I swore to myself that I would start no more Kakairu fics, but this has been sitting on my computer for ages and I'm kind of interested in seeing where it's going, because it's such a weird concept. Iruka's not particularly strong-willed in this one, but… he has his reasons. They're both pretty OOC, to be honest. I'm hoping (if it ever goes any further) it will be done in maybe six chapters?

Warning for (hopefully not too explicit) yaoi,and general bad language.

o0o

Kakashi glanced around the bar, bored out of his skull. Genma was shirtless, dancing like a maniac and singing "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy yeeaaah" despite the fact that the song playing was an old school ballad and everyone else on the dance floor was swaying gently with a partner. Raidou was glaring daggers at Genma and drowning his sorrows in another beer.

Kurenai was giggling wildly and leaning too far into Asuma, who looked much too happy about it. Anko was chatting up anyone who would listen and telling them that there was a party in her pants and it's open invitation. Gai was standing in the corner (facing it; he'd had quite a few by then) flexing his muscles and flashing blinding smiles at the wall. He was way too sober for this.

Kakashi sighed. He didn't intend to get drunk. He never drunk. He couldn't understand why any of these perfectly respectable (depending on your viewpoint) ninja would want to stuff themselves full of alcohol. Was he the only one who saw that it impaired your ability to make good choices and slowed your reflexes? Why would anyone want that?

Someone was tugging on his sleeve so he turned, much too fast for the tipsy shinobi around him, and got a faceful of boob. Kurenai giggled. Asuma scowled. The other thing about going out to get drunk, he thought dourly, is the horrendous outfits people decide to wear. He wouldn't call what Kurenai was wearing a dress. It seemed to him it was more like cling wrap, and not a lot of it either. "Hey, hey, Kashashi," she said in a stage whisper.

He raised an eyebrow at her. It also affected your ability to talk properly and to respect other people's personal space, it seemed. "What?"

She giggled again. He really didn't like that noise coming from her. He respected her too much as a kunoichi to want to see her like this. "Kashashi should go get 'Roosha."

He frowned. "My name is Kakashi."

"Shakaki?"

"Never mind." He decided to ignore her. She wasn't making much sense and he probably didn't want to hear it anyway.

"Roosha," she insisted, pulling her hair back into an impromptu ponytail and glaring at him. She deepened her voice slightly and waggled a finger in his face. "You go 'way 'n finnis that report proply, Hatashi Kashaki."

"Iruka-sensei? Why would you want me to go get him?"

"Becors he likes you," Kurenai said, leaning forward and only not falling flat on her face because of Asuma's arms around her waist.

"Iruka-sensei likes everyone," Kakashi said, confused. Maybe they were just trying to get rid of him. He wasn't the best company, even he could see that, and despite the fact he wanted to leave being asked to hurt just a little.

"Oh no, he has a gigantic crush on you," put in Genma, who was now standing behind his shoulder and leering. Despite how he'd been acting most of the night he didn't seem drunk at all. "And I know you like him too, right?"

He jabbed Kakashi in the side in an attempted nudge. Maybe he was drunk. He definitely wasn't feeling the 'touch me and you die' vibe that Kakashi was exerting. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you're always teasing him."

Kakashi shrugged. "It's fun to get a rise out of people, and he's just so easy to annoy."

"The real reason you should go get him is because we haven't seen him for the past two weeks," Raidou put in before Genma could annoy Kakashi to the point of his life being in danger. "It's school holidays but he hasn't come out with us once, and he's not working the mission desk. We don't know what's wrong and he says it's nothing but he spends all his time at home."

"Then why do you want me to go? I'm not even his friend," Kakashi pointed out. "Shouldn't one of you do it?"

"We already told you that." Genma poked him with a senbon. "He likes you. If his crush asks him to come out maybe he will."

"Fine. I'll go." Kakashi sighed and stood up. At least this way he could just leave, they were giving him the perfect excuse. He could go home, run a bath and read Icha Icha until the water got cold. Everyone at the table cheered as he slunk out the door. It made him feel incredibly unappreciated.

He had intended to just go home, but his feet thought differently and he found himself standing in front of the apartment building of Umino Iruka. Well, now I'm here I might as well ask him to go out, he thought grimly, and hoped the chūnin wouldn't get mad and throw him out the window or something.

Kakashi knocked on the door. There was no answer, but extremely loud music was coming from within the apartment so he figured Iruka couldn't hear him. He knocked again and the door squeaked open. What useless defences, he thought. He's supposed to be a chūnin.

