Chapter Forty: Going Back to Move Forward

Doing the taxes was a boring, but necessary part of playing the role of a human. Luckily I didn't need a calculator, and knew all the loopholes, deductions, and exemptions that would give my family the best deal. Doing the taxes did have a bit of a calming effect on me though, and I was glad that I reserved the right instead of letting Alice do them. I am the head of the household after all. No matter how old they get, they'd still be my kids.

A knock on my office door brought me out of my musings and mental math. Bella walked in a moment later, a spectacular surprise. She glanced around my office, eyes lingering on one of my forged degrees. I had all the knowledge required for the degree, if not more, I just did not have the credits.

"It's wonderful to see you." I was unsure whether I should give her some sort of physical welcoming, a hug or a kiss. Our relationship… I just didn't know exactly where we stand with each other.

"It's wonderful to see you too, Carlisle." I'm sure I was grinning like a madman. Her very presence made me happy, and her kind words made my heart soar.

Bella sat across from me, my desk and laptop in between us.

"What brings you to my office- not that you have to have a reason. I'm more than happy for you to just be around." I tripped over my words and felt awkward, yet happy- like a teenager boy waiting for his prom date to walk down the stairs.

"I was in my room, thinking and I realized… I know very little about you beyond all those things you told me about while I was still human. I want to know about your life before you met me." As Bella spoke she became more animated. I could tell that she felt guilty for not having asked sooner.

"It's a very long story, that may not be exactly what you're expecting or hoping to hear." My thoughts lingered on the darker moments in my immortal existence… all my suicide attempts, seeing the Volturi slaughter a group of humans, finding Rosalie. "My life has been very long." My eyes settled on my desk, trying to rid my mind of the many images.

"Carlisle," She paused and I glanced up at her, "I love you. I want to know everything about you, the good and the bad."

"You're spectacular, you know that?" I asked her. There's no way the Volturi could ever doubt our bond- this love was just too strong for them to try and pull us apart.

"You're too nice to me." Bella said while turning away slightly and grinning. I could almost picture the blush that would be covering her face if she was still human. "Just tell me everything, from your first memory till we met."

"That was all so long ago… I was born in the 1640s to a pastor and a seamstress. She died while in childbirth with me so only my father raised me." I could tell Bella was about to say sorry, sorry for something happened long before she was alive. I motioned for her to let it go. She nodded and I continued on. "He wanted me to be just like him, so I dressed like him, spoke like him, read the same bible passages as him- I idolized him. I was unsurprisingly a tattletale, telling my father whenever one of the other kids or even adults did something sinful, but as I grew older I started having my own interests, which he didn't appreciate." I chuckled to myself. "Believe it or not, I wanted to be a playwright."

"Really?"

"Yes, I've actually published a few plays anonymously in my second life."

"I'll have to read them sometime."

"I'd like that." Even if they weren't the greatest plays, I still wanted to share them with Bella, my mate. "When I wasn't writing I was helping my father with the church and keeping our parishioners on the righteous path. I didn't have many friends because of that. I was almost a mirror image of him at that point, when I was eighteen, but then an idea swept over England." I took in a calming breath, hating talking about this part of my life. "I may have never killed a human in my second life, but I did in my first." I could tell my admission startled Bella. "Everyone was so convinced that there were witches, werewolves, demons, and vampires among us… For a time even I was swept up in the mayhem of the idea. My father, some of the parishioners, and I tried to get rid of those evils. We investigated, followed rumors, and relied on signs to find these 'evils'. This sometimes led to us hanging a 'witch' or stoning a 'demon'. Near the start I could get away with not partaking in 'saving their immortal souls', but as my father grew older I had to take his place as the leader of the church and hunts. I slowed down our search, but I still killed people- innocent people who didn't deserve to be pulled from their houses and thrown doubt upon. I'm ashamed of my human life. I was ignorant and let my father pressure me into sinning. On my last day as a human I led a group of parishioners into the sewer systems of London to hunt for a coven of vampires. I led them all to their death- and I was the only survivor." How could I have been so blind?

"Times were different, people were more apt to believe the word of their neighbor over logic. They let fear dictate their actions." Bella tried to comfort me. "You've done so many good things with your second life, Carlisle, so many good things."

"I know… I have to keep trying though, to make up for everything I've done." Bella stood up, walked around my desk, and sat on my lap. She gave me a hug. I held onto her tightly and I breathed in her scent. "What was I saying again…" I was slightly dazed by her presence. "A vampire bit me. I pulled myself into a potato cellar and burned. A few days later I was this." I gestured to myself.

"You turned out very nicely." Bella whispered into my ear, making me smile even though I was dreading telling her the next part.

"Thank you. You turned out better than nicely." I gave her a kiss, enjoying having her on my lap. "I don't think you're going to like the next part of my story thoguh."

"I want to know everything about you, Carlisle, the good and the bad remember?"

