Short filler...I swear Santana will get Kurt real soon :)

It's been two weeks since the kissing and I can't believe I'm even thinking this or fantasizing about this but Berrys lips, but God I needs a taste. She's been acting all happy and trouble free. It's starting to scare me actually no more dark moments, panicking she's faking and soon that wall she's reconstructed going to come crashing down or if she manages to hold it all in she'll implode from the inside. I keep making a mental note to talk to her about it but I keep getting distracted by those fucking lips. She plays dirty, appears student has become the master. Anytime I try to talk about anything serious or about her she'll casually run her thumb over my bottom lip and suddenly I don't know what I was going to say. Thirty minutes later bruised lips and panting she'll either claim pure exhaustion or some excuse about getting home. Her dads came back last week but they're leaving again tomorrow so she's coming to stay tonight.

There's a party at Puckermans she's been begging me to get her invited to there's only one week left until graduation and its' supposed to be his last school blow out. I mean she begged and begged and wouldn't shut the hell up. I'm no shrink but this all seems a bit to backwards to me. I kept saying no cause it was all a bit odd but then she had a thousand follow up questions like my saying no wasn't enough without an explanation. Since when? When Santana says no thats it. This little diva is giving me a run for my money. But why Santana I want five reasons in bullet points please we don't have all night. The nerve! I can't think with her babbling and hysteria I mean damn. So, because I was seconds away from slapping a bitch I ducked into my bathroom and stuffed in my earplugs I'd bought a few days ago after one of her ridiculously long rants about Streisand. I know it was helping her and bringing back the old Berry I thought I missed so, ear plugs help me to nod along and not lose my shit. I stuffed them in and I'd forgotten to take them out..suddenly I'm shoved a good 2 feet.

"What the actual fuck?" i hiss turning around to seriously hurt whoever just did that.

"Are you deaf or something?" Quinn's face looks like she's screaming at me but she sounds much softer. Oh the ear plugs! I quickly remove them and stuff them into my clutch. Quinns laughter is coming in loud and clear now. She's laughing hysterically actually. I can't help but chuckle she looks certifiable.

"Get a grip Fabray." I put my hand on her arm steadying her.

"Did you get those cause of Berry?" she's still laughing.

"Look, you don't know what it's like to have to listen to her twenty four seven!" She's still laughing.

"Oh my God seriously this is all too much!"

"You've lost it Q how much have you had to drink?"

"Oh shut up this is precious I mean Satan buying earplugs to keep from killing Berry? Since when do you have her best interest at heart? I thought you'd throw her ass out weeks ago!"

"Shut up!" I hiss hitting her on the arm. It's no use she's completely lost her mind and is still laughing. I walk away before I'm tempted to slap that smirk off her face. Speaking of Berry I haven't' seen her in a while. I don't know why my head turned the direction of the docks at that moment but thank God it did as my eye caught a small figure at the end of the dock slip into the black water and disappear my heart was in my throat as I shoved the people off a blanket and took off running for the docks.

Rachels POV

The moon glistening off the water caught my eye and before I knew what I was doing I was walking down the dock to the end staring at the black water that now surrounded me. It was so peaceful and inviting. It's like it was calling to me. A strong gust of wind came out of nowhere and almost knocked me right in. I steadied myself staring into the dark inviting water. Why not? No one is around I'm just gonna slip in real quick. It's chilly but not hypothermia weather. Take a risk for once Rachel. It was like I stepped out of my body as I slowly knelt down and slipped into the dark water. It was freezing but I wasn't cold, I haven't been able to feel anything after I cried it all out to Santana that night. Sure I've cried some more but I can't feel anything. I can't feel the pain, or the frigged water I'm slipping under right now. At first I'm floating but you know how you start thinking too much and focusing on staying a float that you start to sink? I'm sinking now, my head submerged i just let go and let the water take me away to somewhere else. Somewhere better.

I feel something wrap around my waist and immediately have flashbacks of the movie Jaws but I'm brought to the surface gasping for the air I didn't realize I had needed so badly before I could completely freak out. I'm being dragged up the beach onto the sand and out of the water. "Seriously what the fuck Berry!" Santana hisses.

