.

'Gale and me. A rock ledge overlooking the valley. We'd sit there.'

Everything is less and more wonderful than I make it out to be. The woods I long for never existed. They've been full of eyes since the day I was called Catnip instead of Katniss. I wasn't invisible there either.

'You didn't tell him how you felt,' Peeta says. It's not a question. Of course, it's difficult to talk about feelings when you're as wishy-washy about them as I am. Wishy-washy, unsure, unable to figure any of it out. Filled with regret.

'You can't replace him,' I assert.

'I'm not trying to. You have to accept you missed your chance with him,' he carefully suggests.

'I wish he hadn't volunteered.'

Upset, Peeta flinches. Well, why wouldn't he be upset? If Gale hadn't volunteered, Peeta would most likely be dead. I watch horrified as the hurt spreads across Peeta's face. That is definitely pain that I caused. Immediately, I open my mouth to take it all back, but Peeta beats me to it. Why is it that when I say the most horrible thing, he always has to respond by saying the kindest thing?

'I'm in love with you.'

'What?'

'I love you, so I wish I could have gone. I wish I could have protected you. Then he'd still be here. I love you.'

'Stop it,' I snap. Angrily, Peeta shakes his head.

'No. I love you,' he insists.

'What do you expect of me?' I ask. I'm quivering with rage. He is too.

'I expect nothing!'

'Yes, you do. You want me to love you back. Don't you think I want to?'

Rain streams down our faces. We don't speak for the longest time. I think I might be crying. Maybe he can't see it in the downpour; I hope so.

'Alright,' he eventually says. 'That's alright.'

(***)

Before the 75th Hunger Games are announced, I swing by Peeta's house. It's cold and light. I wonder what I am. What does Peeta see when he sees me? A black bird stark against a white background? I thrust my apology at him as soon as he opens the door.

'I'm sorry about what I said.'

The words sounds abrasive. As if I'm trying to pick a fight again. I sigh. Around Peeta I'm reduced to reacting. It's annoying, to say the least. Like the look he's giving me now. As if I'm too bright to look at directly, but he can't bring himself to look away.

'I'm not,' he counters, grinning. I shrug, because what else can I do? Tell him that I'm ashamed that I don't have a heart he can break? He pulls the door closed behind him and falls into step beside me. We enjoy a few rare minutes without him professing his love for me in one way or another and me keeping my temper in check. It's peaceful.

The announcement of the Quarter Quell dashes everything.

President Snow selects an envelope and pulls out the card. His teeth glint. Peeta grabs my hand and squeezes. I allow the warmth of his strong fingers to flow through me. Snow reads the instructions. I freeze. My eyes search the crowd for Prim. She smiles bravely at me. I look up at Peeta to encounter the same smile.

'I'll protect her. Like Gale protected you,' he whispers. I can barely feel his touch. The announcement is clear. The last male and female saved by someone volunteering in their place must compete. Prim and Peeta.

'Smile,' he urges, letting go off my hand. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I do it. For the cameras, for the Capitol, for President Snow, for everyone who dares to look at me in this private moment. I fake a smile, while I feel like I'm falling apart inside.

(***)

Author's note: Inspired by the song 'Nothing to remember' by Neko Case from the original Hunger Games soundtrack.