"Of course, it's just that when I realized I was the thing that I had been hunting for five years… I thought I was evil, a spawn of the devil… an abomination to God." I took in a deep breath, steadying myself while looking away from her. "I tried to kill myself." Bella gasped and I didn't want to look into her eyes. I didn't want to see her disappointment. I waited for her to say something, but then the minutes passed. I felt a slight quiver and I looked at her. Her face was heartbreaking. She was covering her mouth with her hand which was trembling. "Shh, Bella, I'm right here. It was a mistake and I'm fine now." The hand over her mouth balled into a fist.

"Why? Just why?" I could barely hear her words. I pulled her closer to me. "You, Tommy, and Daniel… why do all the men I love try to kill themselves?" Bella hid her face against my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back, not knowing what else to do.

"I wanted to kill a certain part of me, not me." Bella shook her head. "It was a mistake. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I know now that I was wrong."

"I- I just don't understand…"

"There's nothing to understand. It's just another part of my past." I focused on the color of her hair, trying not to let her pain affect me. I didn't want her to know how hard those times were for me, how sad they still made me even today. I wanted her to think I was strong, even though I was so weak back then. Bella let out a stuttered breath. "I'm sorry, it was a long time ago." Please don't cry. "I'll never do it again, Bella. I love my life. I love you."

"Do you promise, do you swear you'll never try to hurt yourself again or try to kill yourself?" Bella looked at me with her wide red eyes, begging me.

"It's no excuse, but I was confused and misinformed back then. I promise and swear that I'll never hurt myself or try to kill myself again." I didn't have the heart to tell her that my life depended on hers. Bella took in a few deep breaths and I could feel her relax in my arms.

"What happened after… that?"

"Once I knew I didn't have to kill humans to survive I started working on my education and control. England was too small for me, and I soon found that I needed to travel if I wanted to really learn." I paused, remembering the exact moment it occurred- just as I stared at the dim sky after a hunt. "I swam the English Channel over to France. Just seeing all the lost items under the water, seeing fish that I never knew existed. Their scales, they looked so interesting… the colors just played off each other in magnificent ways. I stayed under the water for two days, just watching them… The way everything changed as the sun rose and set. It was all so mindboggling."

"That sounds beautiful."

"It was. I'll have to take you there sometime, and to the reefs off Australia. You'll never believe the colors some fish have striped across them there." Maybe we could go there for our honeymoon- but I'm getting ahead of myself. "I traveled all around for a few years before I ended up in Italy. That's where I met the Volturi." How to break the news to her? "The Volturi… the lawmakers of our society as you know... They were the first somewhat civilized vampires I had found in my second life. There was a mutual interest. I wanted to learn as much as possible and they thought I was an anomaly."

"Marcus mentioned that you spent a long time there." Bella whispered. I had almost forgotten that she went to their gaming website often. I had been so stupid to give her that website. It had felt like a good idea at the item, something to challenge her and keep her from a downward spiral, but I should have known involving them would bring no good.

"Do you and Marcus talk often?"It was stupid, but I was jealous- and I'm sure that my jealousy was exasperated by how stressed I had been since Aro's phone call. I love her so much, yet it feels like we hardly ever talk.

"He… reminds me of Daniel before we became friends. I just hate seeing others hurt, and he clearly is in need of help." Bella laced her fingers through mine, holding my hand. This woman… she's such an angel.

"Marcus lost his soulmate, long ago." I had only started to understand the depth of his agony and prayed to God that I'd never know the full extent.

"I know, how can he stand it, after losing her?"

"I asked Aro the same thing after we became friends." Or at least I thought we were friends. "Aro said that Marcus has a sense of duty that is unparalleled to anyone else he knows." I thought about my old, morose friend. He was the kindest of the three. Surely he wouldn't allow Aro to take my mate.

"A sense of duty? Poor Marcus, to only have that to hold onto… To lose what we have, it must have been devastating for him." Bella's voice was becoming weak and I could see the sadness in her eyes. "Carlisle, I don't want to lose you."

"I'm right here. I'll never leave you and you'll never lose me." We are too perfect for each other. No one, not Esme, Ryan, Bella's memories of Daniel, or the Volturi can come between us.

"I'm sorry I've been so mean to you, Carlisle. I love you more than anyone or anything else." Bella's voice broke and my heart soared and fell simultaneously. It always felt good to hear her say she loved me, but I hated seeing her in pain.

"I love you too. You were never mean, just hurt."

"I was so mean to you, to all of you even though you were just trying to save my life."

"Shh, Bella. That's the past. You don't need to worry about that anymore. We're together now."

"I know, but I still feel guilty."

"I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want you to be happy." She just felt so perfect in my arms.

"Thank you, for everything you've done for me." Bella said before suddenly going ridged.

"What's is it?" Had I said or done something wrong? Bella reached for my laptop, tilting the screen slightly and blocking my view. I knew It was open to one of the many newspapers websites I subscribed to, but I don't know why that would catch her attention. Her fingers grazed over the screen.

"Oh, God- Daniel…"

What do you think of Carlisle's past of killing humans? Of the last line?