"Jesus! Where did you come from? I thought you were Jaws!" I yell.

She's shaking her head ignoring my question. "My God you're so cold, come here," her voice is much softer. I look down to see my body shaking violently my skin looks almost blue but that could be because of the moonlight. She wraps the blanket around me hugging me tight. Her hands are rubbing furiously trying to warm me up.

"What were you thinking baby?" she whispers placing a kiss to the top of my head.

"I-I don't know. I wasn't trying to-to" Suddenly i can feel everything. I'm freezing cold and a heavy weight of sadness is crushing my chest as I start crying. I am so sick of crying.

"Rachel honey you were under water are you sure you weren't trying to, well you know. You scared me to death. Yeah okay we'll talk later, I got you baby girl" her arms tighten around me.

"Hey what happened? You guys okay?" I hear Pucks voice yelling coming towards us. She turns slightly taking me with her.

"Please i dont ..." teeth chattering I tucking my head under her chin.

"Okay okay, please calm down. Were okay Puck please just go up to the house" He stops probably recognizing the tone in her voice. Those two have a weird unspoken language.

"You sure?"

"Yeah were good here Puck" He holds his hands up in-surrender and starts back up to his place.

"Come on honey lets sit down." I nod into her chest. She lets go and I miss her warmth immediately. I don't even realize I'm pouting. "Oh God don't pout at me like that just give me one sec." She sits down in the sand with her knees bent and holds her hand out to me, "Come here" she says pulling me down to sit between her legs. I lean back into her chest as she wraps her arms around me. I sigh in contentment and she laughs a little. "You wanna tell me what you were doing in the water, baby girl"

"No," I say content to just sit all wrapped up in her arms and stare out at the water. "Rachel, you seriously scared ten years off of my life, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna wake up with a few wrinkles I can name after you, I need you to tell me what happened out there." I shrug. "I don't really know San. It just looked so peaceful and inviting. It was like it wasn't me who slipped into the water. I just wanted some peace and quiet." She takes a deep breath and i can feel the tears hit my bare sholders. "Rachel peace and quiet under water means you're dead, you can put whatever nice spin on that you want but that's what you're saying. You wanted to die, do you realize that?"

I didn't want to talk I wanted quiet and to just watch the peaceful water, she must have gotten the hint because she stopped talking after I didn't answer her for a second time and just held me for a bit. She didn't let us sit for too long as I was freezing and the wind was picking up off the water so she gathered us up and snuck us out of the party and back to her house.

Santana's POV

I return to my room after throwing our wet clothes into the washer before my mother finds them. I don't really feel like explaining that one. Rachel's sitting on the bed with a blank stare. This is getting fucking ridiculous, I've tried this the nice way we've cried, talked blah blah. I drop down next to her.

"What's going on in that head of yours"

"Nothing." she says with a short annoyed tone.

"Are you mad?" I ask her.

"Nope" she responds still staring at the same spot on the floor.

"Sad?" I nudge her with my shoulder.

"Nope"

"Happy?" Silence "Are you retarded?" Not even an eyeroll on that one. "Wow, okay I'm trying to like help here or whatever." I wait a few beats surprised she hasn't responded in usual Berry fashion, run on sentences and all. "Berry, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but seriously speak."

"I am not a dog, Santana."

"I didn't say..." Deeeeep breath. "It's just your never quiet, two hours ago I pulled you from the bottom of the lake, you're kinda freaking me out here"

"Fine, Nothing."

"What?"

"I'm answering your question. Nothing. I feel nothing, Santana. Not a fucking thing." My jaw drops at how casually fuck leaves her mouth. She really has been spending too much time with me. "Nothing at all. My life is over, my Broadway career? Over before it even began. I mean, you can't have an actress who has no emotions can you? That's like a bird without any wings, or you without any insults. And here's the biggest question if I ever date anyone ever again what am I supposed to say? Oh yes dear I'm a virgin, or wait, no perhaps I am not, I'm not sure exactly.." She's rambling now in a strange monotone voice that's actually more annoying than her normal one, and seriously? I'm like so sorry I asked her to speak.

