*Lightning is strutting her stuff in steel armor and a long feather dress, chilling in Valhalla while riding the Shiva motorcycle that she jacked from Snow*
Purple Man: Oh my gosh, it's Lightning!
Lightning: 'Sup? Need an autograph!
Purple Man: Yesssss! I looooved your game! You're so sexyyyy! *takes out autograph book*
Lightning: Sorry... I don't autograph for Kain cosplayers. Stupid Kain and his stupid Jump spam in Duodecim... *walks off*
Purple Man: No! I've been waiting to get your autograph since I saw you in the first FF13 trailer! You were so beautiful!
Lightning: You mean the one that was made before SE even started development on the game? That chick wasn't even me, she was just Cloud wearing a Psicom uniform.
Purple Man: Oh... that explains why your character design suddenly changed halfway through develpment...
Lightning: Anyways, see ya' later cosplayer-dude. I'm gonna' Provoke some guy at Etro's rave party and cast Ruin on him while he uses Water on me. See ya'
*Lightning rides off*
Purple Man: Grr... How dare she insult Caius, the ultimate cosplayer! No weaboo is as magnificent as I! I shall have my revenge, valkyrie girl, just you wait!
Noel: Hey, Caius, did you get Lightning's autograph? I just went over to Serah's house and spent the night. She has a very sturdy table.
Caius: Damn you and your stupid love for anorexid girls! The last one you dated died of starvation because you wouldn't let her eat her birthday cake! If you love Serah so much, why don't you just go on an adventure with her or something?
Noel: That's a great idea! :D
Caius: Argh!
*Caius pimpslaps Noel into a portal*
*Noel wakes up in a mysterious dark room*
Serah: Hey baby ;)
Noel: WTF how did I get here?
Serah: Well, this mirror just randomly appeared in my bedroom and you popped out unconscious. I didn't have anywhere to put you so I just laid you down on my bed and slept on top of you.
Noel: Did we do anything?
Serah: No, of course not! You know I'm only into women!
Noel: That's not what Lightning told me.
Serah: She's a conservative. I had to hide my love for women from her. Did you see how hard she slapped Fang in FF13 when she found out Fang and Vanille were lesbians?
Noel: But then... last night...
Serah: You're the closest thing to a woman I can get. If Lightning sees that I'm sleeping with another woman when she gets back from her rave party then she'll kick me out of the house.
Noel: Aren't you old enough to make a living?
Serah: Please! I'm an elementary school teacher. We don't get paid gil!
Noel: Oh, right... what about Snow?
Serah: I just dated him because he's old money. Lightning jacked his motorcycle and punched him so hard he was blasted out of the space-time-continuum.
Noel: Sounds legit.
*suddenly, a random crystal pops out of the mirror*
Noel: OH MY GOSH IT'S AN ARTEFACT!
Serah: Artifact
Noel: Artefact
Serah: Artifact
Noel: Artefact
Serah: Do you not have an education system in the future or something?
Noel: Everyone from my time is dead except for me, this purple Kain cosplayer dude, and a hot anorexic chick with a really bad limp.
Serah: What happens to everybody else?
Noel: You kill them with a moogle.
*Serah is quiet*
Noel: Anyways, this artefact lets us time-travel.
Serah: Sounds awesome! Let's try it out!
*Noel and Serah walk out of the house to test out the artifact. However, they are greeted with the image of a hundred extraterrestrial monsters invading New Bodhum and mercilessly slaughtering the local populace. Blood is sprayed across the sand*
Text Box: Battle Tutorial! Spam the X button to win!
Serah: Man, this is pretty hard.
Noel: Tell me about it
*After spamming the X button two hundred times, Serah defeats the monsters*
*After defeating the monsters, Serah and Noel see Lebreau*
Serah: Hello Lebreau!
Lebreau: Wait... did you just kill all those monsters?
Serah: Yeah?
Lebreau: Without a weapon?
Serah: Yeah?
Lebreau: Even though there were twenty other guys with guns having trouble taking down those extraterrestrial creatures?
Serah: Silly Lebreau! Everyone knows that in Final Fantasy games, guns are just toys that little kids fight with! Real warriors fight unarmed! Just ask Snow!
Lebreau: Of course! Guns are for children! Us adults should be fighting monsters with our fists, because that is much more practical!
*Noel is too busy checking out Lebreau's breasts to realize how stupid she is*
Serah: By the way, this is Noel. He's male.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: No, I'm serious.
Lebreau: Oh.
Serah: He's going to teach me how to travel using this crystal stone!
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: No, I'm still being serious.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: We could save the future of humanity if we go into the future and stop myself from killing humanity in the future where I kill humanity.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: Screw you.