"Hello?" he called, feeling stupid and like an intruder. The music was much louder inside, so he closed the door behind him to prevent the neighbours from complaining. It sounded heavy, with loud guitars and a thrumming bass line, and wasn't something he'd have connected to the blushing, innocent Sensei. No one answered, of course; he found it hard to even hear his own voice.

He stretched out his chakra and found an answering flare in a room to his right, where the music seemed to be coming from. The door was closed, so he knocked hesitantly on it. He had a bad feeling about this. I should have just gone home and had a bath and not worried about what those freaks were saying. But he'd come this far, and he wasn't about to leave now. He pushed open the door, and froze.

Iruka was lying on his back with his eyes closed on a slightly rumpled bed, completely naked. His right hand was alternating between stroking and petting his half hard cock. It didn't look like he was jerking off, more like he was just… playing. It was incredibly strange, and Kakashi couldn't keep his eyes off it.

Kakashi stepped closer, and Iruka's eyes flew open. He jumped a little at seeing Kakashi but didn't stop what he was doing. He reached over for a remote that was lying beside him on the bed and turned the music down to a more acceptable level. Kakashi felt his ears ringing. "I thought I told you not to do that," Iruka scolded. He didn't seem embarrassed at all.

"Do what?" Kakashi asked, rubbing his eyes. This is a dream, right? This can't be real. Kurenai just put a fucked up genjutsu on me.

Iruka sighed, then sat up, smiled and patted a space next to him on the bed. "Come here."

Kakashi sat down on the very edge of the bed tentatively and wondered if there were any Icha Icha plotlines that went like this. It was bizarre to say the least. Then Iruka was wrapping his arms around him and he was suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that Iruka was naked, warm and – he surprised himself with the thought – not particularly hard on the eyes.

"You shouldn't do it, you know, Ruru," Iruka mumbled into his shirt, "It's not fair on him. I know you just want to make me feel better but it'll probably just make things worse in the end."

"My name's not Ruru, it's Kakashi."

Iruka sighed like this was something he'd gone through many times before. "Would you prefer me to call you that?"

Kakashi nodded. "It's my name."

Iruka just looked at him sadly. "Just for tonight, K-Kakashi." He stumbled over the name as if he had trouble forcing it out. He smiled brightly, but Kakashi could tell it was just to cover that he'd been upset by something. "So, can I see what your face looks like tonight? You do make some funny versions."

He was reaching for the mask, and Kakashi instinctively pushed his hand away. The unhappiness in those dark brown eyes made him almost reconsider, but then he remembered Iruka had just called his face funny. How would he know what his face looked like anyway? "I'm sorry. I just – I'm going to go to bed now. You can leave the light on if you want."

Iruka backed away, his eyes downcast and his shoulders slumped. It hurt for some inexplicable reason, seeing him like that, and Kakashi yanked the mask down without thinking. Iruka gasped, and suddenly there was a naked chūnin in his lap stroking his face with gentle fingers. "Oh," Iruka breathed. "You've never done this for me before."

Kakashi wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about, of course he hadn't, he didn't take off his mask for anyone, but found he couldn't talk. The feel of the chūnin pressing against him, running his fingers down his jaw, staring at him with adoring eyes – it was turning him on. It had been a long time since he'd gotten laid, and he no longer cared who Iruka thought he was. Kakashi tilted his head slightly and slipped his tongue between the chūnin's slightly parted lips.

Iruka kissed him back after a moment's hesitation, touching the foreign muscle in his mouth gently with his own, and made gorgeous little moaning sounds. Kakashi had just decided that that had been the best idea ever when Iruka pulled back, looking horrified and ashamed. "I'm not that bad, am I?" Kakashi asked, raising his eyebrow.

"No you're, you're too good." Iruka was almost breathless, and Kakashi thought it looked good on him. "Gods, I shouldn't be doing this."

"Why not?" Kakashi asked. Iruka was making him crazy. He had no idea what was going on, and he just wanted to have sex. Preferably sooner rather than later.

"Because you're me, I'm you! This is weird." Iruka bit his lip and gazed at Kakashi. He looked adorable.

Kakashi had no idea why Iruka would think they were the same person, but he decided he might as well use it to his advantage. "Just think of it as an advanced sort of masturbation," he said, "You were doing it before so I know you don't have a problem with it."

