Title: May Nineteenth

Pairing: Phil Coulson and Clint Barton

Fandom: Avengers comics/movie

Rating: T

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Two weeks prior to 'that day', every year, Phil could spot the bahvioral shifts in Clint like he could spot a code H9713-YTJ a mile away. Coulson was aware of Clint's story according to his file and of course he knew some small details that Clint trusted with him and only him on nights he was feeling exceptionally vulnerable or lonely, sometimes a combination of both, he was his husband after all. Phil was pretty sure Clint hadn't told anyone else these details of his old life and he was happy that the archer trusted him so much with these things, but he still knew so little about his husband's past and that made May nineteenth so much more dificult than he'd like it to be.

Tony stepped into Phil's office with his arms crossed over his chest. "He's doing that thing again. Why does he keep doing that thing? It's an 'every year thing', so I'm guessing it's related to some sad thing that thinged a long time ago and he keeps thinging over it when the thingy anniversary comes around. I don't like that thing. It's so... Thingy." Coulson gave Stark a sideways glance from his computer monitor and hit 'send' before turning his full attention to the man in his doorway.

"I'm surprised, Stark, you don't normally concern yourself over your friend's problems. Actually, I think I'm more shocked that you ever even noticed." Tony smiled his ever so charming smile and plopped down in the chair in front of Coulson's desk.

"Seriously, though, what's the deal? Did someone die? Where does he keep disapearing to on that day anyway?"

"If he want's you to know, I'm sure he'll tell you." Tony quirked an eyebrow and shifted in his seat.

"You don't know, do you?" Phil inhaled slowly through the nose and leaned back in his chair.

"I know why he does it, I just don't know where he goes. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. It took me years to get him to open up as much as he has with me and I'm not going to shatter his trust because you want in on some drama. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got emails to answer before lunch and an empty stomach who would muchly appreciate you dropping dead." Tony snarled and glanced at his fancy watch before standing and walking out of the office. Phil loved that Tony was slowly learning when to give up and leave him alone, it used to take much more effort but after years of this daily routine, the smart ass was finally coming around.

"The Day" rolled around finally, Clint, once again, missing and completely untraceable. Phil knows, though, he knows Clint is safe and he knows not to worry. He knows to reassure everyone that Clint's fine and that he'll be back at work the next day as if nothing's happened. He knows that around eleven fifty p.m., Clint will stumble into their house a drunken mess, rambling on about missing a bus and brandishing the old faded photo of him and some other man like he wants to do something with it but just can't bring himself to do it. He knows that tonight, he'll be holding his husband tight in his arms as he softly sobs himself to sleep, going on and on about how sorry he is that he couldn't fix it, whatever 'it' was.

The team was tense today. Tony was unbalanced due to his other half missing and it seemed he was unable to produce a single decent joke or taunt without sighing heavily afterwords and pouting like a disapointed child. Peter was unusually quiet, he missed the jibes about him being a nerd or dork from the archer, it gave him a reason to say funny lines he'd been waiting all day to use at the perfect moment. Logan even seemed a little off-set, just kept staring at the beer bottle in his hand and glancing up at Phil across the room who was going over an accident report with Thor. Everything was calm. Too calm. Even for Phil.

And that's when he saw it.

Beast had been watching a movie in the background, a period movie it looked like, when the commercials came on. Flashing colors, elephants, clowns, dagger thrower, tight rope walker, sword swallower, acrobats, tigers, horses, magic tricks... Everyone in the open area had stopped what they were doing to look at Coulson when he had stopped talking mid-sentence to stare at the television.

Phil groaned and raked his fingers through his hair. "You idiot," was muttered under his breath before he shoved the papers into Thor's large hands and jolted to the nearest elevator. Honestly, how could he have been so dumb? How could he have missed this? The Carson Carnival of Traveling Wonders, the circus that Clint and his brother had traveled with so long ago, had been revived and began touring again about nine years ago. Nine years ago, Clint started disapearing on May nineteenth and never disclosed where he went. Nine years today. "Phil, you stupid son of a bitch."

Most circus acts now a days set up in an event center, indoors where it's cooler, especially this time of the year. But Carson's was different, they kept it old-school, massive red and white striped tent, cages on wheels in the back for the animals, several dozen mini tents out front with food to eat and games to play. For a brief moment, Phil wondered what it was like for Clint, traveling in the circus, being introduced as "Hawkeye! The World's Greatest Marksman!" for several years and having thousands of people roar and cheer and chant his name while he steps into the spotlight. He imagined that proud grin, those bright eyes, that up-right elegant posture, that perfect form, that skip in his step, that beautiful, bright laughter of his as he waves to the crowd and takes a bow before leaving. It was just in his head, so of course he was a little biased, but the sight was absolutely beautiful and fit his husband so perfectly. Coulson suddenly felt a dull but intense pain in his chest, regret hitting him hard and high. Clint didn't belong in the military, no matter how much he acts like it, the military will never be his home.

He stepped into the tent and braced himself. His eyes traveled over the crowd of maybe five hundred people, Phil knew it would take a good amount of time, but he was a patient man with a sharp mind, so this did not phase him one bit. About six minutes into crowd scanning mode, he spotted a man with Clint's short sandy-blonde hair and trade mark sunglasses ducking behind the woman seated in front of him. Phil's shoulders slumped and he let out a breath, it was clear Clint wasn't exactly 'trying' to hide from Phil, if he didn't want Phil to find him, he could have snuck out or hidden with little to no effort and he would never have even noticed.

By the time Phil squeezed in next to Clint in the stands, the tiger show had started and the archer had admitted defeat, leaning back on the bench and handing his husband his soda. Phil took it gladly and drank from it, handing it back when he was done. Clint set the drink down by his foot and leaned back with a grin playing at his lips.

"You know, for a senior S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who can pick a man out of a crowd of five hundred plus in under six minutes, you sure took your damn time figuring out where I run off to every year on May nineteenth." Phil smiled and dipped his head.

"The name of the carnival wasn't in your file and you never told me which one you traveled with until four months ago."

"A simple Google search would have given you the answer, Phil. I was the star atraction for several years, incase you missed that too." Clint laughed reassuringly and nudged Phil with his elbow before swinging his arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. Coulson glanced over and noted the picture of Clint and Barney held loosely in his left hand on his thigh.

"You know, if you want to be alone-"

"No, no it's fine. It's been long enough. I think..." Clint looked down at the folded picture in his hand and tucked it away in his jacket's breast pocket. "I think it's time for a change. I've wallowed in self pity for long enough." The archer turned his head and kissed Phil on the temple. "I think it's time to move on. And I'll start by telling you everything... if you're interested."

Phil turned his head to kiss Clint on the lips and leaned into the taller man's shoulder. "You have no idea."