A/N: I must thank Vash's Girl for taking the time to beta this for me.

*There is a NC17 rated version of this chapter. You can find it in on my LJ account. I will provide the link on my profile page.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters of Kingdom Hearts.

Warning: There's some adult content within which may not be suitable for younger viewers; viewer discretion is advised.

Ch. 5

Lost and Found

The wood of the bathroom door felt hard against my back as I slid to the icy tile and teased the sensitive skin between my thighs.

It wasn't right. I'd known Sora as long as I could remember. We were always inseparable, so close he should have been like a brother to me. I had no doubt that was exactly how he saw me.

Without his knowledge or consent, all the purity of our friendship had been gone, tainted for years, replaced by an unrelenting and powerful lust. What was worse, what I should have really hated myself for, was that I didn't wholeheartedly regret my feelings. If given a second chance – a choice – I would have decided to continue my feelings, to silently carry the heavy burden that was between us. If I hadn't fallen, the darkness inside me would have taken over long ago.

During that time, loving him was what had kept me human.

-o-

It was seven years ago. The rain fell heavily, each drop shattering into countless pieces. They disappeared within the void of wet pavement, blackened by a moonless night. The sound of sirens filled my ears, invading my mind and stunning my senses. Their haunting cries failed to wake me from shock, only serving to confuse me further. What had just happened? Weren't my parents… weren't they on this earth a second ago? No, it had to have been longer, otherwise the ambulance couldn't have made it there yet.

Sora and I were playing… Rock-paper-scissors? That's right… we were arguing over which movie to watch. Sora wanted to see some stupid cartoon, one where a dashing prince rescued a beautiful maiden from dire circumstances. In the end, I was sure they lived happily ever after. But I wanted to watch a scary movie, the kind that kept you up all night for fear you would fall victim to something terrifying in your sleep. Sora hated them, however. Every time I conned him into watching one, he'd end up in my bed, clinging on to me for the rest of the night. Even then, he'd wake up crying because of some nightmare –he was only nine, after all. Secretly, I'd be too frightened to sleep and appreciated the security of his company and the warmth of his body as he'd tangle his limbs with mine.

We were about to play our third round when we heard the shrill of brakes and the screams of tires skidding across slick asphalt. The sound of loose gravel between wheels and blacktop scratched along the road, vibrating at the same frequency as sharp nails scraping mercilessly down a chalk board. The cry seemed to go on forever until it was finally met with a loud crash of splintering wood, ending in an eerie silence.

Sora and I glanced at each other excitedly and leapt on top his bed to gaze out the adjacent window. We pushed and shoved the other while cupping our eyes against the cold, foggy glass, protecting our view from the glare of his hanging ceramic lamp. I tried to tune my vision in the direction where the sound encountered its end, catching a glimpse of two hazy halos of red, blurred out by the fog and rain bleeding from the starless sky. It was so distorted, I couldn't make out what it was at first, but the more I focused, the more I realized what I was seeing were headlights in the distance.

For the first time in my ten years of life, a true and immense fear took hold, pulling me from the safe world I knew into a downward spiral of panic. I rushed out of Sora's room, ignoring him as he called out my name, flying downstairs, out the front door and into the street where my fears were confirmed.

That was my parents' car. Their black Lincoln squashed like a fragile piece of crumpled up paper, forming around the base of what used to be a tree. I screamed as I tried to open the passenger door. Mom. It wouldn't budge. No matter how much I tried, the door wouldn't let her loose. Dad.

I hollered in frustration as I slammed my fists on the door, over and over and over again, until someone pulled me away. It was Sora's father. I tried to free myself, pushing, scratching and punching him, but he held onto me with a force I couldn't match, even in my frantic state. He shoved my head into his chest, preventing me from witnessing the world which had collapsed into chaos behind me, and at that moment, I knew what it meant to truly hate someone.

With my mind drawn into a lonely white emptiness, and with my body too exhausted to struggle further, the will to fight left me. Not knowing what else to do, I wept, still clinging onto to Sora's father. I screamed, begging and praying to god, pleading with him to wake me from that horrible dream, to tell me why he could let this happen, but he refused to take pity on that ten-year-old boy. I was about to curse him for being so cruel and unsympathetic, when two small but strong arms wrapped around me.

"Riku…" was all he said, but he didn't need to say much more than that. The heat of his head resting on my shoulder was enough to start my heart, helping me recall that I still had one beating inside my chest. That feeling, it was something to live for… He was someone worth living for.