I hold my hand up. "Alright shut up ...shut up!" I slip off the bed and kneel in front of her trying to make eye contact. "Your life is not over, and neither is your career that hasn't started cause like that's not even possible. You've been through a lot, your numb. You got too much shit in there" I say poking her in the boob...relax her hearts under that thing. "Too much shit to process"

"Ouch! Don't poke me."

"Why does it make you mad?" I smirk.

"No" she sighs loudly in frustration.

I can't help the laugh that escapes. Something shifts in her eyes as she grabs the front of my shirt in her fist and roughly pulls me up so I'm kneeling pulling me into a bruising kiss. Sweet Jesus. She's strong for such a tiny person I realize as she uses her leverage of sitting on the edge of my bed to push us over. My back lands on the floor and shes on top of me. Her tongue is exploring my mouth aggressively and if I can't get my head to come down from the clouds soon I'm not going to be able to stop this. My hands automatically go to move to cover her breast but I stop and rest them on her arms...she thinks she's ready for this but there is no way, not after what she's been through. I push her chest trying to dislodge her lips from mine. She whines. "I need you" she husks with swollen lips and I swear I just got wet from that statement alone. "Let me up" I say. "Why" she pouts, it seemed like you were enjoying it. "Oh I was honey that's the issue." She instead pins my wrists to the floor. "Then no" she says.

Fuck, I think knowing I'm gonna have to go scare her to get her to realize she's not even close to ready for this. Heart hammering in my chest I use my cheer leading muscles and quickly flip us over pinning her to the floor. I can see the fear shift into her eyes and her trying desperately to fight it. God damn her stubbornness I was hoping that would be enough. I rip open her shirt and my palms cover her breasts. That does it. Her eyes widen and she sucks in a panicked breath. She's disassociated she's no longer with me here in my room she's flashing back. I yank my hands back and go to close up her shirt. "No" she screams slapping at my hands. I'd like to pin her hands to stop their assault but that's not going to calm her down in the least so I cup her cheeks.

"Open your eyes little D, It's me. You're with Santana not with him, I wasn't there that night so you can't be back there with him. You're in my room. Come on look Rach open your eyes." Her eyes open and immediately fill up with tears. I sigh in relief, quickly climb off her and pull her up to her feet. Her arms immediately go around my waist but I pull back a little before she goes to bury her head in my neck. "I'd never ever hurt or take advantage of you Rachel you know that, right?" She nods "Why did I freak out I'm so mad at myself, San..I ...I really wanted to ...you know...with you...I just want to feel something I felt so alive just then before..."

I can help the chuckle but clear my throat as her eyes narrow. "Shh I know, don't be upset you've been through a trauma as much as your stubborn head refuses to want to admit that. And believe me I wanted that to honey but I respect you too much. We're going to have to go really slow, slower than you'd like to go clearly."

"Yeah but would you...with me its just I'm really attracted to you and I'm a teenager this should be normal and for some reason you aren't horrified by the idea of being with me and.." I smiled at her innocence.

"Shh...Believe it or not I do care about you Rachel, I admit it scares the hell out of me I don't want to do anything to scare you but I do, I want to do it right, show you how it's supposed to feel, safe, trusting, loving. It's going to take a lot of time. You need to go see a therapist too though." Her eyes narrowed immediately. I quickly kissed her lips hoping to soften her back up to this idea. "Rachel even though this is something you want I can't fix you, this won't fix the damage, it can help you heal and replace the horrible memories and shit but you need a professional to help you with the flashback shit and how to process this all, okay? Or else no deal."I saw the wheels start spinning in her head and I could not afford to have that talk tonight. "Lets not label this okay? It's you and me."

"Okay" she smiles.

"Okay what?"

"Okay I'll see your stupid therapist and okay to it being just you and me now can you shut up and hold me please?" I smile.

"Yeah, come on midget lets get into bed."