*Serah drags Noel away*
Noel: Who's that chick with nice breasts?
Serah: A random NPC from FF13 that only appears in this game because horny weaboos think she's attractive.
Noel: _
Serah: Anyways, let's go use the artifact
Noel: Artefact.
Serah: Whatever.
Noel: First, we have to go to the meteor that crashed nearby. The artefact channels the power of bad Final Fantasy VII references to let us bend the rules of the universe.
Serah: Okay.
*Lightning suddenly materializes*
Light: HALT!
Serah: Huh?
Light: Welcome to the world of Pokemon! First, are you a boy or a girl?
Noel: I don't know :(
Light: It's dangerous to go into the tall grass, take this!
*Light throws a Moogle at Serah and dissapears*
Mog: Take me back to FF6, kupo! I don't want to be part of this horrible game, kupo!
Serah: Yay! I love pokemon! This Moogle will help protect us from monsters on the path to the meteor!
Mog: Like hell I will, kupo!
Noel: Aww, it's so cute! All my otaku buddies will be so jealous when they see me post this on my twitter!
Mog: Why can't you ****ing humans understand me, kupo?
*Serah and Noel walk in tall grass until a wild monster appears*
Noel: A wild monster appeared!
Serah: I choose you, Mog!
*Serah throws Mog at the monster and kills it*
Mog: I'm going to ****ing kill you all, kupo!
Noel: Hey look, the moogle is evolving!
Mog: Aw crap, this is always the worst part
*Mog screams in pain as he is transformed into a Bowsword*
Serah: Yeah! I got a Bowsword!
Noel: And it looks like the Bowsword was added to our pokedex!
Pokedex: Bowsword, a freaking awesome weapon that you will never use because Serah is a mage and her Strength sucks ass. Have fun watching Serah spam Ruin for the next sixty hours! Mwahahaha!
Serah: What the...?
Noel: This pokedex must be glitched or something. That doesn't even make sense.
*Noel throws away his pokedex and the duo continue on their journey*
*Suddenly Gogmagog pops out of a portal*
Gogmagog: BLARGH!
Serah: Oh noes, it's a boss!
Noel: How do you know?
Serah: Because my ears are currently bleeding from the horrible metal.
Noel: Makes sense
*The pair spam X for a few turns until Gogmagog dies*
Serah: Hey, I'm starting to get better at spamming X!
Noel: Hey look, we're here! Now all we have to do is jump into this gate!
Serah: And then?
Noel: We disappear into the timeline.
Serah: How do I know you're not a creepy pedophiliac rapist?
Noel: You don't.
*Serah and Noel are just about to jump into the gate when Lebreau comes out of nowhere*
Lebreau: SERAH!
Serah: Is that Snow? That sounds like something Snow would say.
Lebreau: No, it's me.
Serah: Ew.
Noel: *boned*
Lebreau: I polished your knife for you before you go :D
Serah: Okay.
Lebreau: Aren't you going to thank me?
Serah: No.
Lebreau: Don't you want your knife?
Serah: No.
Lebreau: Why not?
Serah: Who was the last FF character to use a knife?
Lebreau: ...Penelo?
Serah: And who likes Penelo?
Lebreau: ...nobody?
Serah: Exactly!
Roxas: I like Penelo!
Serah: And that's why you're a nobody.
Roxas: :(
*Serah and Noel jump into the gate*
Serah: Oh Etro... I'm gonna' puke.
Noel: What's wrong?
Serah: There's... so... much... orange... I hate orange...
*Serah and Noel arrive at Bresha Ruins*
*Serah pukes*
Psicom Dude: Hey! Puking on government property is a violation of the law! You're under arrest!
*Ninja Psicom Dudes pop out of the scenery and arrest Serah and Noel*
Noel: What did I do?
Psicom Dude: Crossdressing on government property! That's twice as bad as puking on government property!
Noel: What? But I'm a guy...
Psicom Dude: Save it, woman! Our nude body search will determine that!
*Noel takes off his pants*
Psicom Dude: 0_o Err, he's not under arrest. The pink-haired chick still is, though!
Serah: Hey!
*The Ninja Psicom Dudes take Serah away to a mysterious evil blonde*
Blonde: Hehehe, you thought you could puke on these beautiful ruins without me knowing? Foolish girl.
Serah: It wasn't me, honest!
Blonde: Then who was it?
Serah: It was, uh, that massive giant robot over there killing innocent people!
Blonde: How dare that massive giant robot killing innocent people puke on my beautiful ruins! My name is Alyssa, let's go stop that massive giant robot killing innocent people!
*Serah and Alyssa whip out their PS3 controllers and mash the X button until Atlus dies*
Serah: Wow, you're pretty good at mashing buttons!
