A/n: Also this fic is written in collaboration with TheLonelyGod... check out her fic He is Coming. The italics is stuff said over the COM links, and the bold is action. Ah she is so sweet promoting my fic aaaahh! Back off this is my authors note, jeez!
Summary: Just another day at S.H.I.E.L.D. Storm Troopers are invading… Wait, what! How is this Starks fault you ask. Well its quite simple really…
Disclaimer:Avengers is not ours!
Loki: Gratefully…
Tony: I can't believe I am saying this, but yeah thankfully it's not.
Natasha: They're awfully chummy.
Coulson: Yes they do seem… almost friendly.
Loki/Tony: You do realize we can hear you.
Natasha/Coulson: …
Enjoy!
"Candy to anyone who can name the other master marksman employed by S.H.I.E.L.D." Hawkeye announced fiddling with his bow. Thor looks at him mildly amused and extremely confused, Stark simply rolls his eyes, and everyone else can't be bothered to care. "Bullseye, you insufferable mortals" Loki declares. "It would seem 'all powerful' trickster you are correct, but since I really hate you, you don't get candy." the archer replies coldly. "You are all of you beneath me." Loki preaches. "Why in Midgard's name would I want your candy, you dull creature? "Thor, pulled in by his brother's rude comment, intervenes "Brother! Apologize to good friend Hawkeye. "Now, brother." Thor warns. "Friend Hawkeye, I do so hope my brother's words did not offend you." The trickster says mockingly, "No, indeed I hope they did more than just merely cause you offense, I ho...mpnh thagh naer err!
Silenced by convenient muzzle
"Please find it in your heart to forgive my brother's words." Thor states apologetically. "Well I was going to give the winner candy canes, But now I guess I'll just have to content myself by imagining the burning pain shooting a mint spear through Loki's eye will cause; And Thor you should know by now that I simply cannot forgive your brother for anything, ever." Hawkeye said menacingly. Agent Hill, entering the rec. room they are currently residing in, informs Hawkeye "We will not fund your bizarre obsession for creating new and 'improved' arrows for your specialized quiver any more. S.H.I.E.L.D simply can't afford it after you and the Avengers decimated New York."
"That's alright. Stark has as much fun with the arrows as I do and he'll fund my exploration for new arrows. He even said something about helping me incorporate Jericho tech. into an arrow." Hawkeye states. "Good friend Stark you would never do such a thing...right?" Thor questions innocently. Stark looks up from his latest invention and replies sarcastically "Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you say buddy…"
Hawkeye rolls his eyes and leaves with Agent Hill
"That is good to Hear." Thor bellows jovially.
Loki magically removes the muzzle
"Wait," Loki says disbelieving "your actually dense enough to believe him?" he turns on Stark "He actually believes you?"
"Not that it's any of your business. reindeer games, but yes he does, and why shouldn't he?" Stark says, pulling his best 'I'm innocent' face.
Loki face palms
Thor, growing frantic demands "Have you seen Mjolnir?"
"Anyone? She must be so frightened without me." Stark whispers to the trickster beside him "He does realize his hammer is just an inanimate object, doesn't he?" Loki responds dryly "Unfortunately, no."
"I see." Stark mutters, "Just to check, is there anyone on Asgard who isn't crazy?" Loki thinks for a moment before responding "Barring me? No, not that I know of." Stark replies disbelievingly "You do realize out of them all you are King of the Loony Toons, right?" Loki stares at Stark flattered "You truly see me as your King?" and before Stark can even realize what he's done Loki's gone. "Sh*t" Stark curses.
Loki transports to the bridge of the Helicarrier
Thor observes as his brother quite literally vanishes "Oh no, This is bad…" he declares
o0o0o0o0o
(insert theme music here… Doodly doodly do do doodly do!)
O0o0o0o0o
"STARK! WHAT the HELL did you DO? Loki just transported over to the bridge and is going on about how he has permission from Iron Man to take Control of the world!" Hawkeye shouts, all the while dodging the enemy's fire. Agent Hill is barking orders over the COM-link "Hawkeye! We need you in lab 7b NOW! Fury is currently engaged with a Skrull! Where the HELL did he get Skrull anyway? Didn't we send their sorry asses through a time space portal?" She asked, demanding answers from anyone listening. Captain America charges in, a look of consternation appearing to be permanently fixed on his face "I am going to kill Stark after this is over!"
Ducks under flying debris promptly kicking Skrull butt
"Everyone CLEAR OUT of lab 8A! Banner is losing control." He yells, "Natasha, WHERE the HECK are you? We need you down on deck 5 to protect the remaining tesseract weapons. Hawkeye! Hurry up and get down to lab 7b to assist Fury."
"I'm working on it," Hawkeye barks "I have to break through the battalion of storm troopers blocking my way...wait, how the HELL did he get storm troopers, as well as the Skrull...when the HELL did he have time to make all these allies? Stark, I swear I am going to strangle the life out of you with my very own two hands!"
EXPLOSION
Loki enters, antlers and all. "EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" He cackles before declaring, "Surrender, and join ME! Follow the example of your friend, Tony Stark!"
Thor and Tony, now decked out in his Iron Man armor, arrive
"Brother! Stop this madness!" Thor pleads trying to make his brother see reason. I mean, hasn't it always worked so well in the past? True to form, Loki responds dismissively "I am not your, brother! Besides Stark supports MY claim to POWER!"
"NO! I DON'T!" the billionaire screeches indignantly "It was a FLIPPING METAPHOR! You know a LITERARY DEVICE!
The Hulk comes crashing around the corner GRAaaaaawHHH!
