AN: The funny thing about this story is that, while Survivor has by no means ever actually been a 'cool' show, when I started writing the story it was at least amusing to some degree, and some people actually watched it. Now it's so lame…(two summers have passed) …that it's not even respectable enough to parody. But parody I will! For that is what I do.
Episode 4 "An Unexpected Surprise" (or some bullshit like that)
A/A: Well, if a two-summer break doesn't make your feel lethargic and unmotivated, then I don't know what does! (there are actually a lot of things she doesn't know) But anyways, since this is a story, and I-Am-The-Author and I-Have-The-Power, let's just say that a few hours passed.
Cliff: (is still deathglaring™ at Kent, Stu and May)
K, S + M: (stare back, then pick up sticks and start poking each other)
Jack: Am I still the star?
A/A: ……Yes, Jack. You're still the star. (he isn't, but she just wants him to shut up)
Jack: Yeah! Yippeeee! (jumps in the air, and censor bars go flying in every direction)
A/A: And I'm glad to see you got your pants back.
Jack: (stops and poses in a way that he thinks is dead sexy, but is really just mind-altering-ly corrupting-ish) Aren't they great?
A/A: We're not going to ask what that bulge is. Let's just assume, for the purposes of the story, that it's a carrot. (0)
Jack: More like an eggplant! (thrusts it out for everyone to see)
Everyone: (makes a o.o face and moves away)
Karen: So, A/A, what are we going to do today?
A/A: (watches Kai and Elli making out nearby) Hmm… (mutters to herself) Must destroy all het… (shouts) Your next challenge is this: Whoever can make them stop what they're doing first, wins! (points at Elli and Kai) And this may seem similar to what we almost or maybe did (I don't remember) to Jack, but you can have more than one Senseless Beating™ in a story…because Senseless Beatings™ just make it more fun. (so saying, hands everyone a boulder and/or a piece of lumber to hit them with) Go ahead.
Everyone: (rushes forward and begins pummeling the two with their various Senseless Beating Devices™)
A/A: (sits on the ground next to "Bessie") Did I forget to mention that they're not actually winning anything, and what they're really doing is just getting me that much closer to my goal of world domination?
"Bessie": (chews on grass and looks nervous)
A/A: (picks up what's left of Cliff's spiky anime hair) Isn't it amazing how he already grew most of it back? Now he just looks like a regular anime character…
"Bessie": (moos softly and nods)
A/A: Hey, Bessie, are you okay?
"Bessie": (moos louder and shakes hisherits head no)
A/A: (shouts) Hey, everyone, stop! There's something wrong with "Bessie"!
Everyone: (immediately stops, with their short attention spans and all, and comes over to where A/A and "Bessie" are)
Elli and Kai: (are..slighty bruised and broken..from their head on [boulder] collision..)(1)(stay where they are, lying on the ground)
A/A: Everyone pay attention to "Bessie"!
"Bessie": (moos and looks sad)
Cliff: (drama voice) Is…is there anything we can do for you? (kneels on one knee in front of "Bessie" and pets himherit gently)
"Bessie": Actually, (moo) I have a sudden craving for… Pickles and Ice Cream! (moooo)
Everyone: (in unison) Pickles and Ice Cream!?
Jack: OMG!! (actually says 'oh-em-gee' because he's stupid and doesn't know what acronyms are) "Bessie" is pregnant! (which we actually already knew, but he was dumb and forgot, and so just figured it out again)
Everyone: (turns and Stupidglares™ (2) at him, then looks back at "Bessie")
"Bessie": I think it will be soon. (lays down in some bushes and goes to sleep)
Karen: So, I wonder who the father is.
Bakery Dude: (pops out of a bush…a different bush…and not what you'd expect) I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME! (disappears)
Cliff: (using his Brain—something Jack should learn to do) Maybe someone used a Miracle Cow Potion on himherit. Can you use it on hermaphrodite cows?
Jack: I used my Blue Feather on Gray once… He just looked at me funny. (3)
Cliff: (looks at Jack oddly)
Jack: (realizes he is being watched; turns to Cliff and makes bug eyes @.@ at him)
Cliff: (looks away and blushes)
A/A: (snickers in her own secretive way, but no one hears this)
Karen: So, who do you think administered the Potion? (looks around and realizes, with Cliff and Jack caught up in their little "thing", A/A lost in her thoughts of "I-rule-the-world-in-my-own-mind"-ness, "Bessie" asleep, and Kai and Elli passed out, that Kent Stu and May are the only slightly intelligent beings nearby to talk to)
May: My mommy was pregnant once. Then she died and had me. Or maybe she had me and then died.
