I think about life

And oh how it changes so fast

And oh how it's so hard to last here

Waiting for something to give…

Nightwing was silent, hoping he was somehow going prematurely hard of hearing as he tried to process this. He stared, unblinkingly, at the one person he'd never expected to say the words he dreaded a teammate would say.

"What?" He asked, his tone one of shock.

"You heard me." Superboy replied, his arms determinedly crossed over his chest. The red S-shield was barely visible through his taught muscles, almost as if he were trying to hide it from view.

"I heard you – I just don't believe you." Nightwing said, crossing his arms to mimic his long-time friend. He better have a good explanation for this…

"I don't care if you believe me or not," Superboy answered. "I came here to tell you because I figured I owe you that much, after everything we've been through."

Nightwing shook his head, still uncomprehending. "But why?"

Superboy looked away with discomfort. He seemed to be searching for the right words – something Nightwing knew was not his strong suit. After five years, he thought he knew exactly how his friend operated. He'd always had the gift of being able to read people, even the most distant, like an open book. But now he was troubled with the realization that he had never seen this coming, and that maybe Nightwing didn't know him as well as he thought.

"There are some things I need to take care of – things I need to find out about myself. I can't do that unless I leave." Superboy said.

"I need you here with the rest of the team." Nightwing said firmly. "You're a squad leader. If you leave, it's just me and M'gann." Nightwing did not miss the flicker of pain in Superboy's eyes at the mention of their fellow teammate and Superboy's former girlfriend. But his expression became neutral almost immediately and the pain was apparently pushed aside.

"Tim is a leader."

"I know, but he's still learning what that means. He's still green." Nightwing argued.

"He can handle it." Superboy insisted. "So can Batgirl. She's smart, and resourceful. Either of them can lead a squad while I'm gone." His face suddenly twisted in a combination of annoyance and disgust. "But whatever you do, don't put La'gaan in charge. He'll get you all killed before you get ten miles from the mountain, especially if that ego inflates along with the rest of him."

A thought suddenly occurred to Nightwing, and he wondered why he didn't think of it the moment Superboy told him what he was about to do. "Conner… is this about M'gann?" He asked gently. Nightwing knew how hard the breakup had been on him, no matter how little Conner let it show.

Conner looked uneasy and his gaze shifted to the floor. His silence was enough to confirm Nightwing's suspicions. Nightwing saw how tormented he was and couldn't help but feel sympathy for his friend. No one on the team really knew him the way M'gann did. Conner had been different ever since the breakup. Nightwing couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but something had changed in him.

Conner's voice was quiet. "That's not the only reason, but it is one of them. I've been thinking a lot about who I am – what I'm made of. If I even have a soul… why I'll never be able to…"

"To what?" Nightwing probed.

Conner shook his head, seeming to remember himself. "I just have to go."

"Please, just think about this for a minute. This is the only home you've ever known. Where will you go?"

"I'll be ok. I know what I'm doing."

"I don't think you do." Nightwing protested. "We are in the middle of an invasion. Half of the Justice League are wanted criminals and we need everyone who's available on deck. I can't afford to lose you unless you clue me in on why exactly you need to leave right when we need you most." He paused. "Years ago, we agreed that secrets among teammates only brought trouble. You know that first-hand."

"This is different." Superboy said. "I'm not keeping anything from you or the team, not like last time. This is personal, and I need you to trust me."

Nightwing hesitated. He'd never seen Superboy like this before… he didn't know what else to do. "You know I trust you, Conner. I know I won't be able to stop you. I get it. But I need something."

Superboy didn't say anything. Nightwing sighed and ran his fingers through his thick hair in frustration. He'd never known anyone more stubborn in his life… except for Batman, of course.

"Fine." He muttered. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know." Superboy said.

Nightwing tried to be patient, but was finding it increasingly difficult. "I guess you're not gonna give me any clues as to where you're going?" He asked. When he didn't reply, Nightwing sighed again. "Right…"

"Why does this bother you so much?" Conner asked. "You have more than enough muscle to fill my place."

