Hey guys hope you like my new humor fic, I thought of this when I was trying to trap my evil brother in a box. Partial crack, I took the crazy down a notch when I edited (I took out the dancing care bears) but I still question my sanity.
I'm still too awesome to own YJ, batman beyond and Wal-Mart, deal with it.
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Artemis had- had it; she was not going to put up with Wally's constant pranks for a second more. Sure taking her arrows or bow made her mad, but dying her hair or even trying to dye her hair crossed the line. The irate archer was currently on a rooftop somewhere in Gotham watching out for petty criminals to beat up while plotting revenge on a certain redhead.
It took her awhile to come up with the perfect plan, but her devious scheme was worth it. That poor speedster wouldn't know what hit him. Artemis cackled evilly as she walked back into the mountain to find Zatanna. For her plan to work she was going to need help. She was going to ask boy wonder but she still hadn't forgiven him for the flour incident.
Zatanna was rolling on the floor with laughter when her best friend revealed her evil plot.
"Haha if you actually intend to pull that off I'm in. This is going to be legendary." Agreed the magician eagerly.
They were both hiding in the archer's room looking over the 'blueprints of revenge'. After the magician added on to the now perfect-er plan the two headed off to Wal-Mart to go buy an oversized box, ribbon, ductape, three pounds of glitter, biodegradable packing peanuts, heavy duty shrink wrap, enough ingredients to make 60 cookies and nail polish (for themselves). Artemis took the 'groceries' back to her apartment so a certain acrobat wouldn't discover her and her conspirator's intentions.
Zatanna was on the search for hidden cameras while Artemis made 60 'special' cookies for Wally. Her mother looked at her suspiciously when she wasn't allowed to taste cookies. Artemis claimed they were for someone special and got a mischievous glint in her eye. Paula already figured teenagers were crazy when she saw her daughter mixing elephant tranquilizers into the batter so she just let it be.
When the moment of truth came both girls were bursting with excitement when they entered the mountain. It was the perfect day to ambush the speedster seeing as he was the only other person there besides Red Tornado. They placed the huge plate of cookies, left a note saying they were for Wally and hid behind the couch and anxiously waited.
0o0o0o0o0o
Wally was strolling around the cave completely bored out of his mind waiting for Robin to get back so they could go cause trouble. He decided that eating everything in the fridge would be a better idea than being bored so he zoomed off the kitchen. To his luck there was a huge plate of cookies that were addressed to him. Suspecting nothing the speedster began scarfing down the pile of desserts, not hearing the hushed snickering coming from the other room. Once he finished off the five dozen cookies Wally started to feel funny. He was out like a light within a minute and crashed into the table into deep slumber.
Artemis was cackling evilly (boy wonder would be so proud) and Zatanna was in fits of laughter. The archer took a picture of her slumbering teammate and got to work by starting to tie green ribbon around him.
Five minutes later Wally was thourly bound by ribbon, shrink-wrapped, photographed (for the black mail folder) ductape over his mouth and to top it off with a 'pleasant' note to the receiver of the girl's 'present'. They lifted him into the box full of packing peanuts and added the finishing touch by dumping a bucket of purple and gold glitter on their 'victim', poking holes in the box and sealing it up.
"This is going to be so good." Artemis mused deviously as she stepped back to take a good look at her masterpiece.
Zatanna levitated the box and the two trotted off to the zeta tubes. Their destination: Central City.
The magician placed the package on the porch and Artemis snuck into the Allen's residence and planted the hidden cameras so she and her comrade could watch their plan unfold at a safe distance. Zatanna jumped as Artemis reappeared form nowhere.
"Do I want to know?" She gave her friend a suspicious look.
"Nope." Artemis said cheerfully and the two sauntered back to the Gotham zeta tube. The duo were going to hide out at 'home base' (Artemis's apartment) and wait.
0o0o0o0o0o0o
Iris West-Allen had a very long and tiring day at work. When she saw the oversized package on the porch she groaned and dragged it inside her house. The reporter didn't even bother opening the package addressed to her husband; instead she threw her stuff down, grabbed one of her husband's beloved pudding cups and collapsed on the couch.
