Disclaimer: Fanfiction: For love and (not) profit.

Discover That I had Not Lived

Chapter 1

"You're late" Charlie said without looking up from the menu, mostly pompous sounding dishes and impossible to pronounce wines. This place had been recommended by one of the men on the board of directors at the bank. He probably brought his mistress here when his wife was out of town Charlie thought cynically. All those bastards on the board were liars by trade and corrupt by nature. He should know, he was one of them.

Abandoning all hope for the wine menu he turned his attention to Neil who seemed undisturbed by Charlie's accusation and was handing his coat to the hostess. Then as if actors in a well rehearsed play Charlie stood and they clasped hands before sitting and smoothing out their jackets.

The production then continued on without a hitch throughout the first act of dinner and onto the second act of dessert and coffee. They had covered all the appropriate topics, work, family, and predetermined stories about Welton that had been told and retold so many times they were worn smooth like rocks on a riverbed. No unsightly bumps or jagged edges. And even though Charlie had the urge to stand up and yell at Neil, tell him what he could do with all his stories of teenage idealism, rant and rave about Todd and Keating and everything they never really left behind he simply nodded and did his bit. That's what had gotten him to this point so far in his life and it hadn't turned out so badly, wasn't any reason to switch tactics now.

However during the third act of drinks everything began to fall apart. "I called Todd." Neil said abruptly as Charlie was attempting to take a long sip of his scotch and ended up coughing it through his nose and onto the surface of the bar.

"You what! Why?"

"I just wanted to know..." Neil trailed off.

"And?"

"He's doing really great. Dating some great guy. Second book's going come out next month." Neil paused, "He's really doing it. Carpe Diem and all that. He actually did it. What did I do with my life Charlie? I'm just another dime a dozen pathetic guy in his early thirties who peaked in high school. I'm not even unique in my patheticness." He scoffed and drained his glass.

"I'm sorry Neil." Charlie said, "Really. I am." He patted his shoulder awkwardly, half angry at the turn of events and half glad that Neil broke down before he did. "You're a great doctor Neil. Even if it wasn't your dream. You did a good job." It's hollow consolation but it's all he has to give.

Neil made a long wet inhalation and gave a short self-deprecating laugh, "Thanks. But listen, Todd-he knows where Meeks is."

"Neil." Charlie said, "Don't do this. Please. Don't." He thought about just getting up and leaving the bar but he really couldn't just leave Neil in this state.

"Listen to me. I might have lost everything I could have ever had with Todd. But it might not be too late for you."

"It's already to late. He hates me. You don't understand. You were there, I told him-" Charlie cut off, "I told him I never loved him. That my father's approval meant more to me than anything he could give..." He trailed off before his voice could crack. He rubbed a finger along the darkly tinted glass of the bar. He had always been Meeks to everyone else but he had been Steven to him, the name only a fraction of the small shared thing between them. The thing that had grown as they had gotten older. Steven Meeks had been his first, well, everything.

"Look, I just, I got his number okay." Neil held out a business card, on the front was a number for a dentist which he had crossed out but on the back in his smudgy scrawl he had written; Steven Meeks with his number underneath. "He still lives in Vermont. Todd said he's not seeing anyone. That he's successful, but he's not, he's not happy. Just promise me you'll call him. Just call."

Charlie snorted, "I've never been one to make promises I can't keep." He grabbed his coat, "Look I'm sorry, maybe we're getting to old for this."

"For what Charlie? For what?"

"To pretend like the things we believed in when we were 16 years-old mean a goddamn thing anymore." Neil called after him but he just kept going, out of the restaurant past it's massive towering glass sculptures and out the front door. He hurried past the small crowd of people waiting to get in, a smattering of couples, business meetings, friends and families. Charlie burrowed farther into his coat, a dark grey trench that slapped against his calves.

He tried hard to remember what it was like. Being 16. Feeling like everything was still laid out in from of him, all the things that were on the horizon. It was hard to imagine that it ever felt real. Hindsight was supposed to be 20/20 but Charlie couldn't believe he'd ever felt that way. Like watching a movie a second time all the foreshadowing was obvious and cheap.

It was unseasonably cold for the time of year. The early days of September. Even though Charlie hadn't been in school for years he felt the same sort of excitement and anxiety. Like something new was starting. But really it wasn't anytime special at the bank. Charlie didn't mind his job, sure everyone on the board thought he was a joke but at least he was doing something with his life. Something to keep his mind occupied so he wouldn't dwell on the past so much.

He considered going back to the office, it was only about 9 o'clock, but everyone would have gone home and the teetering pile of work on his desk wasn't much of an incentive. Better to just go home, watch some mindless television and then go to bed. He would have added getting drunk to the equation but since he did have Steven's number that probably was a bad idea.

Logically he should have just thrown it out. Tossed it away and forgotten about it, for the sake of his sanity. But that felt wrong and stupid, like throwing a lifejacket off of a boat.

He followed a group of chattering teenage girls, all dressed up for a night on the town, probably their last before school started, down into the subway. He thought maybe people watching would calm his nerves a bit, let him get outside his own head. He stuck his metropass into the card reader and pushed through the turnstile. A girl followed behind him, so closely that he was sure she was getting through on his charge. He didn't care, but apparently an especially prudent metro officer did.

"Hey!" He cried striding up to them, he gave the girl a once over. She was young, probably only 20 or 21, maybe a college student just trying to save a few bucks, or a teenage runaway. Either way she clearly didn't have a lot of money. "Card." He demanded holding out his hand.

"I must have-" She started but the officer cut her off.