Nightwing smiled somewhat ruefully. "You still don't get it, after all this time?" He placed a hand on Conner's shoulder. "We're family. All of us. We may not get along all the time, but you and Wally are the closest things to brothers I've ever had. Roy too, even though he's gone a little… off the grid." He lifted his hand and rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, I've been feeling kinda nostalgic lately. With Wally and Artemis taking time off, Rocket and Zee joining the League," His face became downcast. "And Kaldur…" He left his sentence unfinished. He didn't need to.

"You, me, and M'gann are the only ones left who were there from the beginning." He chuckled softly. "Batman is always telling me not to let my emotions rule me – to not make attachments. But the truth is… I really miss the old days sometimes."

Conner smiled slightly, but the confession just made it that much harder for him to do what he needed to do. As he looked at his friend, he saw not the man who had traded a cape for coal-black armor, but the thirteen year old Robin who had helped break him out of Cadmus Labs five years ago. He saw the kid who had always tried to grow up too quickly, and once he had, wished he could be young again.

Conner's thoughts drifted to M'gann and the smile slid from his face. "I miss the old days too."

There was a pause. "When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow." Conner replied. "Early. I don't want anyone around when I go."

"What should I tell everyone?"

"The truth. I'm taking a leave of absence."

Nightwing nodded, then cautiously added, "And M'gann?"

Conner didn't answer. His eyes said more than words ever could.

"Conner, you are going to come back, right?"

Conner wanted to tell him the truth – that he wasn't sure if he even wanted to come back if all went as planned. Nightwing was right – this place was the only home he'd ever known, and the team his only semblance of a family. But this was something he knew he had to do. It was the only way he could continue to live and call it a life. Maybe if it worked… he would come back. Everything would be different, but maybe by then he could learn to accept the things that had come to pass. Only time and a miracle would tell.

"I'll come back when I'm ready." Conner said. He stepped towards Nightwing and held out his hand. Nightwing took it and they shook.

"Goodbye, Dick."

Nightwing shook his head, trying to cover up his worry with a grin. "I'll see you later, Conner."

I think about you

And all of the times that we've shared

And oh what a beautiful pair we… made it so far…

1 year ago

M'gann sat between his legs as she lazily drew patterns on his palm. The sun was rising over the harbor and the sky was blazing with pink and orange streaks. They were sitting on top of the bioship as it hovered in the still air above the mountain. Conner's cheek rested on top of M'gann's head as he listened to the birds beginning to sing their morning songs. She hummed a soft tune to herself as she explored the lines in his hand, her gentle fingers intimate on his skin. He pulled her closer, sighing contentedly.

"I love you, Conner…" She said softly.

Conner placed a kiss on the top of her head and closed his hand around hers. "Love you, too." He smiled into her hair and closed his eyes as he felt her shift positions so that she could wrap one arm around his waist, the side of her head turning into his chest.

He'd never thought he could be so happy.

Conner took one last look at his room, wondering how long it would be before someone else inhabited it. How long would it be before they had all forgotten he'd lived here? In his hand, he held two envelopes. The first was addressed to Beast Boy, asking him to take care of Wolf and not to worry about him. Beast Boy was the only new member of the team he'd formed a real friendship with, even though he was young and totally opposite to Conner in personality. But despite his boundless energy that would sometimes get on the others' nerves, Conner found him to be good company when he was feeling lonely, and he would miss him.

The second envelope was to M'gann. He'd spent all night trying to write everything he felt when he thought of her, of all the feelings he still had for her, but nothing he wanted to say could be written on paper. In the end, he had written one short sentence, "Don't forget about me." He placed both letters on top of his pillow and turned to leave. His heart skipped a beat and he nearly jumped out of his skin.

M'gann was standing behind him, her arms crossed and her expression disapproving. She'd recently become very good at phasing through objects just as her uncle, the Martian Manhunter, was able to. This unfortunately included walls. Conner felt his stomach churn with unease.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I was just about to ask you that question." She replied. She stood so much more confidently than she had when he'd first met her. Back then she'd been naïve, overenthusiastic, and impulsive. She'd changed so much in five years – more so than she even realized.

Conner didn't know what to say. He'd never had trouble talking to her in the past, but now it was like they were almost strangers. He hated it.

M'gann took a step towards him, and Conner forced himself not to reach for her. It was hard enough on missions when he had to be near her all the time – but this was the first time they'd really been alone since they'd broken up. It made it all that much harder.