Cities away the two girl's eyes were glued to the computer screen as they anxiously waited for someone to discover their 'mummy'.
"Damn." Artemis murmured, slightly disappointed
"How much longer until he wakes up?"
"About three hours."
"nmad." Murmured the magician.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
2 ½ hours later…
Barry Allen just got home from work at the crime lab. He was coming home for dinner and then would go out and patrol the city later. Iris smiled as she heard her husband walk in through the back door. "How was your day?" she asked with a kiss.
"It was fine, and yours?"
"Long and tiring."
The phone rang
Barry went into the kitchen and answered the phone.
"Hey have you seen Wally?" he shouted from the other room.
"Nope, is Mary looking for him?" she asked
After telling his sister in law he didn't know where her son was Barry hung up the phone and raided the fridge slightly worried.
He grabbed an extra large frozen pizza and tossed it onto the counter to defrost.
"There was a package at the door for you." Iris reminded
Barry was too consumed with trying to contact his protégé to open it.
"I'll open it later." He procrastinated
Once the pizza was ready Barry gave up and sulked as he ate his pizza.
"Barry, don't worry. He's probably causing trouble with Robin. It's a Friday night they're probably playing video games somewhere." Iris pointed out. Barry agreed and perked up for the rest of dinner.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Wally woke up and found himself in a dark and tiny space. He had no recollection of how he got there. He tried to move but his arms and legs but the were tightly bound. The last thing he remembered was eating cookies.
"The cookies!" he tried to shout but found his mouth wouldn't open. Instead he kicked wildly while yelling trying to escape the prison he was trapped in.
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The Allen family was enjoying a nice dinner of frozen pizza when they heard a strange muffled noise.
"Mmmphfmnm!"
Both husband and wife ran into the entryway, the mysterious package was rocking back and fourth.
"What the hell…"Barry said in bewilderment. Iris ran into the kitchen and grabbed a broom to use as a weapon.
"mmmphmnmmmnmffm!"
Iris poked the package with the end of her broom. Which caused the box to rock back and fourth even more.
"Iris! Don't poke it. It could be dangerous!" Barry wailed and got in front of his wife.
"Barry what do you think it is, it's your box." The reporter asked.
"Mmmphffmmm!"
"I don't know. Stand back, I'm gonna open it." He warned. Iris stood back and held the broom up like a baseball bat.
"mmmphnmmffmmm!"
Barry tentatively stepped forward and ripped the tape off the top of the package.
In an avalanche of packing peanuts (biodegradable) and glitter, Wally came tumbling on the ground squirming around irately.
"MMPHMMMMFFMMMM!"
The couple stared at their now sparkly nephew in shock. Barry eyed the boy suspicoiusouly and grabbed the note and opened it, he still had absolutely no clue what was going on. The senior speedster sped-read through the note twice before he could believe what it said.
Dear Flash,
You are the proud new owner of Kid Mouth. He is non-returnable; do not attempt to send him back.
Just kidding. Kid Idiot's sorry excuses for practical jokes has come to the attention of me and my undisclosed accomplice. We decided that he needed an intervention by giving him a taste of his own medicineX10.
Tell Wally that if he tries to dye my hair one more time he will end up in Timbuktu with nothing but a buzz cut and boxers.
Sincerely, the Queen of the Harpies
(Ps. Zatanna wants to know how Wally likes the glitter)
Barry re-read the note again just to make sure he wasn't seeing things and then barreled out in laughter. He was barley able to hand the note to his wife he was laughing so hard.
Wally was not pleased.
"MMNMMPHMMFFMMM!"
Iris soon joined her husband in laughter. Barry ran out of the room and quickly returned with a camera.
Wally not being pleased was a huge understatement.
"Oh she's good." The elder speedster complemented the unknown individual much to the speedster's dismay. "This is way better than the time Roy and Dick superglued Wally to a wall" The Flash thought.
"MMFFMMPHMMNMM!"
Iris poked her nephew with the broom again just for fun. Wally was still squirming irately, if looks could kill… The Flash left the room briefly to hide the camera (he too has a blackmail folder) and to go grab scissors to free Wally. Iris was still too besides herself with laughter to help her husband with Wally; the poor kid was never going to live this down.