Alyssa: Thanks. I got a lot of practice after playing FF13. You're pretty good yourself.
Serah: I'm a FF12 fan.
Alyssa: That explains it. Thanks for helping me defeat that giant robot killing innocent people. That'll teach it for puking on my ruins!
Serah: See ya'.
*Serah walks off and sees Noel fighting a monster*
Noel: Hey Serah! I just caught a Cait Sith! It can heal us in battle!
Serah: Ew, you mean that ugly horrible robot-cat abomination that has a horrible personality, a stupid design, and a worthless limit break? Kill it, kill it with Fire!
*Serah casts Fire and kills the Cait Sith*
Noel: ...it was just an innocent little cat... it wasn't even related to FF7 at all...
Serah: **** that.
*A Psicom Dude approaches them*
Psicom Dude: Hey, do you know how to use the Time Gates?
Noel: Yeah... why?
Psicom Dude: Great! Alyssa was trying to figure out how to activate one and she thought she saw you two using them.
Serah: All you have to do is hold hands and jump in the air! Then you magically disappear into a portal of friendship and happiness!
Psicom Dude: ...no, seriously.
Noel: The chick is right.
Psicom Dude: ...Alyssa is never gonna' believe me when I tell her that...
Alyssa: I heard someone say my name so I came with a rhyme that was lame, even by the standards of this game, which...
Serah: Stop. Rapping. Now.
Alyssa: :(
Psicom Dude: They're saying that you time travel by holding hands and jumping into a portal of friendship and happiness _
Alyssa: Sounds legit.
Noel: Let's do it.
Psicom Dude: Aw, why did I get myself into this...
*The four hold hands and jump into a Time Gate*
*The four reappear in a dark grassy area*
Serah: Where are we now?
Psicom Dude: Hmm... let's ask that scientist over there.
Alyssa: HEY DUDE OVER HERE MAN C'MON DON'TCHA SEE ME?
Scientist: Oh my gosh, it's Alyssa! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the Paddra Ruins with Hope!
Noel: ...
Alyssa: Who's Hope?
Scientist: He's your new boss, remember?
Alyssa: Huh?
Scientist: Yeah, he's over in that direction, in the ancient city of Paddra. Make sure you don't walk in the darkness, though, or you may be attacked by a monster!
Serah: We're not afraid of monsters! We fight them all the time!
Scientist: Whatever you say, girl.
*The four continue on, ignoring the scientist's advice and walking into the darkness*
Behemoth: ROAR!
*The Behemoth kills everyone*
Psicom Dude: Aw, it's the Game Over screen... I hate seeing this...
Alyssa: Don't worry! SE designed the game so that whenever you die, you can respawn from the exact moment you left off, except the enemy is gone this time!
Serah: Wow! They somehow managed to make it even easier than FF13!
*The party continues on, getting several Game Overs until they finally reach the ancient city of Paddra*
Aloeidai: BLARGH!
Serah: Oh no... it's that horrible metal music again...
*Everyone except Noel spams X. Noel is busy cutting himself*
Psicom Dude: Yay! We did it!
Serah: You know... you haven't taken off your helmet at all since we first met you. Who are you?
Psicom Dude: ...you don't want to know...
Alyssa: C'mon, at least tell us your name.
Psicom Dude: ...Psicom Dude...
Serah: Fine, if you won't tell us...
*Serah rips off Psicom Dude's helmet. Under his helmet... is another helmet*
Alyssa: WTF
Psicom Dude: I told you, my name is Psicom Dude! That's what my parents named me! This is what my face looks like!
Serah: Wow... you must have had a pretty ****y life.
Psicom Dude: Tell me about it _
*Hope and Alyssa appears out of nowhere*
Hope: Hello Serah! 'Sup, Psicom Dude? How are you doing, Alyssa... wait, Alyssa?
Alyssa and Alyssa: WTF? Who are you and why are you impersonating me?
Psicom Dude: This is going to take a long time to explain...
Serah: Final Fantasy XIII-2: The story so far!
*Serah throws up a series of cutscenes*
Hope: That only makes me more confused.
Alyssa: So wait, in the future, I work for the hottest guy on the planet?
Alyssa: Yup, pretty much.
Psicom Dude: You know, that guy over there has just been cutting himself the entire time.
Hope: What guy?
Serah: He's talking about Noel. He's a japanophile.
Hope: Who is Noel? All I see is some chick with two swords sobbing in a corner.
Serah: That's him.
Hope: Why is he crying?
Noel: BECAUSE OF YOU!