"Nightwing told me you're leaving." She said. Conner gritted his teeth in anger, gripping his hands into fists. She continued. "But he didn't tell me why." She took another step forward and Conner backed up until his legs hit the edge of his mattress. He refused to look at her, still seething at his friend for not waiting until he was gone to break the news to the team.

"Conner, say something."

Conner felt a lump rise in his throat at his name on her lips. She had been the one to give him his name, and hearing her speak it somehow made it hurt inside. He wished he'd decided to leave earlier, wished he could've avoided this torture somehow. He'd been afraid of this and had tried to prepare for what he would say, but he'd never gotten farther than this moment.

"I can't." He said softly.

She paused, a flicker of pain in her eyes, although Conner did not see it. "We need you."

"No, you don't." He said. "You have more than enough –"

"Conner, you can't abandon us like this!" She interrupted. "Don't you see that that's what you're doing?"

Conner tried to keep his voice level. "I'm not abandoning anyone, and don't try to make me feel guilty about this. You have no idea what's going on here."

M'gann stepped forward. 'Then tell me. Tell me why you need to leave now, now of all times? Tell me what you're running away from."

"I'm not. Running. Away." He said shortly.

"That's exactly what you're doing."

He turned his head sharply, looking her in the eye for the first time. He saw anger and pain and hurt in her eyes. They were both silent for a minute, staring the other down. He was fighting to keep calm, fighting to control his emotions, fighting not to reach forward those last few inches and feel her in his arms again. It was killing him to be this close and still so far.

"Why do you care?" He asked. His voice let out more emotion than he'd intended, and he saw her face soften and her eyes gleam with unshed tears.

"You know I care about you. I've always cared about you…" Her voice was wavering.

Conner's insides turned to ice. "Not enough…" He said lowly.

She looked up at him, her eyes full, and Conner felt an overwhelming sense of grief. How could he make her understand? How could he tell her the real reasons behind everything he'd done, how every moment without her was a moment he wished he could erase from his memory because it hurt so damn much? How could he admit that he wasn't sure who he was anymore, and that for months now, he wasn't altogether sure who she was either? How he didn't recognize her sometimes when she became more violent and ruthless than he knew her to be? How could he tell her these things and still do what he knew he had to do?

"Conner…" Her voice was a raspy whisper, and the first tear made a trail down her cheek. Instinct made him gently wipe it away with his thumb, her warm skin as familiar as he remembered it. He felt the spark reignite tenfold, and he knew she felt it too from the look in her eyes. She hadn't looked at him like that in what felt like years – making it even harder for him to get his next sentence out.

"You're different now. We're different now. We both need to figure things out about ourselves, and I can't do that here. You can. You have the team. You have La'gaan…"

M'gann paused before replying quietly. "He's not you." She said with a touch of guilt in her voice. Conner did not allow himself to fill his head with hopeful possibilities behind these words and pushed them out before they had a chance to sink in. "I'm just… I'm terrified that once you walk out that door, you're never coming back."

Conner hesitated. He didn't know what to say. He'd never lied to her before – and he didn't want to start now. But he couldn't tell her the truth either.

"Maybe it would be better that way."

He sidestepped around her and made for the door. He heard a soft sob escape from her lips and he clenched his eyes shut, feeling physical pain from just that one simple sound. He'd always hated to see her cry.

The feel of her fingers closing around his wrist stopped him dead. He turned his head to look at her, feeling warmer than he had in months.

M'gann's face was calm, but her eyes betrayed her emotions. She gave his wrist a gentle squeeze, with an affection that was so familiar to him. "I'm not going to stop you, and I won't try to make you change your mind. I already did that once, and I ended up losing you." Her voice was tinged with regret. "If I'm going to lose you again, it's not going to be by my hand. So just… be careful, Conner." She opened her mouth to say something else, but she closed it immediately – almost as if the words had to be sealed tightly within rather than released into the open. Conner needed it to be that way. Everything she said and did would only make things more difficult than they already were.

Conner nodded stiffly. He couldn't help but see the M'gann he'd met five years ago, morphing into a black tshirt to match his, a shy smile on her face. He remembered how happy she'd been and how her smile had been infectious. Time had changed them all – some more than others.

After another moment of last looks and the weight of the world settling on his shoulders, he turned away and left his room for the last time.