Wally looked angrier than Batman after the joker breaks out and kidnaps Robin, glitter and packing peanuts stuck to him like glue as his uncle was cutting him from his shrink-wrap prison.
Once the redhead was finally freed by Barry and Iris, he unsuccessfully tried to stand up slipping on the packing peanuts. Again Wally stood up and ripped the tape off his mouth, glitter was pouring off him with every little movement. He looked angrier than Lex Luthor after being thrown in jail.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR! I'm tied up in a box and you sit there and laugh for five minutes!" He yelled and waved his arms wildly to make his point.
"Sorry kid, it was just too funny." Barry chuckled. Iris was in the middle of calling Wally's parents telling them how they found Wally. (Both Mary and Rudy found it hilarious.)
Wally still steaming snatched the note from his aunt's hands and read it himself. He was literally vibrating in anger once he figured out who did this to him. He expected that Dick or Roy would do something like this to him, but then again even they wouldn't go this far. Sure you could mess with him, but messing with his cookies was another thing entirely. No one messes with his cookies, ever.
"Wally stop, your gonna wear a hole in our new floor!" Iris exclaimed. The junior speedster calmed himself down to the point where he wasn't vibrating, for his own sake.
"So how'd she get you in the box?" Barry wondered out loud still not knowing who the Queen of the Harpies was. Wally was redder than a tomato with the mention of her.
"I can't believe it! Artemis drugged my cookies!" he huffed. The smile temporarily fell off the elder speedster's face. Messing with a speedster's food was like messing with Batman's car; it was personal.
"So it was Ollie's kid. Damn she's creative." Barry thought chuckling.
"I swear I'm never gonna eat another Goddamn cookie again! Wally proclaimed.
Both husband and wife smirked at the teen's proclamation. The likely hood of Wally actually keeping his word were the same as Batman willingly giving out free hugs to random people in Arkham.
"What?" Iris asked her nephew in a highly amused tone.
"Oh never mind. I'm going to go kill that harpy!" He declared and with that he was out the door heading off to who knows where growling death threats under his breath leaving a trail of purple, gold and green glitter.
"Should we tell him that there are packing peanuts sticking to his back?" Iris asked just out of curiosity.
"Nah. He's a smart kid, he'll figure it out." Barry replied and started cleaning up the sparkling mess.
Eight minutes later….
Barry just finished cleaning up the mess and calling Hal Jordan (he thought it was funny too). He was about to call Ollie when his phone started buzzing.
"Speak of the devil." He thought before answering.
"Hey Ollie, what's up?"
"Ok first of all why is your sidekick running all over my city and second, why is he covered in glitter and packing peanuts?" The archer questioned over the phone
"Um… I think he's looking for Artemis. She should be crowned the queen of practical jokes after what she did to Wally. Poor kid…"
"What did she do?"
"It's a long story…"
"Well I'm listening."
Barry could hardly keep himself from laughing while telling his story and by the time he was done the archer was howling with laughter.
"And you got pictures too?"
"Yup." Barry replied while looking up at the strange black dot on the ceiling that resembled a camera. "Wait a sec Ollie, I think she planted a camera. Hold on." He put his friend on hold while he collected the three hidden cameras in the room and destroyed them.
"OK sorry about that I think she planted three cameras, which is kinda creepy, but you gotta admit she's got style."
"I'll see if I can get the video from her. You going to post your photo's on the blackmail wall in the watch tower?"
"Probably…"
"Well I gotta go Roy's banging on my door. "
Oliver Queen was full of pride, he had taught his protégé well in the art of pranking. Today was the day the student has surpassed the master.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Back in Gotham….
Artemis and Zatanna were on the floor clutching their sides crying with laughter. Paula Crock wheeled to the door to investigate to find the two teens on the floor laughing; she just dismissed this as the reason why all teenagers are crazy and continued whatever she was doing.
The girl's endless laughter was interrupted by the ringing of Zatanna's phone. Artemis contained her giggles so Zee could speak on the phone.