"I can't." Iruka's face said that he really, really wanted to. "It's not right for you to do this in Kakashi's image. Henge back, Ruru, so you don't turn me on anymore."

"Please?" Kakashi curled his fingers around the younger man's cock. It was warm and soft and jumped in his hands.

"Oh, but," Iruka gasped and braced himself on Kakashi's shoulders as the jounin stroked him. "But this is wrong."

"But I want to bury myself inside you and fuck you 'til you come, screaming my name."

"K-kashi?"

"That's right. That's what you say when you cover me with your seed."

"Kakashi." Iruka's nimble hands were pulling at his zipper, tossing off his vest and pulling his shirt over his head. Then Iruka's warm, supple mouth was kissing his chest, sucking his nipples, tracing from his neck down to the thin trail of hair below his belly button, making him gasp.

"Hey Iruka, did you miss me?"

Iruka froze. They both looked towards the door where another Iruka, a clothed mirror image of the one on Kakashi's lap, stood staring at them. "Something I should know?" the Iruka in the doorway said coolly.

Naked Iruka stared at him, confused. "Ruru? Then who is…?" He slowly turned back to Kakashi, turned an alarming shade of red and shot to the other side of the bed, holding a pillow in front of him to hide his nakedness. "You actually are Kakashi, aren't you?" he groaned.

"I did try to tell you that," Kakashi pointed out. "You just didn't listen to me. Could you explain what this is about?"

Naked Iruka pointed an accusing finger at clothed Iruka. "Where were you? You're not supposed to leave the house. I made a horrible mistake because of you."

"I'm a horrible mistake?" Kakashi felt a bit put out. "Can't you save that decision until after we fuck?"

Naked Iruka hid behind his pillow. Clothed Iruka blushed. "He didn't mean to touch you like that. He probably thought you were me."

Kakashi glared at him. "I know I'm supposed to be a genius and all, but I don't get this. There are two Iruka's, and somehow you Iruka looks like me and him Iruka touches you when you look like me? What. The. Hell?"

"Er." Clothed Iruka scratched his nose. "It's not quite like that."

"Then tell me what it is like," Kakashi growled. Why am I not in a bath with Icha Icha right now?

"Konohamaru was trying to make a clone for the end of year exam and I think Naruto must have tried to teach him the shadow clone technique because somehow he managed to create me," clothed Iruka said apologetically. "But I'm not really a clone, it's more like he split us in half. So we're both Iruka."

"That doesn't explain why he thought I was you."

"Well, I henge into you every so often." He had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "It makes him feel better if he gets a hug from you, and we're not supposed to leave the apartment until Tsunade-sama figures out how to fix this so he's kind of lonely."

Kakashi glanced over at naked Iruka, who was still huddling behind his pillow. He smiled sarcastically and held out his arms. "You want a hug?"

"Don't tease me, Kakashi-sensei," naked Iruka whispered, sounding heart-broken. "Why – why did you take off your mask?"

Oh, shit. He'd forgotten about that. Kakashi fumbled around his neck in an attempt to pull it back over his face. Clothed Iruka reached out as if to stop him. "Please don't. It's… your face is beautiful."

Beautiful? He'd never been called that before. "So. What happens now?" Kakashi looked from clothed Iruka to naked Iruka, who looked at each other. "Can I play with both of you?"

Clothed Iruka blushed and took a step back. Naked Iruka hid his face in the pillow. Kakashi sighed. "Is the prospect of sex with me really that bad?"

"No!" Both the Iruka's spoke at once. Naked Iruka clutched at his pillow and said quietly, "I don't want to do anything with you if you only want me for tonight. I like you too much."

"You mean you want a relationship with me?" Kakashi asked, surprised.

Both Iruka's nodded.

"I've never been in one of those before," Kakashi mused. "What's it like?"

Naked Iruka stared at him. "You're… actually considering it?"

"Why is that surprising?"

"Well, you're famous and powerful and all that. Everybody knows who you are, and everyone wants to be your friend. I'm just a plain old chuunin." Iruka stared at the sheets. Clothed Iruka shifted his gaze to the floor.

"Is that a big deal? If we were in a relationship, that is."

"I guess people would wonder why you were with me, but that's not really what I was meaning. I just didn't think you'd like me." Iruka couldn't look at him.

Kakashi thought about it. "I don't really want a relationship."

Naked Iruka struggled to keep himself together. Clothed Iruka scowled. "You should probably leave now," he said, voice icy.

"Why? That doesn't mean I don't like you. And I still want to sleep with you."

