It's been months since I've seen her. I don't know how many. I've lost count. The days in the Crypt blur together, punctuated by the escape. The days in the Wilds blur together, too. Each sunrise meant another day without Lena. Without the girl I had risked everything for. I've been searching, watching for her, for anything that might lead me to her. She could be anywhere, though.

I told her to run. I had hoped, in that desperate moment, that she never stopped running. That she ran until she couldn't run anymore, then she crawled. I wanted her to put miles and miles between us – between me and Portland and the regulators and the guns that wanted her dead.

I know I was right to hope that. That's what I want for her: a safe life where she can love who she wants and be who she is. But I want to be with her. I want her here with me. I don't want to have to search for her, when she could be anywhere in the country.

I told her to run.

I want to run, now, as I sit in this empty shell of a refuge. I don't want to stay at the warehouse, where I can't do anything useful. Tack and Raven have agreed to let me come with them to Connecticut, where I might be closer to Lena. Or I might be getting farther away from her. I have no way of knowing, but I have to believe in something.

My head whips up as I hear someone walk in. I crouch, not moving, until Raven comes into view. I stand, she sees me. We walk toward each other, meeting in empty space. I raise my eyebrows, a silent question.

She tells me about a girl that's outside, about what she's been through, how she was rescued today. She wants to know about her mother. I shake my head, but Raven doesn't notice. I won't be any help. I haven't been help to anyone since I watched Lena jump to the ground on the other side of the fence as bullets pierced my body and I slowly bled to death.

But Raven insists on taking me outside. I keep silent as we cross through the warehouse to the doors. Raven keeps talking. I'm distantly aware of what she's saying – the girl's shaken up, but okay. I shake my head again as we walk out into the wavering sunlight.

"Don't believe her," I tell her. Nobody would be okay after doing what Raven said the girl did. I turn away from her, not saying anything else.

That's when I see her.

At first, I think my eyes are playing tricks on my, that I'm hallucinating. After so many days of wishing Lena was in my arms, I now imagine her in another man's arms. But I know her hair. And I know her body and the way it moves. I've felt her arms around my waist, just as they're around his.

My knees go weak and reach out to Raven for support. I don't like showing weakness, but there's no way to stop it. My breath catches and I double over, trying to fill my lungs with air that won't save me. I can't take my eyes off the beautiful, broken woman just steps ahead of me. She's looking right back at me, her eyes wide and frightened as if I caught her in a forbidden embrace. Because I did. Her arms around a man that's not me. Her swollen lips – the evidence of forbidden kisses. Her arms still around the man as if she's been paralyzed.

Delirium. They say that you have to take care of your heart, because it's fragile.

Pandemonium. Every beat of my heart is chaos. Ripping, pulling at my blood.

Hysteria. The only emotion I feel as my life is torn apart.

Lena reached out toward me, finally, and drops her arms away from the man. She takes a step toward me, her eyes still wide and fearful.

When we escaped, I told her to run.

Now, I make myself run.