Without me knowing, Sora's father had left to talk to the emergency response team which had arrived sometime after the accident. I stood there motionlessly as Sora sobbed into my back, allowing his tears to soak through my shirt and free me from the frigid and uncaring rain drops. His simple act of compassion was a blessing. If not for his angelic grace, I would have lost it. Whether my sanity or the will to live, it would have been gone.

I saw him in a new light, my own heaven on earth, and it was the beginning, the seed which rooted me into sin.

A few days later, shielded from the rain by an ebon umbrella, I stared drowsily at my mother's and father's coffin and listened as the preacher gave his sermon. Other than saying a final goodbye, I didn't know why I was there. I no longer believed in God, and even if a small part of me had, the desire to have faith was lost – dead, alongside my parents, who were to lay forever underground.

No one there could have known how much it hurt for my parents to be gone; their condolences meant nothing. And that preacher… he didn't know shit. How dare he stand there and drone on about my parents as if he knew them far better than I? Claiming them happier now that they were at God's side when what parent would be satisfied watching their child grow up in this world alone and unloved? – No. Wait, that wasn't really the case. Sora was there.

With my trust in God forfeit, he was now my rod.

I tilted my umbrella, checking to see if Sora was still at my side. He hadn't left it since that night, which I was very thankful for. I reached over and grabbed his hand out from the safety of his umbrella and into the harsh unforgiving rain. The act broke whatever strength he held onto, causing him to sob with such fierce intensity, onlookers would have thought it was his parents we were burying. I tightened my grip on his hand, silently thanking him for having the courage to cry for the both of us. Sora dropped his umbrella onto the flooded pavement and buried himself into my shoulder, crushing my neck as he continued to weep. With my free hand, I returned the embrace, not caring what others would think of the gesture, and for the first time since that night, permitted myself to cry.

"Riku. We need to talk." That voice, it was familiar. I tilted my umbrella up and saw a pair of aqua eyes, hauntingly similar to mine. Sora was startled from his sobbing and turned to glance at the man who had interrupted our moment.

"Can't it wait?" I asked and tightened my arm around Sora's waist, hoping it would keep him from leaving my side.

"No," he said curtly, and walked to a secluded spot under the shelter of an old oak tree.

"Who's that?" Sora asked as he wiped his nose with the sleeve of his black dress shirt. Even with a face swollen with tears and a body shrouded in the silhouette of somber storm clouds, he was beautiful. Staring deeply into those piercing blues which were tired from weeping, I had forgotten where I was, and for a second time since my parents' death, I could feel my heart beating against my ribs.

"Riku!" the man yelled, causing the hairs on my body to stand on edge.

"Sora, I better go."

Sora grabbed me by the cuff. I could see the fear riddled in his eyes.

"It's fine. He's my uncle."

He shifted his eyes to the ground and dropped his hand from my sleeve. I rubbed his head, handed him my umbrella, and took a few steps toward my uncle. "Stay right here and wait for me, okay?"

The mud gathered on my shoes and the ground sloshed under my feet as I ran across the flooded earth. When I made it to the oak tree, I could clearly see the coils of Spanish moss hanging from its crippled branches. The tree was enormous; it had to have been hundreds of years old. Even the air around it felt ancient.

I took a deep, uncertain breath before clearing my throat, catching my uncle's attention. He turned and fixed his gaze on me. I could see the bags and dark circles under his eyes. As he stepped closer, I noticed how much he resembled my father. From the long, straight silver hair, and the pale, ivory skin, to the fine lines surrounding his mouth, which didn't fit his young age. He was quite stunning to look at, really. Handsome, like my father, but his personality was far different.

He'd been absent for most of my life, though he lived only a few miles away. When on the rare occasion he'd come for a visit, he was always ill mannered and distant, putting my mother on edge. My father would hide a chuckle under his hand, which was an expression had rarely seen, and poke at how easily my uncle buried himself under my mother's skin. I didn't quite understand it, but my father would always ask us to forgive my uncle's behavior. He'd say, 'Ryu was his only brother, and though he had lost his way, he was a good kid.' My mother had a different opinion, which would lead to heated arguments shortly after my uncle left. I could never make out the details when they fought; the insulation between the walls was too thick, causing their words to come through muffled.

This man who I hardly knew, who looked too much like my father, had started to ramble in the middle of a subject I didn't know the beginning to.

"You have to understand. I know I've promised them… but I can't. I just… I can't."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"There's so much going on right now. My life's too crazy, too fucked up. Hell, I'm just a kid myself… how the fuck am I supposed to raise one? Nah-ah." He shook his head forcibly. "No, Riku. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else to look after you."

