So this is my first fan fic and I was surprised by how much fun it was to write...

It's set in the summer after Season 4 - with the difference that Vanessa never found or published 'Inside' so it's still Dan's secret. For now.

Hope you enjoy.

Inside Out - Chapter One

It's that time of the night when he wonders why he does this to himself. Past 4 a.m. and his eyes are sore and his mouth is dry and he needs to sleep.

He knows this.

He also knows that the next day he'll be able to see everything clearly. He'll cringe at his dumb, servile last-night-self, the self that doesn't even remember to drink or to breathe properly, sitting transfixed by the screen. He'll promise himself, solemnly swear, not to do it again. That's Good-Cop-Dan. Soon after that, Bad-Cop-Dan will be along to remind him he's a joke and a disappointment and a failure.

He knows this.

But right now, he can't stop. Right now, he needs to answer Blair.

Her last message sits taunting him:

Humphrey, what should she do?

He stares at the characters. They're just Helvetica. They're just 12pt. They're just black. So why can he see light swimming through them? Why does it look like they're smiling at him? Because he's exhausted. (That's the lie.) Because she wrote them. (That's the truth.)

Humphrey, it's rude to ignore a princess.

He doesn't hesitate.

You're not a princess yet.

Oops. Should have hesitated. He's sure she'll spot the extra venom in that little shot of Times New Roman. (It's his typeface of choice. Not the coolest but it's a classic, and he somehow finds it comforting.)

A-ha! He deigns to speak.

Apologies, your highness-to-be. I was actually concentrating on the movie.

As if.

Well I'm glad to hear it. So then... what should she do?

This is the excruciating routine. Every evening, Blair is busy with Monaco receptions and recitals and balls. And so he is free from her all day. But when night bleeds in on New York, she is waking up and she is bored and she is alone and she wants to watch films with him.

Finally his eyes actually turn to the film. It's the scene where Rochester is begging Jane not to leave him. He has seen this film before, and remembers thinking that of course Jane had to go, that she had been lied to and betrayed, that it was all quite straightforward. This time, even though he hasn't been concentrating on the story, he gets it. People love each other. People fuck up. Straightforward it is not.

He considers typing that thought out for Blair. No. Too self-indulgent. Instead:

She needs to be by herself.

Just like she always has been? Do you actually have feelings, Humphrey?

He smiles at the accusation. Does he have feelings? That would be a yes.

But it's not like it always has been. It's different now because... if you'll excuse the cheese... she's known love.

Then how can you expect her to give that up? She could just kick that bitch out of the attic.

She needs to be alone to see who she is, what she believes in.

Who is she?

He'd swear those three words are smaller and thinner and sadder than the rest of the conversation has been.

She has to figure that out. That's kinda the whole plot.

I guess so.

It's not so awful. She'll get her happy ending, when the time's right.

As he types this, Jane is trudging across the moors, finally collapsing under the storm smashing around her. She's desperate. And scared. And lonely. Yep, he's definitely getting it this time.

Neither of them writes another word till the film is over.

Watching the scenes where Jane is living with St. John Rivers and his sisters, Dan is reminded of rehearsing that play together, back in high school. It was all repressed desires; stifled dreams; doing what one thinks one is meant to. He remembers a particular rehearsal, one where the director was discussing secrets and lies and how they weigh upon us. He asked them: what's the most important thing in a relationship? With no hesitation, Dan had declared: "Honesty". Blair, in an unheard-of show of agreement, nodded her head. Maybe they were only teenagers but they knew about these essential truths, these maxims to live and love by. Or so he had thought. Until the director had looked at them with pity, shaking his head. "The most important thing in a relationship", he had said, "is to be kind to each other."

That simple idea had consumed Dan for the rest of the rehearsal. And he remembers suspecting it had the same effect on Blair, because she was different for the remainder of the evening, not rolling her eyes at him even once.

He wills himself into the present because finally she's back:

So there's her happy ending.

I hope so. And you? Are you satisfied?

An eternity. And then:

I have to go. They're bringing my lunch.

OK. When will

She answers before he can finish:

See you Humphrey.

She has logged off. Leaving only those three words. Words it would be impossible to see as anything other than functional. But he's good at impossible. So he sees light swimming through them.

Very gently, fearing the pain in his joints if he stands too suddenly, Dan rolls his chair back and stretches his arms high above him, yawning like an animal. He would never have yawned like that if she was still online, because somehow she would just know, wouldn't she? He smiles a little at the thought and at his own silliness.

Just as he is about to shut the laptop and finally go to bed, he remembers that he hasn't e-mailed her. She has invented strict rules that once they've watched a film, he must send her his score plus a three-word summary. She's compiling them into some kind of database - he doesn't really get it but it's her system and it's weird and it's cute.

Today's the first day of July so he starts a new document. And he types:

Film: Jane Eyre - Score: B+ - Summary: Equality fixes everything

He saves the new document and drags it into an email, giving it the subject line "Here's to the next month." He's seriously tired now. So he raises his aching body before he can do a spell-check. Clicks on 'send' before even glancing at the message again. And shuffles to his bedroom before he can spot that he has in fact attached two documents, and that the second is called "INSIDE - Fifth Draft."

TBC

(I think the next chapter will be Blair's POV.)