"Hello? Robin?" the magician's expression changed as Boy wonder started talking.
"YOU DID WHAT! I can't believe you did that you idiot! You're the damn detective figure it out!" and with that Zatanna hung up.
"So what was that all about?"
"I can't believe it! Boy blunder told fast and sparkly that we're hiding out in Gotham, so apparently both Wally and for some reason Roy have placed bounties on our heads. He also wanted to know what we did to make Wally so mad. He apparently didn't like the glitter." She huffed.
"Well shit, now what we're gonna do?" the archer inquired as she uploaded the footage to a flash drive.
"Leave the country?" Zee suggested sarcastically but Artemis stood up and regained her devilishly triumphant grin.
"You know what, that's a great idea. I'm up for Asian food from Asia anyways, how bout you?"
"Sure I guess but are we aloud to leave the country?"
"Well you do have a passport don't you. As long as we don't create an international conflict and get to training on time tomorrow. I think we're good." The archer contemplated.
"Well sure then. So were going on a mini vacation?" Zee asked.
"If that's what you want to call it then sure. Lets gear up and skedaddle before they find us. Wanna go to Japan, I've haven't been there in awhile."
"Sure, remind me to strangle Robin later."
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The girls hid the computer, put their uniforms on and went to make their speedy exit.
"Where are you going?" Paula asked the two girls trying to sneak out the door in an authouritive tone. Artemis and Zatanna froze.
"Um… We're going to get Japanese food in Japan." The archer nervously deadpanned there was no use lying to her mother, that woman was like a lie detector on wheels.
Unlike most mothers, Paula was still too overjoyed with the fact that her daughter was making friends, so again she let it be and let them go.
"Ok, be safe."
"Oh and mom, if two gingers stop by, I don't live here and you don't know me. Love ya mom, Bye!" Artemis shouted as she ran to the door.
The two ran out the door at speeds that Flash would be proud and go the zeta tube in no time.
"You ready for sushi?" Artemis asked her friend as they arrived in Tokyo.
"Sure, and wanna kick butt afterward?" Zatanna asked.
"Yup. Best girls night out ever." Artemis declared as the two heroes set out for sushi.
Back in Gotham.
"Dude are you sure this is her apartment?" Roy asked impatiently
"Well her file said this was her address, so yes I am sure." Wally replied as he brushed more glitter out of his hair. The two were dressed in civvies as they walked up the alleged apartment.
"Tell me why I'm doing this again?"
"Because you're my best friend and you want to help me get revenge on that harpy." Wally replied as he rang the doorbell.
About thirty seconds later an Asian woman in a wheelchair came to the door.
"Does Artemis Crock live here?" Roy asked politely
"Tôi không có đầu mối những người bạn đang nói về tôi sống một mình.Artemis là người bạn nói về?Tôi không nói tiếng Anh.Tại sao bạn được bảo hiểm trong long lanh?" The woman replied with a hidden smile. Paula just got off the phone with Oliver, she finially knew what the girls were up to. Just because the girls pulled the prank didn't mean she culdn't have a little fun.
"Um dude don't you speak vietnameese." Wally whispered
"No I failed the class remember.." Roy reminded his comrade.
Suddenly the woman had a broom in her hands and was lightly beating the duo with it while ranting unintellegible things in vietnammese to shoo them away. Both redheads ran for their lives. Paula triumphantly smirked and closed the door so she could go watch the spanish soap operas she loved.
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Meanwhile in Tokyo
"I can't believe you got us thrown out of the karioki bar!" Zatanna exclaimed as she strolled the streets of Tokyo with her blonde friend.
"Sorry it's not my fault my japeneese was a little rusty, But hey I still get to cross Japeneese bar fight off my bucket list." The archer grinned and pulled a mangled sheet of paper out of her pocket and crossed something off.
"You carry your bucket list around with you?"
"Yup." The archer shrugged.
Zatanna looked at her watch.
"We still have two hours left til we have to go back to Happy Harbor. What do you want to do?"