Kent: (points at May) My grandpa said I shouldn't play with you 'cause I might get pregnant.
Stu: But he also said the same thing about the Bakery Dude.
Kent Stu and May: (nod together)
Karen: Riiiight.
And so some more time passed, meaning the rest of the summer that was mentioned above...
A/A: I have no interest in this story at all anymore. But I must finish it...for THAT is what I do. I think.
Cliff: No. You don't. Think, that is.
Jack: (runs around in circles, holding his censor bars like wings and flapping them madly) WoooEEEeYYEYYYyyyoooOOooaooOOOaaaIIiieeee!!!!!!!!
Everyone: (let's just say they all forgot what they were doing, and so congregated in front of A/A because that seemed like an intelligent thing to do) (4) (all make bug eyes at Jack)
A/A: So, what-say we actually do something? I say we ...should... go on a ... nature walk?
(mysterious giggling is heard)
A/A: ALRIGHT! Who gave Popuri control of my cue cards? (steals back her Super Sharpie, and puts it back in !hammerspace! with the Almighty Spork and the Spatula that a very nice reviewer gave her)
Popuri: (keeps on giggling, until the Camera Dude escorts her away via a shovel to the head)
A/A, with her little sadistic torturous mind: A nature walk could be fun, though... if we adapt it slightly to fit this game. (snaps her fingers and suddenly it starts to rain) (snaps her fingers again and she is wearing a poncho...and the rest of the contestants are wearing nothing but censor bars) Now! HIKE, bitches!
The Bitches: (all stand there and stare at A/A)
Elli: We don't know what you want us to do... (shivers and buries her face in Kai's shoulder)
A/A: NO HET!!!!! (causes—omnisciently—lightning to strike Elli) You all have to hike up to the top of the mountain and bring back some sort of proof that you were there. You can form teams or whatever, but keep in mind that you're going to end up hating these people and voting them off later anyway. Because that's just how the game works. The first two people to get back can have their clothes back...if I feel like it.
(And so A/A's bitches all wandered away slowly, shivering and clinging to each other for support. This just caused A/A to fall to the ground laughing. "Bessie" stayed with A/A because hesheit's just cool like that. A bit of time passed, then…)
Somewhere on Moon Mountain...
Jack: You know what?
Karen: What?
Jack: I think we're lost.
Cliff: ...You realize that there's only one path up and down the mountain, and in order to get lost you would have to step out of the game—I mean, the universe?
Kent, Stu, and May: (run around stepping on each other's feet)
Karen: (whispers to Cliff) I wouldn't put it past Jack to get us lost on a one-way path that goes to only one place which is actually nowhere.
Kai and Elli: (look up from their own little private whispering session)
Elli: Wait, what you do mean, get US lost?
Kai: You mean we've been following JACK this whole time?
Karen and Cliff: (look at each other and shrug)
Karen: We were both too lazy to assume leadership positions.
Cliff: And considering that "Bessie" is the smartest one out of all of us, and hesheit didn't even come with, I figured we were pretty much screwed through and through.
(meanwhile, the rain continues to fall harder)
Jack: (spins around in a circle with his arms outstretched, singing) Raindrops keep fallin' on my head! But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning—
Cliff: (grabs one of his hands, holds him still, and punches his eye) Black.
Jack: (blinks a few times, an animé-style confused look on his face) Ow? (suddenly realizes Cliff is still holding his hand)
Cliff: (looks into Jack's eyes, one of which is quickly bruising)
(just so you know, a 'moment' is shared)
Kent and May: (suddenly run out of a bush screaming)
Stu: (runs after them, holding a stick with something on the end) LOOK WHAT I FOUND! (shakes the stick so that the mysterious thing falls onto the ground)
Everyone: (gathers around and looks at it)
Jack: (follows slowly behind Cliff, still looking at him oddly)
Karen: It looks like...
Kai: ...a dead animal...