Outside, the cycle was waiting for him, Wolf in the passenger seat. The sky was still pitch-black, but Conner needed to leave early if he was to get to his destination in time. The cycle revved to life as Conner got in, and it made a sound that could only be described as a metal-y purr.

The cycle rose into the air and began to climb upwards into the sky, and Conner turned around to look at the mountain with a lump in his throat. He remembered seeing it for the first time and how he'd wondered if he would ever really feel like he belonged anywhere. He thought of Wally and Artemis, living the good life away from all this pain that came with being a hero. He thought of Kaldur, no longer an ally and of Nightwing, who was probably somewhere in the shadows at this very moment. He thought of Tim and Garfield and Jaime, and everyone else on the team he'd spent the last five years of his life with. And he thought of M'gann and her parting words, wishing he could've held her one last time.

"Go." He ordered the cycle. With a start, it flew forward at its top speed and jetted into the night sky. Conner gripped the handlebars tightly, the lump in his throat forming into a ball that he refused to release. He did not look back.

To anyone else, it was just an old phone booth in the slums of Metropolis. To Conner, it was much more. He jumped lightly out of the cycle, the soft thump of his feet on the broken pavement the only sound on the block. He turned to the cycle with sadness in his eyes.

"Go home now." He ordered. The cycle seemed to hesitate. Conner put a hand on the cool metal of its hood, feeling it hum in response.

"They're going to need you more than I will." Conner said. He turned to Wolf, who was whining softly with his head low. Conner scratched him behind his ears and tried to smile, but the muscles in his face weren't working right. He growled to himself angrily, hating how hard all of these goodbye's were. He pulled Wolf close and hugged him, gripping his pure white fur with his fingers.

"Keep them all safe for me, ok, boy?" He said. "Gar is going to take care of you for a while, but I'll come back for you, ok?"

Wolf laid his heavy head on Conner's shoulder and wagged his tail feebly. Conner pulled away and wiped the moisture from his eyes with the back of his arm.

"Go home."

After a moment, the cycle lifted off the ground and slowly rose into the air. When it had disappeared in the direction of everyone he'd ever known and cared about, Conner turned back to the phonebooth. He did a quick scan of the area, making sure no one was watching, and then shut the glass door behind him. He lifted the phone from its cradle and punched in the code he'd been given months ago. He held the phone to his ear.

"Kandor." He said clearly.

Recognized: Superboy, B04

The teleportation unit activated and an instant later, Conner disappeared. Moments later, he found himself in a short tunnel similar to the one back at the mountain, and he slowly walked forward into the main room. He was immediately greeted by a gray-haired man in a lab coat.

"Welcome, Superboy." The man stated with a cordial but somewhat nervous smile.

"Dr. Hamilton." Superboy replied with a nod.

"We can begin as soon as you're ready." Dr. Hamilton said. He led Conner down a long narrow corridor and into a large room filled with all sorts of machines and computers and other objects Conner knew he'd never be able to identify. However, in the middle of the room connected to several large machines and one extremely complex-looking computer screen was something Conner was very familiar with – a pod.

Dr. Hamilton began to speak. "I have to admit, when you first came to me with your… predicament… I was afraid I'd never be able to give you the answers you wanted to hear. But I'm never one to back away from a challenge, and well… this one is probably one of the most complicated and intricate of challenges attempted by any scientist in my field."

"But you figured it out." Conner said matter-of-factly. "That's why I'm here, right?"

Dr. Hamilton hesitated and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Well… son, there's no way for me to be one hundred percent certain – that's just a risk you have to take when conducting a… procedure such as this." Superboy opened his mouth to reply, but Dr. Hamilton held up his hand to stop him.

"But, I have gone over the calculations dozens of times. I've tested several subjects and all of them had the desired effects with little to no harm as a result. You are a very unique subject – very different from a lab rat. But if my theory is correct, and I believe it is… I think there is a very good chance of success."

Conner walked up to the large cylindrical pod, putting his hand on the cool glass. The containment unit was large, almost twice as big as the one he'd been housed in at Cadmus. The inside was filled with a sickly-green liquid that he couldn't identify, nor did he want to. "So, this… container…"

"Is where we will perform the procedure." Dr. Hamilton replied.

Superboy's next question was spoken quietly. "How long will I need to be in here?"