Clothed Iruka grabbed his arm, pulled him up off the bed and forced him bodily out the door. "We told you that's not on offer," he hissed. "And you really hurt his feelings, you know."

He could resist if he wanted, he could easily best Iruka even if there was two of him, but somehow he felt that would be a Very Bad Idea and so he let himself be manhandled and simply leaned against the wall outside as the door was slammed shut in his face. He listened to the violent click as the bolts were slid roughly home. Obviously he wasn't wanted here.

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets and wandered home. He'd forgotten to tell Iruka that his friends missed him, but he understood why the chūnin was holing himself up in his little apartment now and had the feeling that he might not survive if he returned there. He hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about the chūnin sensei before, but now he had to admit he was curious.

Apparently he wasn't just an innocent, blushing school teacher. From the way he kissed and touched he obviously had some sort of experience, and was definitely interested in him, Hatake Kakashi. Too bad he probably won't ever want to speak to me again, after that.

o0o

Kakashi startled awake to the sound of one of the Hokage's messenger birds tapping impatiently on his window. He slid up the pane and took the message before he'd even thought about what he was doing and cursed as the bird flew off. He was going to have to do whatever the scroll said now, or else he'd be given D-ranks for a month. He did not want to see Tsunade right now. In fact, he didn't want to do anything except perhaps get back into bed and continue that nice dream he'd been having.

He glared down at his morning wood. One Umino Iruka – well to be precise, two of him – had commandeered his dreams last night, in a way that hadn't happened since he was a horny teenager filled with eager sperm and unable to communicate clearly with anyone, let alone a good looking girl (or boy; he'd never been picky) willing to lift her skirt for him. He sighed and settled down to take care of business as quickly and emotionlessly as possible. Whatever Tsunade wanted it could wait ten minutes.

He tried focusing solely on the feeling of his palm as he stroked, and when that didn't work he resorted to picturing himself buried deep in an unnamed busty Icha Icha heroine. He knew he was in trouble when her boobs flattened out into a smooth tanned chest, and a thin line of long-healed scar tissue appeared below her expressive brown eyes. He bit back the name on his lips as he came.

o0o

"Finally, brat." Tsunade scowled at him as he strolled into her office half an hour late and stood slouched, hands jammed into his pockets like he had better places to be.

"I was sleeping, Hokage-sama." Kakashi was too shaken by his morning revelation to think up an excuse to his usual level of creativeness.

Tsunade snorted, but didn't comment. "Iruka-sensei told me you visited him yesterday," she said conversationally.

Kakashi just barely stopped his head from jerking up in surprise. What exactly had Iruka said? "Maa, I was asked by some of his friends to check up on him as he hadn't been very social lately."

Tsunade nodded disinterestedly. "I want to know if you noticed any differences between them, Iruka and Ruru. I don't have any leads to fix this and I don't want one of my best teachers out of commission when school starts again."

Differences? Kakashi's mind hadn't really been focusing on figuring anything like that out. The only real difference he'd picked up on was that one was wearing uniform and the other was naked, but he wasn't about to tell Tsunade that. He had the feeling she'd beat his head into the desk if she thought he'd taken advantage of one of her favourite shinobi. "They both seemed to be functioning properly so why would you make him stop teaching?"

"It's dangerous," Tsunade said flatly. "Being split like that his chakra is also halved, and he didn't have a lot of that to begin with. I'm sure he could still handle a class but it would be very draining on him, and I can't send him out on missions at all."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You send him on missions?"

Tsunade scowled. "Don't look so surprised, brat. He's more capable as a shinobi than you think."

"But he already works two jobs, right?" Kakashi pointed out. "I didn't think he'd have time to go on missions."

Tsunade evaded the question neatly. "Tell me, Kakashi, how did he tell you it happened, the split?"

"Konohamaru."

It was Tsunade's turn to look surprised. "And you believed him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "He's Iruka-sensei. I didn't even consider that he'd lie to me." And I had other things on my mind at that point.

Tsunade snorted. "You think that Sarutobi brat could perform a jutsu of that level? It wasn't a mistake, it was done on purpose."

"Yeah?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What could anyone hope to achieve by casting that sort of jutsu on someone who hardly ever leaves the village?"

Tsunade frowned. "I don't know. I would assume it was someone who held a personal grudge against him, but I can't think of anyone who does. He's liked by everyone."

