Dear diary/ journal (or whatever!)

I was never much of a brooding blond, before… more like an energizer bunny, minus the horrible shade of pink and the drum. But if one ended up having eternity, why not ponder every once in a while? OMG! I can't believe I just wrote that!

Truthfully I'm trying this because Stefan says it helps him deal and Elena does it too! Even Bonnie has her chronicles of witchy so why should I be the only one…and there I go rambling again. Sigh!

So here it goes, my feelings or whatever written in ink… well less traditional ink and more like computer typed. What? I'm tech savvy and I'm already eating freaking bunnies; I have to kill trees too? Not likely. Anyway I'm hoping that maybe this journaling thing will be therapeutic, maybe it will even help me deal.

The funny thing about life is that it is uber unpredictable. I mean come on, if somebody had told my ten year old self that instead of becoming the Disney princess I constantly watched, I would in fact embody Bram Stoker's greatest hit, I would probably have screamed blue murder. But I mean that was before… That is how I view my life now uneasy as it is. A series of before and after.

You know, before I was a teenager and thought Elena got the patent on beauty, before I met Damon and became a mindless- blood bank, before I fell in love with Matt not realizing he never quite fell in love with me. And the all-important life-changing before…like before I was vampire(that still sounds like a bad joke!) and before I helped Tyler Lockwood on the worst night of his life. I mean, freaking Tyler Lockwood! Who would've thought that our paths would've intertwined so thoroughly?

I totally get why vampires are called cursed, the living dead feeding off another person's life force. I mean we don't even get a pulse! That I get, but the werewolf curse, I had to see that one first hand. I'm not sure who has it worse. Vampires have to live with what they are everyday so we adapt. But werewolves, they have this one night of pure torture. This one night where hell looks like a viable option and then back to normal (except for the dick tendencies! Which Lockwood used to have in droves.) I mean how sick is that. I think that would be the worse, almost but never quite having normal.

And Tyler is like totally alone. I mean at least I had Stefan to lean on! I think that was why I did it. Stayed with him I man. No one deserves to go it alone. I couldn't be that cold-hearted.

So what if he used to be the resident jerk, my track record wasn't exactly spotless. Jealous, petty, insecure. At least Tyler's behavior was tied into this curse, what the hell was my excuse for being a sucky human being? I had none! But Stefan still made it business to be my friend, to take care of me, to teach me. And I wanted to do that for Tyler.

I'll never forget the look in his eyes, terror, confusion and most of all that loneliness. He carried it with him like a shroud. But somehow he doesn't look that way anymore and a small part of me likes to take credit for that.

I don't think I'll ever forget Tyler's first transformation whether I live for one lifetime or twenty. He wasn't the only that changed that though his was far more visible. I think I saw all at once the person/vampire I wanted to be. Even Tyler looks at me differently, like he's now getting to know me. And maybe sometimes in his eyes I swear I see… I don't know. Not that I'm thinking about anything like that with him; because Damon would kill us both in a very literal sense.

Well, there we go! Thinking about Damon always puts a damper on my mood. Anyway, as cool as this has been diary, not sure this is really my thing. Think I might leave this writing thing to the broody types and continue doing Caroline. Bubbly, chirpy, energizer bunny. I sooooooo have to tell Stefan about this!

Bye.