Dr. Hamilton shuffled his feet nervously and his eyes darted back and forth from the floor to Conner's turned back. "Well, that's the bad news, I'm afraid. When I did my tests on the animal subjects, it took roughly three weeks for them to mature from infancy to full-adulthood. But I've done the calculations and… for a young man like yourself, especially with your unique DNA… it will likely take the better part of a full year."

He could feel Emil's tension even without looking at him. He'd obviously been expecting a blowout from the infamously moody boy of steel, but Conner was calm. He had expected something like this.

Emil came behind him and gently put his hand on Conner's shoulder. "Superboy… I know this can't be easy for you. It's a lot to ask. If you're not one hundred percent certain that you want to go through with this, you don't have to. I can do more research, call in some colleagues, anything to find a more suitable option."

"No." Conner replied. "I won't wait for a chance that we might find a different option – not when there's already one right here, right in front of me." His eyes were like steel – resolute and unyielding. "Every year that passes is just one more year of me watching everyone around me get older while I stay exactly the same." His voice dropped an octave. "I don't want to be just… a boy… forever."

Emil looked at him sadly, and nodded his head.

"I understand. If you'll come with me, we can begin immediately."

Conner felt incredibly uncomfortable as he stood in nothing but a pair of loose black shorts, Dr. Hamilton typing away on the holographic computer screen in front of them. Conner watched as dozens of files depicting every aspect of his body were brought up. On his days off, Conner had spent much of his time coming to the lab to let Emil perform endurance tests, intelligence tests, the extent of his physical capabilities, and tests to determine the strength of any abilities he had inherited from Superman. These weren't even including the countless files describing the internal tests Emil had conducted, from blood type to bone structure and testing his invulnerability. Conner had been wary of revealing so much information about himself to a scientist, due to all he had experienced under Cadmus Labs. But Superman had been the one to introduce them and if he trusted Emil, Conner knew he could too.

Conner noticed Emil had begun to prepare several IV's connected to long, waterproof cords. He eyed them with trepidation. "Dr. Hamilton?"

Emil looked up. "The serum I've developed comes in two different forms. The pod over there," He gestured with a gloved hand, "Is what you would basically call the "watered down" solution, designed to be absorbed from the outside of your skin and deep into your muscles and ligaments." He then pointed to a tall container about a quarter of the length of the pod that was attached near its base. The container was solid metal, its contents hidden. "The serum in there will need to be administered directly into your body intermittently throughout the course of the year. Its purpose will be the exact opposite of the former – it will redesign your internal body; your blood, your bones, your entire inner structure."

"But how…"

Emil paused. "I take it you've noticed that the liquid in the pod is green?"

Conner felt his throat go dry. "Kryptonite."

Emil nodded. "A very, very small amount. Smaller than a milligram and synthesized to be as harmless as possible while still enabling me to penetrate your skin. Because you are not one hundred percent Kryptonian, kryptonite does not affect you as drastically as Superman."

"Yeah, but it still hurts." Conner retorted.

Emil looked apologetic. "It's the only way. You'll barely feel it, and once you are asleep, you won't even be aware. I assure you, the pain is quite miniscule."

Conner was quiet as he nodded his head in understanding, but it didn't stop the nerves in his stomach from intensifying.

Another ten minutes went by as Emil double-checked everything and made last-minute adjustments. When he was satisfied that everything was running perfectly, he turned to Superboy.

"It's time."

The liquid was surprisingly warm as Conner took his first step into the pod. He held tightly to the rim as he slowly slid his body inside, his muscles twitching slightly in response to the kryptonite. He wasn't in pain, but he felt a decrease in his strength that made his muscles slightly sore as he held himself above the surface with his fingertips. With a start, he realized that this must be what it felt like to be completely human. He tried not to look at the needles embedded into his arms, the long IV cords floating in front of him. So far, the prick of the needle had been the worst part of the process, and he concluded that his hatred for monkeys may have finally been moved to second place.

As Conner looked around the dimly-lit underground laboratory, he was hit with a sudden onset of doubt. Was he doing the right thing? Would this all be worth it? He was voluntarily giving up a year of his life for this chance – one that might not even be successful in the end. He began to think of everything he was going to miss - and then forced himself not to. He knew if he dwelled on it too long, he might end up calling this whole thing off before it even started - and he would never forgive himself if he did.