Elli: EWWWWEY!!!!!! (WANTS to run screaming into Kai's arms, but he's too close to the "thing", so she runs into Kent's arms)
Kent: Wow, you're all naked and crazy, lady. (steps back, allowing Elli to fall into a mud puddle)
May: (whispers in Kent's ear) You have cooties now.
Kent: (pokes May)(whispers back) So do you.
May: (lets out a high-pitched whine, distracting everyone's attention from the small animal carcass) KENT GAVE ME NAKED CRAZY LADY COOTIES!!!! (bursts into tears which can't even be seen for all the rain)
Cliff: (ignoring May) Anyway, I wonder how that got in these woods. (nudges the dead thing with the toe of his boot)
Stu: Ooh, there were a whole bunch of them back in there. (gestures with his stick)
(a moment of something that could almost pass for thinking among the group occurs, but is of course disrupted by—)
Jack: My tummy hurts! I'm hungry! (stares at the thing that used to be a semiedible animal)
Cliff: Oh god, tell me he's not—
Jack: (turns to Stu, salivating and masticating) And you said there were more of these?
Stu: (points back in the trees) Sure. There was a whole stack of them. And little crosses made out of twigs, and burny torchy things. (don't ask how they were burning in the rain...it'll make sense soon)
Jack: (runs off into the bushes making 'glahh' drooly noises)
Karen, Cliff, Kai, Elli (occasionally): (being the ones in the group that actually posses the 'min' bit of intelligence, look at each other and attempt to conjure up something like thinking)
Karen: (playing along) If we put mine and Cliff's brains together, entirely disregard the fact that Kai should not have been a par of the min thinking group, and maybe used the bits of Elli's brain--
A/A: (appears mysteriously) --that aren't consumed with pinty-het-ness-- (disappears again)
Cliff: You mean you honestly don't get it? Obviously we've trespassed on the sacred ground of some sort of island tribe--
Kai: We're on a mountain.
Cliff: Shut up. This is where they do their sacred sacrificing ceremonies (5) and why we probably shouldn't be here.
Elli: (suddenly much more conscious of everyone's nakedness) (moves closer to Cliff) Wow, you're so smart like that... (begins to lean closer to Cliff, putting her hands on his shoulder, and making her not only hetty, but also slutty, and all around something A/A despised)
Cliff: (simply takes a step to the side, not even looking at Elli)
Elli: (not knowing what else to do, goes over and humps a tree)
(suddenly, a loud, random, very girly, very Jack-like scream is heard from the general direction that .. well, Jack wandered off in)
Karen: I wonder who that was.
Cliff: (looks around) Hey, I wonder if Jack's okay...? Wait, why do I care? I don't, right? RIGHT? AAAGH!
A/A: Insert moment of self-denial. (for the rest of the contestants, gestures toward the very obvious opening in the trees)
Everyone except Cliff: (files, plot twistically, into the trees)
Cliff: I seriously don't care about Jack, do I?
A/A: (pats his shoulder) Sure you don't.
Cliff: (huffs and walks off after everyone else)
A/A: (stands outside of the mysterious plot twisting place, and assumes her official Announcer stance) And here, the episode will end, because not only did nothing happen, but, (shrug) eh, whatever.
Footnotes...shah dude...
(0) – Hee hee…a "stamina carrot" …heh heh…
(1) - If you can tell me what song that's sort of from, then you get smacked, 'cause that's just not cool.
(2) – Not that they're glaring stupidly; they're glaring meanly at him for being stupid.
(3) – You can really do that…use your Blue Feather on guys…it's funny…I forgot what Gray actually does, and my TV is broken, so I can't try it. Sorry.
(4) – Remember that intelligence is at a min here.
(5) – Somehow sponsored by the Redundancy Department of Redundancy...just don't ask, 'kay?
A/N to the power of 4.6½: Dunno if I'll continue it. Maybe if anyone actually reads it, which I doubt you will. But if you're reading this right now then chances are you actually did read it (1) and so if you review me nicely -- or meanly, or death-threat-ly -- maybe I'll continue. (2)
...footnotes like whoa.
(1) - There is the off-chance that you are a remarkably odd person who skips the entire story and only reads the Author Notes. If you are that awesome of a person, message me personally at my Redundancy Department of Redundancy-sponsored AIM name, imaginaryxtoast and I will marry you immediately. (3)
(2) – Really, don't count on that.
(3) – You awesome person, you.