Loki grows pale, if that's even possible given his twilight inspired complexion (Boundenid: eeewww! TheLonelyGod: At least he does not sparkle.) "I do believe we should continue this conversation elsewhere. Thor voices his agreement "Without Mjolnir what I can do is limited, so I must concur with my Brother." Stark, surly as ever, asks "Who put Rock of Ages here in charge?" Loki, not one to be outdone, responds sweetly. "I do believe that was you."
Hulk: GRRAAAAAAWWWRRRHHHH!
"Yep, relocate, definitely, sounds like a plan." Starks says, figuring it was best to not fight when one was about to be SMASHED! Natasha finally joins the party, and promptly begins firing off questions in rapid succession "This is Agent Romanov. What the HELL is going on here? What's this about Tony siding with Loki, and where in GODS name is Thor!" Thor as always is the first to speak "I am here with Stark and my brother." Natasha, unsatisfied with the god's answer, turns to Tony "What is going on here Stark?"
"Allow me to explain" Interjects Loki "Tony said he believes I am the rightful ruler of th…" Stark hurriedly cuts him off "Explain later, right now RUN! That is unless you really want to get SMASHED!." Natasha, annoyed, starts to ask "What are yo-" before she abruptly receives her answer, in the form of one enormous green rage monster.
Hulk SMASH!
"Right...running...Stark, if we ever get out of this. I am killing you." She growls. Stark smiles at her "Yeah? Well, get in line sweetheart...Steve and Clint asked first. Turing his COM link on Tony asks Hawkeye "Where did he get Storm Troopers anyway. Last time I checked they don't exist?" Hawkeye yells, frustrated "I don't know how he got a hold of storm troopers Stark!"
Coulson (who is not dead in our amazing realm) appears, rolling away from a storm trooper blast
"That might be my fault, I may or may not have provided him with a set of Star Wars movies last time he was in custody, and he may or may not have thoroughly enjoyed them while awaiting transport back to Asgard." Coulson states professionally. The comms crackle to life and the frantic voice of one Maria Hill can be heard cursing "SH*T is that Darth Vader?" Hawkeye's voice joins her "Crap, it is! Coulson, I'm coming after you when I'm finished with Stark!"
"Duly noted" he responds all business. Captain America joins the fast growing group on the Com link "Where the Heck does a star war take place, what the HECK is a Darth Vader...and why has the blue glow stick of destiny made a comeback in red!" Before the comms die down, a raspy voice fills their ears. "Odin… is not Loki's father!" Darth Vader decrees. "You know." Stark says thoughtfully, "If we weren't running for our lives I might actually find that funny" Natasha, un-amused, demands "Just find a way to end this, Stark!"
"Uh, right…" and how the hell do we do that he thought, "J.A.R.V.I.S. any ideas?" J.A.R.V.I.S., polite and calm as ever, responds "We could always attempt the new containment method you developed, sir."
"Brilliant idea buddy...small problem though…" Stark frowns clearly not pleased by his 'problem'. Natasha pries "Care to share with the rest of the class?" Thor, now engaged in battle with Darth Vader, shouts his agreement, saying "Good friend Stark, we must stop my brother at all costs." Stark grumbles, "Fine, just a small hiccup, I haven't come up with a suitable name"
"Now, Stark" Tasha shouts. "...grrr...fine." he says "J.A.R.V.I.S. activate...Activate Protocol Group Hug!"
All fighting ceases and everyone one's eyes come to rest on the playboy as they stare in disbelief.
Loki blinks in surprise
Loki smirks "You plan to stop me with a group hug! Ludicrous." Thor discreetly asks Natasha "Is Stark employing the Midgardian literary device known as sarcasm again?"
"No," Natasha says dubiously. "I think he's actually serious." Hawkeye ,willing to adapt to any situation, takes charge announcing "Well, might as well get this over with...EVERYONE! pile on LOKI!"
"Does this initiative include non-Avengers?" Coulson questions. Agent Hill agreed, "Yeah, I am seriously opposed to this plan."
"I said everyone, didn't I? I meant everyone." Hawkeye clarified, glaring menacingly at the agents. Captain America, still dumbfounded stated "I cannot believe they are actually going to attempt this. "Hawkeye, leading the way commanded "Alright Everyone...Three. Two. One. PILE!"
Loki groaned when the air rushed out of his lungs as everyone, including Banner and... Was that Fury? piled on top of him. The Skrull, Storm Troopers, and Darth Vader vanished disappearing back into their proper realms and/or realities. Captain America, who had somehow managed to avoid getting sucked into the group hug, walked away to go assist in the clean up of...well the entire Helicarrier. *Sigh* the bills for this thing must be enormous." he thought as he began cleaning. (TheLonelyGod: Why doesn't he just have Loki clean it? Bondenid: That's a good point… ah well, want to go get some Shawarmas? TheLonelyGod: You know that's right!)
o0o0o0o0o
(back in the debriefing room… Doodly doodly do do doodly do!)
O0o0o0o0o
Fury addressed the team "I can't believe that actually worked. Well done team." Loki, now fuming, shouts "Release me mortals! I will not be hugged by the likes of you!"
fin
A/n: Boundenid: So Thor, Loki, Natasha, and Fury's one liners were written by TheLonelyGod, and I wrote Hawkeye, Captain America, Agent Hill, and Coulson. The basis for Tony Stark was TheLonelyGod but I tweaked it a little to better suit the purpose of this fic. TheLonelyGod: and then I, TheLonelyGod, re-tweaked everything. This was pure Crack in case you couldn't tell.
Loki: Never have I read such a blasphemous thing in my life!
Other Avengers agree and begin closing in on Boundenid and TheLonelyGod
TheLonelyGod: perhaps we should run…
Boundenid: Yes. Yes we should.
I know it's scary but,
Review!
:3