"Let's go kick some ass." Artemis said cracking her knuckes.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Two hours later Happy Harbor
Everyone in the league had heard about the epic prank so naturally at the next team mandatory training session everyone showed up early to see if the rumors were true. All league members (even supey) showed up to see what was going to happen. The only ones who hadnt shown up was Wally and Roy.
Everyone was on their toes as the Zeta tubes announced the arrival of Artemis and Zatanna. The duo practicaly pranced in with triumphant grins plastered across their face, immedeatly they were swarmed by the heroes. After confirming that they were the ones who pulled off the legendary pratical joke. Even Batman was impressed.
After that Artemis whispered something to her partner in crime and stood up on a random chair. The magician grinned and trotted off to who knows where.
"OK PEOPLE. THE BIDDING FOR CLASS A BLACKMAIL MATERIAL BEGINS AT $40. ANY TAKERS?" the archer shouted to the crowd. Instantly most of the heroes were holding money in the air. The bidding had begun...
Wally (still sparkly mind you) and Roy arrived slightly late to training because Wally insisted to make Wanted posters that said:
Wanted:
Dead or alive
Enemy #1: Artemis Crock
Wanted
Dead or alive
Enemy #2: Zatanna Zatara
Reward: $50
Both teens were surprised to see what looked to be an auction war between Robin, Flash, Hal Jordan, and Green Arrow for a flash drive Artemis was holding.
"GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, SOLD TO THE BOY IN THE CAPE FOR $580!" the archer proclaimed and stepped down from the chair and handed the mini caped crusader the zipdrive after he forked over the cash.
"Damn I was so close!" The Flash cursed.
Seriously dude, Why did you spend six hundred bucks on the harpy's flash drive."
"Say for yourself, I got class A blackmail material right here." Robin replied with a smug smile.
"Robin, Uncle B, GA! You guys are traitiors!" the younger speedster yelled in dismay.
"Hey KF, I love the new look. Glitter totaly suits you." Artemis taunted
A vein threatned to bust out of Wally's head.
"You know what, I've had it blondie. Your going down!" Then he flung his sparkly self at the blonde archer.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Thirty minutes later...
The lovebirds were still fighting. Both Zatanna and the newly forgiven Robin were secretly taking pictures of the scene.
"These are so going on the wedding invitaion." Stated Zatanna
"Totally. Man this is better than cable." Boy wonder agreed and took nore photos.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sometime in the 2050's
(the time of batman beyond)
Artemis was in a small room in the watch tower. There were a few younger league members sitting at small desks watching the video of the 'Ultimate Prank'.
After the video finished an elderly Artemis finished the rest of the story of one of her greatist adventures. Her she was suppost to teach the young leagurs not to pull practical jokes, but she was two mischevoius for that so instead she was teaching the young heroes how to properly pull off a prank. The awe struck heroes were slack jawed as she finished her tale.
"Wow." Batman commented.
"So remember any properly exicuted prank requires creativity, glitter or rank perfume, video footage and a well thought out plan. Any questions?"
Terry McGinnis raised his hand.
"Yes Terry." The former archer grinned she knew Bruce would have her head later but it was worth it.
"Has Wally ever forgiven you for the box incedent?"
"Nope, my husband still holds a huge grudge and claims he still has glitter in his hair."
The rest of the crowd: Aqua girl, Matt McGinnis, Micron, and her grandkids.
Wallly poked his head in the doorway and the room burst out in laughter.
"You told them, didn't you?" he deadpanned, unhappily. "Well Clark's looking for you and he's pretty mad."
Artemis rolled her eyes and turned back to her 'students'.
"Well I guess this conclueds Prank Education." The retired archer gave a bow an pranced out of the room to go irratate Clark and tease her husband.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Translation: I have no clue who you are talking about I live alone. Who is this Artemis you speak of? I don't speak english. Why are you covered in glitter?
I know it was out there but i hoped you liked it. Please review or I'll send Artemis after you. Review or reading this story may be the last thing you do (hey that rymed!) Just kidding, but seriously click the blue button below and type in your thoughts, hopes, dreams, opinions, political views,wishes, fears,etc.. (Remenber I'm not your therapist though) REVIEW! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU, DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN...
Tootles!