Kakashi thought about it. He didn't know much about Iruka, but he seemed well liked. "He was injured by a leaf-shinobi once, wasn't he? When Naruto stole the forbidden scroll."

"Mizuki?" Tsunade shook her head. "That guy's long gone. Orochimaru warped his brain and he obediently took some sort of potion that ate away at his body until there was nothing left. Even if he was still around I don't know if he was close enough to Iruka-sensei to do something like this."

"He works in the missions office, doesn't he? How much does he know about the village?"

"Probably everything." Tsunade worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "I didn't even think of that. He knows most of the children and a large per cent of the active adult shinobi, how they fight and what their weaknesses are. His file says that he was a prankster as a child and made use of the sewers to get around undetected, so he probably has an extremely good map of the village in his head, both above and below ground."

"So he's a bad person to have captured," Kakashi concluded for her.

Tsunade rubbed her forehead tiredly. "I shouldn't have even been sending him out on missions at all. I just didn't think about it."

"Do you have someone watching over him? You can't exactly keep him holed up in his apartment forever, he'll implode."

"Well, I did." Tsunade glared at the papers on her desk. "But we have so much work and so little shinobi at the moment that I don't really have anyone to spare for much longer. That, and the version of him that calls himself 'Ruru' objected to being watched and set immature traps for my ANBU. None of them want to watch him any more, and I have to pay them extra to get them to agree to even take one shift."

Kakashi stared hard at her. "He set traps and ANBU got caught in them?"

"I'm afraid so." Tsunade leaned back in her chair and rested her feet on the desk. "The Sandaime obviously knew what he was doing, taking that brat under his wing. He's only really still a chūnin because he refuses to take the jōnin exam."

Kakashi frowned. "That can't be right. He left his door unlocked and didn't even notice I was there until I was a few steps away. No jōnin would ever put themselves in such a vulnerable position."

"His ability to reason properly has gone down since he's managed to get himself split in half," Tsunade admitted. "Frankly, it's worrying." She paused, looking thoughtful. "Hang on, you wouldn't be interested in watching over him, would you?"

"Me? I don't think he would be too happy with that arrangement." Actually, I doubt he ever wants to see my face again.

"The more I think about it, the more I realise you'd be perfect," Tsunade carried on as if he hadn't said anything. "Don't do it in a surveillance type way, just go round to his house and be buddy-buddy with him. Concentrate on trying to pick up differences between the two Iruka's and watch out for anyone suspicious around him."

"You realise that I've never been "buddy-buddy" with anyone in my life, don't you?" The more he thought about it, the worse he realised the idea was. Unfortunately, Tsunade seemed to think the opposite.

"Then it's a good opportunity for you, isn't it? Learn to be more social." Tsunade gave a feral grin. "Who knows, some of his good traits might rub off on you."

Kakashi started thinking about Iruka 'rubbing off on him' and swallowed heavily. "If he can trick ANBU then what's to stop him from castrating me when he finds out I've been pretending to be his friend?"

Tsunade stared at him as if he were stupid. "What makes you think that he won't become your friend?"

Kakashi gave her his best impassive glare. "I don't have friends." I have acquaintances. And, considering our lovely interaction last night, I doubt he even wants to be one of those.

"Well, it's high time you found one then, isn't it?" Tsunade smirked. "And if anyone has guts enough to try and befriend you, it's Iruka. Stop making excuses, I've already decided to assign this to you." She slipped her feet off the desk, leaned forward and scribbled something on a piece of paper before handing it to him.

Kakashi squinted at the words doubtfully. "I don't think even the sharingan could decode this."

"It can't be that bad." Tsunade snatched the paper back off him, frowned at her own writing and then handed it back sheepishly. "Well, that's why I want Iruka-sensei back at work again as soon as possible. He's usually the one who writes up the mission requests."

"I can see why," Kakashi muttered darkly.

"Anyway, it just says that you're to look after him up until the point that he becomes one person again. You'll get A-rank wages for it, and it shouldn't be too hard. Try to enjoy it, take it as time off. Your file says you haven't taken vacation time since you were eight years old."

That would be because I never wanted a vacation. Just because he looks incredibly fuckable doesn't mean I want to babysit him. "You're not going to let me refuse this mission, are you?"

"Have you ever refused a mission?" Tsunade smirked at him, and he was forced to admit that no, he hadn't, and it would be a waste to start now.

Kakashi scowled. How did I ever get dragged into this mess? "Fine. What exactly do you want from me?"

o0o