"What? Is that what this is about?" I can feel my fingers ball into fists. "You don't want to raise me? I never asked you to in the first place," I hissed through clenched teeth, trying to hold in my anger.

"Are you that stupid? Whether you asked me to or not isn't the issue. Look, I'm pretty much the only living relative you have. I'm sure you're a great kid and all, 'cause your parents were so fucking perfect…" I flinched. His words felt bitter. "…but I have no intention on being shackled down by my brother's mistake."

Mistake?

"God, but I'm tight right now, I really need that cash." He paced, tapping an index finger over his chin. "Damn those stipulations, if I send you off to some orphanage, I'll get nothing." He gripped my shoulder, shaking it slightly. "And you don't wanna go to an orphanage, right?"

I stumbled backwards, rubbing my shoulder where his fingers had dug in a little too deep. "There's no orphanage on Destiny Islands. You'd have to ship me off somewhere… am I right?"

My uncle nodded his head in agreement. I shifted my gaze behind me, spotting Sora standing alone, holding on tight to my umbrella. "I want… I want to stay here."

He tore his eyes from mine to see what had caught my attention. "Your friend's that important to you, huh?"

"He's all I have left."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course, he's my best friend."

"That's not what I meant." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Never mind, you're too young to know that kind of love. But back to the pressing matter – it seems our goals are similar, in a sense. I need you in my care, in order for the will to be in effect, and you don't want to be shipped off someplace where your cute little friend can't reach you." He stroked the curve of his chin and hit his palm with his fist. "I've got it! I still need to figure out the details, though. Why don't you come over to my house tomorrow?" He fumbled through his left pocket and took out a wrinkled up piece of paper and a black permanent marker, straightening out the paper before scribbling down his address and phone number.

"Why do you have a Sharpie in your pocket?" I said with one eyebrow raised as he handed me the note.

"They happen to come in handy where I work," he said curtly and shoved the marker back into his pocket.

"And where's that?"

"None of your god damn business. Anyway, come to my house tomorrow. Hopefully by then I'll have a plan figured out. Don't worry, kid." He rubbed my hair, causing static to form, without help from the weather. "You'll be fine, I'll figure this out to where the both of us can benefit." He brushed past my shoulder, out from under the tree and into the rain. When he was gone from sight, I closed my eyes, opening them only to find the grey sky peaking through orange dusted leaves contrasting against the snaking black branches.

I tried to it hold in, to let the water dripping from the leaves slide down my cheeks instead of the tears which wanted to escape. How didn't I hear the pitter patter of footsteps from behind? Perhaps they were hidden behind the wrapping of raindrops and the wind dancing through the leaves. I was taken by surprise as his lithe arms wrapped around my waist, tugging at my black cardigan as he sobbed into my back.

"Why aren't you crying?" It was more of a plea than a question.

"I don't want to."

"You're lying!"

"Tell me, Sora, what good will tears do? Will they stop the rain falling from the sky, will they make sense of all this, will they bring my parent's back?"

"I can see past your mask, Riku. You feel like you're broken, like you're dying, right? You're hurting inside. I can feel it, too, so there's no point in hiding it from me." He turned me around by the arm and grabbed my face between his hands, forcing me to view his vibrant heavenly blues. "It's okay to let your mask down, I won't think any less of you." He pulled me down, trailing his breath to my forehead. I could smell the sweet scent of honey and coconuts on his neck as his lips touched my skin. Under that gentle and innocent kiss, the will to stay strong was broken. I snatched his wrists, holding him in place as my cheeks grew warm and wet, and my voice choked as I sobbed into his collar.

For a third night in a row, I spent it lying awake in Sora's bed, watching the shadows dance in a fluid pattern along the ceiling. I listened to the hum of his snores and felt the vibration of the bed as he tossed in his sleep.

Something inside began to stir, an emotion that was always there, but until now, never had shape. I sat up and rested against the wall, examining Sora's back as it rose and fell with each delicate breath, and stroked the smooth, exposed skin of his arm. My fingertips ached after the contact, and I held them against my heart, which felt tight as it struggled to keep it's quickened pace. The sensation that had taken over my chest traveled on a southward path, down every one of my ribs, toward my abdomen, and further. Naïve to the meaning behind my body's betrayal, I let the sensation go uninhibited.

It was frightening.

I couldn't understand why I felt hot, why my heart was ringing in my ears or why I felt so lightheaded. Wary of disturbing Sora from his sleep, I snuck out of his bed and slowly pushed the door open. I was still somewhat unfamiliar with his house in the dark. Trailing my fingers along the wall, I used them to guide me through the inked hallways, into the nearest bathroom where I succumbed to sin.