Dr. Hamilton began to strap a breathing device around the back of Conner's scalp to cover his nose and mouth, making sure it was secure. A very small tube was connected to the base, which Conner knew would supply him with oxygen as he slept.

This is really it… He thought to himself.

Emil finished adjusting the breathing apparatus and looked directly at Conner. "That's everything. In a few minutes, you'll feel the effects of the gas. Don't fight it – it'll only make it harder for your body to accept that it's going into hibernation mode, which could cause problems. I suggest counting backwards from ten and breathing deeply." He paused before adding. "If there are any complications that prove to be life-threatening in any way… I need your consent that I am allowed to wake you, no matter how far along the process has been completed."

"But… if the process stops too soon… it won't have any effect, right?" Conner asked slowly.

Emil nodded. "Yes, but your life is more important, don't you agree?"

Conner was silent, mulling over his choices. A full minute passed before he raised his head with eyes full of certainty. "No. You do everything you can to make sure this gets done. The way I am right now… it isn't really living. I don't want to be stuck in this body unless you've done everything in your power to make me age, and if I die, then I die. Do you understand?"

Emil looked pale. "But… Superman –"

"Superman knows this is what I want. He didn't agree with me, but he respects me enough to let me make my own choices." He lowered his voice. "This is my choice."

A moment of silence passed before Emil nodded. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small remote. Pressing a button, a large claw-like machine directly overhead began to slowly lower the pod's lid. Conner looked up and felt his stomach flip as he realized this was the moment. He could not turn back. He wished now more than ever that Superman was not off-world right now, and that he was here with him instead. He wondered when he would see him again, if he ever did at all.

Dr. Hamilton briefly touched Conner's shoulder. "Good luck, Superboy. I promise – you are in good hands."

Conner nodded his head in acknowledgement and slowly submerged his vision blurry through the ripples of the water. The lid made a metal-y thud as it was placed over his head and he heard the clicks of the locks snapping shut. He took a deep breath and became very aware of the sound of his heartbeat pounding against his chest. He briefly wondered if Aquaman experienced this all the time, or if he was so used to it that it didn't register anymore.

Conner could see the form of Dr. Hamilton through the thick glass, typing commands into his computer. It would only be another minute or so…

Like a wave – uncontrollable and without cease, thoughts and memories flooded Conner's mind, along with images of people he wouldn't get to see for another year. Kal-El, he wished he could've spoken to him one more time before going through with this. His team, the one place he'd felt like he truly belonged. His best friends, Dick, Wally, Artemis, the ones who had been there since the beginning. M'gann… he loved her so much, despite everything she'd done. A year without seeing her face was one of his biggest reasons not to go through with this – but in the end, he'd decided that maybe it was just what he needed. His only worry was about how much more she would change while he was gone.

Conner began to feel sleepy, his muscles starting to go limp. His body began to react, going into its enhanced fight or flight mode. Conner forced his limbs to stay still, and he recalled the method Dr. Hamilton had suggested.

10…

I am the Superboy. A genomorph. A clone made from the DNA of the Superman. Created to replace him should he perish - to destroy him should he turn from the light.

9…

I've always liked the name 'Conner…'

8…

You and I are more alike than you think.

7…

I'm… half-human?

6…

Be careful, Conner… I love you.

His eyes were beginning to flutter shut.

5…

SB, you're flying!

4…

Conner Kent… it sounds right.

3…

So, how long were you two together?

All my life…

2…

Conner, you are coming back, right?

Everything was growing dark and fuzzy, his mind caught in an endless loop of memories. He was filled with the strange sensation that he was floating, and a small, delusional smile formed on his lips. He wished Superman could see him now, flying. He was flying high over the skies of Metropolis, helping him clear the streets of crime and saving the day. He would be so proud of him. He wished M'gann could see it too. They could finally fly together now. He'd always wanted to.

Her smile was the last thing he saw before drifting into unconsciousness.

1…

But I'll be fine

Oh don't you worry

Cause I'll be fine

See I'm in a hurry

To be gone away awhile

Tell me all the things that I

I'll be missing here in this old life

Man, cause I just don't know…

-SafetySuit "Gone Away"