*Noel jumps up and punches Hope in the chest*
Noel: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE JAPANESE! I HATED MY LIFE FOR SO LONG! I TRIED TO SOLVE IT BY BUYING EVERY FINAL FANTASY GAME! I EVEN BOUGHT SAMURAI SWORDS AND SAMURAI PANTS TO BE MORE JAPANESE! BUT THEN SQUARE ENIX MADE FINAL FANTASY WESTERN AND CRAPPY! NOW I CAN'T ENJOY IT ANYMORE BECAUSE...
*Alyssa takes out a stun gun and paralyzes Noel*
Alyssa: Thanks, Alyssa, that guy was getting annoying.
Alyssa: You're welcome. He's just another weaboo that goes on gaming forums and bashes WRPGs and stuff.
Alyssa: Man, he looks like he's never been to a gym in his life. Pretty pathetic.
*Alyssa and Alyssa continue talking to eachother while Hope drags Serah away*
Hope: So we found these things called "Oracle Drives".
Serah: Are they like Flash Drives?
Hope: Kind of. Have a look.
*The screen shows Lightning at Etro's rave party*
Serah: It's my sister!
*To be continued*
Hope: Do you realize the significance of this? Thousands of years ago, mankind was taking a bad-quality video of YOUR SISTER DANCING IN A RAVE PARTY!
Serah: That... is extremely creepy. I'm honestly disturbed knowing that some ancient caveman time traveled to the future, took a video of my sister dancing, and then went back in time and buried it.
Hope: Yeah... that makes about as much sense as if some random guy jumped out of your mirror one night and claimed he could make you time travel with crystal meth.
Serah: Don't judge _
Alyssa: So, are we going to time travel again?
Alyssa: Oooh! Bring me this time!
Alyssa: You already did time travel... in the past...
Alyssa: No... I don't remember time travelling... I think I'm the one from the past
Alyssa: No, you're the one from the future, I'm the one from the past!
Alyssa: Stop lying!
*Alyssa and Alyssa have a cat fight*
Hope: (hey Serah, let's quietly sneak into the Time Gate while the Alyssas are fighting!)
Serah: (sure!)
*Serah and Hope hold hands and jump into the Time Gate*
Alyssa: Damn it, they went into the Gate! Now we can't use it!
Alyssa: Why not?
Alyssa: You need an artefact to use the Time Gate, and they took the last one with them!
Alyssa: You mean an artifact?
Alyssa: No, artefact.
Alyssa: It's artifact, silly!
Alyssa: Um, I'm from the future, I think I know more than you do.
Alyssa: Keep telling yourself that, I'm obviously the one from the future!
*Alyssa and Alyssa resume their cat fight*
*Serah and Hope reappear in Oerba*
Serah: WTF happened here?
*Serah and Hope are blocked by a massive black wall. Hope touches the wall to examine its material, and is teleported along with Serah to another dimension*
Serah: What did you do now...
Hope: Oh dear... it's even worse than I feared...
Serah: Huh?
Hope: This is... the evil... HANDS OF TIME PUZZLE!
Serah: What's so evil about some hands of time?
Hope: You have to go through an extremely repetitive puzzle with a time limit over and over and over again, randomizing every time you screw up, and the only way to effectively beat it is to guess correctly. There is no skill, only luck. It is one of the darkest, evillest minigames ever created since Tetra Master in FF9, and it makes even less sense.
Serah: You're the scientist here, you figure this out.
Hope: *sigh*
*Hope spends six hours running around Hands of Time and is still stuck on stage 1*
Serah: Hey, Hope!
Hope: What the **** do you want I'm dying here you dumb *****
Serah: Wow, how rude. You know, I found this super awesome hyper amazing website on my phone that tells you the solution to every Hands of Time puzzle ever, but I don't think you want it anymore...
Hope: No! Please! I'll do anything! Anythiiiing...
Serah: Fine! Give me your boomerang.
Hope: I'll never do tha... wait, what?
Serah: Your boomerang.
Hope: Why would you want my boomerang? It's the crappiest weapon ever created. It's about as powerful as a staff and as practical as a gunblade. I don't even use it in battle. Why would you want it?
Serah: It's smells real nice :3
Hope: Umm, okay 0_o
*Hope gives Serah his crappy boomerang*
*Serah solves the Hands of Time in thirty seconds*
Hope: ...it pisses me off so much knowing that you could have done that six hourse ago.
Serah: I know :D
Caius: BLARGH!
Hope: Hey look, it's Kain!
Serah: Who's Kain?
Hope: He's this guy from Duodecim. I was a tutorial character in that game. I remember Kain being some trash low-tier joke character
Caius: Kain is NOT a low-tier character! He's the best character ever!
Serah: Why is Kain talking in third person?
Caius: I'm not Kain, idiot! Your sister has hurt my delicate feelings... time to do battle