"You know there's a fine for jumping the turnstile, up to $300.00 and that's just for a first offense." She paled but the officer wasn't done, "Bag please."

She hugged her bag to her chest, "Look." Charlie snapped, "Is this really necessary." He reached into his coat. "Here. Here's $50.00. That covers her fare a thousandfold." He shoved the money at him until he accepted it.

"This could be viewed as attempting to bribe an officer." He crossed his arms over his chest. He was definitely one of those people who went into law enforcement because he got off on the power it gave him.

Charlie felt his patience waning. "Christ on a bike, just take the money. Or do you want me to find your superior and file a report on how you are attempting to unlawfully search this woman?" For a brief moment he thought the officer would see through his bullshit and cuff him or something. Only he just took the money, glared at the girl and wandered off to yell at some teenagers who were sticking gum to a support beam.

"Thanks." The girl said, she was wearing layers of lavender eyeshadow which contrasted harshly with her tan skin. She was that sort of creamy brown that lent it self to at least a dozen possible ethnicities. Her hair was in those little cornrow braids with beads at the ends which clicked together whenever she moved her head.

"Yeah, no problem," Charlie said shoving his hands back in his pockets, wishing he was allowed to smoke on the train. If anyone asked he had quit years ago (which he had), but between the stress of work and just plain boredom he had picked up the habit again.

The train rumbled into the station and there were several shouts from the group of girls. Smeared with makeup and wearing ridiculous high heels. 16 year-olds playing at being adults. Charlie sat away from them, but their shouts of laughter still reached him. The girl however, sat right in front of him despite the fact that the train was mostly empty. She was staring at him and it made him uncomfortable, like she was assessing him.

"Can I help you?" he asked, finally snapping under her gaze.

"No," She laughed, beads clicking, "That's my job."

"I'm sorry?"

"Hmm," She studied him carefully, "Definitely one of your darker timelines, though slightly better than when you died in Vietnam. But it's splintered, badly, you've brought others in with you."

Defintely teenage runaway/drug addict. "Okay." He said, genuinely a little bit concerned for his safety.

"Charlie you have to listen to me very carefully-"

"How do you know my name!" His voice rose and the girls looked over at him, silenced for a moment before turning back inwards.

"It doesn't matter. What matters now is that you have a chance. A chance to fix your life." She lowered her voice and looked at him very seriously.

"Look is this some Born-Again Christian thing? Because that's really not my bag." He turned and looked out the window, at the endless black mass rushing by it, punctuated occasionally with the lights of a station.

She sighed, deeply and through her nose, like Charlie was the one being absurd. "Just, whatever happens you need to stay calm. You have to figure out how to fix things."

"Riiiiight, okay sure." He resigned, wishing again that he could have a goddamned smoke. This night was too much, first the dinner, Neil's announcement, the run-in with the law, and then this. Maybe he should have just let her get arrested.

The train slowed and then stopped at a station. The girl stood up, "Well, don't say I didn't warn you." she turned back, "and whatever you do; Stay calm."

Charlie resisted the urge to bang his head against the window. He just wanted to go home and watch some mindless television until he fell asleep. Was that too much to ask for?

Four stops and twenty minutes later he was stumbling into the elevator. It wasn't even that late, but the evening had worn on him. Jeannie from down the hall was in the elevator. "Hi Charlie," She said, flashing him a dazzling smile. Normally he would spend the time to flirt with her, but his heart wasn't in it. Besides he knew he was never going to sleep with Jeannie so what was the point? He didn't sleep with people he knew he would have to see again. It wasn't so much that he was addicted to sex or couldn't commit or any of that crap. It was just that he didn't see the point when he knew it didn't have a chance of being proper love and he wasn't going to waste his time.

Jeannie chattered to him all the way up to the 26th floor and then down the hall with him to his door. Something about her mother...or possibly her brother. He wasn't trying very hard but when she left him at his door she said "Thanks Charlie, you're a really great listener."

"Yeah, anytime." He said by way of farewell. "See you around." He closed his apartment door, threw his coat on the back of a chair and started to debate the merits of just sleeping in his clothes. He decided he would see how many things he could get off before falling asleep.

He undid his watch and shoved a hand in his pocket to extract his wallet. Surprisingly the card with Steven's number had ended up in his back pocket, though he couldn't remember when he would have moved it. He stared at the card, throwing it down on the nightstand the moment he caught himself thinking about calling and hanging up if he answered. Or just calling to listen to his voice mail.

For a very brief period of time in college Steven's voice mail had been something along the lines of; This is Steven Meeks. Leave a message after the beep. If it's urgent try for me at Charlie's. After they had broken up Steven hadn't changed it for almost a month and sometimes when he was just drunk enough he had called just to listen to the recording. After that he switched plans or something, just one of those pre-recorded messages.

Charlie shoved the thoughts to the side of his mind and focused on getting his shoes undone, deciding that he didn't really want whatever was on the streets of New York to get on his sheets. He chucked them away, much harder than was really necessary just because he liked the thumping sound they made. He managed to even get his belt off but ended up just flopping down in his bed, still mostly dressed in a button down shirt and trousers. What the hell. That's what dry cleaning was for anyways.

Right when he was on the verge of sleep though. Right on the edge, where at any moment he could have been pushed into sleep or shoved into waking he could see the girl's face. The look in her eyes, pleading and honest as she had said; "and whatever you do; Stay calm."

And then it was gone.

A.N. Bear with me as these first few chapters will be primarily set-up, however I will try and make them the best set-up I can.

-C