title: this lightning strike isn't always kind

author: ivory muse

rating: t

genre: drama/tragedy

characters: azula, zuko, ilah, mai, ty lee, ursa, zhao, azulon, ozai, iroh

summary: no one loves me, and neither do i. / twenty facts about princess azula. the evolution of a madwoman.

i. Her father is fond of saying that she was born lucky, while Zuko was lucky to be born, but, in fact, the opposite is true. Zuko, though a winter child, slid out quickly, and Azula took a day and a half, wailing and kicking with all of her feeble strength once she finally emerged.

ii. She produces her first spark at the tender age of three, when she is having far too much fun being the demon in her game of kagome kagome. She doesn't miss the gleam of pride in Father's eyes once she shows him, or the crushed disappointment in Zuko's.

iii. Grandmother Ilah teaches Azula far more than she needs to know about madness- the muffled screams that come from her bedchamber at night, the way everybody clears their throats and changes the subject whenever her name is mentioned.

iv. Though she has a regular bending instructor, Father often supplements her lessons. One day, he tells her to practice her aim on the turtleducks in the pond, and though it makes a horrible smell she obeys. Mother never quite forgives her for that.

v. She has never lived up to her mother's expectations. Mother spent her pregnancy embroidering dress-up robes and mixing little jars of kabuki makeup, anticipating a dainty, delicate lotus blossom- instead, she has a warrior-in-training that wants to discuss Lin dynasty policies at the breakfast table.

vi. When she's seven, she's sent to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls and hates it. The other students are spoiled, spiteful brats, the teachers overgrown versions of their pupils. Her lessons are a joke, too. Painting? Ornamental calligraphy? Meanwhile, Zuko gets to learn things like astronomy and military tactics, and he doesn't even appreciate them, while she has to sneak books back to her dormitory and pore over them by candlelight.

vii. She doesn't hate her brother- really, she doesn't. She just finds him alarmingly weak- quick to cry, quick to search for a skirt to cling to, quick to try and nurse orphaned rabiroos back to health. All of this would be acceptable if he wasn't a prince, but he is, and Mother certainly isn't helping him become stronger. That means that it's up to her to light his ponytail on fire and see if he'll do anything more proactive than screaming for someone to put it out.

viv. Eight is when she makes her first 'friends.' Ty Lee is very, very perky, loves pink, and enjoys spontaneous hugging - she's also a gifted gymnast and can supposedly read auras, plus she's the only person who seems to genuinely like her. Mai is dour and filled with ennui and rarely speaks, but she's fiercely intelligent and as fed up with noble life as she. She discovers, after a while, that she values their company beyond the connections they provide her with.

x. She, Mai, and Ty Lee are practicing their shamisens in the courtyard during winter holiday when Zuko happens to stumble upon them. While the acrobat is nonplussed and cheerfully greets him, Mai blushes, stammers, and can hardly look him in the eye. Azula files this episode away for future reference.

xi. A week later, she devises the perfect prank- she uses her most cunning smiles to get Mother to make Zuko play with them, then sticks a flaming apple on Mai's head. Of course, Zuko runs to knock it off, launching both into the nearby fountain. They're furious, but it'll teach Mai a lesson about Zuko's remarkable tendency to screw things up.

xii. Uncle Iroh sends her and Zuko presents from the war front. Zuko gets a ceremonial dagger from the general at the Outer Wall of Ba Sing Se with an engraved message- never give up without a fight. She gets a doll dressed in the 'latest Earth Kingdom fashion'. Rest assured, her gift goes up in flames. She will never forget such an insult.

xiii. She openly disdains Fire Lord Azulon, even though she is named for him. Father tells her, privately, that he lost his touch years ago, and that somebody competent needs to replace him soon. And she can get away with her little disrespectful jabs because nobody will charge a little girl with treason.

xiv. When she hears of her cousin Lu Ten's death, she feels nothing at all- she hardly knew him. What concerns her is that Uncle Iroh is coming home, when General Iroh should be burning Ba Sing Se to the ground instead. Yes, his son is dead- hundreds of sons are killed every day, many under his command, and he falls to pieces once a loss hits close to home. He hasn't even bothered to appoint a replacement- he's just calling off the siege like the loser he is. No wonder he and Zuko are so fond of each other.

xv. She does not demonstrate her superior intellect and firebending prowess for her grandfather, who she knows will be unimpressed, but for her father- judging by the half smile her rewards her with, he's pleased. Her success is only exacerbated by Zuko's pathetic attempts to emulate her.

xvi. She can never turn down an opportunity to taunt Zuko, but there's a warning beneath her jabs. Honestly, Dad's going to kill him- why can't he grasp that and do something, even if it's finding a nice Earth Kingdom family to adopt him?

xvii. Mother says a lingering goodbye to Zuko before she leaves. Patiently, Azula waits for hers, too.

xviii. It never comes.

xviv. Azula does not miss her mother, for she was pathetic and weak and soft and those things are unacceptable in a land of flame and metal. She keeps telling herself this, and eventually comes to believe it, because she's as good at lying to herself as to other people.

xx. Her father is Fire Lord, but her brother is crown prince. Almost perfect. And almost isn't good enough. On paper, the Fire Nation is a gender equal society. In reality, Azula knows that she will have to work twice as hard to be respected because of what is in between her legs. That's why she laughs (bitterly) whenever Zuko whines about how difficult everything is for him- he has everything handed to him on a silver platter. She's had to fight, and her struggles have made her superior.